Back To You (26 page)

*****

“Oh my God.”  Dan said as he put his beer down and his mouth dropped open.  Jack had his back to the door and wasn’t sure what Dan was looking at.  When he turned around, he saw Suzy walking in.  His heart began to race.  He couldn’t move.

Randy hopped up and immediately went to Suzy for a big hug.  Josh stood up from the table and waited as she a
pproached them.  He hugged her close and kissed her cheek.  They shared a secret smile that set a fire inside of Jack.  She hugged Dan next, who was almost drooling with his mouth hanging open. 

When she looked at Jack, she hesitated.  Jack was frozen in place.  After a second, he smiled and opened his arms we
lcoming her into them for a big hug.  He wasn’t blind to the flash of emotions that passed across her beautiful face.  He felt every single one of them as well.  But she stepped forward anyway.  A slight shiver went through him as he took in her scent.  He didn’t want to let her go.

The group of them spent the rest of the night laughing and telling stories of what they had done since she left.  Megan had gone to LSU in Baton Rouge, so there were plenty of stories to share b
etween just the two of them.  Jack just listened.  Suzy’s smile and laughter created a light around her as he watched her talk about dorm life with a bunch of women.  He smiled and joined in the fun.

Jack wasn’t sure what made him look, but at some point he realized that Josh was holding Suzy’s hand.  All of the good feelings he had drained right out, leaving the cold hard reality that he was alone and (
could it be?
) jealous.

When he got home that night, he berated himself for feeling jealous
.  Stupid fool, he thought, she doesn’t belong with you anymore.  You can’t keep feeling like this whenever you see her.  It isn’t right.  It isn’t fair.  To either of us.  She has moved on.  You haven’t.  You tried, but you just haven’t
, he told himself.  It was a crushing thought.

He only saw her a couple more times before she headed back to school.  The last time was New Year’s Eve at Augu
stine’s.  He had a little too much beer and his thinking was clouded, or maybe it was more clear than it had been in a long time.  The urge to grab her as they sang Auld Lang Syne and kiss her like he had wanted to for quite some time was overwhelming.  He reached for her.  She was looking back at him with the same longing in her eyes (he hoped), but it was too late.  Josh had her in his arms first.  It was at that moment that he realized how badly he wanted her back in his life. Permanently.  But Jack had no idea how to accomplish that.  His pride and fear kept him at arm’s length.  Maybe he just wasn’t good enough for her.  But he could change that.  She would be back in the summer.  He had a little time to figure things out.

C
hapter 22

Since I had already said goodbye to the life I knew in Hammond back in August, it was easier to leave to go back to Wesleyan.  Easier, but not easy.  I had always felt like I was the weak one in relationships, especially with Jack.  He made me weak in the knees from the night I felt the electricity pulse through us, but this time I could see that he was the one feeling weak.  I felt ashamed to hold Josh’s hand the first night at Augustine’s.  But there was also a little bit of spite in with the shame.  I WANTED Jack to be jealous.  I wanted him to realize what he gave away.  I wanted him to WANT me.  The trouble was that I succeeded in exactly that.

New Year’s Eve brought me right back to the night at Monopoly’s when he touched my arm and asked me to dance.  The rest of the room completely disappear
ed.  I broke out in a cold sweat.  I wanted nothing more than to hold onto the emotion I saw in his eyes.  The desire, the longing, the NEED.  Then Josh grabbed me to plant a New Year’s kiss on my lips.  It was a great kiss, but it wasn’t what I wanted.  It wasn’t WHO I wanted.

Something shifted that night.  I had always
loved Jack.  I had always prayed that one day he would want me back.  That we could find the passion that went way beyond a teenage romance.  I was a hopeless romantic that way.  The pain and love I felt went very deep when it came to Jack, obviously.  But that night it shifted from the longing of a teenage girl to a certain knowledge that our love was far from over.  That we were destined for each other.  I thought the same thing when I was sixteen, but that thought was what drove a wedge between us.  This feeling was different.  It was an inner KNOWING that I was right.  And that left me in more turmoil than ever. 

I was afraid that if I pursued this feeling
, I might drive him away.  If he had ANY idea of how strong my feelings were, he would probably run screaming.  Or would he?  Was I ready for that kind of commitment when I lived so far away and had the chance of a lifetime to pursue my lifelong dreams?  Would he wait?  Would he want to move to Macon?  Would we be able to weather the time and distance and changes our lives would encounter over the next three years?  And most of all, was I completely wrong about the way he looked at me?  I was driving myself crazy with those thoughts.

