Beyond Complicated (9 page)

"You know that is a seriously bitchin' car." He came over and leaned inside. "I never knew you liked old cars."

"I got this when I was sixteen. I had it when we lived down near the school."

"Seriously? I remember a piece of junk with primer and a dent in the trunk. I wondered why you drove that thing when you were making—oh, the kid, yeah, another thing I wanted to talk about."

"Same kid you've been sleeping with. So I wouldn't cal him a kid." I did not want to talk about Kel. I sure as fuck didn't want to think about his relationship with Seth and what this talk might lead to for them.

We were upstairs and I had the door open and let him enter as the topic came up. I didn't expect the subject of our conversation to be standing in my living room with a laundry basket ful of clothes in his arms.

And I sure as hel didn't expect the look on Kel's face when Seth walked in. Or that he would walk his lovesick puppy ass over and start playing tonsil hockey with my goddamned—

I growled and walked past them into the halway and to my room with that image emblazoned in my head. Kel pressed tight against Seth, his arms around his neck. Seth's hands in Kel's hair, his tongue… Jesus Christ. Cannot do this. Cannot do this
. Cannot fucking
do this.
I changed clothes, throwing the hated suit onto the Queen Anne style chair at my little desk and puled on my best fuck-me jeans and a loose T-shirt. I only wanted to be slightly vindictive. Because neither one of them had an ass like mine. I was proud of my ass. I worked damned hard for my ass. And I didn't know what hurt worse. Seth kissing Kel after he'd just kissed me. Or Kel kissing Seth just because he was Kel.

"Liam?" Kel spoke first when I returned to the room. I noticed Seth was on the far side of the living room looking through my video colection. "I'm sorry

—"

"I didn't expect you until tonight." I cut off his apology with a slash of my hand. I cannot fucking do this. Not now. Not ever. I can't open my heart up again and watch the only man I ever loved with my kid. I can't talk about what he wanted to talk about with Kel anywhere near me.

"Wel, I wasn't expecting you to drop in for a little lunchtime nookie when I—"

"Kely." It was Seth who cut him off this time not me. "It's not like that. Okay, it's… I need to have, that is to say, shit. What was between us, Liam and me, needs to be put right if either one of us is going to be able to move on."

"I have moved on," I stated, meaning it.

"Moved on and forgotten. You're the one looking for closure."

"Fuck you very much," Seth growled at me, his usualy calm face a red mask of rage. "If you've moved on then why are you being an ass about Kely and—"

"Because he's my son. And you're my ex-asshole. He might be the next person you betray. Why in the hel would I want you anywhere near him?"

"Because you are so fucking jealous… of him, or is it me?"

"Yeah, that's what I thought. Just get out, Seth.

I don't have anything to say to you. And you, don't be here when I get back," I said turning to Kel as I rushed back to my room and shoved my feet into shoes. I picked up my keys from the bed where I'd tossed them and was mostly out the door when Kel threw himself in front of me. "Move, Kel. Don't make me move you."

"Listen, Liam, just listen. This is the hurt talking.

Just talk to him. I'm not going to be with him. I swear.

Just end this now so we can al get around to moving on."

"You're in love with him, baby, and I—"

I was going to say I wouldn't stand in his way when he cut me off. "So are you. In love with him, I mean. But I don't have a history with him. I'l get over it.

You haven't in four years. And you haven't moved on.

Just talk to him. Talk to him… Liam."

"No." I swiped my hands across my face. "I have nothing to say."

"Liam?" Seth sat on the sofa we'd fucked on as if nothing happened that night. Maybe he didn't remember. Hel. Just seeing him there reminded me of him lying spread over it, my cum leaking from his ass.

"You should probably get tested before you do anything else." I didn't want to listen. I just wanted to hurt. It was Kel's face that went pale as he looked between us. Kel who reacted. Kel whom I hurt. I sighed. "Did you ever watch the damned thing? If you'd watched it then you wouldn't need to talk to me. Not the edited version. The extended version before Deakman made it viewer friendly."

