Beauty for ashes: receiving emotional healing (13 page)

Since people who fear rejection do not believe that they are lovable in themselves, often they will use the world's standards (money, status, clothes, natural talents, etc.) to prove to themselves and others that they are valuable. They live a life of misery, always trying to prove that they have worth and value.

No matter how much outward success a person may enjoy, he is not truly successful unless he knows who he is in Christ. Philippians 3:3 exhorts us to "exultandgloryandpride ourselves in Jesus Christ, and put no confidenceordependence [on what we are] in the fleshandon outward privilegesandphysical advantagesandexternal appearances." It is important to remember that appearance is only the way we look, not the way we really are.

A person who is rejection-based is unable to receive love even when it is being freely offered to him. If he is able to accept love at all, it is only when he believes that he has earned it by behaving perfectly.

109

I remember a woman who once worked for my husband and me. She had grown up in an atmosphere of performance- based acceptance. When she did well in school, her father showed her love; when she did not do as well as he expected, he withheld his love from her. He behaved this way not only with his daughter but with other family members as well; therefore she learned that love was given as a reward for perfect performance and withheld as punishment for mistakes.Like most people, she grew up not even realizing that her feelings and belief systems were in error. She assumed that all relationships were handled in this same way. Since she was an employee of our ministry, there were occasions when I would ask her how her work was progressing, if she had everything caught up, or if there was any job that she had been given that she was unable to get finished.

I began to notice that whenever I inquired about anything that this woman had not yet completed, she would begin to act very strangely. She would withdraw from me, avoid talking with me, and appear to work at a frenzied pace-all of which made me feel uncomfortable. Actually, I feltrejected.

I knew that as her employer I was entitled to the privilege of asking about her workload without having to go through a traumatic ordeal each time. So I finally confronted her about the situation, which only caused our relationship to become more strained and confused. It was obvious that neither of us really understood the root of the problem.

This was a woman who truly loved the Lord. She was intensely serious about her relationship with Him, so the situation provoked her to pray and ask God for some answers about her behavior. Too often we blame our bad behavior on someone else instead of seeking the Lord to get to the root of the problem so we can be set free.

The woman received a revelation from God that changed her entire life. The Lord showed her that because her father

110

had rejected her when she did not perform perfectly, she mistakenly believed that everyone else was the same way. If any of her work was not fully completed by the time I inquired about it, she was convinced that I was rejecting her because I no longer loved her; therefore she withdrew from me. Ihad not stoppedloving her,butshehad stopped receiving my love,and so I too ended up feeling rejected.We often do this same thing with the Lord. His love for us is not based on anything we do or do not do. In Romans 5:8, Paul tells us that God loved us when we were still in sin; that is, when we did not know Him at all-or even care.

God's love is always flowing to all those who will receive it. But like this employee who could not receive my love, often we reject God's love when we feel that we do not deserve it because our performance is less than perfect.

Fear of Being Rejected Causes Rejection of Others

If you cannot believe that you are basically a lovable, valuable person, you will be unable to trust others who claim they love you. If you believe that you must be perfect to be worthy of love and acceptance, then you are a candidate for a miserable life, because you will never be perfect as long as you are in an earthly body.

You may have a perfect heart, in that your desire is to please God in all things, but your performance will not match your heart's desire until you get to heaven. You can improve all the time and keep pressing toward the mark of perfection, butyou willalwaysneed Jesus as long as you are here on this earth.There will never come a time when you will not need His forgiveness and His cleansing blood.

Unless you accept your value and worth by faith through

111

Christ, you will always be insecure and unable to trust those who want to love you. People who have no capacity to trust suspect the motives of others. I know this is true because I had a real problem in this area. Even when other people told me they loved me, I was always waiting for them to hurt me, disappoint me, fail me, or abuse me. I figured that they must be after something; otherwise, they would not be nice to me. I just could not believe that anyone would want me just for myself. There had to be some other reason!I felt so bad about myself, was so full of shame, condemnation, self-hatred, and self-rejection, that whenever anyone tried to show me love and acceptance, I thought to myself, Well,if this person likes me now, he won't when he gets to know the real me.Therefore I would notreceivelove from other people, or from God. I deflected it by my behavior, which became more and more obnoxious as I set out to prove to everyone that I was as unlovable as I believed myself to be.

Whatever you believe about yourself on the inside is what you will manifest on the outside. If you feel unlovely and unlovable, that is how you will behave. In my case, I believed that I was not lovable, so that is how I acted. I was very difficult to get along with. I believed that other people would eventually reject me, and so they usually did. Because my attitude was manifested in my actions, I could not sustain healthy, loving, lasting relationships.

The "Prove-You-Love-Me" Syndrome

Whenever anyone did try to love me, I heaped great pressure on that person to prove it to me-continually! I needed a fresh fix of positive "strokes" every day just to maintain a good feeling about myself. I had to constantly be complimented about

112

everything I did; otherwise, I felt rejected. If I did not receive the reinforcement I craved, then I felt unloved.I also had to have my way about everything. As long as other people agreed with me and gave in to my desires, I felt good about myself. However, if anyone disagreed with me or denied my requests, even to the slightest degree, it prompted an emotional reaction causing me to feel rejected and unloved.

I placed impossible demands on those who did love me. I frustrated them. I was never satisfied with what they were giving me. I could not allow them to be honest with me or to confront me. My entire focus was on me, and I expected everyone else's focus to be on me also. I was actually looking to people for my sense of self-worth, which is something that only God can give.

