Better Than Okay (28 page)

“So?” she continued as if there was no interruption.

She reached up into the cupboard and pulled down three glasses,
and poured some concoction from the refrigerator in each of them, still waiting
for Destiny to answer her.

“I mean… I haven’t really looked, no,” she answered.

She accepted the glass from Chrissy and stared down into it. It
was brown and green and it looked like crap. Literally. She quickly eyed her
mom, who gave her a knowing look. She clearly wasn’t into Chrissy’s weird ass
potions either. She sighed, glancing back to Chrissy.

 
“I did send out some
emails to my contacts yesterday, so I probably won’t hear anything back until
next week, but you know,” she shrugged again. “This was an opportunity. And I
need a job.”

She looked down at her fingernails, wondering why she was hounding
her about possibly accepting a job there. Everyone knew she needed to be
employed.

“How’s Brian?” she asked, switching subjects so abruptly Destiny
couldn’t do anything but stare at her in response for a few seconds.

“He’s…” she trailed off, shrugging.

“I mean, how’s he doing since he found out his mom disappeared
again?” she pressed.

“What?” Destiny jerked her head up, alarmed.

“Yeah, Clara called over here last week saying nobody knew where
she was again,” Tori answered. “She told me Brian’s been trying to find her,
calling all of the old contacts he had on her.”

“I don’t think they’ve told Alexis she’s gone missing again yet,
they didn’t want to upset her, especially while she’s at cheerleading camp,”
Chrissy continued.

Destiny shook her head, tears welling in her eyes. She’d been so
consumed with her own problems she hadn’t even really picked up on anything
being wrong with him. And while he was comforting her, he was sorting through
his own mess. She bit her lip.

“You need to really think about what you may be giving up,
Tweety,” Chrissy warned, taking another swig of her concoction.

“What are you saying, Chrissy?” Destiny asked, careful to keep her
tone from creeping into disrespectful territory. “I shouldn’t consider a job
here? I thought you guys would be happy about me possibly moving back.”

Tori frowned at Chrissy before turning to Destiny.

“We’d love it if you came back, Tweety. You know that. If it’s
what you really wanted.”

“What does that mean?” she asked softly.

Tori sighed. “Honestly, I was surprised you were even considering
a job here. You weren’t exactly fond of Phoenix when you left for college. And
after my last visit to Miami, you seemed pretty set on staying there.”

“I had a job then,” she replied.

“I know. But…” Tori trailed off.
 
“With Brian being there…” Chrissy chimed in, letting the sentence dangle in the
air.

Destiny frowned.

“So what, you think I should make a decision based off of a guy?”
she asked, surprised.

“Brian isn’t just ’a guy,’ Tweety, you know that. I practically
raised that boy,” Chrissy said, sipping her concoction.

Destiny just barely stopped herself from rolling her eyes. She was
always saying that, even though everyone knew it was an extreme exaggeration.
She looked at her mom, trying to see if she felt the same way.

“You know I’m not pushing you to be involved with anyone, or make any
decisions based off of a man… any man,” Tori said, answering her look. “I just
know that you seemed happy with him. Calmer. Especially after…” she looked
away. “I just want you to be happy, Tweety. I want you to make decisions based
on what will make you happy—not off of what you feel obligated to do, and
especially not out of fear. I just want you to get the life that you
deserve.
 
Lord knows you’ve been
through enough.”

Tori sighed and absently took a sip of her potion before looking
at her again.

“Don’t ever feel like I’m pushing you to be with anyone, okay? I
love Brian and I love that he’s been there for you, but you’re my daughter. I
want you to be happy. And if you’re not happy with him, then so be it.”

Destiny looked down into her glass. That couldn’t be farther from
the truth.

“But I was happy with him,” she said quietly. “And I do love him.
I just. I don’t know how to be with him. I don’t think I know how to love him
right. I’m scared. I’m afraid it can’t be for real, or that it can’t really last.”

She looked up her eyes falling on her mom before she glanced at
Chrissy, who looked like she was on the verge of tears herself.

“You know you can’t judge your own relationships by what’s
happened in our lives, Tweety,” Chrissy told her. “You or Dorian. You both run
from commitment, in your own ways.”

