Big is Beautiful (20 page)

Maybe…

Possibly…

I… didn't know.

"I didn't know Kendra had set anything up," he said.

I let him know I didn't believe him yet by shaking his hands free from my chubby jaws, but he grabbed them again, tilting my face up so I would have to look at him. "I didn't know Kendra had set anything up," he said more slowly, enunciating every syllable. "If I had known, I never would have asked you here tonight. What did she do to you? All I know is you were crowned and then ran when my name was announced."

"Because you were looking at me like I'd disappointed you somehow."

"Oh, baby…" He pulled me to him, my head rested on his chest right below his chin. "You haven't disappointed me. I'm worried about you. Kendra told me you weren't eating."

I shut my eyes and more tears ran down my cheeks. Afraid I'd ruin his perfectly good white shirt, I moved my head away, but couldn't look at him. "Last night, Kendra found out about it." I didn't want to get into any gory details in case she really hadn't told him like she said she did. "She told me if I won Red Queen she'd tell you and you'd never speak to me again."

"Which is why you tried to get away before the coronation?"

I nodded. "You have to be present to win, ya know? I was going to get you to take me home before, but I lost track of time. Anyway, I saw Kendra going to talk to you, and I knew it was over. She told me in the bathroom it was part of the plan, and you were playing a part, but I guess you weren't."

"I wasn't. I had no idea. What Kendra told me was frankly shocking to hear."

I hated that. "Then you looked at me like… that… and I had to get away."

He pushed a fallen piece of hair behind my ear. "I'm sorry for upsetting you. I was worried. You have to eat."

"I'm tired of it." It came out barely a whisper. "I'm tired of people making fun of me and teasing me. I'm tired of hating myself."

"Why do you?"

"Look at me." I wiped the tears away, determined to not let them fall again. I might not like myself, but I had to save some kind of face. When the tears were gone, I ran my hand up and down my body to show him. Why wouldn't anyone make fun of the big girl?

Matt took a deep breath and his eyes became more compassionate than I'd ever seen them. "I see you." His voice cracked. "I've seen you every day since you were a freshman."

No way.
"You did? I didn't see you. I mean… I did, but I didn't see you paying attention to me."

"Because I didn't want you to. You'd come into a room, and I'd pretend to be talking with my buddies or doing work, or anything really, but I saw you then, Brittany."

"You told Ms. Bennett you didn't know me."

"I said I didn't know your name, and I didn't exactly."

What did it matter? "Who cares if you've seen me every day for two years? You didn't talk to me… didn't acknowledge I was around. And do you know why? Because I'm embarrassing. You knew if someone thought you were taking Big you'd be made fun of."

Matt bit his lip. "At first, yeah. I admit it. I was scared of what others thought."

Hearing him actually say it hurt. I shook my head and started walking to the double doors that led outside. I couldn't take much more of this.
Thanks for the great night, God,
I fumed in my mind.

"You need to hear this, Brittany!" he yelled at me, and I stopped in a huff. I didn't know why I stopped, but I did. My rebellious feet wouldn't move anymore, and I was forced to hear him out. "Yeah, at first I was worried what others would think, and I'm embarrassed about that. According to popular opinion, you aren't supposed to be my type."

He wasn't wrong. In society, handsome jock Matt was supposed to date cheer goddess Kendra. And I might end up with someone in the last years of college, maybe. Unless this was a book or a fairytale in which maybe people like me and Matt would end up together in the end… but this was my life, my
real
life. It wasn't a book and it sure wasn't a fairytale. Everything had turned out the way it was supposed to.

"No, I'm not your type." I smiled sadly. "So you swear you had nothing to do with the ticket thing?" I had to know for one hundred percent certain. The nagging feeling needed to be squashed for good.

"I promise. I would never intentionally hurt you."

I nodded, grateful Kendra had been a total liar. "Thank you." I nodded and started walking back to the doors.

"Wait! Where are you going?"

"Home."

"I'll go and get your stuff. Wait for me."

