Bent not Broken (139 page)

“Yeah. Are you?”

“I don’t know if it will ever be okay, but I feel better when I’m with you.”

“I feel the same way,” I admit. I help him clean up dinner and look at the clock; it’s already past eight. “I’m going to go let my mom know where I am.”

“When you’re done, do you want to watch a movie?”

“I’m really tired, and just kind of want to go to bed.”

He lowers his head. “Okay, I’ll get the couch ready.”

I find my purse on the chair next to the door and grab my phone to send my mom a text. She’s still at work, and she probably wouldn’t even realize I’m gone until morning, but I don’t need her sending out a search party to find me.

Kate: I’m staying at Asher’s tonight.

I press send and notice I have two missed phone calls from Beau and several texts. I tuck my phone back in my purse, not bothering to listen to his voicemails or read his texts. It can wait until tomorrow. I’m too exhausted to deal with anything else today.

Asher comes around the corner, pointing his thumb toward the bedroom. “It’s all set. I left you two pillows. I hope that’s enough.”

“Thank you,” I say, walking toward him. “I appreciate everything you’ve done for me today.” I brush my lips against his cheek before starting toward the bedroom.

I don’t get far before he grabs my hand, halting me in place. “I’d do anything for you,” he says, running his thumb across the top of my hand.

He smiles and I smile back at him before heading to the empty bedroom and laying my tired body across the bed. I bury my head in the pillow; it smells like the soap in his shower. I love that Asher doesn’t drench himself in cologne. He always smells fresh and earthy.

As I settle in, I hear the rain hitting the metal siding outside. Being in the dark room, lying in a bed that isn’t mine brings some of the old, heavy feelings back. I realize it will take some time to let go of my fears, but now I know that I don’t have to do it alone.

I tiptoe out of the bed just in case Asher is already sleeping. When I turn the corner, I see that he’s not. He’s staring up at the ceiling with his hands crossed over his chest.

“Asher?” I say softly.

His head snaps in my direction. “Yeah?”

“Will you come lay next to me? It’s raining and . . .” My voice trails off. I hate that I sound like a scared little girl.

He quickly stands, stepping in my direction. “Didn’t I just tell you that I’d do anything for you?”

He’s close enough that our chests are practically touching, and my whole body goes on alert. His mouth is so close that I can feel his breath on my lips. My breathing picks up when his lips descend on mine. I wonder if there will ever be a time when he doesn’t have this effect on me.

“Let’s go to bed,” he whispers, pulling his head back and grabbing my hand.

He doesn’t skip a beat as he guides me into the room and closes the door behind him. He turns, gently placing his hands on my hips and drawing me close to him. I close my eyes when he finally touches his lips to mine. They feel like warm cotton candy against my skin. He takes his time licking, nibbling and biting until I can’t feel them anymore.

“How was that for a goodnight kiss?” he asks, pulling his bottom lip between his teeth.

“I think you already know,” I smile, crawling back into his bed. He doesn’t make me wait long before he joins me.

I tuck myself under the nice warm comforter, but I keep my back turned to him. I’m scared of what might happen if I continue to look. I feel movement on his side of the bed followed by a large hand gripping my hip. “Kate, can I hold you? I want to know what it’s like to fall asleep with you in my arms.”

My gaze is fixed on the window, watching the rain roll down the panes. “I think I’d like that,” I whisper. He places one arm beneath my head and the other around my waist. He hugs me close, fitting us together like one. I listen to the rain hitting hard against the window and concentrate on how it feels to be here in Asher’s arms. He’s my life size security blanket keeping me safe and content. This is exactly what I need to think about when I hear the rain.

“Why did you decide to tell me your secret?” I ask, entwining my fingers with his.

“Because I knew it was the only way I’d get you to tell me yours.”

Chapter 14

Waking up from the best full night’s sleep I’ve had in a long time wrapped in two strong arms is nothing I’ll ever complain about. I’ve been missing out on some of the best things in life. The critical moment that lasted mere minutes of my life bled into years . . . and Asher is the only one who has been able to make the bleeding stop.

