Beyond Complicated (24 page)

"hi."

"Hi, back," I said, forgetting his mother was outside, forgetting that my mother was outside, forgetting that Seth and Moira and a whole bunch of kids including his brother and sister were outside. I ran my hands through his hair, I should be bitching him out for his continued lack of a helmet, instead I scrape my fingers through his hair and I drag him flush against me. I just wanted to breathe in his scent to know he was fine.

I just wanted to touch him and then everything would be fine. He could go out and see his cousins. We would al have cake and candy corn and then we would go home and strip him naked and—

"I missed you so damned much," he breathed against my lips. His hands slipped under my shirt to caress the smal of my back. And everything was fine.

The world stopped spinning and everything was as it should be. Kel's mouth on mine, his fingers on my skin, my fingers twined in his hair, holding his head captive while I devoured him.

And then nothing was fine. And I knew that nothing would be fine ever again. Kel jumped away from me at the first screech. I could feel his fear from ten feet away. "You lousy son of a bitch. You lousy perverted son of a bitch. I knew it. I knew you did this to him. Molested him. I knew you were fucking molesting my son al these years, you fucking faggot. I knew—" I didn't duck when the first glass hit the cabinet beside my head. Sabrina was the pitcher on the girls' softbal championship team back in the day. Her aim was impeccable. She missed because she was crazy mad.

The shattering glass as wel as her screeching brought curious eyes. Al I could do was hold on to the counter in hopes that I could find a way out. But there was no way out. "What the hel are you doing, Sabrina?" It was Kel, yeling at his mother. He'd taken a step back and was standing in front of me, his arms extended palms facing me. Almost like a shield.

"What the hel am I doing, Kelton Lee Adams?

You have the gal to ask me what the hel I'm doing after what I just saw? Tonguing your faggot daddy right here in front of god and everybody. I bet you've been fucking him too. How old were you, Kel, when he started—"

"Shut the fuck up." Kel's compact body seemed to grow larger. I could feel the anger wafting off him. I couldn't do anything but stand there like the fucking coward I am and watch. "You don't know what the hel you're talking about."

And now Ken was in the room along with my parents, my pregnant sister, my boss and a bunch of people I didn't know or did know at one time but couldn't remember their names now.

"And you pressed against him with your tongue in his mouth was just my imagination? Jesus fucking Christ, Kelton, he's your goddamned father," she shouted back her eyes darting to Ken, a sneer on her lips, a look of extreme ecstasy in her eyes. Ken launched himself at Kel, looking to push him aside to get to me and I winced. It's al I could do. I was frozen.

I couldn't catch my breath, my heart hurt so much. It was al I could do.

But he never touched me. I looked up to see Seth's big arms wrapped around the rangy man. "Don't you dare touch either one of them," I heard him whisper. Ken bucked against him, kicking and cursing but it was Kel that everyone heard.

"He isn't my father. Liam McGuire is not my father and you goddamned wel know it, you sorry piece of shit. You were already knocked up the night you got him drunk. You knew you were pregnant that night. Every damned body knows it, Sabrina. I've known since I was six years old. But you got caught in the lie. And then you figured out you could use him for money. Lots of money. You and Ken lived off him for years. Lying about him. Caling him nasty names in front of me and the kids and your friends."

"Don't you ever lie like that about me, you pathetic little shit." Sabrina had a second to look frightened but then her instinct for survival kicked in.

"I'm your goddamned mother. And that sorry piece of shit molested you, turned you into a pervert just like him."

"Liam never did a damned thing to me. Except maybe show me what having a real family could be like.

I was never left alone until two or three in the morning by him, like you and Ken did. When I was twelve and the kids even younger. Liam's family made sure we, al of us, had birthday presents. Because you know sometimes you forgot we existed for months on end.

