Back To You (10 page)

*****

Dinner went well.  The nerves settled down and the conversation stayed lively.  And because we were all engaged in the discussion, I didn’t have to eat much.  Not that I could anyway.  There was one point when I was telling them about how Poops survived being in the humane shelter when we got her and how sick she was at first, that I could feel Jack looking at me.  I almost forgot what I was saying because the intensity of his look was penetrating me to the core.  This was not good.  No wait this WAS good.  Very good.  It was like I could read his mind. 
I know, Jack.  I feel it too.

Since the movie was showing at the mall theatre, we went to hang out at the mall until the movie started.  In Ha
mmond, there weren’t many places to hang out.  Basically it was the mall and Kmart parking lot.  So we saw a ton of people from school.  I was on cloud nine.  Here was this really gorgeous guy holding MY hand and I got to show off just a little.  I even saw Pete and Joel.  But I didn’t care.  I had futilely drooled over Pete for a couple of years, and now I just didn’t seem to care.  Although it made me a little bit happier when he stopped his conversation and looked at us.  He gave a brief wave to me and had a strange look on his face as he looked at Jack.  There, I thought.  That’s what you get for wasting so much time. 

When it was time f
or the movie, we sat in the back of the theatre.  Not that it was private or anything.  Every single person who came through the door could see who was sitting in the first few seats on the back row.  Fortunately, Sunny sat on the end.  Then Randy.  Then me with Jack sitting the furthest in the row.  Randy and Jack got us all Cokes to drink and sat down just as the previews were beginning. 

Not too far into the movie, I
decided Jason Patric was my new favorite actor.  Keifer Sutherland was hot, and a good actor, but Jason Patric was absolutely to die for.  But all thoughts of Jason went out the window when Jack asked if I minded that he put his arm around me.  Did I mind?  Are you kidding me?  Did a giraffe have a short neck?  I leaned in a little closer to him so he could get his arm around me without putting his hand on Randy’s shoulder.  I could see some of our friends making out in the dark, their silhouettes quite obvious in the light from the screen.  I wondered if Jack would try to kiss me.  I also wondered if having pizza and Coke breath was offensive to him.  And no matter how I tried, I could not get over how good he smelled and how warm his hands were.  The anticipation was killing me. 

After the movie was over, we took Sunny home first since she lived closest to the mall.  Randy was staying over at Jack’s that night, so I was next to be dropped off.  I dreaded it.  I wanted him to drive slow, take the long way around, anything to keep this night from ending.  I sighed quietly as he pulled into my driveway.

“Let me walk you in.”  He said.

“That would be great.”  Were my feet actually touching the ground?  Was I dragging them, putting off the inevitable?  I got out my keys and unlocked the door.  He had left the car ru
nning with Randy listening to the radio.  He wasn’t planning on staying long.  But he walked me into the living room leaving the door open a crack.  I set my purse on the table near the door and he came up behind me and put his arms around me.  He put his face on my hair and breathed deep.

“I had a great time tonight.”

My head was spinning from the feel of him so close.  “Me too.  Thanks for everything.”  I couldn’t turn around.  I didn’t want to move from his embrace.  He just fit perfectly around me.

“Are we
going to Monopoly’s tomorrow night?”  He asked.  I could feel his warm breath on my hair.

“Mmmm hmmm.”

“Good, then I will pick you up around seven?”

“I would love that
.”  I couldn’t breathe.

“Suzy.”  He turned me to face him.  He looked me in the eyes and touched my face with the back of his hand.  This
was it.  I knew if he didn’t kiss me I would absolutely explode.  I was nauseous.  My breathing was erratic.  My heart was pounding right out of my chest.  He pulled me into his arms and gave me a hug that was long and tight.  As he pulled away, he leaned in and touched his lips to mine.  My knees went weak.  The electricity that I felt when he touched me last weekend was nothing compared to this.  I’d had a few kisses, but this was amazing.  Magic.  He moved his hand up my back which made me tilt my head back even more.  As he pulled me closer, his kiss grew in intensity.  I felt his mouth open slightly and pull me in.  Even with the hint of the pizza left, he tasted wonderful.  I didn’t want to stop kissing him.  Ever.  My arms rested on his arms.  I moved in his embrace, pulling him closer, relishing the way his lips felt and his tongue as it teased mine.  He pulled back a little, gave me two more kisses that were no less intense even if they weren’t as deep.  He stroked my cheek with his thumb and looked at me with those pools of green gold eyes.  I didn’t want him to let go.  I wasn’t totally sure I could stand on my own two feet without him.  I could see the lights from the car and in the back of my mind I wondered if Randy could see us.  I didn’t care.

