becoming us (22 page)

and working out harder. Maybe now wasn’t the time to be avoiding beer, though. “Okay. I got the takeout menu in my room. You know what you want?” He led Bryce into the room and closed the door behind them.

“Anything.” Bryce nudged him up against the back of the door and kissed him, soft and needy.

His breathing was fast and uneven and he pushed his cold hands up under Zac’s shirt.

Oh
. Zac dropped his backpack on the floor and wrapped his arms around Bryce. He kissed Bryce slowly, trying to use the connection to soothe him. It worked, some. Bryce relaxed, but it was more like slowly falling apart; not in some terrible way, just all the stress seeping out of him.

It had to have been hard for him to talk to Coach, especially with how badly he’d reacted just to the phone call. “I told him,” Bryce whispered. His hands were shaking when he touched Zac’s chest. “About us.” His voice broke.

“Okay. I told you that you could. Coach is cool.” Coach McGill had known before the article had come out that Zac was queer. Zac had gone to talk to him about the article before the interview, even. It was kind of a relief to know that Coach knew about his relationship with Bryce now, too.

“I kept thinking what it was gonna be like being around him all the time and waiting for him to work it out, not looking at you, not touching you, not even a little, and not knowing what he was gonna do and I can’t do that, I can’t let it hang over my head, Zac.” The words spilled out of Bryce. “And I couldn’t... I just didn’t know what it was gonna be like, no one in the world knows but you, and I gotta look at every single person like ‘do they know?’ and ‘would they still talk to me if they knew?’ every day.” Bryce barely managed to stop for breath.

“And he just nodded like it made sense and that was really fucking scary because what if he can tell, Zac, what if it shows, and I felt really sick. But then when I was going, he hugged me, and I knew I never expected anyone but you to touch me ever again, but he did, and...” Bryce ran out of words and pushed his face into the curve of Zac’s neck, hiding.

Oh, Bryce
... “It’s okay, Bryce. Coach... he knows us.” That was all Zac could think to say. Coach had known both of them for three years now. They’d been best friends for three years. Coach knew that. “He’s known us for a while, you know. We’ve been friends a long time. And he’s a good guy. He’s cool. You saw him with Perry. He’s not going to treat you different just ‘cause you told him about us.”

Bryce nodded, just breathing now, like he was trying to keep calm. “Part of me wants to just tell my dad. Tell him and say, ‘Fuck you,’ and walk away.”

Zac just kept stroking Bryce’s hair. He remembered how terrifying it had been to tell his mom, and he’d never heard her say anything like the things Bryce had listened to his dad and his brothers say about gay people. “When you’re ready, Bryce.”
Becoming Us - 112

“I’m trying not to do it out of wanting to kick him in the ‘nads so hard, I get a black eye,” Bryce said dryly. “Oh, God, Zac. I just want to survive this stupid shit and be happy with you and, you know... be with you. Without any crap.”

“We’ll get there.” Zac wanted it, too. “It just... it’s not gonna be easy, that’s all.” Bryce moved to kiss Zac on the mouth, slow at first. He cupped Zac’s face in his hands and kissed him again and again, slow and sweet. “I’m still lucky,” he whispered. “I know it.”

“Me, too.” Zac kept his arms around Bryce’s waist and rubbed the small of Bryce’s back. “We’re gonna be fine.” He leaned up on his toes to get more kisses, angling his mouth against Bryce’s.

Bryce’s kisses were addictive.

Bryce was making little moans as he kissed Zac now, kissing him deeper and hungrier. “I want you,” he said, his voice rough with it. He kissed Zac hard and hungry. “I wanna be with you right now, Zac. Don’t care what we do. Wanna feel you.”

The change was so drastic, from the uncertain lover Bryce had been a few weeks ago, to now, when he was so sure of what he wanted and maybe that it was okay for him to have it. “Yeah.” Zac slid his hands down to Bryce’s ass, cupping it and drawing him closer, pressing himself against the door with Bryce’s body. “I want you, too.”

“I wanna feel it and not be scared of it,” Bryce said, and then he whimpered a little, grinding his hardening dick against Zac. “I wanna know it’s gonna be okay, Zac. I wanna know you want me, that it’s good for you.” He sounded like he was caught between begging and demanding, restless and needy.

Zac arched to pull his shirt off, then dropped it on the floor. “I do want you. God, Bryce, so much.” He reached behind himself to lock the door, then stripped off his jeans, too, letting them fall to the floor. His boxers went next, and then he was naked. Bryce was still dressed, but not for long. Zac immediately reached for the button on Bryce’s jeans. Bryce needed to be naked now, too.