She paused, eyeing her. “You can’t be afraid of being in a
relationship because of what we’ve been through. We’ve made our own decisions.
Decisions that have had consequences.”

Destiny scowled. “My mom didn’t do anything to my dad. He just
morphed into a jerk and left.”

She glanced at Tori, who shook her head.

“He didn’t morph into anything, Desi,” she said. “He showed me who
he was early on in our relationship and I chose to see what I wanted to see.
When someone shows you who they really are, believe them from the very
beginning. And Christine is right, you can’t live your life based on what we’ve
experienced. You learn from what we’ve been through, but you don’t base your
life on it. Because it’s your life. You’re going to bump your head. You’re
going to make mistakes. You’re going to have experiences that hurt. But that
doesn’t mean you give up completely. You have to move on and trust that God has
something even better for you.”

Destiny stared at her hands, absorbing her words.

“Don’t be afraid to receive what’s being given to you.”

“And what’s being given to me, mom?” she asked, her heart in her
throat.

Tori looked at her, making sure she was listening.

“Love.”

Chapter 26

Monday,
3:22 p.m.

We
found out today that Connor Dorsey reached a plea deal with the D.A. He was
sentenced to eight years. He’ll probably do around six. Honestly, I’m kind of
glad that I was here when I found out. I’m kind of glad that I was with my mom.
It’s weird. I thought I would be happy that he’s finally been sentenced and
that this is “over with.” But now that it’s done, I don’t really know how I
feel. Is that enough time for him to serve for what he did to me? I know I’ll
live with it for the rest of my life. I’m just trying really hard to not let it
become my life, you know? It’s not going to be the one thing that I always
associate with myself. Not anymore. Vanessa says that maybe I should write him
a letter to explain how I feel, or whatever. A letter that I don’t really have
to send. She says it will help me to forgive him so that I can move on. But I’m
tired of giving him my ink. My time. My mind. My thoughts. I’m so tired. Have I
forgiven him? No. Hell no. I don’t know that I can. How do you really forgive something
like that? Doesn’t forgiveness require some form of understanding? I don’t
think I’ll ever understand why he did what he did to me. But I do know that I
can move on anyway. Maybe instead of writing him, I’ll write a thank-you letter
to Carlos, Zachias, Yancey, and Jabari—the four guys who caught him. That
seems a little more productive. And real. I know that I have to stop spending
so much time actively hating Connor Dorsey though. Because actively hating him
is actively thinking about him and I don’t want to give him my thinking power.
I know I can’t pretend like this didn’t happen. But I won’t let it define me or
my life. I won’t let it hinder me. I won’t let it make me into someone I don’t
want to be—Numb. Scared all of the time. Afraid of really living. So
forget A.R. Destiny. And while I’m at it, forget B.R. Destiny too. I can’t go
back to her. All I can be is who I currently am. Maybe I’m a little bit of both
now. And I’m actually okay with that. You know what? I think I just reached a
plea deal with myself. Ha. Maybe this Cathartic Ass Journal isn’t such bullshit
after all.

 
* * *

“Yo, how’s it going?”

Destiny held the phone between her ear and shoulder as she leaned
back on her palms, letting her feet dangle in the pool water.

“Eh,” she half-shrugged, answering Dorian. It was after ten at
night and she was sitting outside, trying to clear her head after being stuffed
in the house all day because of the sweltering heat. She was happy he’d called
her.

“I heard they sentenced him,” he said, without preamble. A second
ticked by. “You okay?”

“I will be,” she answered, curling her toes in the water. There
was another long silence. “What is… how is Brian?”

She asked the question tentatively. She hadn’t talked to him in three
days. She’d broken down and texted him earlier that day, a simple “hi.” He
texted back, “hi” a few minutes later, and nothing else. “I miss you,” she’d
written immediately, her heart flip-flopping in her chest. He hadn’t replied.

Her question was met with another long silence now and she could
imagine Dorian deliberating on what to tell her, or if he wanted to tell her
anything at all. She knew it probably sucked being in his position, but she
couldn’t help asking him, especially since Brian wasn’t talking to her. He
sighed audibly.

