Bad as in Good (29 page)

•  •  •

“Fuck you!”

“Fuck you too!”

Their voices rang through Loraine's front door like sirens blaring. I may not have wanted to hear the sounds of Loraine and her ex
making love, but I was sucker for a good domestic argument. I stood a few feet away from the door with my ear in their direction. Loraine's voice continued and said, “I didn't ask for this, Lorenz.”

“Then what the fuck were we doing? Was it about dick wit' you?”

“It was always about pussy wit' you!”

“There you go wit' this bullshit again. Yeah, I cheated! I apologized. I pleaded wit' you. Hell, I even begged you to take me back. Stop bringin' that shit up!”

“Excuse me? You left me for some other woman and then came back once you realized that she couldn't hold a candle to me. You lied, snuck around, and blatantly disrespected me for a bitch that sold bus tokens. I don't care if she was your boss or not. I was your wife, Lorenz, and you betrayed me. I can bring that shit up all I want.”

“I'm done hearin' it. What did you have in mind wit' all this? You honestly think I can be okay wit' you fuckin' me an' datin' otha niggas? Who the fuck do I look like, Loraine? You fuckin' them too?”

“Fuck you, Lorenz. Because you couldn't keep yo' dick in yo' pants, every man I know must be putting his dick in me?”

“I'm not playin' wit' you, Loraine. Stop tryna change the subject.”

“I'm
not
playin'. I never said this was us gettin' back together. I…” She paused. I could picture her twirling her dreads through her fingers while she shook her head and bit her bottom lip. “I dunno what we were doing.”

“I dunno either.” Lorenz lowered his tone and sighed. “Tell me—have you been fuckin' anyone else?”

Silence. I pictured Loraine staring at her feet while Lorenz patiently waited on her answer. I didn't breathe; I wanted to hear her answer, too. “I don't have to answer that.”

More silence. I didn't know what to picture then. Lorenz was boiling, though. They didn't say any more words. When I saw Loraine's doorknob turn, I ran a few steps back and pretended as if I walked up her driveway. Lorenz swung the door open and stomped past me without a hello. Loraine stood in the doorway and stared at my car. She didn't watch as Lorenz sped off without a glance back in her direction. She stood there in her robe, hair tousled, dried sweat beads around her neck. It was clear they were sexing not long before arguing. I tried to act like I didn't know what I heard. I gawkily said, “What's up, girl?” She glared at me. Turning on her heel, she disappeared into her living room and left the door open for me to follow. I walked inside and closed the door behind me. I didn't know what to say. I quickly thought up things I usually said when I didn't know she had a fight with her ex-husband. I drew a blank. I stood there with a discomfited smile.

Two seconds later, she pulled out a bottle of Grey Goose vodka. She poured a glass and gulped it down like wine. She then slammed the glass on her kitchen counter and exhaled. “Whatchu doing here?”

“Came by to chat.”

“I'm not sure I'm in the mood. I know you heard.”

I never had a good poker face. “What was that all about?”

Loraine poured herself another glass and guzzled it down. She wiped the excess liquid that leaked down her chin and shook her head as if I asked her a question. “Bullshit.” With frustration etched about her face, she stared at her front door as if she expected Lorenz to walk back in.

“Why was he so mad?”

“ 'Cause he's full of shit. Why else?” Loraine didn't raise her voice. She stared at her door as she tapped the brim of her glass. “I'm so sick and tired of him.”

“What did he do?” I hated the vague innuendos and ambiguous references to Lorenz's asshole tendencies. I wanted more. I needed to dish.

“I thought we were fine sexing. I thought things were…what they are. But
he
thought we were gettin' back together.”

“How did this all start?”

She poured another glass. She didn't swallow it like before, though. This time, she let the alcohol sit on her tongue, allowing it to marinate on her taste buds. She sniffed the glass as if she were inhaling toxins and closed her eyes while the inebriation settled. I didn't want to stop her too soon; I wanted to get her tipsy enough to spill the beans. When she opened her eyes, she took another long sip and gently placed the glass back down. “I'm not fucking anyone else, but that doesn't mean I don't date. Either way, Lorenz is not my man anymore. He signed the fuckin' divorce papers. I have the right to see, call, or text whomever I want to. I don't answer to him.”

