Away (30 page)

Trish looked surprised. “What are you doing here, Sweetie? Did you walk?”

“Yes,” I said ashamed. “I needed to talk to someone, to you. I need help... Please,” I begged.

“Is it the baby? Are you still bleeding and having more cramps?”

“No.” I shook my head. “My bleeding seemed to stop and so have the cramps. It’s about the baby though. I need to talk through my feelings with to a real mom, someone like you. Someone who can tell me if what I’m feeling is normal,” I told her, feeling the exhaustion finally catching up with me as I felt the need to sit down.

“Okay, come with me. You need to sit down; you shouldn’t have walked here, Sweetie. I’ll get you some water and then we can talk. Whatever you need, know that I’m here for you,” she replied, taking us back into the staff lounge. She had me sit on the couch as she grabbed a bottle of water and then sat down next to me.

“I’m scared Trish. I’m more horrified than before, because now I want this baby. I want it more than anything, but I don’t know how to overcome this fear that I’m not good enough to be its mom.” I paused to drink more water. “I can’t talk with my own mother because she doesn’t know what’s going on, let alone will she even accept the fact that I’m going to keep my baby and soon be a mother myself. She will never accept it. My heart hurts for this baby. How will I give it the life it deserves?”

She looked at me as if she knew something I didn’t. “Congratulations, Cassandra. You’re a mom. Worrying about your baby before anything else is what makes you a mother.” She reached a hand over my shoulder and gave me a squeeze. Tears were running down my face as her words sunk in deep. I was a mother. “You’ll never stop worrying, not even when they’re adults. I was younger than you are when I was pregnant with my first. It’s okay to be scared. Lord knows I was petrified and questioned everything. But when you hold your baby for the first time, all those fears, those questions, fly right out the window, because at that moment, nothing else in the world seems to matter. All you know is that you would do anything to protect and take care of this child of yours. Sweetie, you’re going to be fine.”

“I hope so. I want to be fine, and I want to know that everything is going to work out. Now that I know in my heart I want to keep it, I hope this baby is fine and I don’t end up miscarrying.”

“You have to trust that everything will work out, and it will,” she said, grabbing my hand in hers, and squeezing it tightly. “I knew the minute I saw Jason come to the hospital to see you, he thought you were something special. That boy has the biggest heart I’ve ever seen, but the way he waited to see you and stuck around to make sure you were okay, he was drawn to you. And that’s because you are something great and special. You may not see it or feel it, but you have a way of making the whole room light up.”

“That’s exactly how I feel about Jason. He’s special and wonderful and I don’t know what is going to become of all of this, but I don’t want to lose him. He means so much to me.” I felt something wet hit my hand and as I looked up at Trish. I saw them, the tears, dropping down one by one.

“Oh Trish, why are you crying?”

“Just talking about Jason, I just love him so much. You’ll understand when you have your baby. There is no stronger love than the one you have for your child, Cassandra.”

“I’m just such a mess right now. I’m not good for Jase. I dropped out of school. I’m pregnant. My parents don’t have a clue about out any of this, and I’m in a town I’ve never even heard of. I’m so lost right now.”

“You’re not though, Sweetie. I think you’re right where you need to be. No matter the girl, perfect or flawed, she’s still the light of somebody’s life. Jason knows this and whatever you think you are, he sees none of it. He sees your big heart, your brave face, and he also sees the side of you that needs someone to be there. He sees all of you and he hasn’t run away yet. He’s not like that.”

“He’s too good,” I said, relieved to hear her confirming in her own words that Jason and I were good together.

“He’s battling things too, but you both bring out so much good in each other. You don’t even realize how much he’s a different person when he’s with you. Also, Sweetie, you can stay with us as long as you like. Just because your car will be done soon doesn’t mean you have to leave. We all like having you here,” she said, giving me another hug.

“I really appreciate it Trish, more than you’ll ever know,” I said, hugging her back. “I also wanted to thank you for allowing my friend to come here tomorrow night.”

“Anything for you, Sweetie. Any friend of yours is a friend of ours. Jason told me she means a lot to you.”

“She does. You have no idea how thankful I am that you are letting her stay and me too. I owe you guys so much.”

