Away (23 page)

He moved beside me, extending his arm out for me to fit perfectly next to him as I laid my head on his chest. I snuggled myself closer to him as he pulled his comforter over us. It didn’t take long for me to fall asleep with the beat of his heart in my ear rocking me to sleep.

“G
OOD
M
ORNING
.” I
HEARD
HIS
VOICE
beside me. I opened my eyes all the way and suddenly remembered I was still in his bed. I rolled over to see him, feeling guilty that I didn’t even ask to stay in his room and I just fell asleep, but that feeling went away the moment I saw his smile. It was warm and made me feel anything but guilty.

“Good morning,” I said in a quiet voice, still trying to wake up. I wiggled my way closer to him under the covers, noticing I was still without my cami that I came down in. His arm grabbed my waist as I did and pulled me closer than I expected, his bare chest feeling warm against mine.

“Sleep good?” he asked in a husky morning voice. I liked it.

“Too good,” I said. “I’d like to say it was the bed, but I’m pretty sure it was you.”

He placed his lips to my forehead. “You are so damn cute in the morning.”

“I find that really hard to believe, but if you say so.”

“I definitely say so,” he whispered in my ear, his lips grazing the skin just enough to send a small shiver down my spine.

“I have to go to work, or you better believe I would replay last night with you at least ten more times.”

“I’m thinking you should call in sick then,” I suggested.

“I wish,” he said quietly as he got out of the bed, his excitement more than visible. I couldn’t help but look and unfortunately got caught doing so.

“Like I said, I would stay if I could.” He laughed as he walked over to his dresser. He pulled out a shirt and tossed it on the bed. “You can put this on when you go upstairs. Don’t rush though. Stay and sleep.”

He pulled out a pair of jeans, another shirt, boxers, and socks, cradling them in his hands as he walked over to me, now lying in his spot on the bed. “I need to go take a shower. The bathroom is around the corner from my room, on the opposite side of the basement in case you need it.” He raised his brow.

“Okay.” I knew exactly what he meant and it was more than a possibility that I would.

“I’ll be back later,” he said as he walked out of the room, closing the door behind him.

I grabbed the shirt he threw over to me and couldn’t help but put it up to my nose, inhaling his scent. It was spicy and earthy and made a shiver trail down my spine as his scent warmed over me. I sat up and slipped it on with no intentions of going upstairs yet, but wanting only to be in his shirt. If I couldn’t have his arms wrapped around me, I could at least have this. I laid back down and pulled the comforter around me, surrounding myself with everything Jason as I immediately closed my eyes and drifted back to sleep.

I woke up a couple of hours later not remembering saying goodbye to him; I must have been out cold.

I headed back upstairs after making his bed look like a girl just made it, and noticed no one in the kitchen when I quietly opened the door. That would be one less awkward thing to explain to Trish or Bart if they were home.

As I took off Jason’s shirt in the bathroom, I couldn’t help but sniff it one more time before setting it on the counter as I stepped into the steamy shower.

For once, I felt a moment of relaxation as I realized I didn’t think about anything in the shower. I didn’t spend an obscene amount of time contemplating life. I actually just showered, nothing more. I was proud of myself.

After putting on clean clothes and towel drying my hair, I made my way down the hall.

“Good morning Sweetie,” I heard Trish’s voice as I came into the kitchen. She was making herself a cup of coffee.

“Good morning,” I replied. “You don’t work today?”

“No, I have the weekends off. Do you have plans today?” she asked.

I walked over to the coffee pot grabbing a cup to fill up. “No plans today,” I answered.

“Cassandra, Sweetie, what are you doing?” The look on her face was cause for alarm.

“What do you mean?”

“You shouldn’t be drinking coffee; the caffeine isn’t good for the baby, Sweetie.”

I looked down at my stomach and shook my head. “Thanks, just one more thing I can’t have or do,” I grumbled to the damn seed.

I heard a giggle out of Trish. “Isn’t it wonderful talking to your baby?”

I looked up at her and huffed. “Trish, I’m not talking to my baby. I’m yelling at this seed growing inside of me.”

“You are about seven weeks now Sweetie. It’s bigger now, about the size of a blueberry. It’s growing hands and feet now,” she continued to gush.

I didn’t respond. I didn’t know how. I took my cup of coffee that I shouldn’t be drinking and sat at the table putting my head in my hands.

“Cassandra, something is bothering you. I can tell.” Trish said quietly as she walked over to the table taking a seat next to me. “I know this was unplanned, but I really thought you wanted this baby. I thought that’s why you were so concerned at the hospital.”

“I don’t know what I want, but being a mother right now isn’t it. I’m not ready. Can’t you see, I didn’t even care or think about the damages coffee would cause the ‘blueberry’? I’m horrible.”

I felt her hand on my back, rubbing it gently. “You’re not horrible honey. You’re young. There’s a big difference. Every new mom has to start somewhere.”

“Trish, what if I don’t want to start anywhere?”

She looked at me with sad eyes. “Have you talked to anyone about your options?”

I shook my head no. “That is where I was headed when I got lost and crashed. I was going to see my friend, she was going to help me through it, decide what to do.”

She put both of my hands in hers. “Is there anything I can tell you? Do you feel like you can talk to me?”

I let out a sigh. “Trish, I feel like you are the only one I can talk to aside from my friend.”

“Come here. Let’s go talk on the couch.”

We both took a seat on the sofa next to one another. I looked down at my hands, my stomach feeling like it was in shreds as this was the first time I had discussed options with anyone. “I’m scared Trish,” I said quietly with my eyes closed.

I felt her hand on my back. “I can only imagine, Sweetie,” she said softly.

