Awakenings - SF1 (60 page)

"But you did, Ryan, you did save me," she murmured. "You would have thought of something. I know you would have. You would not have let him have me," she whispered fiercely.

Ryan looked up with those beautiful blue eyes clouded by tears, "You really trust me, don't you?"

"With my life," Jamie uttered right into her ear as she once again held her close.

Jamie considered her decision not to tell Jack about the attack.
I can try to convince myself that I did it to protect him from worry. But there is a part of me that wanted to see if he noticed that anything was wrong. How could he not have noticed?
But Jack had not noticed. The first weekend after the attack she had cried inconsolably when he approached her from behind and put his hands on her. He was clearly puzzled but he did not pursue the issue after she told him not to worry about it.

As she drove back down to Palo Alto on the first Friday in February
,
Jamie mused about the upcoming week. She and Ryan were due to meet with an assistant district attorney to go over their testimony regarding her assault and she was quite worried about the meeting since she was afraid that the meeting would rekindle her nightmares. Ryan reassured her that the dreams might come back, but they would be less severe and stay with her for a shorter time period. She stressed that the best thing they could do was continue to talk about the attack and all of their fears and projections.

Friday night went pretty well for a change. They had a pleasant if not earth shattering sexual encounter and she was almost successful in convincing herself that it was not harmful to have to picture Ryan sweating in the gym in order to become aroused.
They're fantasies because you don't act them out,
she patiently explained to her conscience.

Saturday was moving along as usual. Jack went to school to work with his law review partner while Jamie went on a long ride. He returned in time for lunch and actually helped Jamie clean up the kitchen as part of his new campaign to be more connected.

After they cleaned up they went out for a walk to the bookstore so he could pick up some notebooks. The day was warm and clear as they walked along holding hands. They decided to stop at Palo Alto Coffee Co. for a latte' and sat outside watching the constant traffic on University Av. for a few minutes.

"You're not moving around as easily as usual, Honey," Jamie commented as she gently ran her fingers down his back. "Is your neck stiff?"

"Yeah, you know how it tightens up when I'm concentrating for too long. I wish I could remind myself to get up and move every half hour or so, but I just get too absorbed."

She moved her chair over behind his and worked on his tense neck and shoulder muscles for a few minutes. His head was hanging loosely by the time she was finished and he let out a deep relaxed sigh as her fingers left his body. He turned his chair around to face her, moving as close as he could. Smiling gently he lifted his hand and tenderly traced the planes of her face. "It makes me feel so good to have you notice when a little something is wrong with me. It really shows me how much you love me," he said softly, gazing steadily into her eyes.

"I do love you, Jack," she whispered. Turning her head slightly she placed a kiss on his large warm palm. "Even when we're fighting
,
I still love you."

He leaned over even closer and placed a gentle kiss on her lips. He kept his head right where it was, staring into her eyes for a few moments. She slid her arms around his neck as she felt her desire for him begin to stir. As she lifted her head his dropped a bit until their mouths met for several slow kisses. "Make love to me," she asked softly as he began to pull away.

He didn't reply with words but he quickly stood up and took her hand again. As they walked home she mused that even though she did not like the way she had been reaching orgasm she had to admit that those few little seconds of pleasure cut the tension dramatically between them. He was more playful and lighthearted and his playfulness made her feel more relaxed. When she was relaxed she was able to be more physically affectionate which led to better sex. It was all terribly interconnected, but she was glad for the increase in affection.

As soon as they got into the apartment he began to strip her clothing off. She realized that she would not make it through their lovemaking without a quick trip to the bathroom, so she pulled herself away with the admonition, "Don't move a muscle. I'll be right back."

She thought she heard her cell phone ring but she assumed whoever it was would call back. But when she came back he was staring at her with an unreadable expression on his face. He held the phone out and said flatly, "It's Assistant District Attorney Mendez."

She felt all of the color drain from her face as she accepted the phone. It was obviously too late to try and hide the issue any longer, so she flopped down in the closest chair and dropped her head into her left hand as she answered the phone. "Hello," she said weakly.

"Ms. Evans? Sorry to call you on Saturday but I'm just getting caught up on my paperwork. I need to reschedule our meeting for this week. Can you make it at 2 on Monday?"

"Yes, I can," she replied, feeling drained and slow.

"Good. I can't find the name of the other witness right now. What was it again?"

"O'Flaherty," she said with resignation. "Ryan O'Flaherty."

"Right...here it is. Can you let Mr. O'Flaherty know about the time change?"

"Ms. O'Flaherty. She's a woman," she corrected.

"Okay, sorry about that. See you on Monday."

She switched off the phone and gently placed it on the table. But the silence in the room made the soft tap sound like a gunshot. "Jack, something happened that I didn't tell you about. Please try not to get angry until I can explain," she begged.

He was sitting on the couch with his legs splayed out, looking like she had punched him in the stomach. "What?" he asked with a voice filled with fatigue. "What now?"

"Ryan and I were in the park with her little cousin just after Thanksgiving. A man tried to abduct me," she said as an involuntary shudder ran down her spine. "I assume he was going to rape me," she continued, "but I passed out before he could get me to go with him of my own volition. Ryan stopped him, and now we need to go to court to testify."

He blinked at her slowly, trying to take all of this information in. He said nothing, but his eyes relayed his fear.

"Nothing happened to either of us," she said quickly. "Ryan knocked him out before he could do anything. I just got a few bruises from when he dropped me. But I didn't tell you or anyone else because the whole thing just upset me too much. I saw a counselor at school and she helped me see that I did need to talk about it. I wanted to tell you but I knew you'd be mad and hurt that I hadn't told you originally, so I just didn't," she admitted weakly.