"No." I stopped and tried to my best to keep my head held high. "You were right to be ashamed of me then just like now. My initials suit me. A big girl no one will ever want to date." I kept walking to the door, wanting to get home so badly I could taste it. Maybe someone outside would have a cell phone I could use to call my mom to come get me. Nothing else could embarrass me.

When I had my hand on the cold, metal door handle, Matt spoke up behind me. He hadn't moved. "No one will ever be able to love you until you can love yourself."

I hesitated. Man, it hurt when someone else said it.

"All I ever hear from you is putdowns about yourself. If I had someone saying all the things you say to yourself all the time in my ear, I'd hate myself too."

"If I don't say those things, people will beat me to the punch. They're all thinking it. Might as well say it."

I heard his footsteps hitting the concrete floor toward me, and I had to make a choice. Stay and listen or run like a scared little chicken.

He made the choice for me by putting his hand on the door handle so I couldn't open it if I tried. "The other day when you nearly passed out at school, why hadn't you eaten?"

"I wasn't hungry."

"That's a lie. You hadn't eaten because you wanted to lose weight fast, right?"

I had nothing to say to that. Kendra had already told him everything. Why did he have to hear it from me?

"You don't think I or anyone could like you at this weight, do you? I've got news for you. I do. I'd rather have you three hundred pounds than not eating."

I scoffed and sputtered a miserable laugh. "Yeah. I'm sure."

"I'm being serious."

What seventeen-year-old guy would think that? Didn't he have standards? "It's kinda hard to comprehend when you had Kendra Moses before me. She's… like… perfect."

"Except her personality and the fact she's a total and complete liar."

"Well, there's that."

He suddenly got very serious. "Brittany, I can't stand how you talk about yourself. It's not healthy, and it's not right. Then Kendra told me about the not eating and throwing up. Is that one of her lies too?"

I wanted to tell him it was. Lie about a lie, but I couldn't. It wouldn't be right. I shook my head and his shoulders slumped. "I was hoping… Look, I've been down this road before and it's not a pleasant one."

"With your sister."

"How did you know about her?"

"Kendra," I admitted and he rolled his eyes.

"I don't know what she told you, but I figure you deserve the truth. My older sister, Lori, do you remember her?"

"Yeah, from school last year. And she picked you up the other day."

He nodded and suddenly something on the floor seemed very interesting. "When Lori was a junior, she started standing and looking in the mirror a lot. It drove me crazy because I thought how could someone look at themselves that long? But she was looking at the imperfections."

I couldn't imagine Lori Taylor having any imperfections.

"The new cheerleading outfits didn't fit her the way she liked, and she wanted to lose a few pounds quick. Those few pounds turned into nearly thirty in a short amount of time."

This wasn't going in a direction I wanted to go in.

"The bad part was I caught her throwing up after Thanksgiving dinner. She said she was sick, and I believed her. Then I caught her a few weeks later, and a few days after that. Other times, she didn't eat or made up excuses not to. Our parents didn't pay much attention to it. Busy with their own lives, I guess. Anyway, I got concerned about it and confronted her. She swore me to secrecy, which I reluctantly agreed to."

Could I swear him to secrecy?

"The worst part was the girls who looked up to Lori and wanted to be her. She was literally killing herself, and they wanted to be her."

I had been one of those girls.

"Last summer before she went to college, it got bad. She got down to under one hundred pounds and was afraid to eat anything for fear of gaining any bit of weight. She passed out on me when we went to the movies one night. Scared the daylights out of me, and I made her tell our parents or I would."

"How did they take it?"

"They were worried about her, scared she'd hurt herself permanently. They called and got her help and she missed the first semester of school to go to counseling and get herself better."

"Is she… better?"

"Mostly. She still has some issues, but she's gained some weight and is eating healthier."

I put my hand on his and rubbed my thumb over his knuckles. "That's not going to happen to me. I'm not going to get down as little as her."

"Not yet. But if you keep going this way, you will. You think my sister woke up one day and thought, 'Hey, I think I'll starve myself to death'?"

He had a point. "Guess not."

"No. She didn't. It happened gradually, and it happened horribly. Killing yourself to be thin. How sad is that?"

