becoming us (19 page)

“Mmkay.” Zac bit his lip. “I’ve got a change of clothes in the bag I brought. I can, like, get dressed or something, if you want.”

“You don’t have to.” Bryce blushed as he wriggled out of bed, reaching for his boxers. “I mean.

If no one’s home...” He tugged his boxers on; they did nothing to hide his morning erection.

That was exactly where Zac’s gaze landed. He dragged it back up to Bryce’s face and nodded.

“Yeah, okay. I’ll just. Um. Stay here.”

That made Bryce want to just get back in bed with him. He pulled his robe on to try and hide his dick, then he looked back to see Zac lying in his bed, dark and pretty against the sheets. God, Zac belonged right there. Bryce came back and leaned over to kiss him hard.

Zac leaned up on his elbow to press up into the kiss. He got a hand in Bryce’s hair and petted him a little, like he didn’t want the kisses to stop.

Bryce pulled away reluctantly and stroked Zac’s cheek. “I’ll be right back. You want me to make you coffee or anything? I could bring you breakfast.” It wasn’t like they could salvage the morning anyway.

“Gonna make me Eggos again?” Zac fell back into the pillows and smiled up at Bryce. “Or do you want me to see if we’ve got Toaster Strudels or something?”

“I can make things from scratch,” Bryce said, rolling his eyes. “I’ll get you Toaster Strudels, though. Dork. It’s not ‘breakfast in bed’ if you get up and ruin it.” He was keeping his voice low in case they weren’t alone in the house. “I’ll be back soon.” Zac laughed softly and dragged a blanket over himself. “Yeah, okay. I’ll be good. Toaster Strudels are yum.”

Bryce crept out and checked each room one at a time, finding the house empty. He put the coffee on and then dialed Coach’s cell number.
Damn
. He wasn’t looking forward to the phone call.

“McGill.” The voice on the other end of the line sounded distant, just like if Coach had been calling out while Bryce was in the water. Coach must have still been in the pool area; practice was still going on.

“Hey, Coach.” Bryce wanted to bang his head on the cupboard. “It’s Bryce. Wanted to apologize for not making it today.” He wasn’t one to miss practice, ever; his dad didn’t take that kind of
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crap even when he was little, and Bryce would never hear the end of it now if he got kicked off the team for missing practices.
You don’t make it in this world if you don’t show up
.

“Are you sick?”

“No.” Bryce couldn’t lie. “Just had a shitty night’s sleep and couldn’t wake up this morning. I’m really sorry.” He leaned his forehead against the cupboards and sighed heavily.

“You’ll be doing extra laps tomorrow.” Coach McGill sounded worried, maybe because Bryce had never missed practice before. “If you need to talk, son, you know where my office is. Door’s always open.” And then, giving Bryce an out, he asked, “Do you know anything about Mitchell missing practice?”

“I usually kick him out of bed,” Bryce said, before he realized how it applied now. “So, that’s kind of my fault, too.” Then it all sank in and he wanted to die.
Oh, God
.

“I’ll make sure to talk to him about getting himself an alarm clock, if that’s the case. It’s his responsibility to get himself here on time.” Coach McGill didn’t sound angry, just matter-of-fact.

“Yessir.” Bryce tried not to bang his head on anything. “We’ll be there tomorrow, early, to make it up.” It would suck, but they’d manage.

“If you’re not, you’re staying after to do double the extra laps.” Coach McGill didn’t wait for Bryce’s response. There was a click, and then Bryce was alone on the line.

At least Coach wasn’t mad. Coach was good that way; Bryce had spent most of first year being totally confused about how little Coach ever yelled at anyone, especially him. Bryce put the strudels in the toaster and poured some orange juice. When the coffee maker was done, he fixed their coffee and put everything on the tray to take it up to Zac. Missing practice sucked, but it was worth it, once, for this.

Upstairs, Zac was still in bed. He’d rolled onto his belly, and the blanket had slipped down around his hips. His arms were wrapped around Bryce’s pillow and his face was turned toward the door, like he’d been watching for Bryce, but his eyes were closed.

Bryce closed the door quietly and put the tray down on the table. Then he knelt down by the bed.

Zac was so beautiful. It wasn’t a woman’s beauty; Zac was very masculine, but he was still beautiful. That was the only word Bryce had that fit. It applied to guys just fine. Bryce leaned in and pressed a tender kiss to Zac’s cheek.

