Back To You (18 page)

“They had to Life Flight her home from Hawaii.  It doesn’t look good.”

“What do you mean ‘it doesn’t look good’?  What is that supposed to mean?”  Kim was now standing in the doorway to the kitchen.

“Her cancer is back.  All I know is that she collapsed while on her vacation.  The hospital determined that she needed to be flown back to California immediately.”

“I thought she was cleared.  Didn’t she just get released from her doctor a few months ago?”

“Yes.  But it is a very aggressive strain of cancer. 
The doctor said it had gotten into her blood stream and is attacking all of her organs.”

That couldn’t be good.  “Is there anything they can do?  More chemo?  Radiation?  Anything?”  Kim asked.  Mom was sha
king her head.

“All they can do is try to make her comfortable.”

“How long?”  I asked softly.

“Hours.  Days at the most.”  Mom put her head in her hands.  “There is no way I can get there.”

I went over to my mom and put my arm around her shoulders.  She was crying silently.  Tears were streaming down my cheeks too.  Kim just turned on her heel and locked herself in her room.  She had been close to Rhonda when they were kids so I knew she was going to take the news really hard.

“We will figure something out Mom.  I need to let Dad know, is that okay?”

She just nodded, head still in her hands, hiding her face.

We waited.  All day.  All night.  Jumping in fear every time the phone rang.  I didn’t want to talk to my friends, but my heart was breaking for my aunt and uncle.  Rhonda was their only child and they had to watch her die an excruciatingly cruel death.

The call came the next day.  Rhonda was gone.  The cancer had spread to her organs.  By the time they put her under complete sedation, it had taken over her brain.  That sweet, funny, bright and beautiful woman was left screaming like a primate at her own mother, whom she didn’t recognize.  It was merciful when she finally passed.  Her last minutes, she opened her eyes and looked at them with clarity.  It was the only way she could say goodbye.

I knew in my heart that Rhonda was at peace while the rest of the family fell apart.  I d
idn’t deal with death very well.  It was impossible for me to accept that my cousin was gone forever. 

Mom was able to fly out for the funeral, thanks to Grandma pay
ing for the ticket.  Kim suggested I call a couple of my friends to see if they wanted to come over before school started back up on Monday.  I thought it was a good idea.  I had plenty to cry about, and the shoulders of my friends were some of the best.  But I couldn’t bring myself to call the one person whose shoulders I craved the most.  The ones that gave me comfort.

Jack and I had been avoiding each other for the last co
uple of months.  I was thankful we didn’t have any classes together this year because I wasn’t sure I could handle seeing him that close every day.  But his locker was on the same section of hallway as mine so I saw him in the mad dashes between classes.  Usually laughing and talking with one of his friends.  Talking about concerts or whatever.  He avoided my eyes, but I knew that as soon as I turned and walked away, he watched me, letting the happy teenage guy façade slip a little.

So before going back to that on a daily basis, the group came over to give me support.  They brought the usual,
a huge pepperoni pizza, several two liters of Coke, Randy’s VCR and a few movies.  I hadn’t expected to see Jack pull in my driveway a few minutes after everyone else got there.  Randy had a guilty look on his face so he must have told Jack what happened.

There wasn’t
any one word that could describe the emotions that ran through me that night.  Sadness (Rhonda’s death), fear (that I wouldn’t have been able to hide my feelings for Jack well enough), and absolute love (by being surrounded by people, no,
friends
, who truly cared about me).  Even Jack grabbed me into one of his great big bear hugs as he came through the door.  He kissed my hair and breathed heavily.

“I am so sorry Suzy Q.  I know how much you loved your cousin.”

I couldn’t say anything.  I just wanted to melt into his arms and believe that everything was going to be all right.  And for a few hours, everything was.

