Awakenings - SF1 (32 page)

"How unspeakably cruel!" Jamie shouted in indignation. "How could she do that to you?"

"Actually that was what made it even harder. I was really close with her mom. She was one of my mother substitutes, but I never saw her again after that day. But I don't blame her." She gave Jamie a small grin as she admitted; "I can't say the same for Da or the boys though. Sara was obviously really upset and I guess her mom didn't want it to get any worse. Sara must have told her what had happened, because her mom told me that she hoped things worked out for me but that Sara wasn't like I was. I don't know," she said softly. "If my daughter was in the same situation I might have done the same thing."

"I don't believe that for a minute, Ryan," Jamie said firmly. "If you were her mother you would find a way to be supportive of a child that was going through a very difficult time. You would not turn your back on a child that needed you!" Jamie continued to stroke and pat her leg and Ryan finally gave her a small smile.

"It was a terrible time for me. After the loss of my mother this was the worst thing that ever happened to me. It screwed up the way I felt about myself for a very long time. It was the only time in my life that I felt bad about being gay. I believed every bad thing I had ever heard about gay people. If someone as wonderful as Sara and as great as her mother thought I was sick, I assumed that I must be. I started doing some crazy stuff. I started hanging out in The Castro and going to bed with older women. I was almost 17 but I looked older. I would be with anyone who wanted me. But I didn't really get anything out of the sex. I just wanted the contact. I wanted to be with other freaks like me. But that's what's so hard for so many gay kids. We don't get a chance to develop like straight kids do. Not many of us get to have normal dating relationships. We often go from a crush to having sex like I did. And I realize now how harmful that is for kids. It's too overwhelming to have your first kiss followed by your first time making love."

"How did you come out of it?"

"It took a while. The next school year things got quite a bit worse. I'll save the details for another day. Sara obviously told some people about what I did to her and everyone started to treat me like a freak. I spent the whole year just trying to survive. It was an unbelievably tough year."

"Didn't you talk to anyone?" Jamie inquired gently as she continued to run her hand up and down Ryan's leg.

"After my first semester grades came out over Christmas break Brendan sat me down and said he was worried about me. The boys didn't know what I was doing, but they knew that I had changed. I never came home drunk when Da was home but he was gone 3 or 4 nights out of the week. Brendan was away at school and Conor and Rory had their own things so they didn't keep a very close eye on me. Brendan told me that I could tell him anything, and after a good bit of prodding he pulled it out of me. "He was so wonderful, Jamie," Ryan smiled at the memory. "He was so completely understanding. He really reassured me that there was nothing wrong with me. He said that as I got older I would find lots of women who wanted to be with me. A little while after we talked I made myself tell Da and the other boys. I've never asked Brendan, but I think he told them first so they'd be prepared. They were all super. Da told me that I was precious to him no matter who I loved."

"I'm so glad they were all supportive of you, Ryan. That must have really helped."

"More than I could have imagined. I didn't feel like I was bad for being this way any more. My self image got a lot better and I stopped being with people just because they wanted me. Brendan did some research and he hooked me up with the Teen Talk Line. I talked to someone really nice who was very supportive. She told me about 'Daughters of Sappho' and some other places that young women could go. After a while I went to the talk line and got trained as a peer counselor. Talking to other kids helped me realize how good things really were for me. By second semester my grades were back up, but I had screwed up at the worst time. My scholarship to Cal was withdrawn and I had to come up with another plan."

"What did you do?" Jamie asked.

"Conor started taking me to the gym with him and I really got into it. After I graduated I spent the summer taking classes to become a trainer and I worked every possible minute that I could. I had been accepted at the University of San Francisco as my fallback school, but it was really expensive, so I had to work full time to be able to afford the tuition."

"But why go somewhere so expensive? Couldn't you have gotten in somewhere else?"

"Getting in places wasn't a problem," Ryan assured her. "But I had such a hard time during my senior year that I couldn't bear to live away from home. I really needed their support that year. Besides, after all of the problems I had in school that year taking a couple of years off seemed really appealing. So I worked for 2 years and I really enjoyed it. I could really focus on what was important to me. In retrospect it was a foolish decision to waste 2 years and have to pay my own way, but I was so heartbroken over not being given my scholarship that I just couldn't bear to attend Cal. And the thought of seeing Sara around campus was just something I couldn't risk. After I completed two years at USF I decided that I had sulked long enough and I transferred. It's where I'd always dreamed of going and I finally decided that I was only hurting myself by not going there."

"Wow, you sure have been through some hard times," Jamie said as she patted her back.

"Yeah, but I got through them. And I feel pretty darn good about myself now. I mean, I must be doing something right to merit a friend like you, don't I?" she said sincerely as she looked over at Jamie with those clear blue eyes.

Jamie just soaked in the words of friendship that Ryan so easily offered.
I do not understand why she isn't in a relationship. It seems so easy for her to open up and show her feelings. Is she really that different when sex is involved?

After Ryan had digested enough of her dinner to allow for dessert Jamie led her back into the kitchen. "I hope you like what I made for dessert. I know you say you like everything, but this is a little different," she said with a smile at Ryan's interested expression. "The last time my mother and I were in Bologna we had this at the same restaurant that made this style of lasagna. It's really the prototypical dessert of the region and I thought it would be a perfect compliment to dinner."

Ryan watched as Jamie took the frozen insert of the ice cream maker from the freezer. She removed two pale green milk glass bowls from the cabinet and scooped the frozen concoction into the bowls. Next she removed some delicate little orange and chocolate flavored cookies that she had purchased from a fabulous craft bakery on the way home from school. As she looked at Ryan she saw her eyes go wide.

"You made ice cream?" she asked very tentatively. "I thought you had to be Ben or Jerry to make ice cream," she said slowly.