“See you tomorrow, then?”  He asked as he started through the doorway.

“Absolutely.”

“Good.  I can’t wait.  Can I call you?”

“Please.”

And he was out the door.  I knew that at that moment, the very instant he wrapped his arms around me and hypnotized me with his kiss, my
world was completely entangled in his.

*****

Jack sort of skipped to the car, smiling to himself.  He had never felt the way he did when he put his arms around her.  She fit into his embrace perfectly.  Like she was made to be there.  He didn’t want to leave, but he knew that Randy was waiting.  He could have held her and kissed her all night.  It was so much better than he had imagined.  She tasted so sweet.  Her kiss was like a drug, drawing him in with passion he wasn’t sure she even realized.  He barely spoke to Randy on the way back to his house.  He was lost in thoughts about a beautiful girl with wild blonde hair and stunning blue green eyes.  In the back of his mind, he knew that something inside of him changed.  He knew that his world just shifted and his life would never be the same.

*****

He called me later that night after he got home.  Randy was already passed out, but Jack couldn’t sleep.  Wasn’t even tired.  I knew the feeling.  We talked softly, both of us laying on our beds in the dark.  I don’t remember what we said to each other, but I knew how I felt.  I will never ever forget how I felt.  And not even hearing Mom come stumbling in after two am with Richard as they noisily headed to her room could make me feel any different.  I heard Mom pause at my door to make sure I was home and okay. 

“How did it go?”  She stage whispered.

Thumbs up.  She saw I was on the phone and turned to go to her room for a night of fun with Richard.  That was just fine with me.

I
had no idea how long we talked or when I fell asleep, but I woke up the next morning with my arm around my phone.  I was tired but felt like the world was mine to own.  It was a beautiful day.  And I would see him again tonight.  I couldn’t wait.

C
hapter 8

He picked me up to go to Monopoly’s the next night.  We danced and talked and kissed and just enjoyed the feeling of being with each other.  Our conversations were involved, both able to read each other’s thoughts and finish each other’s sentences.  We talked on the phone on Sunday.  It was hard not to see him at all on Sunday.  I just wanted to feel him near me.  Feel his arms around me, his lips on my skin.  There was something else I was feeling too, fear.  Every time I would think about him (which was ALL DAY) I would get this really wonderful feeling, tingly all over, and yet, I was afraid.  Not dangerous fear, but the kind that tells you ahead of time that this is something bigger than you realize.  That this will affect your life in one way or another.  That this one will hurt for a long time.

It had been nine days since he asked me out.  Nine.  We were talking on the phone right before bed,
wishing we were actually with each other.  I don’t even remember what we were talking about at first, but the conversation changed after a while.  There was a question I so desperately wanted to ask, but was afraid of the answer.  I asked anyway.

“Why me?”

*****

Jack hesitated.  He didn’t know how to answer.  It was too complicated, too deep, too emotional
, and he wasn’t sure how to deal with it.  He had to think about it for a second.

“I...um...I don’t know how to answer that.”  Was all he could get out.  He heard the disappointment in her sigh.  He ha
ted hearing that.  It was like a dagger in his side to think he had hurt her.  “Okay, here is the thing...”

“Umm hmm.” She said.

“You are so different from anyone I have met.  I have wanted to get to know you for a while.  Since the first time I saw you.  But I never thought you would go for a guy like me.”  Whew.  He said it.  Well, part of it.  He was going to have to work up some serious guts if she kept asking questions.

“I know the feeling.”  She paused.  “Different in a good way?”

“Definitely.  You don’t act like most of the girls at school.  You just seem so sure of yourself, not afraid of who you are.”  He heard her sort of half laugh.  “I think I have fallen in love with you, Suzy.”  Oh shit.  He said it.  He didn’t mean to.  He never should have blurted it out like that.  Oh God, he wanted to die right there.

*****

I froze.  Loved me?  ME?  I knew how I felt about him.  I knew that I was absolutely falling for Jack.  I even thought that maybe this insane feeling in my whole body was love.  I had thought I was in love before.  I thought I loved Pete.  But I was beginning to see that love was so much more than what I had ever felt before.  My hair and my toes tingled, I felt like melted butter when he kissed me.  Goosebumps came up when the phone rang.  And if it wasn’t him, a cold lump in my stomach took their place.  This wasn’t just feeling good all over, like in all of the books.  This was going absolutely nuts with emotions all over the place!  It wasn’t just fire burning in my nether regions.  This was fear, happiness, pure joy, more fear that I would say or do the wrong thing to make him want to leave.  That I didn’t kiss right or touch him the right way or say the right things.  That I would allow myself to open up and feel all of these things and then get my heart broken. 