Liam was paying you a shit load of money a month for child support for a kid that wasn't even his but I never saw a penny of that money. Did I? You spent it on cigarettes and booze and a boob job. While we wore secondhand clothes and had free lunch at school. You even tried to file charges against him for not paying child support. But that blew up in your face. Goddamned bitch used a sixteen year old boy to make your baby's daddy jealous and then extorted money from him for eighteen damned years and you have the nerve to say anything to me."

"His name is on your birth certificate and you're fucking him. Which one of us is the biggest sinner in the room?"

"You don't know what the hel you're talking about." Kel realy could lie very wel. "Or what you saw. A hug. I hugged him and you, you drunk old bitch, need to get your eyes checked. He's a good man. You told him he was going to be a daddy when Ken ran off and joined the Navy, knowing I was already on the way when you seduced him. You used his parents to pay for your medical bils when you had Medicaid paying for the whole thing. Oh and guess what else I know, I wasn't early like you've always claimed. I was two weeks late. I was so smal and I nearly died because you wouldn't eat because I was making you fat. You puked everything up. You and Ken should probably learn that screaming at each other isn't a good idea. I heard everything over the years. Ken was pissed at you for claiming Liam was my father. Ken tried to adopt me so I could at least be with my real father. When Liam fought it, the two of you forced the judge to increase his child support. You nearly kiled him. He would never have done—"

"Kely, no," Seth said, his face gone pale and that's when the world suddenly began to move in slow motion. I could see the faces around me. I could see their eyes, their mouths as they took in the white trash scene unfolding in a middle class neighborhood in my mother's sparkling kitchen. Kel's words came out so painfuly slowly. My ears rang with a sound I couldn't describe. My heartbeat? But so fast I couldn't know for sure, sounded more like the buzzing of a… no… I don't know. I couldn't think. It hurt. The sound in my head.

Al their eyes when he said the word. My chest felt like… on fire… I was on fire… no air… no—I saw Seth say my name. I didn't hear him. I saw him push Ken aside. I saw him run toward me. I saw Kel turn toward me, his eyes big and terrified, and he was looking down on me. I saw Moira scream for Greg.

Wasn't it bad enough she was in here? Did he have to be as wel?

It was al surreal, realy. Even Sabrina looked funny. Why the hel were they al so tal? And then time caught back up. Sped up too. I could see Seth leaning over me. "Liam? Baby? Oh god." He looked scared.

So scared. I wanted to touch his hand on my face but I didn't know how to lift my hand and Kel just stood over me looking green. I wanted to tel Seth to worry about Kel, that the fight with his mother had done something to him. I heard the word heart attack. Kel was too young for a heart attack. And then Seth was standing with Kel. Holding him while Seth started crying, his face a mask of anger and fear and… Greg was leaning over me now and something nasty was forced under my tongue. My mother handed him the phone. I saw his mouth move but I couldn't hear the words.

"Come on, Liam, stay with me, buddy." And then I heard him, his hands were cold as he stripped my shirt open. Funny, I didn't think Greg—no Moira would kil me dead. "Three minutes, Liam, three minutes, just hold on. I don't know, could be a heart attack. Looks like one. He's thirty-eight. Very fit. Healthy. Nasty shock. Come on, Liam, stay with me, look at me, Liam."

I heard sirens and I saw Moira colapse against my mother. And my boss pushed Sabrina and Ken out of the kitchen then people I didn't know were touching me and Seth and Kel and there was no more pain. The buzzing in my head stopped and al I could see were my men. Both of them. I loved them. And they loved each other. Everything was going to be fine. Just fine… just fine… just f.i.n.e… just f.i—

I found myself standing in line to board a plane.

I hurt in too many places to count. My arms ached so much, as did my hips, my ass, my neck, my scalp. I could feel the remains inside me. I knew the people in line around me knew. I could see the horror in their eyes. But not because something unspeakable had happened to me. But because I'd brought it upon myself. I realy wanted to puke. I needed to lie on the floor and puke and scream until al of the pain went away. But I was standing in line to board a plane. And then time had passed. Lots of time and I was standing on the front steps of the house I grew up in. I don't remember knocking and I don't remember my mother opening the door for me. I dimly remember hugs from my parents and my sister with her little girl in her arms.

