Back to Reality (15 page)

Chapter 17
   

             
Emily told the operator that she had made a mistake and hung up the phone.  We all stood gaping at the sonogram picture.  Emanuel’s grip on me tightened as Ashlyn took another step forward and put the sonogram in his outstretched hand.

“
We’re having a baby,” Ashlyn revealed almost happily.
Oh shit,
I thought as I took a deep breath.

“What?” Emanuel
asked in shock, analyzing the picture.

“We. Are. Having. A. Baby,” Ashlyn repeated evenly with measured pauses.

“I-I heard you. But how? I don’t…” Emanuel stammered. He released his arm from around me and ran his hand through his hair. “Are you sure?”

“
Look at the picture. I’m very sure.”

Handing the sonogram to Emily, Emanuel turned to walk into the living room.  Both hands rested on his head as he walked away and then came immediately back. “We haven’t had sex in months. How--?” He gestured frantically to the photo.

“I’m four months pregnant. If you’ll recall, we were happy and in love before she popped up and ruined everything. Do the math Manny. But in your heart you know this is your child.”

“
What the fuck is going on?” Emanuel muttered under his breath as he squeezed his eyes shut.

Taking the sonogram from Emily’s hand, Anthony analyzed it before offering
to no one in particular, “Seems legit.”

Feeling my heart thrum in my chest, I inhaled deeply. “Let’s give them a chance to talk privately,” I exhaled, forcing the words out with discarded air.

“Sahara…” Emanuel breathed, looking at me. His hands were instantly cupping my face.

Forcing a smile and covering his hands with mine, I
murmured, “It’s obvious you two have some things to talk about.” Turning my head and kissing his palm, I walked away with Emily and Anthony on my heels. We all turned around when we heard Emanuel’s voice.

“Don’t touch me,” he barked and took a step back.

Ashlyn put her hands up in front of her.  “Okay, Manny. I won’t touch you.  I know this isn’t how we planned it. But everything happens for a reason. We are going to be parents…” She touched her stomach for emphasis. “We have to at least talk about this. It’s not about you and what you want anymore. It’s about this baby that we created.”

Don’t cry. Don’t cry. Don’t cry,
I coached myself as I give Emily a brief hug. “I think I’m going to call it a night,” I managed to choke out softly before retreating to the guest bedroom.

By time I closed the door behind me, I felt like my chest was caving into itself.  I couldn’t take a full breath. 
Inhale 1, 2, 3, 4, 5…Exhale 5, 4, 3, 2, 1…Focus, focus, focus…Breathe, breathe, breathe,
I coached myself as I searched my bag for my anti-anxiety medication.  Trying to open the cap with shaky hands, I felt faint and unshed tears burned my eyes. Popping the top, I swallowed a pill with the room temperature bottled water that was on the nightstand near the bed. 
Inhale 1, 2, 3, 4, 5… Exhale 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.

Taking i
n loud, gasping mouthfuls of air, I was on the brink of a full blown anxiety attack.  I was slowly able to get the oxygen I needed.  But my heart hurt and the medication wasn’t numbing that pain.  Grabbing my phone, I climbed into bed and buried myself under the covers.  As soon as my head hit the pillow, fat tears eased down my cheeks. Although nothing had been settled, in my heart I knew what the outcome would be.
He was raised to honor his responsibilities. He is his father’s son.  He is… he is having a baby. With her. With her? Really? Oh God, why? After all these years, I allowed myself to go all in with Emanuel. All in with the man that I’d loved since birth. After all this time, we were free.  Free of all of the doubt and guilt and hurt that prevented us from being together.  Free to love each other. And now…now he has a baby on the way. Now he isn’t free,
I silently cried as I wallowed in heartbroken frustration.  With heavy eyelids, I scrolled through my phone and opened my goodnight playlist. As sleep quickly descended upon me, I fixated on one thought:
I have to do the right thing.

