Back To You (12 page)

As I walked down the hall to the living room, I could see that he was sitting down on the couch. 

“Would you like something to drink?”

He cleared his throat
and croaked, “Water?”

“Coming right up.”  I made a glass of ice water
we could share.  There was only one lamp on in the living room so the light was dim.  I turned on the stereo and asked him if he wanted to listen to anything in particular.  He got up and went to the car.  When he came back, he said, “I was hoping you wouldn’t mind listening to this.”  It was the cassette of U2’s “The Joshua Tree”.

“I don’t mind at all.”

We sat together, saying nothing.  Finally I laughed.

“What’s funny?”

“Us.  Sitting here.  Feeling weird.”  I turned to face him.  “Jack, we shouldn’t feel weird.  Nervous maybe, but you are my best friend and I love you.”

And he kissed me.

“I have something to show you,” I said. And grabbed his hand, leading him down the hall.

I don’t know if I will ever find words to describe the look on his face when he saw the candles and the picture of him sitting right next to Garfield.  If I doubted even one little bit that he loved me, I wouldn’t have doubted it at all after h
e saw what I had done.  His eyes were full of love and desire.  The mood had already changed from awkward, but after he saw the candles, it became less of a passionate, spur of the moment, “let’s get dirty” kind of a feeling and more of a “no matter what happens, I will always love you” type of feeling.  I was still holding his hand, so I led him to the bed.  I sat on the edge, but he gently pushed me back and lay down next to me, our bodies touching from our shoulders to our feet.  Somehow, we had both managed to take our shoes off, but I don’t remember when or how.  Our clothes came off a piece at a time, as we touched and kissed and memorized every curve of each other’s body.  He was so gentle.

I knew it would hurt the first time.  In fact, Kim always said, plan on doing it twice the first time.  Once to get the pain over with and the second to enjoy it.  I
was happy to try it twice.

Somehow we ended up under the covers.  He managed to put on the condom on the first try, even in the dim candlelight.  After he had touched and kissed and explored every inch of me (and I him), he looked at me as he hovered over me, letting me feel how hard he was.

“Are you sure?”

“I’
m sure.”

“I don’t want to hurt you.”

“It’s okay.  I want this.”

“Ready?”

Yes.  I was ready.  Slowly he entered me.  It hurt a little.  He could tell by my wince, so he just sat still until the pain subsided.  “Kiss me.”  I said.

He moved to the rhythm of the music that drifted from the living room.  Slowly, gently easing in and out, letting me know that at any time he would stop.  But I didn’t want him to stop.  I wanted this moment to last.  I wanted to hold on to h
im and never let him go.  I had heard the first time was sometimes awkward and rarely what you imagine.  I couldn’t have imagined this.  It was such a new experience for me.  Our bodies moving together, feeling him moving inside of me, a hint of sweat on his back as I held him to me.  It was surreal.  And it was over pretty fast.

Since we had talked about doing it more than once that night, we were prepared.  After the first time, we lay there in each other’s arms listening to
“With Or Without You”.  He hummed in my ear and stroked my hair.

“Wow.”  Was all he said.

I laughed.  “Wow?  That’s all you can come up with?  Wow?”

He laughed too.  “There isn’t any other word I can think of.  I think I might have died and gone to heaven.”

I pinched him.

“Ow!  Hey, why did you pinch me?”

“Because I wanted to make sure this was real and I figured one of us should be pinched so I volunteered you.”

“Ah, thanks.” 
He chuckled.  The tone had gone from speechless incredulity back to our usual bantering.  Then it became a tickle fest.  And other than the fact that I got up to dash to the bathroom and he had to relieve himself from the condom so he could add another one in a few minutes, it felt as natural as anything I had ever known.  Only this time, it was a little less hesitant and sweet and a little more hormonally charged teenage passion.  I thought to myself that I couldn’t have picked a better time, place or man to share myself with.  And perhaps a little cake might just top the evening off perfectly.

C
hapter 10

It was sweeter than any cake he had ever tasted, but he figured it was the
momentous occasion that made it taste so good.  Jack still couldn’t believe that Suzy’s mom had made a cake to eat when she lost her virginity.  His mom would NEVER do something like that.  Maybe having a mom like Suzy did made her so different than other girls.  To Jack it seemed like Suzy grew up knowing a little bit more about who she was simply because she had no choice but to find out on her own.  He knew her mom was really nice and pretty cool all around, but there was always a combination of emotions that ran over her face when Suzy talked about her mom.

When they were just starting to date, Suzy told Jack about her life growing up.  About how the tension between her parents ripped her apart.  Jack knew that what Suzy wanted more than an
ything was to have them just let the past go and get along with each other.  He also knew about Brent and how that affected Suzy.

Of course Jack had never experienced anything like S
uzy’s life.  His parents were happily married to each other, and had only been with each other.  Sure, their lives were pretty boring, but he never doubted that they loved each other, even when they fought over stuff.  Suzy’s life could definitely be classified as more exciting than the life he’d had so far, but he didn’t envy her at all.  No one should have to carry some of the burdens that Suzy carried.  No one should have to be the one who checks in on her mother instead of being able to be a real teenager.  And although Suzy lived it every day, she shouldn’t have to hear others telling her what a bad example her mother was.