“I dunno, dude. He’s pretty fucked up. He’s probably back there
taking a bubble bath and listening to Drake or some shit.” He sighed again and
Destiny rolled her eyes. “It’s depressing as hell being around him. He’s making
me want to slit my own wrist.”

It didn’t make her feel any better knowing that he was as
miserable as she was. It made her feel worse because she was the one at fault
for his misery.

“How’s Aidan?” he asked after another long minute.

“Getting big,” she grinned. “You know he has actual biceps now?”

He chuckled.

“Your mom is good too,” she offered, mostly because she knew he
was still pissed at her. “She got a new job in a health food store. She’s been
bringing all of these weird herbs and concoctions to the house.”

Dorian snorted. “She needs to learn how to focus on one thing and
stop hopping around all the time. She’s too old for that shit.”

Destiny bit her lip, swinging her legs in the water again.

“She kind of lectured me about possibly taking this job.”

“Lectured you?” he repeated, immediately sounding agitated.

She released a breath and lifted her foot, watching the water drip
off of her toe and make small rings when it hit the pool.

“Well, not really lectured. She just was saying that me and you have
issues with commitment.”

He laughed, though there was no humor in his voice.

“Like she can give anyone any relationship advice.”

Destiny was silent for minute. “Honestly, what she said was kinda
true, D. I push people away and you won’t give anybody a chance.”

He grunted. “I just haven’t met anybody that keeps my interest.
Besides, what the hell would I want a relationship for? So I can run around
looking like you and Brian? All depressed and mopey and sensitive and shit?
Nah, I’m cool.”

She sighed and shook her head. “She said Brian’s mom disappeared
again. Did you know that?”

He waited a beat before answering. “He asked me not to say
anything to you. He didn’t want to add any stress after you lost your job or
whatever.”

“That’s messed up,” she said rolling her eyes. “I’m not some
emotionally unstable basket case—anymore, anyway. He needs to let the
people who love him decide what they can deal with.”

“Like you do?” he asked sarcastically.

She paused caught off guard. She didn’t have anything to say to
that, so she said nothing.

“So, what do you think you’re going to do?” he asked, shifting
subjects. “Think you can seriously move back to Phoenix?”

She chewed on her lip. “Honestly, I probably could. I’ve gotten
pretty good at adjusting to things. But I don’t really want to leave. I love
him, Dorian. So much it almost feels like I can’t breathe sometimes.”

He sighed exaggeratedly and she knew he was rolling his eyes.

“Dude, please stop with all that dramatic shit. Your sensitive ass
can breathe. You need to be telling him all of this. Not me.”

She studied her cuticles, kicking her leg in the water again. “He
hates me though.”

“Are you serious, right now, Tweet? Did you even hear what I just told
you earlier? The dude is around here moping and taking bubble baths. He doesn’t
hate you.”

“Stop saying he’s taking bubble baths,” she laughed, in spite of
herself. “Have you actually seen him take one?”

“No, but that’s beside the point. Ya’ll need to get your shit
together. I’m tired of hearing about it. Now, when are you coming home?”
“Probably Thursday.”

“Good. I’m having taco night Friday and I need to borrow your
blender.”

* * *

Friday,
3:39 p.m.

I
looked up the word “grace” on the flight back home today. Merriam-Webster
defines it as “
unmerited
divine assistance given to humans for their regeneration or
sanctification”…I’ve been thinking a lot about why Brian said he chose to get
“grace” tattooed on his arm. It’s permanent. It’ll be there forever. And Brian
just isn’t the type to make decisions lightly. When he does something he means
it. Just like when he says something, he means it. I thought about what
 
“unmerited divine assistance” actually
means. I think it just means that you didn’t necessarily do anything to deserve
the help you get. Maybe that you even get the help when you try to push it
away, or actively do things that are unworthy of it. So, maybe God knew I
wouldn’t make it through everything okay without Brian. Without his calm. Without
his love. Without his milkshakes. Maybe him being in my life was my unmerited
divine assistance. Maybe the grace of God is what put Brian in my life.