Beautifully Awake (27 page)

Chase ran his warm fingers under my puffy lids, wiping away the last of my tears. His touch calmed me from the inside out. Our eyes locked, and suddenly, the last thing I ever wanted to do again was run. I had been running away for three years. Shit, I’d been
sleep
running if such a thing existed. After that bastard violated me, I tucked my heart and soul to bed and ran away from any place or anyone that threatened to wake that part of me up. Until this beautiful man panting in front of me charged into my life.

“I don’t want to run anymore, I’m just so tired of
sleep
running.” It was all I could say. It was true. I was tired of running. Tired. I wanted to stop. I wanted to stay awake. I didn’t want to run away from any more of my life. I just wanted to feel. If that meant not always feeling happy, not always feeling comfortable, if it meant suffering through times of worry, times that made me scared, times of sadness and heartache, then I was in. I wanted
all
in. If love was my only constant, then nothing else mattered.

“I want you to be my constant. When I open my eyes in the morning I never ever want to wonder where you are, if you ran away from us. The thought that I was the reason for your nightmare this morning scared the shit out of me. You’ve been through so much, and I’m so scared that our combined heartaches are just going to be too much.”

“Baby…”

I hushed him because he needed to hear me out.

“Until I met you, Chase, I was drifting in a sea of nothing. I walked around in a world of grey. I literally built a shield, blocking out every penetrable emotion. I didn’t let anything through. And then you came along and crumbled my wall.”

“Baby, first of all, you did not cause my nightmare. I’ve had them for years, but less frequently lately. They’re the reason I never slept with a woman ... before you.” My eyes widened. Confused. “Not that you want to hear this and not that I’m proud of it, but I’ve never been one to share my bed, uh-um, after ... until I met you. Now I can’t imagine sleeping without you tucked by my side. But maybe you’re right, maybe me telling you about Kimi brought shit back to the surface. I’m so sorry I scared you, but what scared me more was you running out the door. So sitting here listening to you tell me you don’t want to run anymore, you don’t want to sleep run, fuck, Blue, you just made me the happiest man alive.” He tenderly ran his hand down my cheeks and tucked the loose strands that fell from my ponytail behind my ears.

“Just promise me you won’t walk away again. I’m tired of living my life like a bad movie. I don’t want anymore pauses ... no more rewinds. I want our life to play out live. You woke me up, Chase. You brought color back to my life. The only time I ever want to see grey again is when I’m looking in your eyes.”

His tender lips claimed mine as he leaned me back onto the sand. “I’m not going anywhere, baby. I want you awake and I definitely want our life playing out live because I don’t want to miss a fucking second of it.”

The last layer of my barrier evaporated into thin air. I closed my eyes and saw nothing but bright vibrant colors. I gripped him tighter. If I could have climbed inside him I would have. I wanted this, I wanted all in, even the fucked up parts.

I winced when Chase finally let go of me, wanting the moment to never end. “Come on we have a baby shower to get ready for. I don’t think getting you there late will score me any points with your best friend.”

“You’re probably right, but you could score some serious points with me,” I said suggestively.

Chase responded with a smile that reached his eyes. “Mmm. I missed that sassy little mouth.” His lips brushed the tip of my nose. “Hop on, sweetness.” He motioned for me to jump on his back.

“You can’t be serious? You can’t carry me all the way back.”

“First of all, you just sprinted a half marathon. I found you rubbing your calf like a banshee. You’re not walking back. Second. Yes, I can.”

You’d think I would have learned by now.

T
he baby shower was ... a baby shower. No matter how you dressed it up, changed the location or added testosterone to the guest list, showers were showers. But Sierra looked radiantly happy rocking her mini black and pink paisley halter sundress that boasted a neckline that plunged to meet the empire waist, accentuating her girls, as she liked to call them these days. She even insisted on keeping with the theme and highlighted her short pixie haircut with chunky pink streaks. But my personal favorite was her skinny little feet in
my
four-inch camel colored Louboutins. Probably the first time in our friendship, Sierra asked to borrow something out of my closet. She made eight months of pregnancy look glamorous, and Dodd, her husband of two years couldn’t keep his eyes off her. Adoration consumed his gaze, like she was the most beautiful woman in the world, and he was proud that she was going to be the mother of his children. No one deserved it more.