According to Suzy, there were parts of her life she loved.  Like her independence.  Her mom never waited up to make sure she got home on time and completely sober.  She never had to
sneak out of the house to do something she wanted to do.  She got her work done at home and at school and loved her time to herself.  They could be alone together without worrying about parental chaperones.  She could read and write and do lots of creative things.  Like sing.

Jack knew she loved to sing, but she refused to sing in front of him so he never heard her.  She was petrified to let an
yone hear her.  He thought maybe it was because of that mean girl back in grade school.  Or maybe it was because she was her most vulnerable when she sang from her heart, pouring out all of the pent up emotions that she kept under wraps.

Jack knew that Suzy hated being seen as vulnerable, but he also knew she hated that she didn’t have anyone to rely on to be there for her when she needed to be weak.  She complained that her mother drowned her weaknesses in the vodka bottle, refusing to face them and the unpleasant deluge of regret and hatred that would fo
llow.  Suzy said her father just went hunting or tinkered with cars and boats to work out his emotions.  One thing was obvious, her parents were never good at communicating with each other, and they weren’t good at communicating period.  Sure her mom had these really awesome and embarrassing conversations about real life issues (his mom would rather crawl into a cave and wait it out), but Suzy had to go by her instincts about most things.  Suzy said it was because both of her parents were brought up to act strong and never be weak.  Jack just thought it was sad.

He saw that Suzy held her life together carefully.  Balancing the house chores and her schoolwork with having a bo
yfriend and social life.  She made responsible choices like not drinking or doing any drugs.  She was a rock when it came to that.  Jack loved that about her.  He loved everything about her.  And he wished he could be more like her.  He also wanted to be the rock for her when she needed to be comforted.  He tried very hard to let her know that.

As the next few days went by
, they got over the awkward but happy feeling of the way everything seemed to change.  Losing your virginity really made you feel different than just making out hot and heavy.  Neither of them were rushing into doing it again, but they both wanted it very much.

As it turned out, Suzy didn’t go to Jacks house that Sa
turday, but she did go the next weekend and spent the entire day with him and his family.  Jack knew that Suzy was nervous, but she held it together and charmed both of his parents just like she was able to charm just about every person she met.

*****

Meeting Jack’s parents was a nerve wracking experience.  Especially knowing what we had done.  Everything in life took on a new perspective.  I knew it sounded stupid, but Andrea met the man she was going to marry when she was sixteen.  Of course, they broke up for a few years and got back together, realizing that what they shared was the real deal.  If anything ever felt like the “real deal” to me, this was it.  I also knew that every girl feels this way the first time they fall in love.  I knew that the odds of us staying together forever were not really high, but there was something about Jack that made me feel like I was home.  A real home, full of love and laughter.  A place to feel safe and wrapped in someone’s arms.  Somewhere I could just be me, independent and vulnerable.

So meeting Jack’s parents was weird.  Because I knew that I could possibly be meeting the people I would call In-Laws if we ever got married.  Jack told me about his parents, that they were nothing like mine
.  I was intrigued to meet them.  I wanted to get to know the people who raised the man of my dreams.

His dad was funny.  No, really.  He had me laughing right off.  And he
really helped my nervousness ease off.  I liked him.  But it was Jack’s mom I was most afraid of.  I knew that he got his more somber tones from her, that they would lock horns occasionally, both stubborn.  I also knew that she still didn’t see Jack as a grown up, or getting there anyway.  He was still her little boy.  Probably always would be in some ways.  And I suspected that she was nervous meeting me too.  Me.  The girl who stole her son’s heart.  I doubt she knew that I also stole his virginity.

Jack’s house was quiet.  No other kids running around, no crazy talking family members telling stories.  The TV wasn’t even on.  It was just me and them.  With Jack somewhere in the middle, holding his breath and pretending that he wasn’t going out of his mind with dread and curiosity and, well, anticipation.  He wanted his parents to like me, was afraid his mom would hate me, was even a little scared his dad’s goofy sense of humor would scare me off.  But his mom didn’t hate me.  And his dad’s sense of humor was just pe
rfect.  We all hit it off so well, that Jack had to pull me away from his parents so we could hang out in his room for a while.

It was great to finally see that part of him.  Now I could imagine him as we talked on the phone at night.  I could see him
in my mind laying on his bed or sitting in the chair fiddling with his guitar.  His room was subdued.  Yeah, that’s a good way to describe it.  Lots of dark blues.  Not too many posters or personal stuff hanging around.  His room was pretty clean although I suspected that even if it got a little messy, he probably kept it fairly clean.  His mom probably made him keep it clean, or cleaned it herself.  You could tell that his parents had a little bit of money, not crazy money, but Jack was certainly an only child to parents who indulged in his whimsies.  Nice stereo, the most recent music and a cassette collection a DJ would be jealous of.  A TV of his own.  An Amp to go with his guitar.  He even had a waterbed.  It was definitely the room of a teenage boy. 

