Back To You (27 page)

Just then Jack’s dad came from out of the back.  “Well look what the cat dragged in!  Jack, get over there and give that girl a big hug.  She looks like she is wasting away to nothing!  Aren’t they feeding you at that fancy school?”

“Yes, sir.  Good old Southern country cookin’.  I just keep myself busy so I don’t sit around and eat too much of it!”

Jack’s dad had already pushed Jack aside to come over and give Suzy a big hug.  Suzy wasn’t sure she had ever seen him quite that happy to see her.  Fortunately for Jack, his dad’s
distraction was enough for him to get his own body back under control.

“Ahem”, Jack cleared his throat so his dad would move out of the way.  “Can I get in there?”

Jack was not going to settle for a “friendly” hug.  He went all in and wrapped her in his arms.  He realized something he already knew, the feeling of holding her would always be as powerful as it was when they were younger.  Time and distance had not changed a thing.  She still fit perfectly against his body.  And she still smelled wonderful.

True to form, Jack kept his true thoughts to himself and maintained small talk with her.  T
he yogurt shop was definitely not the place to tell her how he felt.  Maybe they could go out, or she could come to his apartment.

Suzy stayed for about an hour, in between customers they continued to talk like not a day had gone by since they had seen each other.  When he waited on customers (impatiently, but he was still cordial to them), she sat at the closest table and watched him with a thoughtful look on her face.  To him, it seemed like she had something to say to him as well.  They def
initely needed to get out of there and talk.

When she left, they made plans to meet at Augustine’s later that night. 
It was all he could think about for the rest of the day.

*****

“Well, how did it go?”  Mom asked me when I got back home.

“Good.  A little weird, but good.”

“Why do you say weird?  What happened?”  Mom knew this was a big deal for me.  She tried to stay out of my love life, but the situation with Jack had always been more than just “my love life.”

“His dad came out and gave me a huge hug.  Like he hadn’t seen me in forever.  He was really glad to see me.”

Mom laughed, “well, it has been a while since you’ve seen him.”  She paused, “What about Jack?  Was he happy to see you?”

“Ummmm, yes...“

“Oh dear, what does that mean?”

“Well, either he was really happy to see me and didn’t want to come out from behind the counter because it would have been awkward, or he was nervous, or something.”

“Ah.  Probably the first one.  You never know with Jack.”  She smiled.  “There is still plenty for you guys to talk about.”

“We are meeting at Augustine’s later.  I guess I should take my shower soon.”

“Think you’ll be late?”

“It closes at two.  When have I ever left before then?”

Mom laughed.  “Just be careful.”

“Always am, Mom.”

Walking into Augustine’s later that night was a treat.  It felt like Old Home night.  I walked in by myself and immediately spotted Jack sitting at the same table we were at the first time I came into the bar a few months ago.  He had a pitcher of beer and a couple of glasses sitting in front of him.  The glass in front of him had already been filled and was half gone.

He stood up and gave me a hug. Damn he smelled good.  I hadn’t had time to settle in a chair before some people
I knew came up and started breaking in for hugs too.  Just enough to make it impossible to have a serious conversation with Jack.  So instead of talking about what was on our minds, we just hung out and had a good time.  I had never played darts before, so he showed me how.  After many missed shots and a lot of giggles, I finally managed to make most of the darts actually hit the dartboard.  When a good song came on the jukebox, a couple of guys I knew came up and swirled me around.  Augustine’s wasn’t a dance club and did not have a dance floor, but that wasn’t going to stop a bunch of half drunk nineteen year old guys from acting like idiots.  Except Jack.  He didn’t dance around with me.  He kept his distance and even pouted a little when he saw me laughing and having fun with everyone else too.

I was shocked when they made last call. 
Already?  I looked at Jack and he looked at me.  There was no way I was going to leave without at least getting some of our unspoken conversation out in the open.

“C’mon”, I grabbed his arm and tugged him toward the door.  “Lemme show you my new car.”

He smiled and stumbled along behind me.  He hadn’t had much to drink.  Just enough to loosen him up a little.  He even opened the driver’s side door to let me in before he dashed around to the passenger side.

We sat for a second and admired all of the basic stuff you get in a car.  I was so excited to have my own car that even if it wasn’t a super nice car, it was mine, so that made it aw
esome.  After a couple of minutes of trying out everything like the radio, I took him for a spin around the block and parked right next to his Fiat.  I turned off the car, rolled down the windows and turned to face him.  As I did he took my hand in his.