The bed dipped and
I knew I wasn’t alone anymore, but my body was too lethargic to truly comprehend what was going on. The medicine made it impossible for me to open my eyes. Or move. Or speak. But I could smell.  I inhaled as deeply as I could in my sedated state.  His woodsy scent was deliciously sensual with its warm, earthy fragrance.
I’m going to have to ask him what cologne that is
, I thought wistfully as I took in his smell again.
I love the smell of him. Is he talking?
I wasn’t sure if it was a dream or reality, but I strained to hear his hushed words repeating I love you.

I felt my body shift as he
pulled me into him, my back to his front. His hand reached under my white T-shirt and rested in the center of my belly. The weight of his body anchored me.  His breath was warm against my cheek.  His lips brushed softly right behind my ear. His skin was hot, burning through the thin fabric I wore. I wanted to wake up. I wanted to talk. I wanted to respond.
But I’m so tired,
I thought as I drifted back to sleep in the safety of his arms.

*****

“Good morning, sleepyhead,” Emily said with a forced smile.

“Good morning,” I grumbled as I rubbed my eyes. My pillow faintly smelled of Emanuel and I quickly turned my head to look behind me.  He wasn’t there.
Maybe he never was,
I thought as I stretched my arms and legs. “I must not have heard my alarm. I set it for 8am because these pills are ridiculous.”

Emily made sheepish face. “It’s 7am…I wanted to have a little girl time before we had to get ready to go to the airport.”

Sitting up and moving my feet so that Emily could sit on top of the comforter. “Well that explains it,” I smiled.

“Do you take the pills often?” Emily asked as she sat on the edge of the bed. She turned her body so that she was full facing me. Her disheveled hair and smeared eyeliner gave her the appearance of having just rolled out of bed.

“They were prescribed to help with the attacks while sleeping.  When I take them, they work.  I try not to take them often though because of the way they make me feel.” I was quiet for a moment as I rubbed my face roughly. “I needed one last night though.”

“Yeah…” Emily said slowly. “That’s why I wanted to have girl talk.”

We were both quiet.
I don’t even know what to say,
I thought as I shook my head and shrugged. Grabbing the pillow that wasn’t behind me, I clutched it to my chest.
He had to have been here,
I concluded as I breathed in his scent.

“That was so crazy last night,” Emily started, gauging my reaction with wide eyes.

“Yeah. Crazy is one way to describe it.”

“I’m sorry Sahara. That sucked,” she reached over and squeezed my arm comfortingly. “I was so sad last night because all day, I kept thinking about how
great you and Manny are together. You both were happier than I’d ever seen and you both deserve it.”

“
Maybe I don’t deserve to be happy Em.  If I needed yet another sign as to why I don’t deserve to be happy, Emanuel having a baby with the woman he was engaged to marry is it,” I interrupted quietly.

“
You do deserve to be happy.  And besides, this doesn’t have to mean the end of you and him.  He was never as happy with her as he was this weekend with you,” Emily offered sympathetically.

I sighed,
“Well it looks like this weekend is all we have.  And even if it were an option to be with him right now, your parents are not having that and you know it.”

She gave a sad smile. “
Manny is grown. They’ll get over it. They love you and they love Manny,” Emily insisted unconvincingly. 

I gave her a look. “
It’s not just them. If my Dad were still alive, he would be so disappointed in me for not giving them a chance to be a family.”

Emily didn’t say anything, but I saw it in her eyes that she knew I was right. So I continued, “And then there’s
Emanuel. He’s a good man.  He’s going to be a great dad.  And that poor unsuspecting child is going to need him there to protect him from his mother.”

Emily’s eyes crinkled in amusement, but her smile still seemed
sad.  “Just talk it out. You’re my best friend and he’s my brother and I love you guys.  More than anything I want you two to be happy. And I truly believe the key to you both being happy is you two being together.”

“And if the choice was between me and Ashlyn, I would be okay with that.  But it isn’t just Ashlyn. It’s Ashlyn and their child.”

“He doesn’t have to be with her to be a good father to their child.”