I c
ouldn’t tell you what movie we watched, how much pizza I ate or Coke I drank because the only thing I was aware of was Jack sitting/laying on my couch and asking me to sit with him.  I did.  He put a pillow and his arm down for me to rest my head, made sure I had plenty of room, and held me.  Absented-mindedly, he caressed my shoulder and arm.  It was a moment of bittersweet perfection.  One by one, we all fell asleep, which was the norm.  And for the first time in my life, I slept in the arms of the man I loved, even if he didn’t love me back.  I secretly hoped that he would try to kiss me, tell me he wanted to get back together, but he didn’t.  He was there as a caring friend, nothing more.  Desperation made me a fool. 

*****

It was a breath of heaven holding her close to him.  Randy called Jack and told him what had happened to Suzy’s cousin.  Jack knew that Suzy would take it pretty hard.  Randy was getting them together to go over to Suzy’s to help cheer her up before school started back up.  Jack wanted to go.  Randy reminded him that he had broken Suzy’s heart and it might not be best if he came.  But Jack said that he was still Suzy’s friend and he wanted to be there for her.  Period.

Jack didn’t even hesitate as he pulled into Suzy’s driv
eway that night.  All he could think about was how hurt Suzy was over her cousin’s sudden death.  He didn’t even have to think twice about it.  He was just there.  She was hesitant and surprised when he was standing there in her doorway.  It took her a few seconds to put her arms around him as he pulled her into a hug and kissed the top of her head.  That hesitation tugged at his heart, knowing that he had hurt her to the point that she wasn’t sure if he cared enough to be there.  He did.  He loved her.  Still.  But he couldn’t be the boyfriend she deserved.  And the best he could do was to let her know that he loved her in so many ways, but most of all as a friend.  The kind of friend who would always be there for her, no matter how long it had been or how far apart they were.  He would always love her, whether or not “happily ever after” happened between the two of them.

Jack felt
whole as he held Suzy in his arms that night, feeling her relax into sleep for the first time since he had known her.  He ached for her, knowing she was hurting.  He ached to hold her closer, but he couldn’t allow himself to feel that for too long.  One by one, each of them fell asleep.  Jack even dozed off for a few minutes.  But in his brief dreams, he could see Suzy’s face smiling up at him, then turn to tears.  It was too much.  Gently, he shifted out from under her, careful not to wake her, making sure she had a pillow under her head and a blanket over her.  He kissed her forehead, stroked her hair one last time and quietly left.  Fighting the urge to tell her he loved her and let her sleep in his arms all night.

*****

I woke up about three am, and he was gone.  I knew that the warmth of his chest and arms were gone before I even opened my eyes.  I felt so confused.  He had been there for me.  He held me close and said so much without speaking a word.  He gave me a strong shoulder when I needed it most.  But he left, and I was alone.  I could still smell him on the pillow, and for just a moment, I didn’t ever want to leave my couch.  Reality was just a little too harsh right then.  Sleep began to creep back up on me, and as I drifted off, I pretended that the pillow was his chest, breathing in his scent, trying to convince myself that I wasn’t as alone as I felt.

C
hapter 15

Back to school.  Back to reality.  Even though my year ended pretty shitty, and this one started even worse, I was determined to put on a new face and get back to living.  I wanted to be me again.  At least the part of me that laughed and goofed off with friends.  I missed that part of me.  It was time to find it again.  I wanted to believe I was being stupid for feeling so lost without Jack.  Surely I could find that bliss again, right?

Bobby was the first to ask me out that year.  He was r
eally sweet.  Was it odd that his birthday was the same as Jack’s?  And that he drove the exact same car, a convertible fiat, only his was blue, not green?  He was so different from Jack, but those stupid little things were not easy to overlook.  Every time I got into his car, it was like a slap in the face.  And when he went to kiss me?  I wanted to hide.  Obviously, I wasn’t ready.  Bobby was so cute and so nice and amazingly polite and funny.  What was wrong with me?  Jack, that’s what was wrong.

I still saw
Jack in the hallways.  He seemed happy.  I guess he didn’t miss me as much as I missed him.  Damn it.  I just wanted him to miss me a little bit, to know that I had been special enough to be missed.  He was still friendly to me, though.  Distant, but friendly. 