“You're right about that.”

“But when he sees another man callin' me, he's quick to start askin' me all these questions. And when I refuse to answer, he throws a fit.”

“What does he want from you?”

“Apparently a relationship!” She went back to letting the alcohol flow down her throat like ripping rapids slapping against her esophagus with high tide. She threw her glass in her sink and walked toward her couch. When she sat down, she kicked her feet up on the coffee table and ran her fingers through her locks. “He drives me so crazy.”

“You're not ready for a relationship with him, anyway.”

“I know that. I wish he knew that. I love him. At one point, I couldn't picture myself without him, but he fucked that up when
he walked out the door—twice. I learned how to fend for myself. I realized that life ain't so scary without him. I grew up. I ain't saying that there will never be a Loraine and Lorenz, but I know that there will never be the Loraine and Lorenz that existed before. I'm not accepting the shit he used to pull anymore. I'm a grown-ass woman wit' grown-ass problems.” She twirled her dreads in her fingers furiously, almost ripping one from her scalp. “And dammit if I wanna fuck someone else. That's my damn prerogative. It's my pussy, not his.”

“Claim yo' pussy, girl. Own it.”

Loraine paused initially and burst into hysterical laughter. I wasn't tryna be funny, but my comment was enough to crack a smile and some of the unwanted tension. Loraine loosened her shoulders and let the sleeve from her oversized robe fall, revealing her come-get-me lace bra strap. She rubbed the side of her neck and pushed up her lips. “I dunno what to do, Erin. I love Lorenz. I love being with him but…I'm not ready to do this full time.”

“Do you wanna date other men while you two have sex?”

“I know I don't wanna feel pressured
not
to. Whatchu think? Think I should give in? Ain't like he's tryna marry me. But he does want to keep things exclusive.”

“You should do what makes you the happiest. You were always tryna make him happy. Why not make yourself happy this time? Things might turn out differently. If he can't understand what you want, forget about him.”

Loraine ran the tip of her tongue slowly across her top lip. Grabbing her phone, she scrolled through it and shook her head. “We had sex. Good sex, real slow, wet and juicy lovemaking. He had me on the wall. We were clawing at each other with this animalistic rage. It felt like we were mad at each other. Fighting each
other's bodies like we wanted to hurt each other for the pain we caused by staying apart. He grinded into me like a drill, and I…I came so hard it fell like the walls were coming down. We were panting on the floor, prepping ourselves for round two when my phone rang.” She threw her phone down on the couch beside her. “I recognized the ring and didn't answer. Lorenz ignored it at first, but then he texted.”

“Who's
he?”

Loraine fixed her robe and folded her arms. She held her sides as if she were hugging herself. Her shoulders rose and fell as she fluttered her eyelids and pursed her lips. “I've kinda been seeing someone. Before Lorenz and I starting doin' our thing, I met someone online.”

“Online? When did you start online dating?”

“I was lonely. A friend at work told me about this website called eMeet.com. I was only gonna check it out at first, but after an hour of perusing the profiles, I decided to set up my own. There were a few, well, a lot of low-lifes at first, but this one guy hit me up.” She grabbed one of her red dreadlocks and caressed it between her two fingers. Staring up at the wall, she spoke slowly and softly as her lips barely spread apart and her tongue moved seductively. “Bama56 was his profile name. In his pic, he had full lips that split open to big, white teeth. His smile was perfect, and his big, round gray eyes pierced through my computer screen as if they begged me to click on his personal info. I couldn't stop staring at his mocha-skinned complexion. His profile read “
6'4”, muscular/toned, loves God, plays golf, loves to read, reads/writes poetry, and enjoys watching the sunrise
.”
He sounded too good to be true, and I had to know for myself. The messages started innocent before they got real passionate. Eventually, we grew tired of waiting 'til we got online
to speak and decided to exchange numbers.” She closed her eyes and tilted her head back. “Erin, his voice…his voice was deep. He had a Southern accent that dripped from his tone. I could almost taste it with each word he spoke. We would talk for hours about everything. I would even dream about him.”