“Like I said, anything for you, Sweetie and anytime you need to talk, I’m here for you,” she said as we stood up and walked back to the front of the hospital.

“Thanks again.” She was the rock of this family and she was suddenly becoming my rock too. I wished more than anything I had the courage to talk to my own mother the way I do with Trish, but it wouldn’t happen. I had to get that through my head. I had to be strong now, for my baby’s sake.

“Okay honey, take my keys, and drive yourself home. No more of this walking business, you hear me,” she said as she handed me her car keys.

I was ashamed that I walked the long way even after what happened yesterday, but it was important. The relief I felt now was far greater than I could have expected. The nerves were still there. The fear that I was going to be like my own mother was consuming me, but the happiness of knowing every mother had fears calmed me. “Thanks Trish, I won’t be walking that far again. Trust me,” I told her, rubbing my belly that was still flat with nothing to show, but I knew my blueberry was in there. It had to make it; it just had to.

“Trish?” A nurse from behind us grabbed her attention. “Jason is almost done. He asked to see you when he was finished.”

Trish quickly shook her head to the other nurse. It felt weird, like it was something she didn’t want to talk about in front of me.

“Jason’s here? What is he almost done with?” I asked the nurse then looked over at Trish, who had trouble keeping her eyes on mine.

My stomach dropped, I knew immediately something was wrong. Something wasn’t right about this.

“Almost done with what, Trish?” I demanded her to answer.

I could feel my breath getting more rapid as my heartbeat escalated so much that I could feel it through every pulse in my body. Something was horribly wrong. I looked at the other nurse who had her face down as if she had just been shamed, and looked back at Trish whose eyes were getting red. The look on her face was pleading with me to let this go. “I can’t talk about it. Jason will be home soon,” she said in a muffled voice.

That was all the confirmation I needed. I had to find him. I left the keys on the counter and walked away from the desk.

“Please don’t do this.” I heard Trish yell as I headed down the hall.

My heart sunk even further as I raced down the hall looking for any sign of Jason, his voice, his laugh, anything. There was nothing. Jason wasn’t anywhere, but he had to be. The nurse said herself that he was almost done. I stopped and put my hands on my knees and took a breath. The only words that were racing through my mind were
‘what’s going on’.
I stood back up and could see Trish coming up behind me. I had to be close. Then I heard his voice and my heart stopped. He was down the hall to the right. I looked back and saw that Trish had stopped. She knew I wouldn’t let this go. She knew it was only a matter of time until I found him. I walked up, could see the partially open door, and heard a woman’s voice.

“She sounds wonderful, Jason.”

“Colleen, you have no idea,” I heard him reply.

I took a few more steps until I was in front of the door. I took another deep breath and read the sign on the door. Dialysis. I panicked and pushed the door all the way open so that I was able to see him.

“Oh my God,” I gasped. Jason sat in a chair, hooked up to a machine and tubes were coming out of his arm.

“Cassie?” he asked in disbelief that I was standing in front of him. He clearly wasn’t expecting to see me.

“Jason?” I breathed out quietly; I put my hands over my mouth as I started to back up.

“Damn it!” he yelled as he closed his eyes.

I shook my head in disbelief as I did the only thing I knew how to these days. I ran. I ran straight into Trish, who had tears running rapid down her face.

“What is going on Trish?”

“He has kidney failure, Sweetie,” she said through her soft sobs.

My knees buckled beneath me and I fell to the floor. “No, no, no, this can’t be happening!” I screamed in anger. My heart was racing, my breathing was hard, and my mind was spinning. I could feel my insides knotting and pulling as
kidney failure
kept repeating in my brain. I pulled my numb body from the floor and could feel it again. The need to run. I put my hand over my mouth and panicked as I searched for a trashcan, but it was too late. Everything, every feeling, every tear, every moment of my time here with Jason came up, releasing all over the floor in front of me. The heaving was violent and rough as it took me back down to the floor with it.

“Oh my God,” I cried, releasing the tears that were stinging behind my eyes.

Trish walked up next to me and reached her hand out for me to take. “Cassandra, let’s talk, but you need to calm down first. Think about your baby.”