“Suzy, there is something I want to talk about.”

Here it came.  That old feeling of my stomach dropping into my toes.  Why on earth did I have to get so freaking nervous when he looked at me that way?  I put my other hand on top of his.  “Okay.”

“I
’m confused.”  He stopped, looked around like the words he wanted to say were hanging in the air around him.

“How so?”

“I have been thinking about us.  About how we broke up.  About how I feel about you.  Oh hell, I don’t know.”

“And?”

“I want to try again.  Maybe it sounds stupid, but I think we should try going out.”

There it was.  The words I had longed to hear for almost three years.  Before I could say anything, he began rambling on.

“I don’t know if it would work with you living so far away.  I don’t even know if it would work period.  I love being with you.  I love being your friend.  And I would love for us to have something more again.  I don’t mean a serious relationship.  That would be silly with you being in Georgia...”

I put my hand over his mouth to shut him up.  I had wanted to hear this so badly for so long and
there I was shutting him up.  He really knew how to get me all screwed up inside, that was for sure.  “Shhhh. Don’t say anything else right now.”  And I leaned in to kiss him.  It was a tender kiss.  Soft and sweet.  And he seemed to melt right there in my car.  I needed to know if the connection we had was still really there between us.  From the kiss, I knew it was even more than I remembered.  Three years worth of frustration and worry, anger and sadness came to a screeching halt.  He moved his hand to caress my cheek with his fingers and kissed my forehead before he came back with another kiss.  This time it was full of passion and desire.  It was me that stopped the kiss before clothes started coming off.

“I think we should take this slow.”  I couldn’t believe the words were coming out of my mouth.  He looked confused.  “I can’t tell you how much I have wanted to hear you say that, but I don’t want to be a fling.  I don’t want any more regrets.  I want to know that this is the right thing for both of us.  Can you u
nderstand that?”

He hesitated.  “Yes.  Yes I understand.” He pulled back
a little and looked deeply in my eyes.  God, I loved looking at him. 

We kissed a while longer.  We even sat holding hands and saying nothing.  When it was time to go, my hormones were going nuts.  But I was not going to give in that easily.  With plans to talk in the morning, I watched him drive off in the opposite dire
ction I was headed in.  The world was spinning and I loved every second of it.

C
hapter 23

Taking things slow with Jack was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do.  Not that I HAD to, but I didn’t want to go into this full throttle and come out looking and feeling like an idiot like last time.

I had to find a job so I could pay for my car and insu
rance.  I refused to work at a fast food place, so I looked for other part time jobs.  I landed one at the local newspaper, stuffing ads in papers.  It was a great work out.

I
was still bored.  I did a little writing, but sitting around in my house all alone was not inspiring.  I got a second job working as a hostess at the Mexican restaurant chain in the mall.  I hoped that I could get a job at the one in Macon when school started back up. 

It was my time with Jack that I loved the most.  Between our jobs, we didn’t get to see each other every single day
, although we tried.  I would often meet him at his apartment when I was done with work.  Sometimes, we sat outside laughing as drunk people tried to jump the railroad tracks like they were in the Dukes of Hazzard or something.  We watched movies, held hands and kissed. 

I
t was awkward approaching the subject of sex.  It was obvious that we both wanted it.  However, we held back.  When he showed me his bedroom the first time I went to his place, I had no idea what to expect.  I looked around, noticing it was full of the things he loved the most.  His guitar and amp, his stereo, a couple of posters of Metallica.  His bed was half heartedly made up and most of his clothes were neatly folded if not put away.  The table next to his bed had a few random things on it.  I noticed that there was an empty place that looked like it was usually occupied.  A part of me wanted to grab him and throw him on the bed, but that part of me wasn’t strong enough to overcome the still shy and scared person I was when Jack was around confusing my senses.  Instead of tossing him on the bed, we went back out to his couch and watched a movie. 

As we watched movies, sometimes we would get into deep discussions like when we watched
A
Clockwork Orange
.  I had recently read the book, so it was a great discussion.  He got so passionate about the topic that we were lost in conversation for a couple of hours after the movie.  Other times, I could feel him looking at me.  Sometimes he looked away when I turned to him, other times he didn’t.  The best times were when I would catch him staring and he would kiss me.