Of course, our seventeenth birthdays were coming up in less than a month.  Last year my party was on the night of Chris’s wake.  I
wanted to have another party.  That should help get my mind off of things.  Yeah, right.  But it was worth a try.

I knew Mom wouldn’t care if I had a party.  Kim was still living with us
, and she could be there to “keep an eye on us”.  I laughed when Mom suggested it because Kim was way crazier than I was when it came to parties.  But hey, she could use a little fun since she had been going to school to finish her degree and dealing with morning sickness a lot.  I was only worried about the fact that my friends stayed up late and listened to loud music.  She liked going to bed by eight pm in complete silence.  Well, she was just gonna have to put up with it.  It was my freaking birthday.

So I asked some friends over.  I didn’t just want to have “the normal crew”.  I wanted to have a party, a real one, with lots of pe
ople and food and stuff.  Of course the “crew” would all be there.  I invited Megan, the girl who sat next to me in Biology last year.  She and I were lab partners and gleefully managed to mutilate a worm together while dissecting it.  We had become pretty good friends lately.  Being with Megan didn’t remind me so much that I was the only one of the “crew” who flew solo.  And Megan was certainly different than the snotty cheerleaders and dance team members.  She liked hard rock “hair bands”.  She didn’t care what others thought of her style.  She had insanely thick and crazy hair and used an entire can of Aquanet every three or four days.  She was obsessed with snakes.  She even wore these sandals that looked like snakes coiled up her ankle and calf.  Snake rings, snake earrings.  You get the picture.  She hated that she was a little overweight, so she hid behind layers of clothes that were baggy so no one really knew what her figure looked like.  And she was funny as hell.  Smart as a whip too.  A total nerd in heavy metal snakeskin.  I loved that about her.

I invited a few other friends from school.  A lot of the real social girls and guys probably wouldn’t come, but I knew a few would.  They weren’t all bad.  Besides, Bob
by knew a lot of them, and it would be his party too.

Since we all ran in the same circles, I couldn’t NOT i
nvite Jack.  I give him credit.  He was still being pretty nice to me.  Oblivious to the fact that I was mortally wounded and would barely survive the heartbreak intact, but friendly.  So, it was going to be a three way party for us all turning seventeen.  At my house.

*****

Jack was happy Suzy had invited him to her party and shocked that she told him to invite whomever he wanted since it would be for his birthday too.  He couldn’t remember the last time he’d had a party for his birthday.  Most of the people he wanted to invite had already been invited, but he added a few to the list.  Suzy had even told him to bring his guitar if he wanted, and whatever music he wanted to play.  He was glad that they were still friends.  And he was glad she was going out with Bobby.  Sort of.  He wanted her to be happy.  She didn’t need to be with a guy as confused as he was.  And Bobby was a good guy.  He hoped.  Jack just couldn’t bear to think about them having sex.

As for himself, he had gone out on a few dates
.  Tried having sex a couple of times, but he just couldn’t get into it.  Other guys made it sound so easy to get laid.  Jack wasn’t sure how they could have the “love em and leave em” attitude and bounce around from girl to girl.  Most of the time, he just didn’t find the girls he dated to be all that interesting after a night together.  Jack debated whether or not to invite a girl to go with him to the party.  He knew that Suzy was hurt about their breakup, and he didn’t want to make things worse since she was nice enough to include him.  But she would have Bobby there.  It was complicated.  He finally decided that he wouldn’t invite a date.  It would feel way too weird being with another girl in Suzy’s house.

There had been plenty of talk about t
he party around school.  Suzy was adamant about a few things though.  No drinking on her property.  She wanted to have a party that didn’t need to have alcohol to be fun.  She also said no drugs, period.  And if people wanted to smoke, they could do it outside.  It was usually decent enough weather in February to go outside and still be relatively comfortable as long as you had a jacket and didn’t mind the fog.  Most people were cool with the rules.  They all loved loud music and lots of junk food.  Of course there were a few that just laughed at the thought of going to a stupid party with stupid rules, but Jack knew that Suzy wouldn’t want them at her house anyway.