She opened gift, after gift, after gift—all varying shades of pink everything. I wondered what my life would have been like if I hadn’t miscarried. He or she would have been almost three. The image of a little one tearing the tantalizing Dylan’s candy centerpieces off the tables and trying to bury his or her wet body in the sand clouded my mind. I made a point over the years, to not let those thoughts linger. What-ifs were pointless.

The
Jack
in Jack & Jill added a welcomed shower dynamic. The women were complacent to the same old shower traditions of oohing and aahing. But let’s be honest, a onesie was a onesie. And the guys called it like they saw it with plenty of alcohol to back their comments. At one point, Jackson had the room in tears when he heckled Dodd to try on one of those ruffled baby bloomers bedazzled in pink sequin letters, that read ‘spoil me.’ Dodd, who was pretty reserved and usually let Sierra steal the limelight, had his fair share of yummy champagne because he had no problem playing along. Of course Sierra, being Sierra, couldn’t let the opportunity pass. So while Dodd strutted his stuff, wearing a bedazzled baby bloomer over his shorts (how the hell it stretched, I’m still not sure), Sierra playfully got on her knees and lasciviously waved her finger and suggestively winked at her husband. Yes, her mother and grandmother were in the room, their faces blending into the crimson tablecloths. I almost peed my pants. Literally. Good thing I had Kegel power. Otherwise I would have looked like I broke my water. My crotchless panties would have held in nothing.

There were also a few touching moments as well. Jackson and the boys over-exaggerated their “ahhhs” just in time to keep the mood from getting too serious. Sierra teared up reading my card to my unborn honorary niece that accompanied a wardrobe of purple and red. I was over the pink the day after Sierra found out she was having a girl.

There wasn’t a dry eye in the room when Sierra’s mom toasted to her daughter in a beautifully written letter emphasizing that having a child defined her happiness and wished that for Sierra. Along with a trust covering college and grad school—just in case.

But my eyes were probably the only ones that welled when Chase pulled a gift out of thin air. I should have been surprised, since he only found out about the shower the prior morning. But then again—Chase was Chase. It wasn’t the gift that touched me, not that a year of unlimited spa services for a new mom was anything to poopoo. But it was the why. Chase made light of his generosity, toasting, “A happy mama makes a happy wife ... makes a happy husband.” Then he whispered in my ear, “A happy Sierra makes for a happy Blue. Things are probably going to change once the baby comes. Sierra’s probably not going to have as much time. I got you a matching package, so at least you can count on some quality girl time. A happy Blue makes a happy Chase.” His thoughtfulness leveled me.

After the baby shower, everyone disbanded to do their own thing for a few hours. Sierra needed a nap. Jackson and Leanne decided to squeeze in a seal watching tour. And Kate and the girls opted for shopping in Chatham, only after a twenty-minute heated phone conversation with CJ, who, from what I gathered, accused her of wanting to “play for the other team” since she was sharing a room with one of the other nurses from the hospital. Yeah ... he was a loose cannon looking for any reason to start drama. How she was so blind, was beyond me. I left it alone. It wasn’t the time or the place.

“Walk with me.” My fingers interlaced perfectly into Chase’s outstretched hand.

I’ll go anywhere with you.
My words were silent, but my eyes screamed it.

“Where to, Dr. Generous?” I hoped he knew how moved I was by his olive branch to my best friend.

He lifted our joined hands to his mouth and brushed a soft kiss on the inside of my wrist. “I meant it. I want you and Sierra to have that time together. You need it. But right now, the last thing I’m feeling is generous. If you don’t mind, I’m done sharing you for now.”