This wa
sn’t an all consuming passion that overrode everything else like I had imagined after reading so many romance novels.    This was so much more.  Kind of like when I got Poops from the shelter.  I knew she was the one.  But in the back of my head, I told myself that to love something so precious meant that one day I would have to let her go.  That she would die, probably years down the road, and I would lose her forever.  On the way home with her snuggled in my arms, I felt that dread of the inevitable in the pit of my soul.  To love something so deeply that I knew my heart would shatter when it was lost was almost too unbearable for a ten year old girl.

But this?  I had dreamed of being loved.  Of finding Prince Charming.  Who ha
dn’t?  What young girl hadn’t wasted many hours thinking of the man who would love them in return?  The wedding plans?  What he would look like when he looked down at her and promised his love to her forever?  I understood that books were books.  If anyone ever really wrote out what this feeling (assuming it is love) really felt like, they would never sell their romance novels.  Who wanted to read about a fiery heroine feeling utterly and completely out of her element and drowning in doubts and fears.  Sure the passion was great.  Yeah, that part was pretty damn wonderful actually.  But the thought of losing something so wonderful would make most people stop and take stock.  Wouldn’t it?  Maybe it was just me.

“Jack.  I...wow...that is...”

“Wait, don’t say anything.  I’m sorry.  I never should have said that.”  He sounded awful.  Like I punched him or something.

I
giggled.  The tingles inside were flittering around like fireflies in the woods.  I could feel every single hair follicle on my head (which was A LOT).

“Jack, let me finish.”  He paused as I finished.  “I was going to say that I was feeling the same way but didn’t know how to say it.  And I certainly wasn’t thinking you felt the same about me.”  Big, no, HUGE, sigh on the other end of the line.

Jack chuckled. “Well, now that we got that out of the way...”

“Thank you.”  I whispered.

“For what?”

“For making me feel like I was worth loving.”  I could never explain that one, but I was overcome with so much em
otion at one time I wanted to cry.  Can’t cry in front of anyone, I thought, but dammit, I wished I could just let him fold me into his arms and hold me to his chest.

“Suzy, you are beautiful and intelligent and really funny.  I don’t know how I couldn’t have fallen in love with you.”

One single tear escaped.  I was afraid to talk.  He would hear it in my voice.  My parents had drilled into me that showing your vulnerability to others was exactly how they knew how to beat you down and hurt you.  Be strong and show nothing was their motto. 

And it happened.  Right there, in my room, sitting in the dark, talking on an old blue rotary phone, something inside of me cracked.  And I smiled.  I took it in and let it wash over me like an ocean wave crashing down.  I was right to be afraid of him, because he had already changed me.  Forced me to see something inside myself I refused to see.  And all of the
happiness I had been afraid to feel enveloped me.

“In nine days?  You are telling me that in nine days, you b
elieve you love me like that?”

“Absolutely.  Actually it was less than nine days, but I didn’t want to admit that.”

“Oh, Jack.  I love you too!”  I don’t remember a single thing we talked about after that.  Very few memories will plant themselves so deeply into your soul that you will always remember the song that was playing and the way you were sitting and every single detail about the moment.  But this was one of them.  I knew I would carry that memory with me for the rest of my life.

*****

Jack hung up the phone that night feeling, different.  Giddy.  Giggly.  Ready to stand up and do a dance around the room. 
Oh my God, I am acting like a girl
, he thought to himself.  He was so afraid that she would think he was nuts for falling for her so fast. 
She must be used to it
, he thought.  But the sound of her voice and the way she said she loved him too was amazing.  He wanted to fly.

He was never going to get any sleep.  He never felt this way before.  It ha
d to be love to feel so crazy like this!  For the rest of the night he pictured her smile and the way her eyes sparkled when she talked about something that made her excited and the way her hair fell over her shoulders and how she tilted her head back when something really made her laugh.  Even as he dozed off for a while, he imagined her kiss and the way she touched his chest.

*****

When I saw Jack waiting for me by the classroom, my heart skipped a beat.  He grabbed me and hugged me tight.  And then...he kissed me!  Right there in front of everyone!  Even though we could have gotten into a lot of trouble if any of the teachers saw us.  I didn’t care.  He loved me.  And I loved him.  And all was right in the world.

