Back To You (17 page)

“I don’t know.  I guess you are referring to  Mr. White Teeth Big Smile Dark and Handsome
dancing with Suzy?”  Jack couldn’t keep the bitterness out of his tone.

“Yeah.  Him.”  Darrin snuck a sideways glance at Jack.  “Why don’t you go over there?”

“I.  Can’t.”  Jack was frozen in place.  Fear and anger hit him all at once.  Obviously she was doing just fine not being with him tonight.  He was worried she was upset.  She certainly didn’t look upset.

H
e saw Randy and Paulette right next to Suzy and What’s His Face.  He headed toward them.  When he got to Randy, Suzy’s back was to him and she didn’t see him approach.  As the song ended, she started to move away and backed right into Jack.

“I’m sorry!  I...JACK?  What are you doing here?”  She flew to his arms.

He held her close and breathed in her scent.  “The guys wanted to go dancing.  I see you did too.”  He didn’t expect her to be so excited to see him.  Not after dancing with That Guy.

“Jack, I want to introduce you to an old friend of mine.  Ca
rlos, this is Jack, my boyfriend.”

Carlos held out his hand.  Jack took it and shook hands.  “Nice to meet you.”  Carlos said.

“Uh, you too.”

“You got yourself a good one.”  Carlos smiled and no
dded his head toward Suzy.

“I know.”

“Hang on to her.  You obviously make her very happy.”

“I plan to.”  Jack smiled back.  No threat here.  Just an old friend. 
He held Suzy in his arms as “When I’m With You” by Sheriff came on.  An old and sappy song, but he sang softly in her ear anyway.

*****

I thought it was going to be a terrible night.  It wasn’t.  My friends came to my rescue.  I got to see Carlos before he was gone forever.  And he wanted to see me.  Best of all, I still got to be in Jack’s arms for a little while.

He smelled like beer.  That bothered me a bit. 
Maybe since he didn’t think I was drowning my sorrows and loneliness in pizza and coke, he wouldn’t want to spend too much time away from me.

Since I rode with Randy and Jack rode with Darrin, we
didn’t get to leave together.  As he said goodbye to me in the parking lot, he cupped my face in his hands and kissed my nose.

“I’m sorry.”

“For what?” I asked.

“I feel like I should have been here with you, but I wan
ted to just go do something different for a change.”

“It is okay.  I am not mad.”

“But you looked hurt.”

“I was, a little.  But I get it.  We don’t have to be toget
her all of the time.”

“You don’t mind then?”

“Not really.  As long as you save time for me.”

“Of course.”

“Good.  I love you.”

“I love you too.  Be safe.”

“That’s funny coming from you.”

“Why do you say that?”

“Because you smell like beer.  Better chew some gum before you go home.”

Darrin yelled from the car, “Hey, let’s go!”

With one last, long kiss, we said goodbye.  I had a suspicion that things were going to be different from here on out. 

C
hapter 14

Jack lay on his back on his bed confused and torn.  He was putting off calling Suzy, but he was scared.  There was no denying that what he felt for Suzy was a once in a lifetime feeling.  It was truly love.  Mind altering, life changing love.  But it was just too much for him to handle right now.

No sixteen year old boy should be thinking about the forever kind of love. 
That was for the girls
, he thought.  He hadn’t had the chance to do all of the crazy things he was supposed to do as a teenager.  He needed to distance himself from Suzy before he was completely sucked in.  If he didn’t take some time and live a little, he would resent her for losing his “fun years”.  Like Suzy’s mom resented her dad.  But it was tearing him up inside to think of letting her go.  What happens when someone else sees in her what he saw?  When someone realizes how incredible she is deep inside and they snatch her up?  What if he lost her forever?  His mom had this print hanging in the bathroom that he had read a thousand times at least, but never really got the meaning.  “If you love something, set it free.  If it comes back to you, it is yours.  If not, then it was never meant to be.”

Could he truly handle it if she never came back?  He didn’t think so.  It hurt to even think about breaking things off with her.  But how could he know she was “the one” for him, if she was all he knew?

*****

I blame
d a movie because it was easier to blame that than it was to blame yourself.  Jack and I had just gotten back from seeing the movie “Crossroad” when he brought up the subject of finding something more from life.  So I blame that stupid, stupid movie for changing my life forever and starting me on a path from which there was no return.

Jack had been really getting into his music, finding di
fferent styles he liked and learning to play them.  When we got back to my house, he said that “Crossroad” changed his perspective.  A line in it went something like, “you can’t play the blues, if you’ve never known heartbreak.”  It probably wasn’t the exact quote, but I didn’t care.  That line created something inside Jack that I wasn’t prepared for.  He wanted some freedom.  He wanted to experience life and its hardships without being tied down.  How could you write the blues if you’d never felt them?  So he wanted to break both of our hearts so he could FEEL the blues.