"No, it's a feat that is easily accomplished if you have a good ice cream maker," Jamie replied.

"You know, you are the last person in the world who should be underweight. You obviously don't cook much for yourself," Ryan observed as she playfully tried to pinch her waist.

"No, I really don't," she giggled as she tried to dance out of the way. "I prefer to cook for others I suppose."

"If you don't stop saying that you're gonna find me on your door step every evening," she threatened. Ryan was focused on her bowl as she took her first big bite of the custard. Her eyes closed and she dropped her head to her chest. Both hands came up and balled into fists as she lightly pounded on the table for a few beats, then looked up at Jamie in wonder. Her hands opened and rose halfway to her face. She shook her hands lightly as she wagged her head from side to side.

Not a word had been spoken, but Jamie knew that she was being lavishly complimented. After every bite Ryan would look at her with a delighted expression of amazement and another little shake of her head. Finally, when her bowl was clean Ryan finally muttered softly, "I have no words." She shook her head again and looked rather helpless as she said, "If I could have another bowl I'd be forever grateful."

As her second bowl was presented Ryan predicted, "I'm sure I'll be more erudite after my second helping." She dug in again, but was once more totally silent. Her brows knit in concentration and she looked very reflective a couple of times; as if she had a point to make. But she would again shake her head lightly and shrug her shoulders in a small sign of defeat. She regarded her friend once again and admitted, "I just can't form a cogent thought. I truly want to do justice to that ambrosia but I am unable to come up with a compliment that is representative of my feelings."

"None needed," Jamie replied as she gently patted her cheek. "Just watching you eat is the supreme compliment." As she spoke, she rose and crossed the room to retrieve the hidden presents. She brought the small pile over to a still dumbstruck Ryan who gave her a delighted smile.

"Jamie, you certainly didn't have to buy me presents after all this!" she protested.

"I know I didn't have to. But I wanted to. It really gave me a lot of enjoyment to be able to buy you a few little things," she replied.

"Okay, you win. If you get pleasure out of doing this, then I'm going to shut up and just let myself enjoy it," she decided as she grabbed the first little box.

Jamie watched her face take on a childlike glee as she shook each box in turn. "I like to guess. Can I?" she asked.

"Of course, birthday girl. You can do anything you want."

"What I want is for you to be my personal chef," she said with a grin. "But I'll settle for opening my presents. She shook a box that was about 9 inches square. This one gave a funny little rumble. "Hmmm," she mused. The next box was small, about 2" by 3". A muffled wooden clicking sound emanated from it. The last gift was about 7 inches long and 4 inches wide. It was no more than a quarter inch thick and made no sound when shaken. "I think I'm ready," she finally pronounced. "I believe there is a common theme?"

"Yes," came the answer.

"So one box will lead me to guess the others?"

"Most likely."

"Okay," she said as she waved the long thin package. "I think this one is a golf glove," she stated with authority.

"How did you do that?" Jamie inquired, quite amazed.

"Well, you did just buy me one. I remember the shape of the package it came in. And I can detect a leather aroma. See?" she offered the package up to Jamie's nose.

"Wow, how good is your sense of smell?" Jamie wondered.

"It's pretty good, I guess. I don't realize how good it is until I can catch a scent several minutes before anyone else. Sometimes I even beat Duffy," she said proudly. "And I'm the official smeller of anything suspect in the refrigerator." She quickly tore open the little package. "Oooh a white one. Now I won't clash when I wear another color." She opened the cardboard cover and slipped the glove on. "You remembered my size!" she said with delight. "Thanks, Jamie," she said as she half got out of her seat and leaned over to kiss her on the cheek.

Jamie knew that she should not feel a flash of pleasure tear up her spine, but she quickly convinced herself that the excitement of watching her friend's joy had just become contagious.

She tore through the rest of the neatly wrapped presents, correctly guessing the two dozen golf balls and the little box of tees. She had not guessed that the tees were personalized however, and this little detail delighted her to no end. "These are the bomb, Jamie," she said as she shook the little box. She hopped up once again to kiss the other cheek and Jamie briefly wished that she had wrapped each of the tees separately. "I'm gonna feel like a pro with all my cool stuff."

Her glee continued when she opened the last little box. It was a small set of ball markers and a divot tool in a gold tone. Each was neatly monogrammed with 'S.R.O.' Ryan jumped up and came over to Jamie's side of the table. She grabbed her hands and pulled her to her feet. "This is all so nice," she enthused. "I can't thank you enough." They stood toe to toe, Ryan's hands on Jamie's shoulders, smiling faces locked onto each other. Ryan bent to kiss her cheek just as Jamie turned her head slightly. Their lips brushed just a tiny bit, no more than a quarter inch. The kiss was way beyond chaste but Jamie felt a jolt of feeling shoot down her spine and she had a much more difficult time explaining this one away.

Ryan didn't seem to notice her reaction as she wrapped her in her powerful arms for a generous hug. But Jamie felt her body noticeably stiffen in the middle of the embrace. She pulled back and watched Ryan's face close as she backed away. Just then the kitchen door opened and Mia walked in.

"Wow, what smells so good?" she inquired brightly. "Hi
,
Ryan, Jamie".

"Hi, Mia, " they both replied, nearly in unison.

Mia walked over to the pan of the now cooled lasagna. She grabbed a knife from the drawer and carved off a piece. She stuck the whole big bite in her mouth and mumbled around it, "This is great. Did you make this?" she pointed at Jamie.

"Yeah, I did," Jamie replied.

"What gives?" Mia asked as she looked at the gift laden table. "Is it your birthday or something, Ryan?"

"Yep, it sure is."

"That's cool. Happy birthday," she said as she surprised Ryan by walking over to her and giving her an awkward hug.