The next few weeks passed quickly.  We spent as much time together as possible.  We ate lunch together.  We talked on the phone.  We laughed and talked about serious things.  And the phys
ical attraction kept getting more intense.

We h
ung out with our friends too.  We had another friend named Lee, who was dating Lindsey.  Lindsey was quiet and spent a lot of time watching other people.  She was taller than I was and skinnier too.  But I guess in her shyness, she hid her body from others and slouched her shoulders forward.  Maybe it was because she was guarded or maybe it was because she was shy.  It was always fun when she would finally crack and start talking and laughing with us.  Randy had found a girlfriend.  Her name was Paulette.  She had dated one of Randy’s oldest and best friends and dumped him to date Randy.  It was a bit awkward knowing that, but Randy just spent more time with us and less time with his old friend.  Paulette was not quiet.  Nor was she tall.  She was shaped a lot like a pear.  Not overweight, but small on the top and wider at the hips.  She had dark brown hair and really dark brown eyes.  We rarely spent any time at her house, or Lindsey’s for that matter.  It was always mine or Randy’s house where everyone congregated.  Randy didn’t have a lot of money, but he and his dad were always on top of new technology.  They had the first VCR of us all.  Since I lived closer to town and Mom was always out late at night, we would usually all pile up in my living room and watch movies until dawn, eating pizza and drinking as much Coke as we could consume.  When it was break time between movies, we listened to music.  Jack was the one in charge of the music so he introduced us to a lot of new sounds. 

Spring break was absolutely gorgeous.  The weather was
warm.  Riding around in Jack’s Fiat with the top down was one of our favorite things to do when we were alone.   I was having so much fun!  The car wasn’t exactly conducive to making out, so we usually ended up at my house, alone, to do that.  I hated my mom’s lifestyle most of the time, but I thanked God for little miracles that we had a place to go to so I could experience my own little piece of heaven entangled in his arms on my couch.  We decided not to have sex yet.  We were both a little nervous to bring it up, being that we were both virgins.  Besides, we were totally enjoying experiencing all of the exciting steps leading to sex.  Touching, kissing, feeling, rubbing.  It was all very nice indeed.

As summer approached, he told me that he was going to be going on a vacation to California with his family.  I missed him so much while he was gone.  We couldn’t talk on the phone while he was in California.  It was a horrendously long week.  I moped.  Yes, I admit it, I MOPED.  Even Mom noticed.  Sure, my friends tried to cheer me up
.  We still got together to watch movies, but I was curled up in a ball on the end of the couch while Lee held Lindsey’s hand and Randy had Paulette lean back on his chest so he could kiss her hair.  I was miserable.  Utterly and completely miserable.  I had it bad.

I thought I was going to jump out of my skin every time the phone rang on the day he was supposed to be back in town.  I stare
d at the phone, willing it to ring, and then got completely pissed off when it wasn’t him.  I told myself to get a life and stop acting like one of “those” girls.  Maybe it was because he was like a drug to me.  If that was the case, I would rather be addicted to him than anything else in the world.  I didn’t even have school to keep me occupied.  I read four books that week.  Pathetic, I know.

FINALLY, he called.  He couldn’t come over that night b
ecause his mom wanted him to hang out and unpack and stuff.  But he said he would be by the next day.  We talked about his trip and how romantic the ocean was and how he wished I had been there with him.  And how his mom drove him crazy, but he had fun anyway.  He had decided that one day he wanted to live there in Southern California.

When he came over the next day, I was beside myself with excitement.  Obviously I had been daydreaming about his eyes and his smile and that rumbly laugh he had and about how good he a
lways smelled.  But I wanted to FEEL him.  I couldn’t even wait for him to get out of the car before I ran out of the front door to him.  He picked me up into one of his great big bear hugs and held me close.  When he put me down, he looked at me, touched my face with his hand and said, “I missed you so much.”  And he kissed me.  Heaven.

A couple of days later, we were invited to hang out at a friend’s pool.  I wore my pink two-piece with ruffles on the front.  Having to wear swimsuits in front of other people during my visits to California had gotten me over my shyness to wear it, but I was exci
ted to have Jack see me wear it.  While we were there, he snuck up behind me in the pool and held me from behind.  I turned around and wrapped my legs around his waist and he kissed me deeply.  After the kiss he leaned into me and whispered in my ear, “Ever thought about having sex in the water?”