“I’ve thought of my only two options, abortion, and adoption. I’ve read online about things, but not much. I get a pit in my stomach the more I read, the more I realize how sad both options are.”

I opened my eyes and looked over at her. “There is no easy option here, unfortunately you need to do what you think is best for you. As a mom who miscarried at one point in her life, I can’t even tell you how much my heart was set on a baby and how hard it was to lose it.” She stopped and took a breather. I had already known about this from Jason, but I wanted to listen to what she had to say. “It was horrible, because we had tried to conceive for about a year. When I finally got pregnant, I had told a lot of people, my mom included. She couldn’t contain the excitement long enough to start making things for the baby. Then not too long after that I had an obscene amount of blood on the bed when I was suddenly woken up by terrible cramps in the middle of the night.” I leaned my hand over for her to take. She has been here for me, and I wanted to do the same for her. She grabbed a hold of it tightly.

“Bart and I went to the hospital, but I already knew. I could feel it inside that I lost the baby. It was hard not to think horrible thoughts like that when you had that much bright red blood coming out of you when you knew you weren’t supposed to. It was confirmed and I sat quiet and depressed for some time. I thought that perhaps my childbearing days were over. It took us so long to get pregnant again that the worst thoughts come to mind. I started to focus on the next step. I wanted another child. I knew in my heart that I wanted another child to call me mom, to raise and love, just like my first.” She paused long enough to wipe the sadness from her eyes.

“I looked into adoption. There are so many parents, like Bart and me, that knew in our hearts we wanted nothing more than to be a big family with kids. I was looking for a back-up plan in case we couldn’t get pregnant again. Cassandra, Sweetheart, there are so many kids that need loving families just as badly as parents need kids to call their own. If I can give you honest advice, it’s to give this ‘blueberry’ inside of you the best home you can until you deliver. It won’t be easy. It will probably be the hardest moment of your life handing that baby that just spent nine months of its life growing inside of you to another set of parents. Those parents though Sweetie, they want nothing more than to raise a wonderful baby of their own. If you don’t want this baby, if you are not ready to be a mom yet, then that’s fine, but don’t let this baby not be a gift to someone else. There is a family out there that will love it unconditionally and this baby deserves that. Just like you deserve to be loved unconditionally by your parents.”

I wiped away the tears that fell, smearing them across my cheek, not able to keep up with the outpour. “Jesus, you must think I’m awful.”

“No, not at all. I think you’re in a tough spot and that you have a hard decision to make.”

I let out a sigh not even knowing what to say. Trish just made my decision twenty times harder.

“I’m not trying to sway you either way. I’m just giving you some insight from a parent who wanted so badly to have a baby, and would have wanted to adopt a sweet baby like yours if it came to it. I also know there are plenty of other parents out there like that too. I can go with you to see a doctor if you want someone there with you.”

“Trish, you just made this so much more confusing, I really thought abortion was my best option, but now it seems like the exact opposite of what I need to do.”

I felt her hand on my back again rubbing it gently. “I’m sorry Sweetie. I didn’t mean to make it harder for you.”

“It’s not a bad thing; it’s a parent thing, and you have no clue how wonderful it is to have that. To have a parent give you advice and not just tell you what you
have
to do.” I was still more confused than ever, but my thoughts were becoming a little clearer after talking with Trish.

“Nothing in life is ever easy, Cassandra. It only gets harder the older you get,” she said. I believed every word too.

“So what happened after your miscarriage if you don’t mind me asking?”

“Of course I don’t mind. Well, after about seven months of trying, but not really trying. I was focusing myself on other things. Not really obsessing over getting pregnant as my doctor told me to do, we just got pregnant. It was the most exciting moments to look down at the results on the test. I was relieved and told myself to learn to relax a little and things will work out, and they did. That was how we had Jason, he’s my little baby,” she gushed. I couldn’t help but smile with her. I also needed to take note of her advice about relaxing more.

As much as I wanted to ask about her other son, I remembered Jason had told me that they don’t talk much about him, and so I decided to keep my questions to myself.

“I really have to stop calling him my baby though, the boy is more of an adult than most kids I see these days.”

I couldn’t help but think of the irony. My parents would never be caught dead calling me their little baby, yet they treated me like I was still a child.

“He’s a good guy,” I told her.

“He really is.” She took in a deep breath. “Well, Cassandra, I was going to run out to the farm to take Bart and the guys some lunch. Would you like to join me?”

“I’m actually feeling a little nauseous this morning. As much as I would love to join you, I think I better just stay in today and rest a little,” I told her, saddened that I had to forgo joining her, as I really did like spending time with Trish.

“I understand Sweetie,” she said. “Don’t forget, crackers and ginger ale, they will soon become your best friend.”

“I’m slowly learning that,” I told her, and with that, Trish and I went our separate ways, I to my room to rest and Trish to the farm.

I grabbed my phone from the dresser and saw two missed calls from Mel. Shit. I quickly hit the button to dial her back, her panicked voice answered.

“Cassandra, seriously, you better be okay. Neither you or Jason are answering your phones,” she said before lowering her voice an octave. “Unless of course, you were
busy
.”

I couldn’t help but laugh.

“Oh my gosh, spill girl.”

“It wasn’t like that, or maybe it was, I don’t know Mel, I’m scared, but I’m happy.”

“I need details, who kissed who first?”

I took a deep breath. “We went to a bar last night, it was actually really fun. We had a moment on the dance floor Mel, we were so close to kissing, but then we got interrupted by his friend.”

“Damn friend,” Mel interrupted me.

I continued with my story only to relive the night of his ex, Anna, and Jeff.

“Oh hell no, did you smack him like I showed you, a hand to the face and a knee to his manhood?”