Zac smiled in his sleep, and then started to wake again. He blinked lazily at Bryce. “Hey. Sorry. I meant to stay awake.” He leaned in and caught Bryce’s mouth in a light kiss, just as tender as the one Bryce had pressed to his cheek.

“I don’t mind.” Bryce felt melted inside. “I got to see you sleeping in my bed,” he said softly. He kissed Zac again, smiling. He’d forgotten about anything else, even what a loser he could be.

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“You could come back to bed, too,” Zac suggested, looking more than a little hopeful. “But you gotta at least take the robe off.”

Bryce stood up and slid the robe off so he could hang it up. He turned back to Zac and hooked his thumbs in his boxers, giving Zac a quizzical look. He wasn’t sure what was okay here. Girls sometimes preferred a guy to keep the boxers on. But he wanted to be naked with his boyfriend.

His boyfriend. Bryce was getting to be okay with that, even to love it. It was so amazing to think it and not be scared or mad about it. And that was all because of Zac being Zac.

Zac smiled like Bryce was offering him something really good. “Yes, please.” He rolled onto his back, drawing the blankets back so there would be room for Bryce to slip in underneath.

“Especially if I get to play with what’s under there.”

“All yours.” Bryce slid his boxers off and left them by the bed where they fell. He crawled in and over Zac, kissing him passionately, just because he was so happy he couldn’t contain it. God, everything was easier with Zac -- comfortable and happy and sexy all at once.

Zac seemed to like that a lot. He made a pleased sound and tangled a hand in Bryce’s hair, kissing him back just as fiercely. His other hand slid down Bryce’s back and curled around his hip, holding on.

“I like being with you,” Bryce whispered between kisses. “Being your boyfriend.” He kissed Zac hard. “Being
yours
.” He was. He knew it was a soppy, loser-ish sentiment, but he couldn’t help it. His chest was going to crack if Zac didn’t know.

“I like being your boyfriend, too.” Zac kissed away from Bryce’s mouth, down to the side of his neck, mouthing at the spot behind Bryce’s ear. “I don’t really date much, you know? But. I like being with you.”

“I’m glad.” Bryce was achingly glad of it. “God, Zac. You make me feel so good.” He pulled away to look down at Zac, not trying to hide how he was feeling. “I’m glad we missed practice.” Zac bit his lip, and then he nodded. “Me, too. It was worth it.” He kissed Bryce again. “What’d Coach say? Was he mad when you called?”

“Worried about me.” Bryce sat back on his heels, picked up Zac’s coffee, and offered it to him.

“Said I could come talk to him if there was something wrong. Said you need to get an alarm clock.”

Zac laughed and took the coffee. “He’s probably right. I mean, I’ve got one, but I always sleep through it. Maybe I should find one that actually wakes me up.” Not that that had been the problem this morning, but it was every other morning.

“We could get you that one on wheels that takes off and runs around the room.” Bryce shifted to sit beside Zac, facing him, and put the tray with their breakfast on the mattress between them. If
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Zac slept with him, he’d make sure Zac got to practice on time, but that wasn’t an option.

Sleeping together that much wasn’t smart, and people really
would
think something was up if Zac kept making it to practice on time like Bryce did.

Zac picked up a Toaster Strudel, took a bite, and then took a sip of coffee. “Maybe that’d work.

I’d at least have to get out of bed to turn it off...”

More and more, Bryce found himself struggling to remember why they were keeping this secret.

“I like the idea of you running around first thing in the morning,” he teased.

Then Bryce remembered his family and reality came crashing back in. Right, that was why.

Being disowned would be a disaster; he was going to lose his whole family if he came out about him and Zac. Him and anyone who wasn’t a nice girl. He was already taking his chances with refusing to move out. How much more was he going to push it? Now wasn’t the time to decide.

Lost in his thoughts and staring into his coffee, he lost track of what Zac was saying.

“Hey.” Zac nudged him with one foot. “You okay?”

“Oh.” Bryce almost spilled coffee on himself. “Yeah.” He shrugged and gave Zac a smile. “Just thinking. Sorry.” He felt sadder than he had a month ago, but so much better. Less of a failure.

Less scared, but with more to lose. How that could happen was beyond him.

“I’m naked in your bed, and you made me breakfast,” Zac pointed out. “Now is not the time to be introspective or mopey unless you’re going to tell me what’s up.” He put on a little pout, batting his long, pretty eyelashes.