“Then I’m all yours,” I whispered.

We took our time strolling down the beach, with our shoes in hand. Even though it was midday and the sun was strong, you could always count on the crisp breeze coming off the Sound. With our fingers entwined, we walked to the water’s edge and sat in the sand, a few feet from where the powdery beige sand turned soggy. Chase was made for the beach, especially dressed in khaki linen pants and a white linen button down. The entire female race would have appreciated if he replaced every article of clothing in his closet to sport his beach attire.

I chuckled, thinking of how every woman at the baby shower took turns ogling the man standing next to me. Hell, even Sierra’s grandma pulled me aside to tell me she finally figured out the expression: “He hurts my eyes, he’s so attractive.”

We squished our bare feet deep in the dark wet sand while we silently watched the paddle boarders in the distance. The beach was otherwise empty in the late afternoon. As happy as I was for Sierra and for Chase being with me, there was still a looming melancholy in the air.

“Tell me about the baby?” Chase asked. Before I concocted a bullshit response, Chase landed a blow on my heart. “Your baby.”

No one had ever really asked about my miscarriage. Ever. When I said no one, I meant my Dad or Sierra. They steered clear of any and all topics baby related, until Sierra’s pregnancy, of course.

“I wanted him or her,” I spoke the truth.

It felt good to finally say it out loud, to finally admit it. I stared at the rolling waves, my safe haven, and kept talking. “I know it sounds crazy, but I never lumped the rape and getting pregnant together. I never even struggled with the decision. I was keeping the pregnancy. It was
my
baby—conceived from a nightmare, but still
my
baby. I wasn’t going to hold the sins of a worthless man against an innocent child. That’s why I pressed charges, even though I knew I couldn’t win. But I needed to try. To do anything to make sure that bastard could never come near us, never have any claim to my baby.” I angled myself closer to him and watched the questions scroll across his eyes.

“I’m not judging. Fuck knows I’m in no place to judge anyone. But why did you wait to press charges? Why’d you think you would lose?”

“I’m a social worker, for god’s sake. I know how the system works. There was no physical evidence. I screwed up. I was in shock and humiliated. All I wanted to do was forget, block out the world. I showered for so long that night, the water was colder than this ocean.” I kicked at the wave rolling over my toes. “I knew better, but I did it anyway. I literally scrubbed the evidence away. On top of that, I stupidly forgot to lock the front door that night. No forced entry. It was my word against his. No witnesses. Everyone knew he was my ex, who I had willingly been intimate with for years. And after the little scene he made the night before in the bar, making it look like he broke up with me ... it would have taken a defense attorney all of two seconds to establish reasonable doubt. Hell, you were there. You saw the faces of those jurors in court that day. They all believed I cried rape.”

“I didn’t.” The words rolled off his tongue without hesitation, while his eyes told me he meant it. He believed me.

“When I found out I was pregnant, I knew I had to do the right thing. Not for me, but for my child. Even if the charges got dismissed, even if it made me look like the bitter knocked-up ex-girlfriend lashing out at the guy who dumped me. Even if he followed through with his threat to sue me for defamation of character. I needed the truth on record. My baby needed the truth on record. But when I miscarried ... everything changed. Everyone’s body language screamed
you lucked out; you dodged a bullet
. But it didn’t feel that way, not to me. When I got back from the hospital that night, fuck-face’s cousin showed up at my house and rudely reminded me how weak my case was, especially since fuck-face had a credible alibi—him. He promised to not sue for defamation if I dropped the charges. As much as I hated him, deep down I didn’t believe he would ever be a risk to another woman, and my own desire for justice was not worth bankrupting my father. My dad would have spent every last dime defending my honor if they wound up suing me. I would never do that to him. I dropped the charges the next day.”

“Fuck, Blue. It kills me to think of what you had to go through.” Chase softly held my cheek. I pressed my face harder against his palm in response.

