Beginning with Forever (40 page)

   
“Oh Carson…” He seals his lips over mine, completely controlling every part of me. I come as he inhales my sensual pants and groans. It appears that he desperately needs to capture my moment of pleasure and keep it locked inside his soul, a keepsake for when we’re apart. He follows my high with an intense orgasm of his own.

I
don’t understand. It doesn’t make any sense to me. I was positive she’s pregnant. She has all the symptoms. She should be about three weeks along. It’s a stretch to think that she could be pregnant after one time of my coming inside her, but it’s not impossible. Why am I disappointed that she isn’t? It’s not like I’m ready to be a father, but then who’s ever ready for that? I’m sure I’d be able to handle it just like anyone else could.

Why is she having all these unexplainable symptom
s then? Maybe she is pregnant, but why would she keep it from me? She should know how I feel about her by now. I love her. There should be no doubt in her heart about that. Maybe the baby isn’t mine? She and Richard share late night rotations at the hospitals. Is this why she’s been avoiding my eyes and acting so abnormally secretive? She’s afraid I would see the truth in them. Fuck, what am I doing? I’m falsely accusing her because of my insecurities again. I can’t think like this, not now, not before I leave her tomorrow. Where’s my faith in us? She would never deceive me.

I need an explanation
, or I’ll go insane. All that Jean could tell me was that she’ll be fine. He wouldn’t divulge any other information they shared because of the patient confidentiality rule. I just want to know what she’s hiding from me. If she would give me something to go on, it’ll make my trip back to Boston much easier to handle. How can I sleep with all this uncertainty?

F
irst thing this morning, Carson brings me breakfast in bed. “Fresh fruits, egg whites and special hot tea for my Angel.” He places a red teak tray with my goodies in front of me. His handsome face makes waking up in the morning so much easier. I need no stimulus other than his perfect heart-palpitating smile to get me through the day. “Drink the tea first,” he considerately suggests. “It’ll make your breakfast go down easier.” He blows the top of the hot fluid, cooling it with his breath and lifts the white porcelain teacup to my lips. “Be careful. It’s very hot,” he warns. I sip the tea cautiously and stare into his penetrating eyes. It’s not my favorite blend with its earthy medicinal aftertaste, but I’m grateful for it.

“Carson, you spoil me rotten
,” I tell him. He needs to know that I appreciate all he does for me. I don’t want any of his good deeds to go unaccounted for.  He glides his fingers along the side of my neck, tips my chin up with his thumb and gently kisses my willing lips.

“
I spoil only you.” He patiently waits for me to finish my breakfast while reading the morning paper with his coffee. I finished all the fruits and egg without any nausea or vomiting thanks to Jean’s healing tea. My energy is slowly coming back, making me feel like a new woman again. If only I can overcome today’s dreadful challenge, watching Carson leave, without heartache and tears.

I
walk over to the closet and choose another comfy cotton sundress to wear for our trip back. As I turn my head to look at Carson on the bed with a sideways glance, I playfully ask him if I should be wearing panties today. He nods his head without any trace of humor on his face. “We need to head downstairs soon.” There’s an immediate change in his tone. I can never keep up with his forever changing mood. Two seconds ago he was playful and pleasant to wake up to and now he’s antsy and tense.

“Okay
,” I snip, fighting back my irritation. Argh, his moods drive me crazy.

Ame and Owen
are waiting downstairs to meet us for our drive to the airport. Ame wildly waves her arm to signal me towards her as soon as she sees me, and I wave back to acknowledge her with less energy in comparison. She prances quickly in my direction and loops her arm around mine.

“Oh
my gosh! I had the best and most relaxing time of my life. This place is unbelievable.” Her voice is high pitched and full of enthusiasm. She lists all the different spa treatments she was able to experience in one day. “Were you able to try the volcanic mud wrap? My skin feels amazingly silky. Feel it.” She sticks her right arm out and runs her left hand up and down like Vanna White to demonstrate how smooth and soft her skin is.