I didn't know. I could understand her thinking, and that scared me a little. If I could understand a girl who nearly starved herself to death, what did that say about me? It said a lot, a lot of stuff I didn't want to hear.

Matt shifted his hand so mine was inside his. "I don't want that to happen to someone else I care about."

"I'm not her."

"She wasn't her either when she started. Not to sound all after school special, but how can you expect someone to love you if you can't love yourself."

Now, he was right on two counts: he did sound like an after school special and probably no one would love me if I couldn't love myself.

"I don't know what to think," I said, and I wasn't lying. I had no idea what to think or what to do. "I just want to go home."

"Can I drive you?"

"I guess. It's not like I have any other way home."

"With a recommendation like that…" He laughed quietly and brought my hand to his lips. "I like you, Brittany Isabelle Gregory. I like you for you… no matter what size you are or think you are. I. Like. You."

I felt myself swoon. Yeah, I could still swoon. There was hope for me yet. "I like you too."

"Shew. Good. You were worrying me. You know… with the yelling."

Cringing, I wished we could take back the last few minutes. "Sorry about everything I accused you of. Kendra just—"

"Kendra just does a lot of things which is why I dumped her. I refuse to be part of her drama. Come on." He put his arm around my shoulders. "Let's get your stuff and go out to eat."

Whoa.

I hesitated, making him stop. "What's wrong?"

"Not me. You. How can you be this nice?"

He shook his head and his dimple showed up on his cheek. "I believe in what the Bible says. God looks at the heart. I want to be like that. Beauty fades. I mean, have you seen some of those so called 'beautiful' actresses when they get older? But a good heart lasts forever."

We'd talked about similar topics at my church, but I hadn't taken it to heart like Matt had. "That's nice."

"God's a nice feller." He took my hand in his and led me down the hallway to get my clutch and coat.

Jillian appeared from around the corner and grabbed her heart like she feared a heart attack. "Brittany! I've been looking everywhere for you." She hugged me tightly and surveyed the damage. "Your makeup's running."

"I noticed," I said playfully.

"Come on in, everyone's waiting for your speech, Matt." Jillian gestured us in.

"Still?"

"Yeah, well. It's not been boring. Mr. Thompson threw Rodney out for being drunk as a skunk, and Kendra left in a huff."

"No way! Why?" There could be so many reasons.

Jillian's eyes lit up. "Because when she told Mr. Thompson and Ms. Bennett about your counterfeit ticket, I grabbed yours out of your purse to prove to them it was a false charge. Turns out, Kendra gave you the wrong ticket."

"No way!" I squealed.

"Yup. Somehow she gave you the real ticket, and she had the counterfeit one in her purse!" Jillian sounded positively ecstatic.

I felt the same way. Turning to Matt, I raised my brow. "Did you know anything about this?"

He shrugged and his nose flared just a touch. "I might have been tipped off after you ran off the stage by one of Kendra's drones about what Kendra had done to the tickets. And I might have possibly been handed Kendra's ticket by the same snitch and switched them. I told Rodney Kendra had dropped her ticket, and I guess he gave it back to her."

I'd never been more impressed in my life. "You sneaky man."

"Gotta do what I gotta do. Come on. Your subjects await."

"
Our
subjects," I corrected the Red King.

We walked into the dance room and all eyes fell on us. Some were smiling. Some weren't. Ms. Bennett came over and hugged my neck. "Glad to see you."

"You too."

I felt the effects of the lack of food big time and wanted to hurry up and take Matt up on his offer to feed me.

"A speech?" Mr. Thompson asked.

Matt shook his head. "I think Brittany has more to say."

I really didn't.

Mr. Thompson tapped on the microphone to get everyone's attention. "May I have your attention, please? Our Red Queen has returned and wants to say a few more words."

Slowly, I walked to the podium and look out into the crowd. Everyone had different qualities. Some had crooked noses. Some had large ears. Some were underweight. Some were overweight. The point was, we were all different and we needed to accept it. "Sorry for running out on you before. Everything was just so overwhelming. I want to thank you again for this, though, Mr. Thompson, Kendra admitted to rigging it for me to win."