“You will not tell me to calm down right now. This is what he’s been hiding from me, isn’t it? That’s why he keeps leaving for ‘errands’ too, ISN’T IT?” My emotions were high, my chest was heavy, and my temper was meant for Jason, not for Trish. I felt horrible for taking it out on her but I was hurting. I lifted my head to see her nod yes to all the questions I was asking her. I broke down in sobs again. I wanted to know more. I had to know what was wrong, but my body was weak and in pain. I didn’t know if I was able to hear the truth about him, about the guy I accidentally found, the guy I grew too fond of in only a matter of a week. I didn’t know if I could bear to hear what she was about to tell me. I slammed my fists on the floor and screamed out in pain with all that I had in me.

“Cassie!” I heard Jason yell from behind me. I got up as quickly as I could and made a dash for a bathroom. I continued to hear his footsteps behind me as I ran inside. It was a single bathroom, so I locked the door and slid down it, pulling my knees up to my chest, letting my tears soak my legs as I wept.

“Please, Sweetheart, we need to talk,” he yelled through the door. I grabbed tightly onto my legs. Hearing his voice only made matters worse. It made my heart break for every time I asked him if he was okay. For every time I knew in my heart that something was wrong and how he kept it inside, only for me to find out this way.

“Jason, just give her some time. I’ll give her my keys. She’ll come home when she’s ready.” I heard Trish tell him.

“I’m not leaving. I’m staying until she comes out,” he replied.

“She needs time, Jason. Go home. Wait for her there.” Trish spoke with authority this time. She meant what she said; she knew what I needed. Unfortunately, I didn’t know if I would ever come out of this bathroom. I heard a fist slam against the wall next to the door and then their footsteps faded away. I lifted my head up, taking a quick breath.

“Ouch,” I felt a mild cramp in my abdomen. I grabbed my stomach and tried to calm myself down. It was hard. It was almost impossible but I was trying. I stretched out my legs in front of me and kept my hand on my stomach.

“Baby, this is your mom. Please don’t give up on me. I’m not going to give up on you. You have to calm down with me. I need you right now. I need you to stay inside me. I need you to make it, or I don’t think I will. Please baby, for mommy,” I said as I looked down at my stomach.

I rubbed my hand gently across my little blueberry and rested my head on the door behind me. I closed my eyes and tried with all my might to see nothing, but it was hopeless. Staring back at me were those emerald eyes that I’d grown so accustomed to seeing every day. His long lashes moving up and down as he blinked over his green gems. I finally knew the sadness hiding behind them. I didn’t know what I originally thought he kept hidden from me, but kidney failure was not it. I kept my eyes closed as I stared back at the green ones in my mind. They weren’t going anywhere and neither was I. My body needed to relax; I had to take this time to prepare for what I would be dealing with when I saw Jase back at the house. I wasn’t ready to face him or his secrets that weren’t secrets anymore.

I heard a soft voice behind me on the other side of the door. It was Trish. “Cassandra?”

I listened to the dripping faucet as each drop of water hit the sink in perfect rhythm. I heard each splat of water hit a hundred times or more before I realized how much time had probably passed when Trish interrupted the focus I had on the faucet.

“Sweetie, are you okay?”

“No, Trish. I’m not,” I told her honestly.

“Can you come out? You need to get to a bed so you can rest honey. Please? For me,” she begged quietly through the door.

My choice was either staying in here on this hard bathroom floor or going back to a nice comfortable bed and possibly seeing Jason before I was able to get some rest. I had to take my chances. I wasn’t ready to talk to him yet, but my back was hurting and my body was craving a bed. “Okay Trish, I’ll come out,” I replied. I slowly stood up and opened the door.

She was standing there with her keys in her hand, her face red and eyes swollen. I felt guilty for knowing my actions made her cry.

“Here you go, Sweetie,” she said quietly as she handed me the keys. “Please drive carefully.”

I took the keys from her hands. I gave her the only smile in me that I could find. It felt small, pathetic, and forced. I drove myself to their house, pulling into the gravel drive next to Jason’s truck. He was home and hopefully in his room.