So tiny. She was so tiny. Both of them. Al four of them.

They were so tiny compared to me. I could break them al if I tried.

I didn't try. At least I didn't mean to if I did. I wasn't hungry and I didn't want to see Kel and—oh God, Li-Li, today was your birthday. If we'd known you were coming home… I didn't want cake. Never again. I would never ever want cake on my birthday again. I never had another birthday. I caled in sick when it fel on a workday and I left town. I never had another birthday. Just that last one in San Francisco.

I went to bed. Stripped naked and went to bed in the ful size bed my dad had bought my sophomore year when I outgrew the twin. I slept curled in a bal. I remember that. Under a blanket that wasn't mine because it was cold outside. No, it was just the air conditioning. It was July. It wasn't cold. But I shivered and huddled under the blankets. My mom came and touched my forehead. She talked to me. I talked back.

I have no idea what we said. He came. He was so incredibly young. Seventeen, almost seventeen. His hair was longer than I remembered it. Just past his chin and hanging in his face al the time. He pushed it back with impatient hands. I told him to get a haircut then laughed like a maniac. He didn't say much to me. Just sat with me. School was starting sooner than ever that year. The first damned week of August and he would stil be sixteen the first two weeks of his senior year. Wasn't that some shit?

It was, I agreed. I remembered. Then I laughed again because at sixteen I was waiting for him to be born and my life was fucked. I played footbal and I lusted after my best friend. My male best friend and when he found out I'd knocked up Sabrina Adams he stopped speaking to me. She was a whore. Everybody knew it. She was mean and did every damn thing she could to piss off her preacher father. She ran with that dropout who looked like Sean Penn and Brad Pitt's lovechild. He was a mean ass motherfucker and when he finds out, he wil beat your ass. And Brad pushed me against the locker and never said another word to me after that. I'd wanted to kiss him so much, but he'd beat my ass and I would let him and—oh shit, I was so fucked up.

Then somehow, I was remembering things that I didn't remember. Things that made me hurt. "Found him on the back deck four days after he came home. He was naked. Passed out in his own vomit. He tried to purge the pils but he'd taken too many. Grand Da folowed me out. Guess I can't cal him that anymore, can I? Whatever." I could hear the memory gulp and shrug. How do you hear a shrug anyway? "He was so cold. I thought he was dead. There were bruises al over his body. His hips and legs and arms. Strange bruises around his wrists. And dried blood and crusted over semen and—oh god, I didn't know what it was then. I didn't know. He was dead or dying. He'd taken Grand Da's Prozac, al of it, and some sleeping pils but no one knew where he'd gotten those from. We never knew why he was outside. But he tried to puke them back up. I knew he wouldn't realy do it. He was so strong and happy al the time and I loved him so much and I needed him to be strong and happy so I could be strong and happy too.

"And then a few days later he woke up. Days.

Days. I can't remember how many—two, three, four.

He didn't wake up for days and they didn't know if he'd damaged his brain with too many drugs. Maybe he would never wake up. But he did. I was there. He woke up screaming. He clawed at the tubes in his nose and yanked the IV out of his arm and…" the memory stopped to dry his eyes and gulp again. I could hear fear and pain in his voice. "He tried to stab his wrist with it but it was just plastic. The nurse left a pair of scissors on the table, she was away for maybe a minute when he woke up, he grabbed those when the IV didn't work and tried to slit his wrists… It took four big men to hold him down and he was screaming horrible things.

I can't even remember what he said now. I just knew this wasn't right. This was so, so wrong and I didn't know how to deal with it. I loved him so much. But I wished he could find some peace. I wished it. I did.

That he would just fade away in his sleep."

I heard the memory break apart then. His voice gone, washed away by tears. "No one came to sit with him. Just me. I'm not sure if his parents came. I never saw them. I hated them for that. They put these thick leather cuffs on him, arms and legs, and chained him to the railing. They moved him to…"