I dove back into college life, putting as much of my e
nergy and time into finding the real me through hard work and inner exploration.  My classes were challenging, but not so much that I couldn’t manage A’s and B’s again.  I was active in the theatre, secretly dreaming of the chance to get on stage to see how it really felt.  I was conquering my personal demons about singing in public as I continued to perform with Washboard Band.  And I even submitted a little of my writing to the annual publication of fine arts.  Carrie and I became even better friends.  I told her about my dilemma with Jack.  And she knew where my mind was when she would catch me staring off out of the window.

It was nighttime that was the hardest.  I kept myself so busy during the day, but when
I tried to go to sleep, the reality of the situation with Jack would come crashing into my dreams.  More than once I woke up in a sweat, trying to shake off the haunting look in his beautiful hazel eyes.  The physical desire would go crazy as my subconscious mind took control.  I dreamed of his arms around me, his weight on top of me as he made love to me, his sweet kisses burning a trail down my neck.  But I also dreamed that he was pulling away from me that something invisible kept us apart, preventing us from finding true happiness.  Dreams of clocks ticking, hearing the words “it isn’t the right time”, seeing him turn from me and walk away tortured me.  And no matter what the dream was, I was consumed by the golden green of his eyes.  I would drown in them and the way they made me feel.  I could hear him speaking to me.  Like he was saying the words I saw in his eyes on New Year’s Eve.  The words he wouldn’t say out loud.  I was lost in them as each night crept up on me.

*****

He was damned.  Damned if he did and damned if he didn’t.  Should he write?  Call?  Do nothing?  Drive himself insane with indecision?  He felt like a fool.  Should he call Suzy and tell her of his intentions to win her back?  Or should he try to prove to himself and the rest of the world that he was worthy to earn her love?  He was stuck in a town with little prospects, no desire for college life, and a great big huge blob of misty indecision on what to do with his life right in front of him.

He wanted to
call her mom to get Suzy’s phone number and address, but something stopped him before he could finish dialing the number.  He felt like he had a barrier between him and his ability to tell Suzy how he felt.  He couldn’t stop thinking about how he had no prospects in life.  No career choice.  No drive for furthering his education like she did.  Honestly, Suzy amazed him.  He was in awe of her bravery and determination to follow through with her dreams.  She found the strength to break the chains that could hold anyone to the small town life.  She fought the vacuum of Hammond sucking ambition out of you, making you complacent and forcing you to give up hope of ever becoming more than a shell of who you dreamed of being.

As the days crawled back to the heat of spring, Jack was at war with himself.  He found solace in playing his guitar.  He went to work at the yogurt shop.  He avoided contact with friends unless he was in the mood to hang out at Augustine’s.  He desperately wished that a revelation of what he would be d
oing as a career ten years from then would pop into his head and give him motivation to work towards SOMETHING.  He dreamed of Suzy, imagining what it would be like to be married to her, building a life with her, having kids, growing old together.  But there were holes in his dreams.  She was a shooting star destined for greatness.  Anyone knew that if they just read any of her work and knew her personally.  He didn’t want to hold her back by being a great big nothing.  He had too much pride for that.

*****

Spring brought lots of activity at Wesleyan.  I was elected to be on a committee where each class elects five people to write, choreograph, direct and produce a one act play.  The play was to be comedic in nature, but I also wanted to have a deeper level of meaning in the play we put on for the community.  Our late night brainstorming created something more unique than any other performance in the history of Wesleyan.  We didn’t win that year, but we did get plenty of accolades and comments on the ingenuity of the play.  It was a personal triumph for me!

After that
, the seniors who were majoring in theatre had to direct a one act play.  I auditioned and got a role as the comic relief in one of the plays.  Throughout the year, I had become a permanent fixture in the theatre.  I had worked lights and sound, been a part of the backstage madness with props and backdrops, and finally had my chance to be on stage.  It was a blast!  Being involved in live theatre was different than I thought it would be in a lot of ways.  I never expected to feel the power of the energy from a live audience quite like I did.  I had always dreamed of being a singer or an actress on Broadway, but I never thought I would actually do it because of my fear of failure.  It was awesome!  Becoming a completely different person for a couple of hours, hiding behind makeup and costumes and yet being yourself in front of all of those people was a complete rush.  I had found a new love.

I loved my classes.  Well, sometimes I didn’t love the work or the topics, but as a whole, I loved being a part of the magical world of Wesleyan.  I knew as I got further into my d
egrees, my class sizes would get smaller and more individualized, but they were already small enough to allow the students to voice opinions and have real discussions.  It was an interactive experience, and it was absolutely the perfect place for me.