Asher’s presence is like the moment you open a present, and all that remains is the plain white box and you have no idea what surprises lie inside. I get that anxious, excited feeling in my chest every time I see him.

And if he thought his secret would change how I view him, he was wrong. As a matter of fact, I think I feel even more connected to him. We both have horrible pasts that we’re trying to get over, and now we each have someone to do it with.

It always seems like the things I worry about the most never turn out as bad as I think they will. It’s the things I don’t see coming that throw me right on my ass. I realize the key to living is getting past the things I can’t change and putting my energy into the things I can. It’s something I wish I could’ve realized a long time ago.

“Are you awake?”

I break out of my thoughts, turning my head to see Asher’s beautiful blues staring back at me. The sun shines brightly through the window making his eyes look even more brilliant than I remembered.

“I guess I am.” I smile.

“I’m glad because while you’re really cute when you sleep, you’re even more breathtaking when you’re awake,” he says, running the tips of his fingers along my jawline.

“I was just thinking the same thing about you.” His slightly too long blonde hair is going every which way, but it suits him, and I can’t stop my fingers from combing through it.

“Are you flirting with me, Kate?”

“I don’t know the first thing about flirting.” My cheeks instantly heat up as I pull my lower lip between my teeth.

“You’re cute when you blush,” he remarks, adjusting his pillow so that his head is closer to mine. “And everyone can flirt . . . they just have to find someone who inspires them to do it.”

“Are you complimenting yourself now?” I ask, trying to hold back a laugh.

He smiles, kissing the corner of my mouth. “Take it however you’d like.”

“You’re a smooth talker, Asher Hunt.” Asher says things that most guys I know wouldn’t even think about saying to me.

For several minutes, we lie there as Asher runs the pad of his fingertips across my cheeks, lips and down the sensitive skin under my ears, as if he’s memorizing each part. He slowly slides his hand to the back of my neck and pulls me in. When his lips press against mine, I close my eyes and enjoy the tingle he sends throughout my body. His fingers dance up my back and down my bare arm before settling on my hip. Surprisingly, I don’t think about what happened before. For the first time since my innocence was stolen away from me, I feel comfortable letting someone else touch me. The way his hand brushes against my skin isn’t forceful, or rough . . . it’s soothing. It just feels so right, like the way a man should touch a woman.

When he breaks contact, I want to protest. I never thought I’d be able to do this much without running for the nearest exit, but here I am.

And I want more.

My eyes lock on the tattoo on the inside of his arm and I can’t stop my fingers from running over it.

“That’s the date Megan died. I put it there as a reminder,” he says, looking down at my fingers.

“You’ll never forget. She’s right here,” I whisper, resting my hand on his chest.

“Thank you for trusting me with your secret. I’m sorry that happened to you. If I could go back and change it, I would,” he says, running his fingers along my collarbone.

“But the thing about the past is that it can’t be rewritten. Somehow, I have to learn to deal with it and you have to forgive yourself for what happened to Megan.”

“Sometimes it feels like I’m being punished for what happened that night,” Asher says softly, just a few inches from my lips.

“What do you mean?” I ask, pulling my head back to look into his eyes.

“I don’t know. I guess everything bad that happens afterward seems like God’s way of paying me back.” He pauses, moving his fingers up to caress my cheek. “But since I’ve met you, I feel like I’ve been given a second chance. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt like I was living with something other than regret, and I owe that to you.”

“And I owe my happiness to you,” I whisper, pressing my lips to his. “You’ve already opened my eyes to so many things that I wouldn’t let myself see before.”

“I don’t know what I did to deserve moments like these,” he says, brushing a few strands of hair from my forehead. I understand his pain because I would be a mess if something ever happened to Beau, but he has to let go of the guilt that he’s holding. He can’t change what happened . . . no one can. I also realize I’m being a hypocrite because I’ve spent the last two years holding on to a past I can’t change.

“You deserve a lifetime of moments like these,” I say, kissing him again. He reaches behind my head to deepen the kiss, paying attention to my lips first, and then pressing his tongue into my mouth. My heart flutters when he slides his hand under my shirt to massage my lower back. I moan as he slows the kiss and pulls my lower lip between his teeth.