“I’m
bummed that I didn’t get to try it,” I tell her with a fake pouty expression. “I’m glad you enjoyed yourself.” I want to take this brief opportunity to break my news to her, but Carson surprises me from behind and places his hand on the small of my back, sending a stimulating current up and down my spine. My back subtly arches forward in response to his touch, craving him. Why I can’t get my fill of him is beyond my understanding.

“
Carson, thanks for inviting me. It’s very generous and considerate of you.” Though Amelia is normally a touchy-feely person, she’s cautious not to overstep her boundaries with Carson when expressing her gratitude to him. She unloops our arms and gingerly hugs him with her opposite one. I’m the buffer between their embrace since Carson refuses to let me go while hugging Amelia. Oh, what the hell, I give her a squeeze, also. It’s not quite the same as our three musketeer hug with Richard, but it’s not too shabby for Carson’s first.

“
Amelia, it’s my pleasure. I’m glad you enjoyed yourself,” he politely responds and breaks off our hug. His composure returns to being guarded once more.

“
Mr. Bradley, the limo is here. We should get going to stay on schedule,” Owen grabs his attention, and Carson nods his head in response. I want to ask Owen how he enjoyed his time here, but then I remembered how Carson reacted the last time I tried to interact with him. I decide not to push my luck with his unpredictable mood. As we start to single file into the limo, Jean-Pierre comes running towards me with another decorative box of tea. He’s breathing heavily from sprinting here.

“Miss
Ly, good luck. I’m giving you an extra box in case you need it.” He hands it over to me, intently looking into my eyes.

I gratefully
accept it and lean forward to give him a hug. “Thank you for everything.” Carson gives us both a questioning look. I purposely ignore it. The last thing I need is to add fire to his already volatile mood.

“Be careful
,” he whispers into my ear with a deep solemn tone. Why would he tell me that? I’m stunned. What is he warning me about? Maybe I’m reading into it too much. I want to prolong our hug and demand an explanation, but knowing it’ll make matters worse with Carson, I unwillingly step into the limo, baffled and upset.

“Jean, good work as usual.
Thanks for helping Lillian.” Carson gives him a firm handshake.

“
Au revoir mon ami
. Take good care of her. She’s a special lady,” Jean bids Carson farewell.

“I know she is
,” Carson confirms. He takes a seat next to me and wraps his left arm around my shoulders as soon as the door shuts behind him.

Our drive to the airport
is eerily quiet. Carson locks his eyes outside the window and Amelia is fussing with her phone. Owen is sitting in the front with the driver, and I’m fighting the urge to touch my abdomen while contemplating Jean’s last two words to me, ‘be careful.’ I need a distraction to get my mind off of my worrisome thoughts. My phone hasn’t been on since yesterday. I pull it out of my purse and power it up. Whoa, at least eight missed calls from Isabella and two texts to return her call with many exclamation marks behind it. I wonder what her urgency could possibly be. I’ll return her call when I get back. I have my own urgency to share with her as well. I drop my phone back into my purse and sneak a glance at Carson. His focus is still outside the window.  Without thinking, my eyes drift down to my flat belly. I gently place both my hands over it, imagining a baby inside, ours. Carson coincidentally cocks his head in my direction, and I’m caught. I immediately avoid his brooding eyes.

“Is your stomach
bothering you again?” he whispers with a soft tone, laced with more suspicion than concern. I nod my head. He turns his upper body to face me, and his focus is no longer distantly out the window. “Good, because you’d tell me if anything was wrong with you, right?” He strokes his hand across my belly and leaves it on top of both my hands, trapping them underneath. My right hand escapes his grip, but my left remains prisoner.

“Uh-huh
,” I curtly reply to his question. I have to avoid any conversation leading up to a baby. He turns his attention outside the window again while holding onto to my left hand. It’s killing me inside, trying to figure out what’s going on in his mind. Is he onto me? I can’t tell him about a baby if I don’t know for sure yet.