I didn’t really take much time looking at the details.  We talked a little.  We kissed a little. 
He played the guitar for me a little.  His mom brought us snacks (can you say massive cliché from the teenage movies?) probably checking to make sure that we weren’t doing anything we weren’t supposed to.

When we had spent the majority of the afternoon just han
ging out at Jack’s house, it was time for me to go home to freshen up for our date that night.  We were meeting the “gang” for a movie at Lee’s house.  As I went to thank his parents for letting me come over, Jack’s dad grabbed me up in a bear hug and told me how much he enjoyed meeting me.  He also thanked me for laughing at his bad jokes.  But the real shocker was when his mom hugged me as well.  Granted, people in the south have the tendency to hug instead of shake hands, but that is generally saved for the ones you really like.  When she hugged me, she told me that she really enjoyed meeting me and that she was glad that I was the one who made Jack so happy.  Whew!  When I looked at Jack, he had a big grin on his face, but also a hint of shock that his parents took so well to me.  He had never brought a girl home before and had no idea what to expect.  Well, I guess we could chalk that one up as a win.

*****

Jack had desperately hoped his parents could see what he saw in Suzy.  He wasn’t disappointed.  As he and Suzy walked out to the car, his dad gave him a thumbs up and winked.  But it was his mom who surprised him.  She looked so
happy
.  He guessed they would probably talk about them after they left for their date that night.  By the looks he was getting, he guessed it was a good thing.  And he was curious to hear what they had to say.

H
e was also completely enthralled with Suzy.  He loved watching her laughing with his dad and talking with his mom.  She just fell right in step with them all.  And for just a brief moment, he had a glimpse of what the future could be.  Holidays, family dinners, bringing the kids over to see grandma and grandpa.  It lasted only a couple of seconds, but the thought of having a real future with Suzy felt great.  It felt right.  And it scared the shit out of him.

Every time he looked at her, he got the most incredible fee
ling.  She looked as if a light shone around her, from her, like anything that was dark couldn’t survive when she smiled.  Honestly, he was in awe of her.  She was so real, and yet she was nothing like anyone he had ever known.  If this wasn’t true love, not just teenage puppy love, he didn’t know what was.

One of the things he loved about her was her indepen
dence.  Jack loved being with her, holding her, talking with her, but she also liked time to herself, just like he did.  She wasn’t like some of his friends’ girlfriends who couldn’t seem to breathe without her boyfriend.  No, that wasn’t her at all.  But he also knew that she was crazy about him.  He gave her something she craved more than anything.  Love.  He saw her as so confident, but he could hear doubt in her voice sometimes, doubt that he could love her so much.  Sometimes it felt like he was feeding a starving child, knowing how much she needed it, taking in as much as she could, but also being afraid love would leave her again.  He didn’t want to leave her.  He was glad he could be that for her because she was the exact same thing for him.

*****

When we got back to my house, Jack stayed out in the living room chatting with Mom while I got ready.  It was the beginning of June in south Louisiana.  You didn’t wear much makeup.  And you certainly didn’t dress up much.  It was too stinking hot for that.  But that didn’t mean I didn’t want to look nice.  I pulled my hair back in a French braid, brushed a little powder on my face and some mascara on my lashes and finished off with a little lip gloss.  I had already started getting a little tan, so I didn’t need any blush.  Besides, Jack said he didn’t care if I wore makeup or not, that I was pretty either way.  That suited me just fine.  After one last double check that I looked okay, I blew myself a kiss in the mirror and giggled as I headed down the hallway.  The day had gone so well, that I couldn’t help myself.  And hopefully, that night would go even better.

The plan was to go to Lee’s to watch a movie.  I hadn’t met his parents either, so I guess it was “meet the parent’s” day.  I knew that his dad was an interesting character.  Very picky.  Very tight and controlling.  They seemed nice enough, but I could never live with people like them.  It was like sitting in a room with springs that would go off at anytime.  No thanks.  No wonder Lee was a bit on the “odd” side and got his pants in a wad about the littlest things.  He would go nuts if he had to live at my house.

His parent’s had picked out “The Jagged Edge” to watch.  There were very few movies that could surprise me or keep me hanging on until the last minute, but that one got me.  Maybe it was because I had read so many books by then that very little could take me off guard.  Jack and I were sitting on the floor, propped up against the couch, his arms around me, but we were both very drawn into the movie.  I loved feeling him so close.

After the movie was over and we said our goodbyes (and li
stened to Lee tell us for the umpteenth time how awesome the drummer from Rush was), Jack and I headed back to my house.  I knew we had the night to ourselves since Mom was going out with her new boyfriend.  And we both knew what that meant.  We could be alone to do whatever we wanted.  And we wanted, trust me, we wanted.

Kissing Jack was still the same knee-weakening, mind mel
ting, insides exploding experience as it was the first time he kissed me, but I had a little more control over it now.  I swear that when he touched me, it felt like fire on the inside, but his touch was so smooth and warm, like the sensation of the best chocolate melting slowly on your tongue.  Yes.  It was that good.  I felt shivers of pleasure run through me every time I thought about it.