“Just remembering why we don’t tell anyone about us, that’s all. I mean, aside from me being fucked up.” Bryce took a drink of coffee to cover the tightness in his throat.

It hurt. Even if he wanted to come out, he couldn’t. Not until he was ready to give up his family.

Fucked up as they were, they were still his family. And Zac. It felt like he was saying Zac wasn’t worth it. How was he supposed to compare?

“Oh.” Zac looked away, taking a slow bite of his breakfast before continuing. “There’s... I mean, there are some people it would be safe to tell, you know. People who wouldn’t tell anyone else, I mean.”

“I hate the feeling I got when Coach was asking where you were and why you weren’t at practice. I could have just said, ‘We slept in,’ to begin with. But I didn’t. I couldn’t. And I’m sorry.” Bryce was so honest it made him want to bang his own head on the wall. Instead, he made himself look at Zac.

“You could... I mean. I don’t think he’d say anything, if you asked him not to, you know? And even if you didn’t want to tell him about that, you could maybe talk to Coach about your dad and that article in
Game On
and the house and stuff. He’s a good guy, you know?” Zac looked so serious, and maybe even a little worried about him.

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“I could.” Bryce was worried about himself as soon as he said it. He’d never realized how much his dad stressed him out before, how it felt like carrying a bag of bricks around on his back.

“Anyway, sorry.” He mustered up a smile. Zac was... Bryce didn’t deserve Zac. Wonderful.

That’s what Zac was.

Zac shook his head and smiled, then leaned all the way over to kiss Bryce on the mouth, just lightly. “Don’t be. It’s okay. You should eat, though.” He made a threatening motion toward Bryce’s strudel. “Or I might do it for you.”

Bryce leaned in and kissed him back, ignoring the threat, kissing him tenderly and chastely and trying to pour his feelings into Zac that way. He wasn’t even sure of the words for it. All he knew was that his heart was too big for his chest sometimes. When he pulled back, Zac was smiling like Bryce had done something pretty damn good. Sweet and soft and just
happy
.

“You really should eat,” Zac said. “But when you’re done, you could maybe do that again.”

“I could.” The look on Zac’s face made Bryce feel better. He turned his attention to eating.

Breakfast wasn’t bad at all, and the sun was warm on his back.

Zac ate, too, and drank his coffee. When he was done, he piled everything up on the tray and rolled onto his back with his head at the foot of the bed, basking in the sun and waiting for Bryce to finish.

When Bryce finished, he put the tray up on the pillows and lay down next to Zac, propped up on one elbow. He was full of wonderment that this was so good, that he could have all the closeness that he felt with his friend and all the trust and that they were lovers as well. It was, he realized now, not because Zac was a guy that he was feeling so close, but because he’d known and trusted Zac so long.

For the first time ever, he felt really
lucky
to be gay or bi or whatever the hell he was. It didn’t matter what the word was. He just felt so lucky to get to have all this wrapped up in one person.

The thought made him smile.

Zac smiled back at him, and reached up to touch his cheek. “I know we’re guys and, like, we’re not supposed to talk about this shit, but... You’re okay with last night, right? It wasn’t a colossal fuckup on my part, pushing you too far, too fast?”

“Last night was good.” Bryce felt a little wave of nervousness. “I mean, as long as you were okay with all of it.” Including him being a loser about it being all special. Sometimes, he embarrassed himself so much and he still couldn’t let it go. He gave Zac another smile. “You didn’t push me. I think I remember asking.”

“Yeah, but.” Zac shrugged, biting his lip. “I don’t wanna make you feel like you gotta do anything.” He shook his head, like he was shaking off his worry, and then he was smiling again.

“And, yeah, I was okay with all of it. It was good. Really good.”
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“You don’t. Zac.” Bryce stroked his cheek and kissed his forehead. “I wanted that so much. I want
you
.” He couldn’t help being soppy where Zac was concerned; he was just going to have to accept that. Zac knew him and hadn’t dumped him yet. He took a breath and plunged onward.

“I’m freaked out,” he admitted. “I have no fucking idea what to do about any of this. Half the time lately, I want to bang my head into something to stop feeling so shitty, and the rest of the time, I’m stupid from being happy. Careless. I feel like a big fucking loser, too. Last night didn’t make it worse. I already came to terms with this, I think, at least enough for now. It’s still hard, but not because of us fucking. Does that make things worse?” Yeah, hitting his head on something sounded like a great plan.