“Yeah, like that.” Bryce pulled off his shirt and let Zac undo his jeans. “I want you like crazy.

You
make all this worth it.” Together, they got him undressed.

When Bryce was naked, too -- and, fuck, he was glorious like that -- Zac gave him another kiss, hot and slow, and then slipped away for lube and a condom. When he came back, Bryce was still standing there, and Zac got a good look at him from behind. Gorgeous. He leaned up on his toes and kissed Bryce’s shoulder, his hand going to rest on Bryce’s opposite hip.

“You look so good, I could just eat you up.”

Bryce looked over his shoulder and looked down at Zac. “You could do that, yeah.” He bit his lip and his eyes were dark with need. “What do you want? You can have anything.”
Becoming Us - 113

“I want you.” Zac knew better, by now, than to take that at face value. Bryce might have meant it, but that didn’t mean Bryce was ready for anything. He slipped around in front of Bryce and cupped Bryce’s cheek in his free hand. “Kiss me again.”

Bryce kissed him hard, pushing him back up the door. Bryce kissed like he meant it, like he wanted anything Zac would give him. It was so good, the way Bryce managed to be so big and powerful and protective without ever being domineering. He tangled his fingers in Bryce’s hair and kissed him back, moaning.

“Tell me what you want,” Bryce whispered, and slid his leg between Zac’s thighs. He ducked his head and bit Zac on the neck, sucking lightly.

Zac wanted all kinds of things. He wanted to suck Bryce off and kiss him all over and fuck him through the floor. He wanted to turn around and feel Bryce push into him, too. That was the option he chose. “Fuck me. I want you to fuck me again.” Bryce groaned against Zac’s skin. “Yeah. I wanna fuck you, Zac. So much.” He slid a hand down to tease his fingers in between Zac’s ass cheeks even as he was kissing up to Zac’s ear.

“Wanna be in you, Zac. Wanna make you fight to stay quiet when I fuck you. I like fucking you.

Gotta practice.” His fingers got in and stroked Zac’s hole. “Gotta make you happy; you make me so happy.”

“Bryce...” Bryce didn’t need to worry about practicing, or about making Zac happy. He was already doing that in spades. “God, Bryce.” He just couldn’t think of the words to say it, not when Bryce was touching him like that.

“Lube...” Bryce fumbled to take it away from Zac. “You feel so good. Love touching you,” he muttered between kisses. “Never thought I’d like it. Never thought I’d think what you make me think.”

“Someday, when you’re ready, I’m gonna show you what it feels like. How good it is.” Zac gave up the lube, but held onto the condom, kissing Bryce fiercely.

“You...” That derailed Bryce and he stepped back, mishandling the lube so that the lid went one way and the bottle went the other. “I...” He looked totally thrown.

Shit
. “Bryce...” Zac bit his lip and tentatively pressed his hand to Bryce’s bare chest. “I didn’t mean now. We don’t have to. Not ever, not if you don’t want to. I just...”

“You want to?” Bryce backed up and bumped into Zac’s bed, sitting down before he fell over.

“With me?” He crossed his arms in his lap, looking anxious.

Zac had no idea what the right answer was, here. He stayed by the door, giving Bryce some space. “Only if you want to. I mean. I want
you
, Bryce. However I can have you. But... do I like that? Do I think I’d like it with you? Yeah. But only if you wanted it.” Honesty was good, so was space.

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Bryce looked lost, wide-eyed and vulnerable. “I just... I never. Never thought about... that you...” He bit his lip, trying to put it together in his head. “You know. Would want that with me.” He looked like someone had cut his strings, so uncertain so suddenly.

Zac double-checked that the door was locked, then grabbed his robe and came to sit on the bed beside Bryce. “Should I not?” That didn’t come out right. “I mean...”

“No, I just. I never thought about it... that way.” Bryce looked really upset, but Zac thought he might just be mad at himself as usual. “I guess. God, I think about sex with you a lot, but I try not to think about it... out of context. Or something.”

“Out of context?” Zac wasn’t sure what that meant. He hoped it didn’t mean Bryce had been thinking as long as he was the one doing the fucking, he wasn’t really queer. Zac didn’t want to go there, didn’t want to deal with that, because there was no good way to fix things if that was where Bryce’s head was. He took a deep breath and touched Bryce’s shoulder, trying not to make things worse by being too close, but he didn’t want to make Bryce feel like Zac didn’t want to touch him, either.