I was quiet for a minute. “True. I just
have a really bad feeling about this,” I admitted quietly.

“Why
?”

I gave her a sad smile in response.

“Of all people to impregnate,” Emily continued, still shocked.

“Why her?” I shook my head and squeezed the pillow closer to me. We sat in silence contemplating the situation. “Did they leave last night?”

Emily nodded, biting her lip nervously.  “Yeah, they went to talk. I’ve never seen him so upset. He looked like he was going to cry. And he never cries. The last time he cried was probably when…” She looked away.

I didn’t know if I wanted her
continue because the pain was still fresh, ten years later.  To know that I had their forgiveness helped; but, the pain was a constant reminder of my choices, my losses.  I gripped the pillow tighter and nodded. 
I don’t want her to say it,
I decided.

Clearing my throat, I asked, “Did he come back?”

“I don’t know. He has a key so it’s possible. He wasn’t here when I woke up though.”

“Oh okay,” I muttered disappointedly.
I guess that was a dream,
I thought as I brought my nose to the pillow and inhaled again.

We sat in silent contemplation until my alarm went off making us both jump.  Gathering ourselves and our thoughts, we concluded the conversation
.  After Emily left the room, I packed and then showered. The hot water helped and the time alone gave me a moment to think. Pulling my wet hair into a high ponytail, I decided against makeup even though my eyes were puffy. I didn’t have the energy. I squeezed into my white denim skinny jeans and a sleeveless black semi-sheer shirt with red and white polka dots. 

Grabbing my luggage, I
carried everything into the living room and dropped it on the ground.  Wrapping my red Michael Kors crossbody around my body, I plopped down on the couch. 
I need to hit the reset button,
I sighed and pulled out my earbuds and hit play. Minutes later, Emily and Anthony emerged from the master bedroom looking completely smitten with one another.  It brought a smile to my face.

“So where should we go for breakfast?” Emily asked as we made our way out of the house.

“I’m not hungry so it doesn’t matter to me,” I answered, sliding my oversized sunglasses on my face.

“Let’s get pancakes,” Anthony decided as he put my luggage in the trunk of Emily’s car.

“The best place for breakfast is going to be packed since it’s the morning of a holiday,” Emily complained. “We don’t have time. Do we?”

“We have plenty of time
,” I shrugged. “My flight doesn’t leave—”

The sound of the motorcycle made me stop in mid-sentence. 
Even though ‘Don’t Speak’ played in my ears, I heard the roar of the motorcycle. My head swiveled around and I waited.
It’s him. I know it’s him,
I thought just before he pulled into the driveway.

We watched attentively as he pa
rked.  I put my hand to my chest in a feeble attempt to slow my heart rate down.  My body reacted to him instantly and my mind went blank temporarily.  He took off his helmet and rested it on the handlebar. He ran his hands through his wavy, black hair and stared at me.  His eyes burned into mine as he eased off of his motorcycle.  Never taking his eyes off of me, he walked the few feet to Emily’s car.  Without acknowledging anyone else, he grabbed my face and kissed me. 

It wasn’t an ordinary kiss.
The kiss was passionate…and easy. It was rough…and soft.  It was sweet…and sexy.  And when he pulled away and I looked into his bloodshot grey eyes, I knew it was hello…and goodbye. 

“Can we talk?”
Emanuel murmured, pressing his forehead against mine and pulling the earbuds out of my ears.

My eyes instantly became glassy
without the barrier of music to dull the hurt I felt.  I was thankful for my sunglasses as I thought,
No. There’s no need to talk. I don’t want to hear you say it. I just want a clean break. I want to leave Thomasville. Because knowing how much I love you and that you share the same feelings, but we can’t be together is devastating. Maybe more severely devastating than when I thought you hated me. Because then it was my actions that separated us and kept us separated. But now… now that I’ve had you… now that I know that you love me… not being with you now is unbearable. Even though it’s necessary, I can’t take hearing you say it though. I can’t—.