"I didn't know there was an extended version.

But no, I never watched it. I couldn't bring myself to watch it. My last memory of you, on your knees with other men."

"Oh, shit, please tel me you aren't talking about porn?"

"This does not concern you, Kel," I said too loudly, making him flinch. I never shouted at him. But damn, how could I even begin to give Seth what he wanted with Kel here. "Sorry. Listen, take the car and go somewhere. I can't do this with you here."

"It's fine. I'l head out. We can do this another time." Seth picked up the jacket he'd discarded.

"No." I ran my hands through my hair. "There won't be another time. Ever. When you walk out that door that's the last I ever want to see of you."

"You've become an asshole in your old age."

Seth dragged on his jacket.

"At least I'm not screwing twinks," I shot back.

Again my aim was severely off.

"What the hel was I the first time?" Seth shouted back.

"A goddamned pretty boy who'd signed up to do a porn video is what you were. You picked me as your first. Or are you going to blame that on me too?

You were just in it for kicks. I had bils to pay. You were a job. Just another cherry to pop."

"Is that al I was to you? Just a job?" For a moment he reminded me of that day. Something in his eyes. Scared shitless, maybe that was it. I remembered how he looked at me. His long blond hair, like straw, with sun streaks running through it. His broad white smile that wavered when I touched him. The sounds he made. How he felt. How he fucking purred as I sucked his long cock al the way down. He came when I fucked him, no hands, just me inside and, when it was over, he wouldn't let me go. After the cameras stopped roling I told him my real name. I'd never told anyone my real name before. I didn't want them finding me.

This one, this impossibly young, impossibly beautiful man—this one, I wanted. I wanted everything.

"You were my fucking everything before the damned cameras stopped roling. Before I even knew your real name. You were maybe the hundredth guy I fucked on camera, and I knew you'd be the last. I changed my whole life for you. I went with you.

Folowing the money while you played your way through school. I would stil be with you…" I held my keys in my hand. I loved the way the sharp teeth cut into my hand. It hurt. I needed to hurt, something, somewhere, other than my heart. I needed to get out.

To go somewhere he'd never find me. Kel either. I couldn't look at him now without seeing Seth.

"Except for the last film." Seth finished when I didn't. I wouldn't look at him. Or Kel. I couldn't. "I never wanted to see it. I was too angry. You used me to make one last big payoff video and you disappeared.

Why would I want to see it?"

"Deakman didn't send you the extra special director's cut in a pretty little case that read 'Play Me'

either, I bet. Deakman knew what he was doing." He was breaking us up. Using us against each other. I was supposed to come and sign the damned contract and colect my hundred thousand dolar check. I didn't. He couldn't use the thing without my signature. I left them both to rot in hel. I never knew how he found me. I got a check for what Seth and I usualy made together for a film. Twenty grand. And a video.

"No. He didn't. Was he supposed to?"

"You were the one with the contract. I don't know what you agreed to, Seth. I wasn't there when the script was written. I was at work. The real job that was going to pay your way through school and you were waiting for me. Blindfold in hand. I don't remember much after that. But it's on the disk. Watch it. Then get the hel out of my life." I went to a large wooden trunk I used as a coffee table and flipped the lock over to insert the key. I lifted the lid and let al of the junk piled on top hit the floor behind. I kept my safe in here, along with a slew of other stuff I didn't want in the wrong hands. The movies in particular. My movies. Our movies. I found the one in the little jewel case and tossed it to Seth.

Then I left the room to hide in my safe little corner. I'd forgotten about Kel. Forgot he even existed until I heard his voice.

"Shit, please tel me that isn't what it looks like?"

he said but Seth didn't answer. "Didn't you see his fear?

Didn't you think it odd that he freaked when he heard the other men? Didn't you wonder why he fought you?"