“I try not to think about...” Bryce took a slow breath. Naked and miserable, he could look pretty small for a big man. “All the stuff that used to be in my head when I was younger. Stuff I was scared of; what I was scared of being. Of being
done
to me. I try not to think of that. And us. At the same time.” He looked over at Zac, guilty and sad. “I just... I wasn’t expecting those brain pictures just now. Y’know?”

Oh
. Now Zac felt guilty. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know it scared you like that. I just... You make me feel so good when you fuck me, you know? And so I just... wanted to let you know that I want to make you feel that good, too.”

“I know.” Bryce stared down at his knees. “That’s what makes it worse. I want to be able to do
anything
with you, Zac. Everything. I’m not scared of it; I’m scared of me. When I’m not careful, what I have with you just... it gets dirty in my head.” His voice broke and he shivered.

“Ruined. I was just already feeling... wrong... ‘cause of telling Coach. Kinda naked and dirty.

You saying it was a surprise, that’s all. You know?”

Zac nodded, even though he wasn’t sure what he knew. All the things he didn’t know left a sick feeling in his stomach, but he swallowed it down to deal with Bryce, instead. “You wanna maybe tell me some of the stuff that’s freaking you out? So I can, you know, not freak you out on accident.” He shuffled closer and Bryce slid an arm around him.

“The idea of you fucking me doesn’t freak me out.” Bryce leaned his head on Zac’s shoulder and sighed. “It’s just... when I already feel bad, and I think of wanting it, something in me starts flipping out, because I’ve been scared of it so long. I know sex is a
good
thing. God, I think you are the hottest thing in the world when you want it.” His voice broke again. “I wanna give everything to you, I want you to get to have all of me. And all I can think is I’m never gonna get to ‘cause I can’t stop from feeling so bad.”

Becoming Us - 115

Oh
. That sounded... well. Better and worse than Zac had expected. “We’ll figure something out.” He tried to sound more certain of that than he really was.

“We will. I know we will.” Bryce sounded hurt, but there was a surprising note of conviction in his voice. “I love you, Zac.” He said it so easily, like it was stating the obvious.

Zac would never have said it first, but only because he didn’t want to pressure Bryce while Bryce was dealing with so much other crap; he’d thrown out the idea of expecting to hear it, too. But he felt it. They’d been friends for so long, it had been an easy transition from Bryce being his best friend to Bryce being the man he was in love with.

“I love you, too, Bryce.”

Bryce lifted his head to look Zac in the eyes. “I am
so
sorry I’m a freak, Zac. I don’t ever want you to think I really think anything bad about us, okay? I think you’re the best person in the whole world.” His expression was so serious and sad and loving.

“You aren’t a freak, man.” Zac didn’t know how to get him to stop saying that. “You’re just...

dealing with a lot of shit.” He leaned in and pressed a light kiss to Bryce’s cheek -- he wasn’t sure if anything more than that would be safe. “Maybe sometime, you’ll let me touch you a little

-- just touching, nothing inside -- and we’ll see if you like that. We can take it slow. If we never do it, it’ll still be okay.”

Even that made Bryce shiver, but he nodded. “Okay.” He kissed Zac back, but on the lips this time. He cupped Zac’s cheek in his hand and his tongue snuck out to brush Zac’s lower lip.

“God. I love you, Zac,” he breathed, like it was just hitting him that he’d actually said it.

“I love you, too.” Zac smiled against Bryce’s lips, and then kissed him again, slow and soft.

Bryce slid a hand under Zac’s robe to touch skin and yielded to the kiss for a long time. “I still want you,” he said at last, with a catch in his voice. He stroked Zac’s head and the back of his neck, and gave him little kisses while he spoke, his voice low and aching. “I want to be naked in bed with you, in your arms, Zac. I want to make love to you. I want to lie with you and know that’s where I’m supposed to be.”

Zac loved hearing Bryce talk like that. It made it seem like, someday, Bryce might really be okay with all of this. “I want that, too.” Zac shrugged out of the robe and let it fall to the bed. “Let me go get the lube and stuff.”

“Okay.” Bryce pulled away and let him go. While Zac was picking up the scattered lube bottle and lid and putting them back together, Bryce pushed back the covers of Zac’s bed and lay down, half-curled on his side, waiting for Zac to come back to him. When Zac turned around, Bryce shifted enough that he could hold his arms out to Zac. Zac slipped back into bed and rolled over to press himself up against Bryce. Bryce was so warm and so big, especially compared to Zac.