Away (28 page)

He closed his folder and looked at me with a smile. It wasn’t a fake, or an out-of-pity smile, but a genuine one. He pulled his glasses off and held them in his hand while he looked at me.

“Cassandra, we don’t know much right now, but I promise you we will find out. Why don’t you take a couple of deep breaths for me while we get you set up for the exam, okay?”

“Okay.” I took in a few deep breaths while he prepared.

Trish came over and stood by me, grabbing my hand in hers. “We got through the first exam just fine, Sweetie. We’re going to get through this one too.”

I squeezed her hand. I hoped so. I seriously fucking hoped so.

My legs were propped into the stirrups once again and the screen of the ultrasound was in place, the back facing me.

“Are you ready?” Dr. Rich asked.

“Yeah,” I mumbled as I gripped Trish’s hand tighter, feeling like I was crushing it.

“Go ahead and relax for me. I am inserting the probe now. You might feel some slight pressure,” he said as he slowly inserted the probe.

There was pressure, but nothing was worse than the agonizing pain of waiting; it was tearing me up from the inside out. Dr. Rich continued moving the probe around as he looked at the screen while mumbling to himself. Sometimes I would see Trish trying to look at him or the screen, but he was being too quiet. Not one word slipped out of his mouth. I put my hand to my eyes and closed them. The suspense was eating me alive. Every ounce of hope I had coming in here was slowly fading the longer Dr. Rich was silent.

“Okay,” he said, his voice flat. I slowly tore my hand off my eyes and lifted my eyelids to see Trish staring at Dr. Rich, waiting for an answer too. I looked over at him and just as his voice was impassive, so was his face.

“Cassandra,” he said softly as his hand quickly moved the screen to face Trish and me. “Your baby is doing just fine.”

“Oh my God,” I said, letting out the breath I had been holding in all too long. I felt Trish’s hand squeezing mine as she heard the news.

Dr. Rich pointed to the screen. “We are measuring at about seven weeks now and there is the heartbeat. It is measuring at 123, which is perfect. And, the spot right there,” he said, pointing to it, “is your baby.”

I looked at Trish who had a tear rolling down her cheek. Her face matched mine, happy and relieved. “Thank you,” I mouthed to her, letting my tears stream freely. Dr. Rich pulled the probe out and turned the ultrasound machine off.

“Can I see Jason now?” I asked Trish. She looked over to Dr. Rich.

“I’ll be back in to talk to you about what’s going on,” Dr. Rich told me as he and Trish left my room.

Jason didn’t take long to come in. I knew he already heard the news, but I couldn’t help telling him myself. “Jase, my baby is okay.”

He immediately walked to my bed, sat on the side, and pulled me into his arms. “Thank God,” he said quietly as he held me tightly.

“You told me everything was going to be okay, and it was. How do you stay so positive all the time?” I asked as he pulled back from me.

“It’s a choice I make. If something is going to happen, why not think positive about it? Then, at least it won’t scare you so much,” he said quietly as he put his hand to my cheek.

“You amaze me every day,” I said as I held his hand on my cheek.

He placed his lips on my forehead before getting off of the bed. “They said I only had a few minutes, but as soon as the doctor is out of here, I’ll be back in, okay?”

“I’m counting on it,” I said as I grabbed his hand, reluctant to let it go.

He kissed the top of my hand before slowly pulling away and leaving, closing the curtain behind him.

Dr. Rich walked back in looking overly perplexed. My eyes followed as he walked to the counter with my file, and then finally stood in front of my bed. I lifted a brow up to him; this happy moment of finding out my baby was still okay started to dissipate as Dr. Rich silently stood there.

“Cassandra,” he said, looking down at my file. “We need to discuss a few things about the bleeding and cramping.”

“Okay,” I replied, my shaky voice returning.