"I thought it was part of the script. It
was
part of the script." I could hear Seth's voice shake. I could hear my electronic voice begging him not to do this. I could hear the chorus of "Happy Birthday". I remember how it felt to have strange hands puling off my clothes. To have my arms cuffed behind my back. I'd been cuffed three times in my life and I lost everything as a result each time.

"I'm not that good of an actor," I said trying to shut out the sounds. The grunts, the slaps, the horrible sound I made when the first one took me. He'd worn a condom. They al had except the last two. Five or six. I didn't need to see the damned thing to know what happened. When it was Seth's turn he laid me on my side and kissed me as he took his turn. Caled me baby.

"Almost over, baby, and we'l be free." He ejaculated on my chest same as the others and I just laid there.

Glad it was over. I never came. No one noticed. I never came close.

"What the fuck?" Seth shouted from the living room and I knew we'd come to the encore. "I wil kil that son of a bitch."

"That's what I said." But I hadn't. Deakman sent everyone away, including Seth. He sent Seth down to the bakery to pick up a cake he'd ordered but forgot to pick up. The other guys just left. I don't know where they went. Never cared. He told Seth he'd uncuff me and help me clean up. Seth, I admit, sounded worried, but it was Deakman, we'd worked with him so many times and he'd never hurt one of us. Ever.

I felt him touch me and I knew what was going to happen. He yanked my hair until I was on my knees.

And then he was inside me. The zipper of his jeans tearing at my skin. "You're mine. Goddamned little cocksucker. I own you and your pretty toy. I own you both. There is no out. Not for the two of you. How do you like being the bottom for a change? Christ, your ass is tight even after six guys. Yeah. I've wanted to do this so many times. Your ass is mine. Pretty boy Liam thinks I'm going to let my star just walk." He pushed my face into the mattress and slammed into me. Grunting and pounding then pouring his spunk into me. "Be in my office in the morning. I've got something I want you to do. We're splitting the two of you up. So many requests for you to…" I stopped listening. I barely noticed when he released my arms. I just lay there in the filth and cried. His cameras caught it. And then he and his cameras were gone and I was alone.

I knew Seth wouldn't be gone much longer. I didn't want to see him. I dressed sloppily. I don't even remember what I grabbed. Something to cover my shame. I took my walet and I walked out. I meant to go out for a while to try and clear my head before I went back to confront Seth. Instead, I found myself in Florida. Standing on my parents' porch.

Suddenly, I couldn't breathe. I felt like I had that day. On the verge of violence. Or oblivion. I couldn't stay here. I couldn't listen to Kel's muttered curses as that scene played out. I couldn't face Seth. He knew. That's al I needed. I didn't want or need anything else.

Seth tried to stop me at the door. Tears streaked his beautiful face. I picked him up and set him aside as if he weighed nothing. And I ran. I just ran the hel away.

"Come on, Liam, pick up the damned phone.

Cal me back, text me, do something. Man, you're acting like a five year old. Three days. Fucking three days. At least let me know you're alive. If I don't hear from you by tonight, I'm caling Gran and Da."

Little prick. I deleted the voice message and lay back in the sand. It was too fucking cold to be at the beach anyway. But here I was. Dressed in jeans and a sweatshirt on fucking Panama City Beach al by myself.

Late October isn't supposed to be cold. Not this cold.

Looks like it was going to be one of those years that fal skipped us al together. The damned trees were stil green. Fucked up weather.

My phone rang again. I flipped it open without looking to see who was caling. "Yeah."

"Finaly! Do you have any idea how worried I've been? You could have at least caled." I forgot how deep his voice was now. I shivered as it washed over me.

"Wel, gee goly whiz, Dad, I didn't think you cared," I said in a falsetto voice meant to piss him off.

"Liam?"

"Kelton?"

I heard him sigh on the other end. I knew he would be pacing, because Kel was a pacer. He didn't get that from me. I was the fold up in the fetal position type. "You haven't done something stupid?"

"You mean other than the tattoo and the midget triplets? Not realy." I smiled at that one. Kel never appreciated my humor. "Of course I think I might have gotten married but can't find the lucky dude."