“When did this all start?”

Loraine opened her eyes and sat up straight. Her face was euphoric as she fantasized about the mocha, gray-eyed Southern gent that stole her heart through the World Wide Web. She moaned, “Four months ago.”

“Why didn't you ever tell me?”

“A part of me was ashamed. I was fallin' for a man I never met in person. At first, it was really innocent, and I wanted to tell you, but then…the phone sex started. We would flirt online and make dirty comments here and there, but when I heard his voice, my thighs would stick.” She grabbed a magazine from her coffee table and fanned herself. Her face turned red, and her chest rose and fell at a hurried pace. “I wanted him to use his words to make love to me like I needed. It would get hot and intense to where I'd make myself come all over my sheets as he listened. After Lorenz came over, I was horny, and he was available. Bama56 would get me hot and bothered over the phone, and Lorenz would come in and close the deal.”

“Are you still talkin' to Bama56?”

“Yea, I can't stop. I still have feelings for him. The problem is I'm not the type to detach feelings from sex. Old feelings for Lorenz are resurfacing, and I'm starting to crave him. Bama56 can tell. I'm sure of it. Lorenz can tell, and when he grabbed my phone and read my text, he was sure of it.”

“What'd the text say?”

“Bama56 would read his poetry to me a lot. It's really beautiful. He'd email me poems at work, and I'd lose myself in his words. He texted me part of his poem, the poem he first read to me when we first starting having phone sex.” She closed her eyes and rubbed the back of her neck. She sucked in her lips and then took a long, deep breath. She whispered, “I can illustrate how the absence of you causes my world to stop. The world lacking all its presence. Time no longer having meaning. The maddening sense of uselessness. Needing you to make seconds work again. My hard exterior is but the shell of a quivering mess. Nothing but a pile of shattered promises that yearn to feel something close to you …The very appearance of you is surreal… The heavens can't shine as sweet as you…” She sat quietly with her eyes closed and her palms sweaty. After a second, she rubbed her fingers down her scalp and her skin.

“Wow,” I said. “Are you in love with this man?”

“I dunno. I dunno anything anymore. Lorenz read the text and went ballistic. He feels like I'm cheating on him. I don't know if I am. I don't know if I'm cheating on Julian.”

“That's Bama56's real name?”

She smiled. Her smile was warm, like fresh-baked cookies. “Yea, Julian. With Julian, things are easy. I'm afraid that if I let go of what I have with Lorenz, I'll get disappointed with Julian. He seems too perfect. And I love Lorenz. I know what to expect with Lorenz. I don't know what I'm doing, girl. I'm so confused.”

“You know what you need to do. Do what makes you happy.
What
makes you happy? Talking to Julian or being with Lorenz?”

“Both. I don't find more happiness with either of them. If I could combine the two, I'd have the perfect man. I feel like if I let one of them go, I'll feel incomplete. Together, I'm happiest. Is that wrong?”

I didn't know. When dealing with my heart and mind, nothing ever made sense. I sat silently, not knowing how to answer a simply asked question. If I were in the same exact situation, I wouldn't be able to choose. Then again, wit' Tariq and Louis, I practically was in the same situation, and if I had to choose today, I couldn't pick one over the other. I shrugged my shoulders. “Only you know that.”

“Do I really?”

“Girl, what I do know is that you really are claiming your pussy.”

She opened her eyes and giggled. “It feels good too.”

“It always does.”

•  •  •

When I walked into my apartment building, I was surprised to see Alonzo standing at his door going through his mail. Since I'd been dealin' wit' two men, I hadn't even noticed Alonzo's brief greetings and failed attempts at small talk. Though I didn't owe him anything, I still felt obliged to stop and talk to him. I looked him up and down as he stood at his door in flannel pajama pants and an oversized NYU sweatshirt. His face was rugged from lack of shaving, and his posture slouched forward as he looked through mail that he didn't seem to want at the time. “Hi, Alonzo.”

He jumped and popped his head up. When he saw me standing at my door actually interested in a
hello
in response, his face lit up and eyes widened. Excitedly, he said, “Hey, Erin. How've you been?”