He finally looked up and took off his glasses before taking a breath and sitting on the edge of my bed. “Women in their first trimester can bleed; they can bleed for no reason or for extremely problematic ones. From the exam we just did, I am going to rule out any problematic reasons as your baby is still fine and growing healthy inside of you,” he said. I swallowed the golf ball sized lump that was stuck in my throat. “Many women who have first trimester bleeding go on to have very healthy babies. There is, however, nothing you can do to prevent a miscarriage. They happen for no reason, at any time. I don’t want to scare you, but I need you to know this.”

My heart fell to the floor. I closed my eyes and shook my head.

“I’m not saying it’s going to happen, but I want you to know there is nothing you can do to prevent it from happening. You need to just do the best you can to relax, not stress, take care of yourself, and think positively, okay?”

I heard his words, pictured him in my mind as I kept my eyes closed. I could feel the salty tears reach my mouth before I finally opened my eyes. “What caused the bleeding then? Was it something I did?”

“Cassandra, your cervix is closed and we saw the heartbeat on the monitor. Bleeding happens. In fact, it always amazes me that we can make phones smarter than most humans, but we have yet to figure out what causes bleeding in pregnant women.”

“So there’s nothing I can do to prevent it?” I didn’t believe him; I didn’t understand how something so horrible could happen to me without explanation.

He shook his head. “No, there is nothing, but what I would like you to do is start taking it easy. Go rest for the remainder of the day, no walking around, and no exercising. I want you to stay calm and lie down. Doctor’s orders.”

I felt like I was already doing that, aside from stressing about life. I would do this though; I would make damn sure I was resting today.

“If the bleeding or cramping gets worse, you rush right back in here. Okay?”

“Yes Dr. Rich. Thank you.”

“Of course,” he replied, grabbed the file, and left the room.

A few moments later, Trish came walking in. “Doing okay Sweetie?”

“I was when I found out the baby was okay, and now, my stomach is back to shreds. Dr. Rich said there is nothing I can do to prevent a miscarriage. I can’t even protect my own child.” I put a hand protectively over my stomach.

She walked over to me and rested her hand on my shoulder. “I know, Sweetie. I know this all too well, but you need to allow yourself to stay positive right now. Don’t stress over the ‘what if’s’. Take all of the energy in the part of you that wants to play every bad scenario there could be, and wash it out with happy thoughts, positive emotions. Anything, but what you’re thinking right now. You can’t change the outcome of this, so worrying is making it worse.” She kept her motherly brown eyes on mine. She always seemed to know the right words to say.

I let out a deep breath. “Thanks Trish. I don’t even know how to repay you for how kind you’ve been to me.”

“Keep that smile on your face. That’s how you can repay me,” she said before starting to take my IV out.

“I can do that,” I said.

“Good. So all of your blood work came back great. Dr. Rich says it’s okay to release you now, but if you have any more problems, let Jason know and get right back okay?”

“Okay. Where is he?” I asked her as she put a cotton ball and then a Band-Aid over the spot where she removed my IV.

“Right outside the curtain still,” she said quietly. “Go ahead and get dressed. I’ll be back in a few minutes with a wheelchair.”

I pulled the cover off and sat for a moment on the edge of the bed. I was scared to look down at the bed once I got up. I didn’t want to see if there was any blood, or how much. I knew it wouldn’t help to think about it once I saw it, but like a bad accident, I couldn’t help but look. I took a deep breath and held it in as I put both feet on the cold hospital floor. Standing up, I closed my eyes and turned my head behind me, slowly letting out my breath and opening each eyelid one at a time, only to see... blood. It tainted the positive pep talk that Trish just gave, smearing its hopelessness all over me. I swallowed hard as I tried hard to hold the tears that were stinging behind my eyes. I dragged my feet across the room to the chair where my clothes were. A maxi pad sat on top. Trish must have put it there. She must have known that I would still be bleeding. I felt the slight tinge of the anxiety that I carried on my shoulders leave as I realized this must be normal; this had to be. It was going to be okay I thought to myself. As I put on my clothes, I tried to focus on dressing, breathing, anything but the color red.