He got up in total silence. He walked over to this books and calmly picked out two that he needed to study. Placing them in his book bag he slung it over his shoulder, letting out a tired sigh as the relatively light weight hit his strong back. Glancing around the room, he found his keys and his sunglasses and walked out of the room, closing the door behind him.

She spent the rest of the day and all of the evening in a state of panic. A heavy weight had settled in her stomach as she came to grips with the knowledge that she had probably torn the foundation of their trust from its moorings. He didn't call and he did not wear a pager or a cell phone so she had no way to get in touch with him. At around 8 she got in her car and drove to the law library, but a thorough search of every cubicle failed to find him. The next hour was spent in a rather dazed inspection of every possible place that he could have hidden himself on the campus. Every library and every student lounge was thoroughly investigated. Next she got back in her car and parked on University, just outside the gates of the school. She walked from one end of the long street to the next, looking carefully in every restaurant and bookstore. But her hour long search proved fruitless. In fact, she preferred to walk around aimlessly to the terror she felt when she was alone in the apartment but after a while she had no more ideas so she returned to the apartment and flopped down on the couch. She fell asleep in the same position that she had collapsed in, exhausted and terribly depressed. Around midnight she woke with a start to the sound of his key in the lock. She dashed to the door before he was even in the room and tried to speak to him, but he brushed her aside as he placed his book bag on the floor and walked into the bathroom.

She was waiting right outside the door but again he walked past her like he didn't know she was in the room. He stripped down to his boxers and got in bed, turning his back to the door as he turned off the bedside light. "Aren't you even going to speak to me?" she asked, slightly dumbfounded.

Silence was his only reply. She considered getting in her car and going home, but she didn't think it was wise to further escalate the issue. The sofa was big enough for her but she thought her physical closeness might thaw him out at some point. So she got ready for bed and slid in next to him, being careful not to touch him.

She lay awake for hours, going over the events that she had clearly set in motion.
I'm so angry with myself for not telling him! How would I feel if he withheld something so big? I'd feel utterly betrayed. I just don't know how he will ever be able to forgive me for this.

Some time during the early morning hours she drifted off into a fitful sleep. But every half hour she woke with the fear of the incident burning in her chest. Around 4 she woke and let out a startled gasp as she turned to find Jack's intense gaze fixed upon her, the moonlight glinting off his steely blue eyes. "Did you ever love me?" he asked with a flat, emotionless voice.

"Of course I do," she said quickly as she turned fully to face him. She lifted her hand to stroke his face but he caught it and held it tightly, actually causing her a slight bit of pain. "Please, Jack, please let me touch you. Let me hold you," she begged.

He closed his eyes and let go of her hand. She took that as a sign of acceptance so she quickly moved closer and wrapped her arms around his body. She pulled him to her as tightly as she could and murmured into his ear, "I'm so sorry. I know I hurt you, and it's all my fault. It's all my fault, Jack. Please forgive me," she pleaded.

The tears were streaming down her face as she began to kiss his rigid body. She started at his neck and breathed in his musky scent as she worked her way down to his collarbones. His scent became a vital need as her lungs filled with the fragrance and she sought to increase their capacity just to satiate her need. Licking and kissing down his body more for sustenance than to arouse she continued on her slow, torturous path. When she finally began to nibble around the waistband of his shorts she grasped them by the legs and pulled them half way from his body, then lifted them to slide over his erection.

She kissed and sucked her way down his belly and found to her amazement that she had an overpowering need to take him into her mouth. She was an inch from her goal when he pushed her onto her back and quickly entered her, completely without warning. The combination of her need and the fear of losing him combined with his raw aggression to make her more aroused than she had ever been. She moved with him, urging him on more vocally than she had ever done. Feeling no control whatsoever her climax washed over her like a tidal wave, washing some of the pain and dread from her soul. Her release pushed him over and he finished quickly, panting and sweating until he collapsed on her body.

But he was not satisfied. He started the same intense examination of her body. He kissed and sucked and bit his way from her face to her toes, needing the constant stimulus of her flesh vibrating against his mouth. She was fully ready for him when he climbed on top for another connection. Every muscle ached for rest but she managed to merge with him for another debilitating climax. He could not be satisfied for a long while, but he finally groaned out his release. He moved down a few inches as he withdrew and collapsed with his head against her breast. His weight was mostly on the bed, but even the small portion that rested on her was terribly heavy. But she would not, could not bear to move him. They fell asleep in that same awkward position, and remained nearly motionless until morning.

When they woke they struggled through an hour or so of embarrassed silence. But as the day went on things got more familiar and settled back into a relatively normal day. Before dinner he turned to her again, and while she knew the encounter would be painful she willingly gave herself to him, just trying to maintain their connection. She could not overcome the discomfort and she knew that he would not be satisfied unless she reached climax
,
so for the first time in their relationship she successfully faked an orgasm. Her performance must have been Oscar caliber because it pushed him over immediately. He nuzzled against her breasts tenderly for a long while before he relaxed and fell asleep against her in much the same position as the night before.

The rest of the weekend passed quickly. He was never more than a few inches from her, and by the time she got back into her car she felt like she was breathing her own air for the first time in 24 hours.
Well, we settled absolutely nothing,
she mused
. We never did talk about what happened or how I felt about it. I have no idea how it affected him. What if I had been raped? Would he still refuse to talk about it then? Is this really the way it will be for our entire relationship? Fight, have sex, fight, have sex...all the while ignoring the huge issues that are bearing down on us?