*****

Jack loved it when Suzy came over after work.  She always smelled like a combination of Mexican food and her own sweet scent.  She was different than when they had dated in the past.  She was more confident and open.  They used to talk for hours on the phone back in high school, but talking to her now was even more interesting.  Back in high school it was getting to know each other.  Now it was engaging in intellectual conversations or laughing at something she saw or did at work or in school.  He had always known she was too smart for her own good.  She intimidated lots of people, including him.  Now he was sucked right back under her spell as she dropped her guard and let him back into her life.

He wonder
ed where their relationship was headed, if anywhere.  He knew he wanted more, but he couldn’t say that to her.  Not yet.  She was so sure of what she wanted out of life, and he wasn’t sure about anything.  He had no idea what he wanted to do with his life.  His male pride prevented him from even thinking about just packing up and moving to Macon.  He didn’t want to be a loser who followed his girlfriend while she became a success.  And yet, being near her was so intoxicating that he dared not think about how he would feel as she headed back to Macon.  He was willing to take things slow because he knew that she thought as much about her future as he did.

That did
n’t mean it was easy holding back.  He desperately wanted to take her into his arms and make wild and crazy love to her every time he saw her.  When she came over, she would glance at his bedroom door and blush.  He knew she was thinking about it too.  Not having sex was hard but in many ways it kept things from getting more complicated.  Sex had the tendency to make all relationships change.  Jack loved what he had with Suzy.  All of their talking and laughing was so much more than anything he’d ever had with any other girl.  He didn’t want to ruin that.

But still, he remember
ed what it felt like to touch her naked body, to kiss her breasts and to feel her moist warmth as he moved inside of her.

*****

My time at home was getting short.  My feelings for Jack were getting stronger and more confused.  Being with him felt so right, and yet, there was something that kept it from being perfect.  The words we didn’t say.  The elephant in the room.  I knew that something had to give.  It was wonderful having any kind of relationship with him, but it was time to make some choices.  We couldn’t stay like this forever.  One of us would explode.

Jack’s favorite pizza place was in Baton Rouge, a
forty-five minute drive away.  He was craving it, so one day when we were both off work, we hopped into his car and headed to Baton Rouge.  It was a dreary rainy day.  Jack was always listening to music that surprised me.  Maybe I shouldn’t say surprised because I knew his tastes were varied.  That day he was listening to a mix of somber songs.  I knew that Jack wasn’t the greatest singer in the world, but he wasn’t the worst.  It was comforting to hear him half sing/half hum along to the music in the car.  Occasionally I would pipe up and sing along if I knew the words. 

It was hard to hold hands in his car since he had to shift gears, especially since he
loved to go the rural roads instead of the interstate.  I kept my hands in my lap as we chatted, avoiding the topic that we both knew needed to come up soon.

S
pending time with him was a double-edged sword.  He was moody and grumpy at times, a total goofball sometimes, a big dreamer on occasion and other times he was a deep thinker.  I guess the dreary weather and somber music gave way to deep thinking on his part.  We had unusual bouts of silence as we listened to the slapping of the windshield wipers.  He tried to make small talk about the music, the weather, anything he could. 

If I had learned nothing else th
at summer, I learned that there was absolutely no way I could ever love another man like I loved Jack.  Which really presented a problem.  A part of me wanted to throw everything to the wind, dare to say how strong my feelings for him had grown, and beg him to start a life with me.  A part of me was finally getting to know this beautiful talented woman I was becoming and did not want to let go of that freedom just yet.  There was still so much I wanted to do in college before I settled down for the rest of my life. 

T
here was also a part of me that was screaming to be heard, but I continued to bury it.  That was the part that told me he wasn’t ready.  I could have been wrong, but that amazingly acute and extremely annoying “women’s intuition” wouldn’t leave it alone.  And that same women’s intuition was also telling me that I wasn’t ready either.  That left the question that hung in the air…Where did we go from there?

*****

Jack knew that they had to talk.  That night.  There was so much he wanted to say to her but he didn’t know how.  He was stuck in a rut when it came to his life, his future.  When he was with her, she made him forget all of that.   But after she would leave, he remembered all too well that he wasn’t good enough for her.  What kind of life could he provide?  Was she ready?  Was he?  And when he would think about letting her go, giving her the freedom she craved, he was lost inside.  A life without her was impossible to fathom.  A life with her was impossible to create.

Suzy seemed so happy and content when she was with him.  Jack knew that she would give up too much to be with him.  He couldn’t allow that to happen.