I don’t even remember what happened.  He had already di
stanced himself by the Sadie Hawkins dance.  It was so hard being there with him, knowing the inevitable was coming.  Feeling him pull further and further away while I was desperately trying to hold onto the only real happiness I had ever known.  Was it on the phone?  In the car?  My living room?  Maybe it was just a series of conversations that led us to the end.  He wanted to be able to enjoy life for a while.  He loved me, oh yes, he loved me was what he kept saying.  But.  But.  But.  He was scared.  We were going too fast.  He wanted to be able to go out with friends.  There was more out there that he wanted to know and experience.  He wanted me to be happy and there was no way I could be happy with a wandering soul like he was at the time.  And so on.

I don’t even know what my response was.  I ha
d no idea what people saw on the outside, because all I knew was what was going on inside.  And it was a mess.  First, it was the cold that seared me to the bone.  The feeling like every drop of blood had been drained, leaving me nothing but a shell.  The pain was too much.  My heart was shattered.

But I did
n’t show that to people.  I went inside myself, trying to forget.  Trying to be strong and hold my head high, even if it felt like a thousand tons.  Life had dealt me a few blows in my lifetime, but this time it knocked me down.  Knocked me out.  Defenses went up.  Auto pilot was on.  And I simply functioned.  When I came home from school, somehow I did my homework.  I was alone most afternoons and evenings.  I went through the motions like a programmed robot.  Until, I could put on some music and sing.  And sing.  And sing.  Until I cried myself to sleep.  If Mom was home, I would hide in my bedroom, unless she made me sit in the living room with her to watch TV.  I didn’t care.  Because if I cared, I would break.  And I couldn’t break.

Some people
might have thought I was being dramatic when describing how I felt.  That it was simply your first teenage love.  You never forget your first love, people said.  But you move on.  And when you look back years from then, you can look back, amused at your youth, with fond memories and lots of “remember when’s”.  No one could have been able to convince me that this was simple and cute.  There was nothing cute about the way I felt.  And there never would be.

I just wanted to be left alone.  I was experiencing the kind of heartache I knew existed but had only
read about.  I was sure people barely noticed that I was a walking zombie, void of life.  Until they looked at my eyes.  Then they could see it.  So I kept my eyes down.  Admitting I was broken was not possible.  I was a survivor.  Breaking meant that I had to feel something.  That would lead to crying which meant I wasn’t perfect.  And that wasn’t acceptable.  I learned that from my dad.  I saw what imperfection and broken looked like when I looked at my mother.  She never fell apart, she just found another way to cope, to survive.  I didn’t want that either, because drinking wasn’t something I was willing to do.  Something inside of me knew that if I could just get up every morning, get through my day, and go to bed, then it would get easier.  I could get through this.  I told myself that every time I saw myself in a mirror, using concealer to cover up the dark circles under my eyes.

Of course, my friends were worried.  Randy wasn’t sure how to feel.  He was a friend to us both.  But he would put his arm aro
und my shoulder when he saw me.  He didn’t need to say anything at all.  Which was good, because I couldn’t have said much anyway.  Paulette and Lindsey were there for me too.  But they still had boyfriends, and I hated being the third wheel.  It was just one huge reminder that I was alone.  And that was just too much for me to handle.  I really wanted to disappear.

Mom wasn’t a big help either.  She was so wrapped up with her boyfriend that I don’t even think
she knew what happened.  Sure, she knew something was wrong, but she didn’t take much time to find out what.  So she and Richard would be playful and kiss and then they would head off to her room for the night.  I liked Richard, I really did.  But that playfulness was torture for me.

Halloween came and went.  I didn’t dres
s up to give candy out.  Thanksgiving passed.  And all of the things I hated about that stupid holiday came rushing back to me.  Christmas was just around the corner.  And there I was, no boyfriend, again.  Life sucked.

A couple of weeks before Christmas, Kim found out that she was pregnant by the guy she had been seeing.  Come to find out, she had conceived on my friggin bed.  As if I wasn’t upset enough r
emembering how Jack had held me in that very bed.  Loving me, singing to me, looking deep in my eyes and promising to love me forever. 

Since Kim was having a hard time, Mom let her move in with us.  She slept in the room right next to the living room.  It wasn’t too bad having her there, except for when I just needed time alone to think, or not think, whatever it was I did when I just sat in a dark room alone.  But she was there for
me to make me laugh too.  Slowly, life began to seep back into me. 

With life, came emotion.  And with the emotion, came the tears.  I sat in the living room listening to my favorite old Christmas music, watching the lights on the tree blink out of sync with the music.  Something besides the cold fingers of em
ptiness began to grow.  