By the end of my freshman year, I beg
an to see someone else in the mirror.  Someone who was strong and beautiful, capable of doing anything she wanted to, able to make a difference in the world.  In high school, I was part of a few clubs, but I never really put myself out there and got involved.  I was finally doing something that I knew would make all of the difference in the world.  I was learning to be a leader, to ask questions without fear of being laughed at, to use the intelligence I had to apply it to something that mattered.  I knew the day I said goodbye to Mom in the hallway of Persons dorm, my life would change.  It was my own image of myself that changed the most.  Courage and strength in addition to still being “nice” allowed me to be more than just a face in the crowd.  I had spent so many years struggling with the woman inside of me that wanted to break free, that I was shocked to see that I had actually broken the chains that I had locked myself into.  I was stepping out of the box I had put myself in and allowing the woman on the inside become who I was on the outside too.  It felt great.

Before
I knew it, finals had come and gone, leaving dark circles under the eyes of every student from all-nighters and stress induced insomnia.  I think I slept for almost an entire day after they were over!  It was time to say goodbye to friends who would not be returning next year, and making plans with the ones who would.  It was also time to pack our crap and head home.  Fortunately, Carrie’s parents said they would keep a lot of the things I didn’t need to haul home at their place.  We said goodbye to the ancient building that was our home for nine months, Person’s dorm.  After your freshman year, you got to move to one of the other dorms that were set up as suites with a shared bathroom between two rooms instead of dashing down the hallway.  Carrie and I put in to be roomies again.  I just hoped we got the room we wanted.  First floor, corner room, by the side entrance to the dorm.  With a view of the lake.  Yeah.  Fingers crossed when we turned in the application for that one!

Mom came to get me.  So we packed the car full of my stuff and headed back to Hammond for the summer.  Two major things were getting ready to happen.  One, I was going to finally get my own car
(and my license), and two, I was going to get a job to pay for the car I was getting!  I was also preparing to face the demon I had been harboring for a few months.  I was going to see Jack.  We had not spoken since New Year’s Eve.  All I knew was that the feeling that had settled itself deep in my heart was as strong as ever, even if a little bit of doubt shadowed it.

The next day was absolutely insane. 
Mom got me up early so we could go get my driver’s license.  Melissa had been preparing me for the test.  I aced it with flying colors!  Then we headed to a local car lot.  We found a decent little car for five grand.  I was out of my mind excited and immediately had a list of people to go see.  I would see Megan in a couple of days because she had finals a week later than I did.  Randy was already in Phoenix, but he was coming back for a visit at some point during the summer.  Still, I was excited to see some friends from high school and catch up on how their lives had changed since going to college.  Honestly, I was sort of excited at the thought to show off the “new me” that walked a little taller and talked a little stronger.  Not to mention the fact that I was looking even better than ever.  I wasn’t being snotty or vain.  I just felt good about who I was becoming and the changes I was making. 

*****

Jack was anxious.  He knew Suzy would be back in town any day.  He had absolutely no idea how he was going to feel or act when he saw her again.  Not much had changed for him in the last few months.  He was still working at the yogurt shop.  He still hadn’t made any long term plans for his life.  He was frustrated with himself for that.

It was another boring shift at work when a maroon Dodge Lancer pulled into the parking lot.  He hadn’t seen that car before so he knew it wasn’t a regular.  He just hoped it wasn’t a bunch of kids that would make a
big mess for him to clean up.  It wasn’t.

He couldn’t see the driver very well because they parked just out of his view.  What he did see was the long blonde hair that was blown by the hot breezes that came through this time of year.  His heart stopped a moment.  Could it be?  His mouth went dry. 
Oh why didn’t I wear something a little nicer?
He thought.  And then he saw her.  She was just as stunning as she was at Christmas, only today she had on shorts and a mid-drift shirt that showed a hint of her stomach.  Jack felt his body respond immediately.  To him, she could have just walked off the pages of a magazine.  He was glad that he had the counter to help hide his obvious erection.  Nothing, however, could hide the flood of emotion that settled on his face.  She held herself differently.  She was more confident in her walk.  She hesitated for just a second before opening the door and coming in from the bright sun outside. 

When she saw him, she smiled and said, “Hey!”

“Hi yourself!”  Jack quipped back.  “New car?”

“Yep.  Well, not NEW new, but new to me.”

“Freedom on wheels, ain’t it great?”  Jack smiled back at her, leaning on the counter to support his weak knees.

“I wouldn’t know.  Just got it today.”  Suzy laughed.

“Life will never be the same.  I guess I should warn people you are hitting the roads?”

“Ha. Ha. Ha.  I
’m a good driver I’ll have you know.”

“Hmm”, Jack said.  “We
’ll see about that.”