“Thanks.”
Thank you for looking at me like you are, right this second.

“I’ve always known you were strong. You’re pure steel, baby. I’m in awe of you.”

“I think ... I kind of like pure sweet better.” I quietly chuckled. Because this man did that for me.

We stared into each other’s eyes for at least a minute. A minute was amazingly long. Our connection had the fine hair on my arms standing. I knew he would gladly take on the burden of my memories if he could, adding to what he already carried on his broad shoulders. To give me peace. Because that’s what you did when you cared for someone. When you
loved
someone.

But those were not the words Chase spoke when his lips parted. Instead he said what I never had the courage to admit to anyone. Not even myself. “You loved your baby. Don’t be ashamed to admit it. You put your unborn child’s needs ahead of your own grief. That’s what a real mother does. You’re going to be a wonderful mama, Blue. You ... are amazing. You’re everything I’m-” Chase looked back down at the at the sand. He never finished that sentence, but my gut told me it was more about him than me.

His words repeatedly crashed over me, much like the waves now crashed closer to our bare feet.
I’m gonna be a mama one day, I can only hope.
The tide began to change.

I lifted Chase’s chin to look at me, like he had done to me a million times before.

“Thank you for saying that. Do you have any idea what your understanding means to me?” I used his words. “But there’s something you’re not telling me.” I paused. “Truth?”

Chase deserved to feel a little lighter. To drop some more of the weight. He’d just allowed me this; I wanted to do the same for him.

“Trust me, Chase. Please ... truth.”

“I don’t deserve your trust, Blue. I don’t deserve you.” His vulnerable words stunned me, but I was not letting him run away again ... not from this conversation ... not from me … not from us.

“Don’t you dare.” I used more of his words. They were my weapon until he saw the man I saw. “Stop putting me on a damn pedestal. I
do
trust you. I need you. Why can’t you see that?” I kicked the sand. I needed him to realize how much I trusted him.
Why couldn’t he see it?

“Because I’m a selfish fuck-face, too.”

What? That was so far from the truth. I didn’t believe it for one second.

I grabbed his shoulder and turned him to face me. “No. You. Are. Not.” There wasn’t a question in my mind. Not possible.

“Stop, baby. Listen to me. No. I’d never rape a woman. Not like that sick fuck, but I’m far from a fucking saint. The night of the accident, when I was too busy getting laid, I was also too goddamn selfish to stop when I didn’t have a condom.” My stomach sank. “I convinced Talia it’d be okay, I’d take care of it, I’d pull out. Because a fucking horny drunk eighteen-year-old, who happened to get lucky a handful of times, had any control over shooting his load. I was such a selfish fuck.” Now he kicked the sand, disgust in his eyes. “Fuck. She was Kimi’s best friend—hell, she was one of my best friends. And you want to know how I took care of it? The man you
trust
? When she came bawling her eyes out to me a month later, scared shitless because she was pregnant ... how I took care of her? I tossed her a few hundred bucks and told her to get rid of
it
.”

My eyes widened and the sick feeling in my stomach began to rise. All I pictured was a scared shitless kid who just lost his sister and now had to deal with another sad mistake.

A mistake. Why couldn’t he see that?

“Hell, I even had the balls to be pissed at her. Told her I couldn’t believe she didn’t just handle it herself, that she had the fucking nerve to put this on my plate after everything my family was going through with Kimi. The girl was fucking terrified ... terrified, Blue. Damn, she lost her best friend too, and worse, fuck—she told me she was in love with me. Instead of stepping up and supporting her to make her own decision, I used her feelings for me. Told her if she really loved me, she would get an abortion and never bring it up again. Fuck.” He forcefully raked his hands through his unruly hair. “I didn’t even go with her. I never even saw her again after that conversation.” He pulled his knees up and tucked his head between his legs. I saw the weight on his shoulders. “I took her choice away. That makes me no better than selfish fuck-face.”