I have since learned that my sense of worth and value are in Christ, and not in things or other people. Until I learned that truth, however, I was very unhappy and totally incapable of maintaining healthy relationships.

Receiving the love of God is a key factor in emotional healing, as I mentioned in an earlier chapter. Once a person genuinely comes to believe that God, Who is perfect, loves him in his imperfection, then he can begin to believe that other people might love him also. Trust begins to develop, and he is able to accept the love that is being offered to him.

Since I have believed and received God's love for me, my most basic needs for love and a sense of self-worth have been met. I no longer require other people to keep me "fixed" all the time, that is, feeling secure about myself. Like everyone else, I do have needs that I want people to meet; we all need encouragement, exhortation, and edification. But now there is no need to look to other people for affirmation of my value.

Now if my husband fails to compliment me on something I have done, I may be disappointed-but not devastated-because I know that I have value apart from what I do. Everyone

113

likes to be recognized and complimented on what he does, but it is wonderful to be able to keep from falling apart if I do not receive that recognition and those compliments!Once I learned that my value and worth are not in what I do, but in who I am in Christ, I no longer feel that I have to perform for people. I have decided that either they will or will not love me for who I am. Either way, I am secure knowing that God still loves me.

It is important to be loved for who we are and not for what we do. When we know that we have value in our identity rather than in our performance or behavior, we are able to get our minds off what others are thinking about us all the time. We can focus on them and their needs, instead of expecting their focus to be continually on us and our needs. This is the basis of healthy, loving, and lasting relationships.

114

13Confidence Be Yourself

Confidencehas been defined as the quality of assurance that leads one to undertake something; the belief that one is able and acceptable; the certainty that causes one to be bold, open, and plain. If you think about this threefold definition, you will see why the devil attacks anyone who shows any degree of confidence.

People who have been abused, rejected, or abandoned usually lack confidence. As we have already mentioned in previous chapters, such individuals are shame-based and guilt-ridden and have a poor self-image.

The devil begins his assault on personal confidence whenever and wherever he can find an opening, especially during the vulnerable years of childhood. Even while a child is still in the womb, the devil initiates his ultimate goal of total destruction of that person. The reason is simple: An individual without confidence will never step out to do anything edifying to

115

the kingdom of God or anything detrimental to Satan's kingdom, and therefore will never fulfill the plan of God for his life.Expected Failure + Fear of Failure = Failure

Satan does not want you to fulfill God's plan for your life because he knows that you are part of his ultimate defeat. If he can make you think and believe that you are incapable, then you will not even try to accomplish anything worthwhile. Even if you do make an effort, your fear of failure will seal your defeat, which, because of your lack of confidence, you probably expected from the beginning. This is what is often referred to as the "Failure Syndrome."

No matter how many wonderful plans God has in mind for you, there is one thing you must know: God'sability to bring His will to pass in your life is determined by your faith in Him and in His Word.If you truly want to be happy and successful, then you must begin to believe that God has a plan for your life and that He will cause good things to happen to you as you put your trust in Him.

The devil wants you and me to feel so bad about ourselves that we have no confidence in ourselves. But here is the good news:We do not need confidence in ourselves-weneed confidence in Jesus!

I have confidence in myself only because I know that Christ is in me, ever present and ready to help me with everything that I attempt to do for Him. A believer without confidence is like a jumbo jet parked on the runway with no fuel; it looks good on the outside, but has no power on the inside. With Jesus inside us, we have the power to do what we could never do on our own.

Jesus died for our weaknesses and inabilities, and He is

116

willing to impart to us His strength and ability as we place our confidence (our faith) in Him. In John 15:5, He teaches us this important principle: "Apart from Me [cut off from vital union with Me] you can do nothing."Once you learn this truth, when the devil lies and says, "You can't do anything right," your response to him can be, "Perhaps not, but Jesus in me can; and He will, because I am relying on Him, and not on myself. He will cause me to succeed in everything that I put my hand to" (see Joshua 1:7).

Or should the enemy say to you, "You're not able to do this, so don't even try, because you will only fail again, just as you have in the past," your response can be, "It is true that without Jesus, I am not able to do one single thing; but with Him and in Him I can do all that I need to do" (see Philippians 4:13).

Whenever the devil reminds you of your past, remind him of his future. If you read the Bible all the way through to the end, you will see that the devil's future is very bleak. Actually, he is already a defeated foe. It is written in Colossians 2:15, "[God] disarmed the principalities and powers that were ranged against us and made a bold displayandpublic example of them, in triumphing over them in Him [Christ]andin it [the cross]" (emphasis mine).

You can resist the devil's temptation to live in fear and regret, because Jesus triumphed over his plans, and made a public display of his disgrace in the spirit realm. Satan is operating on borrowed time, and he knows it better than anybody (see Revelation 12:12). The only power he has to use against us is what we give him by believing his lies.

Always remember: The devil isa liar!

Speaking of Satan, Jesus said, "He was a murderer from the beginning and does not stand in the truth, because there is no truth in him. When he speaks a falsehood, he speaks what is natural to him, for he is a liar [himself] and the father of liesandof all that is false" (John 8:44).

117

The Lie about Self-ConfidenceEveryone talks about self-confidence. All kinds of seminars are available on confidence, both in the secular world and the church world. Confidence is generally referred to as "self- confidence" because we all know that we need to feel good about ourselves if we are ever to accomplish anything in life. We have been taught that all people have a basic need to believe in themselves. However, that is a misconception.