When I look into his eyes again, I see lust mixed with concern. “If I ever push you too far and you want to stop, all you have to do is tell me. I’m not the type of guy who takes things from a girl that she doesn’t want to give. I’m not him,” he says, nuzzling my nose with his. “I need you to remember you always have control. Always.”

I lift my head and softly kiss his cheek. “I’d like to continue what we were doing.”

“I can manage that,” he says, propping his head in his hand. I’m bursting with anticipation as I wait to feel more of his delicious kisses.

Asher doesn’t disappoint. He wraps his hand around the back of my head again, tangling his fingers in my hair. I wait anxiously for the explosion that always goes off inside my body when his warm skin first touches mine. He has a way of pulling me out of the deep, dark black hole I thought I’d be lost in forever. With each day spent with him, I get a little closer to the surface and I can finally see the sun poking through.

If I had known life could be like this for me, even after everything that happened, I would have worked a little harder for it. But maybe he’s the only one who could bring this transparency back to my life. It’s something I wouldn’t have found on my own.

“Where do you want me to kiss you first?” he growls, making my heart beat at lightning pace. He’s giving me control. For the first time, I’m comfortable enough to take that control.

“My neck, below my ear,” I pant, closing my eyes while I wait for him to shower my body with kisses. I’ve never wanted something more in my entire life.

My breath hitches when his tongue brushes against the delicate skin. When his lips finally press against the same spot, they linger, letting me take in the moment and store it away in my memory.

“Where do you want me now?” he whispers above my ear, sending an electric current from my forehead to my toes.

“My lips. I need to feel your lips.”

He teases me, nuzzling his nose against mine before giving me what I really want. When it finally happens, it’s like I’m floating on a lone cloud on the clearest of summer days. And when his tongue starts dancing in circles with mine, I feel a ping in my heart and wrap my arms around his neck to bring our bodies closer.

My dream quickly turns to a nightmare, though, when he leans his body over mine, trapping me between him and the mattress. Out of nowhere, all I feel is Drew, and my whole body stiffens.

I don’t feel Asher’s lips. Instead, I feel that pain that was caused when Drew forced his lips on mine. Suddenly, it’s not Asher’s body leaning on top of mine, but Drew’s weight holding me down. When I feel his hardness press up against my thigh, the moment right before Drew pushed into me that night plays in my mind. I can feel the physical and emotional pain as if it’s happening to me right now.

Fear.

“Kate,” Asher says shaking my upper arms. I was so consumed by my inner demons that I didn’t realize he had stopped kissing me.

“Just get off me,” I cry, pressing against his chest. “Now.” All my control is gone again, and helplessness is the terrorist messing with all of my happiness.

There’s a look of pure horror on Asher’s face as he quickly moves to my side. I feel as if I’ve become some sort of monster. I know I’m not, but there sure as hell is one living inside of me, constantly reminding me why I can’t enjoy simple things like having a passionate moment with the incredible guy lying next to me.

Asher carefully pulls away the hair from my tear stained cheeks and lightly runs the back of his finger along the side of my face. “Please tell me what I did wrong,” he begs, staring at me with burning intensity, “because I never want to see that look on your face again.”

My chest feels like it’s being compressed in a clamp, and all I can do to ease the pressure is take a few deep, cleansing breaths. I should be enjoying this. I’m with a guy who is patient and caring, but all I see is the jerk who did this to me. Some things don’t work out the way they’re supposed to, I get that, but this . . .

This is beyond any punishment that anyone could ever deserve.

“I don’t like having anyone on top of me. It brings back too many things I’d like to forget. But it has absolutely nothing to do with you,” I tell him, crying. I place my palm against his cheek.

“Are you sure?” he asks, shutting his eyes tight. “Cause that sure didn’t sound like nothing.” I can feel that my history is going to have a negative effect on him. It’s the reason I should have never started this in the first place. Somehow, I’ll end up pushing him away and ruin whatever this is between us.