*****

Jack was happy.  Sort of.  He hung out with his friends from the team.  As he got deeper into heavy metal, he started hanging out with other friends too.  Friends that didn’t remind him how much he missed Suzy.  As long as he kept busy, he was pretty good.  He threw himself into his music, like a starving child eating his first meal in weeks.  He imitated and learned to play his favorite songs.  Metallica spoke to his soul.  It was dark music.  The nights he spent in his room, listening to the music, strumming along on his guitar, was the only time he allowed himself the chance to think.  He couldn’t bring himself to throw away the pictures of Suzy, but he hid them in one of his dresser drawers. 
No regrets
, he told himself.  But still, he couldn’t help remembering her, the taste of her lips, the smell of her skin, and the curves of her body as he would drift off to sleep.  He tried dating, but he couldn’t get serious again, so he kept it casual, never going out with anyone more than once.

Jack’s parents knew about the breakup.  His dad knew that Jack was drinking with the guys, but he kept quiet and didn’t tell Jack’s mom.  As far as he knew, Jack just decided that he was going to play the field, sow some wild oats, and be a typical teenage boy.  But when his mom would mention anything
about Suzy, Jack blew up.  The fights were loud and ended up with at least one door slamming and often with Jack walking out of the house, only to return at some small hour of the morning reeking of alcohol.  It was time to intervene a little.

“Jack, let’s go outside to talk.”  He suggested.

“Why?” Jack had that aggravated look on his face.

“Because it’s time we had a little chat.  Don’t argue, just go.”

Rolling his eyes, Jack went to the back door and stepped outside in the chilly air.  “What?”  He asked his dad.

“First, you will not take that tone with me.  Sit down.”

Jack sullenly plopped down on a really cold lawn chair covered in freezing dew.

“Jack, I know you have been drinking.”

“Dad, I have no..“

“Don’t.  Just listen.  I
’m not stupid, son.  Whatever it is that happened between you and Suzy is really none of my business, unless you want to talk about it.  But, you can’t just go wild.  Driving around three sheets to the wind isn’t an option.  You need to think about what you are doing.”

“Dad...”

“Shh.  There is not one single thing you can say that I didn’t say myself when I was young.”

Jack looked shocked.

“Yes.  I went through my party stage.  But you need to realize that you only get one shot at this life.  Being stupid and drinking and driving can get you killed.”

“But...”

“Son, if anything happened to you, it would kill your mother.  It would kill me.  All I am trying to say is to be safe.  Find someone you trust to make sure you get home alive.  Okay?”

“I’m sorry Dad.  I guess I haven’t been thinking clearly.”

“Just know that if you ever want to talk, I am here.”  And he got up and went to the door.  “I’m going to bed now.  Lock up, will you?”

Jack sat outside for a little while longer.  He could see the neighbor’s outside Christmas lights glowing over the fence. 
Am I really having fun
?  He wondered
.  Is this what I wanted?  Freedom but no one to share nights like this with?  No, not really, but it is too late now
.  Somehow this wasn’t going exactly the way he had planned.  When he couldn’t take the cold anymore, he got up, went inside, locked the doors, and lay in his bed for a long time, thinking.  He would never tell anyone how he fell asleep holding her picture, one tear escaping his eye.

*****

New Year’s Eve was straight up boring.  I wasn’t going to go to Monopoly’s.  No way.  Kim was so sick from pregnancy that she was absolutely no fun at all.  And of course Lee, Lindsey, Randy and Paulette had plans.  They invited me to tag along, but I refused.  For the first time in a few years, I just sat in the living room with a bowl of popcorn, a big glass of Coke and watched Dick Clark freeze his nuts off in New York City while the ball dropped.  Woopee.  I think I was in bed by twelve-thirty, reading my latest book, whatever that was.  Mom wasn’t home yet and Kim was snoring so loud that I could hear her with my door shut.  Sleepiness finally hit, I turned out my light and rolled over, saying one last prayer as I drifted off to sleep.

“Please God, let me get up in the morning feeling better.  I don’t want to feel like this anymore.”  I paused, knowing no one could hear me, “
And God, if it’s possible, can you please watch over Jack.  And if you get the chance, is it possible to make him miss me just a little?”

The next morning, I did wake up feeling different.  Not be
tter, different.  Something was going to happen, and I had a bad feeling about it.  About three seconds before the phone rang, a cold shiver ran down my spine.  Mom answered.  Her face went through a few emotions before settling on shock and sadness.

“No. 
No no no no no!  Oh my God.”  She sat down at the kitchen table.  I looked at the caller ID.  All I knew was that it was a California phone number.  “Thank you.  Please give her a hug from me.”  I never heard my mother offer a hug to anyone.  She hung up.  Dazed, she looked up at me.  “It’s Rhonda.”

I had a feeling.  I had a dream about her
the night before.  She was smiling like she always did.  “What happened?”  I was afraid to know.