When they got back to his apartment, they started discussing a movie to watch. 

“Jack...” 

“Suzy...” They began at the same time.

Suzy giggled.  “You go first Jack.”

He smiled.  “I have a better idea.  Let’s skip the movie and go listen to some new music.”

“Sure.  I thought we listened to the latest of your greatest in the car.”

“Actually, it’s something I have been working on.”  He took her hand and started to lead her to his room.

“You are writing again?”

“Don’t get too excited.  I am still working on technique.  Now sit.”

Suzy sat on his bed.  “Don’t you need the lights on to see the guitar?”

“Nope.  Close your eyes.”

She heard a lighter and smelled candles a few seconds later.  “Mmmmmmmm” she moaned.

“Keep ‘em closed.”  He turned on the amp, picked up his guitar and began to play softly.  It was a piece that had classical tones that he had been working on.  It was still rough around the edges.

“Nice.”  She said, eyes still closed.

“It is for you.  I see your smile in my mind when I play this.  I was thinking of you the other day while I was playing around with the guitar and this is what came out.  Do you like it?”

“Jack, it
’s beautiful.”  She paused.  “It sounds a little sad.” 

“That was when I started thinking about you going back to school.”

Suzy started to say something but Jack stopped her by putting a finger on her lips.  “Shhh.  No talking.  Just keep your eyes closed.”  Jack finished the song on a soft note and leaned in to kiss her lips.  He set the guitar to the side and moved closer to Suzy without breaking the kiss.  Sliding his arms around her, he began to lean her back onto his pillows, deepening the kiss.  Soon they were both so engaged in the kiss that neither cared about what time it was.

Jack broke the kiss to nuzzle her neck in just the place she loved the most, extracting a moan and
her moving closer to meet his body with her own.  As he moved around from her neck back to her lips, he began to ease his hand under her shirt to touch the smooth skin of her stomach.  His thumb rubbed the wire of her bra, teasing the sensitive skin of her breast.

Suzy arched her back so Jack could release her from the bra.  She couldn’t stop the shudder of anticipation as she felt his hands push away her clothes.  Her hands began to slide under his
t-shirt, feeling their way to the waist of his jeans.  In a burst of courage she shifted her weight, rolled him so his back was on the pillows and she was straddling him, kissing him and teasing him with her tongue working her way to his neck and chest, stopping to tease his nipples with her teeth.  Her hands moved to his waistband, unbuttoning the top and undoing the zipper.  She sat up to remove her shirt and bra, showing him her curves in the candlelight.  She could feel him hold his breath while he took it all in.

As the rest of their clothes came off, they both forgot about the conversation they needed to have.  This passion had been a long time coming. 
They allowed themselves to be swallowed up in the wave.  Jack explored every inch of her, remembering her birthmark on her thigh, learning the new and more developed curves of her breasts.  He tasted her sweetness before he entered her.

She whispered his name and pulled him closer to her.  She opened her eyes to look back at his.  His eyes were dark with need, the gold standing out in the light from the candles.  He looked back into hers, now a bright green blue, begging him to take her.  At that moment there were no words to describe
what they wanted.  They didn’t need words.  It was very clear how they both felt.

Later, wrapped in each other’s arms,
Suzy fell asleep. She was so peaceful when she slept.  Jack buried his face in her hair and took a deep breath. 

He whispered into her hair.  “I will never love another wo
man like I love you.  It’s my curse and my blessing.”  At the sound of his voice, she snuggled closer to him in her sleep.  “Don’t leave me.”  He sighed.  It was almost a question.

But Suzy didn’t hear him, she was lost in her dreams.

*****

I woke up alone.  I was tangled up in the sheets of the man I knew I would love forever, his scent all around me, the memory of the incredible night we shared making me smile.  As I came back to life, I could smell breakfast.  Jack was cooking brea
kfast for me!  By the smell of it, bacon and eggs and maybe toast?  I sat up clutching the sheet to my chest just as he was walking into the room with two plates in his hands.

“Good morning sunshine!”  He was beaming.

“Good morning back.  You cooked breakfast?”  No one other than my family had made breakfast for me.

“I did.  I am still learning so try not to complain too much.”

“I would never...”

“You haven’t tasted it yet.”

It was actually pretty good.  Really good.  I must have looked shocked.

“Surprised?  Mom has been teaching me a few things here and there.  The rest I just experiment with.”

“Experiment?”  I looked down at the eggs with suspicion.