I perched myself on the edge of the bed when I finished and waited for my two-wheeled ride out of here. I wasn’t consumed in my own thoughts long as Jason’s voice came from the other side of the curtain.

“You all done in there, Sweetheart?” he asked.

“Yes, but why do I feel like this is the worst case of déjà vu I’ve ever had?” I asked him, feeling all too familiar with this scenario.

He came through the curtain wearing the adorable smile that I loved seeing. “No, it’s really not, because this time, I’ve known you for a lot longer than 8 hours. So now, I get to call you much more than just a friend.” He parked the wheelchair and sat down next to me on the bed.

“Oh really? Am I your best friend then?”

He shook his head. “No, you’re more than a best friend. You’re mine, Sweetheart.” He placed his lips on my bare shoulder and kissed me. If Trish’s pep talk didn’t help, then I knew with all that I was, that this moment right now led me to believe I had everything to be positive about. I was his.

“I’m yours?” I asked as he slowly took his lips off of my shoulder, gazing up at me. I couldn’t help but feel the flutters inside as his words sank deep into my heart.

He stood and placed a kiss on my forehead. “Yes, mine,” he whispered back. My heart was pounding; he had me. He had me so much that he wouldn’t even be able to comprehend. I had my baby and we had each other. Things were going to be okay. I was beginning to believe what everyone else was trying to get through my stubborn, thick-headed skull. I smiled to let him know he made me happy, how everything around me was going crazy, yet he balanced it. He was my sanity in this crazy, insane situation I had myself in.

“Let’s get you home to rest.” He reached out a hand for me to grab as I got off the bed and sat down in the wheelchair.

“Doctor’s orders,” I told him.

“My orders too,” he said.

W
E
GOT
BACK
TO
HIS
HOUSE
, his hand laced through mine as he took me downstairs to his room. I stopped in the doorway waiting for him to say something. He turned when he noticed that I wasn’t moving and kept trying to pull me further into his bedroom.

“What?” he asked, his eyes scanning me over.

“I can rest in the room upstairs, you know?”

“I know that, but you seem to sleep so much better down here with me. You make these really cute little moans as you fall asleep, and you just look so peaceful in my bed.”

I hid my face behind my hands, embarrassed by his words. I loved that he wanted me down here, but I made noises while I slept? Good Lord. His hands pulled mine from my face, his eyes peering down at me.

“Don’t be bashful now. It’s pretty adorable.”

I rolled my eyes playfully at him. “I seriously doubt it.”

“Doubt it all you want. It’s cute. Now go sit on the bed, Sweetheart,” he commanded as he walked over to his dresser.

“Yes sir.” I teased as I walked over and sat down on his bed.

He sauntered over to me, carrying a shirt in his arms. “Why don’t you put this on, and I’ll be right back.” He flashed me a wink before walking out of his room and closing the door behind him.

Yes, I did it again; I held his soft, white t-shirt up to my nose, inhaling the scent of Jason. As his smell engulfed me, I allowed every spicy scent tingle my senses. I reluctantly pulled it from my face, quickly pulled off my tank top and bra, and let his shirt slowly slide itself down my body. He was so much larger than me, and his shirt was more like a dress, which made it perfect for resting and sleeping. I pulled down my yoga pants and finally felt even more free and relaxed. I was now extremely grateful for the maxi pad. I wanted the bleeding to stop more than anything, but if it continued, at least I was covered. I folded my clothes and walked over to put them neatly on his dresser before walking back to his bed.

“Taking over my room already, I see.” I heard his sweet voice behind me. I quickly turned on my heels and saw him smiling, holding a few things in his arms.

“Yes, I just might. I like it down here,” I said, teasing him. “What are you carrying?”

He walked over to the bed as I sat down and crossed my legs. “Well,” he said, putting down a water bottle and a couple cans of ginger ale. “I thought you might be hungry, so I made us a picnic.”

“Really?” I asked, stunned and surprised, but entirely grateful.