Ame
lia looks over to me several times, giving me
what the hell’s going on
eyes. I return her looks with
I will tell you later
eyes. We understood one another without any further verbal discussions. I’m grateful to have her here with me, being my human shield. She’s been fending Carson’s inquiries from me. Without her, Carson would’ve had me spilling my heart and soul out to him already. I’m just not ready to accept the truth or to tell him yet because I don’t know if I can handle the consequences. I’ve always prided myself as being independent and strong, but now I’m a complete wimp.

Carson’s temperament is normally controlled in public, but not today. His frustration is visibly growing by the minute. Once the pilot is cleared for take-off, and we’re safely in the air, Carson abruptly excuses us from Amelia and marches me straight to his private cabin. This is uncharacteristic of him to be impolite. He slides the privacy curtain behind us and grips both my arms with his hands. “Lil, do you have something you want to tell me?” He looks directly into my eyes with his narrowed and completely penetrating.

“Wh
at is this all about, Carson?” I nervously ask him. His eyes tell me that I need to fess up, tell him what he’s searching for or suffer his wrath. He can be terribly intimidating when he’s upset.

“You tell me, Lil.”
The tone of his voice is daunting as it increases in volume.

“
Tell you what? I have no idea what you want me to tell you.” I’ve never seen him this frustrated with me. I should just bite the bullet and confess now.  I break our intense stare, cock my head sideways and look at the heavy privacy curtain, searching for a means of escape. Can I possibly make a run for it?

He inhales a deep breath while closing his eyes and blows it o
ut along with his frustration. “I’m sorry. I think I’m losing it. I’m struggling today.” He loosens his grip on my arms and circles his around my body instead. “Please forgive me. I’m having a hard time letting you go.” Thank goodness he’s back to normal. I was on the brink of baring it all to him without a single backup plan.

“Carson, it’s
difficult for me, too. I hate not knowing what’ll become of us after you grow tired of flying here to see me whenever it’s possible on your busy schedule. The thought of losing you isn’t easy for me.”

Lowering me on the edge of his bed, he
kneels down on one knee between my thighs. With my hands in his, he tells me, “I love you. I know this might sound too soon, but I do. The distance will drive me crazy, but it’ll never drive me away from you.” I caress his face in my hands and kiss him with all my heart. I can’t believe he just told me he loves me. His father once mentioned that Carson has a difficult time with this word. He wouldn’t tell me this unless he truly means it. My heart swells up with happiness, hearing him confirm that what we have is real for him, too.

“
Carson, I don’t think it’s too soon. I feel the same about you,” I tell him in my round-about way. Those three words are even harder for me to utter. I might have given him my heart, but my mind is still not convinced. My fear of being hurt by a man is always lingering in the back of my mind. I can’t help or deny it. I’ve witnessed my mother’s sadness for too many years to be easily swayed to believe that love truly exists outside of movies. This setback only adds to my insecurities. I’m constantly worried that Carson will eventually lose his interest in me and return to Bianca, the woman who’s at least ten times sexier and more beautiful than me.

Carson pulls himself from my tight embrace and digs into his pants pocket. “I have something
for you. It’s a promise I want to make to you.” He pulls out a small black leather jewelry box and hands it to me. I hope it’s not what I think it is. “Open it,” he urges me. My heart is racing and my palms begin to sweat as I flip the lid up. It’s a unique platinum ringin the shape of a lotus stem and bud with dazzling diamonds along one side of the bud. I spot an inscription on the inside of the band
,
C.B. forever true L.
L.
He takes the ring out of the box and reaches for my left hand. “This ring is a reminder of my promise to be forever true to you, Lily.” He slides it onto my middle finger and seals it with a kiss. Carson is making it very difficult for me to hold back my tears. I’ve never had anyone offer me this kind of thoughtfulness and love besides my mother. It’s so heartfelt that I’m not sure how to embrace it.