Awakenings - SF1 (29 page)

"Okay," Jamie agreed.

"I'll be right back," Alison said as she opened the door. "You can get dressed, Jamie."

As Ryan handed her the neatly folded garments she said angrily, "I should have my certificate revoked!"

"What?"

"It's criminal that I didn't notice that you had lost 10 pounds! That's my responsibility, Jamie. I'm really sorry that I let you down."

"You didn't let me down, Ryan. It's all my fault. I knew I was losing weight but I didn't say anything or make any adjustments to my eating. I thought it was really neat to be underweight for a while. I usually gain weight around the holidays so I figured it would all even out."

"I guess it's not as obvious with you because I see you so often. It's hard to detect a change when it comes on so gradually, but I'm still really mad at myself for not noticing it."

"Ryan, you don't see me naked and I've been wearing looser clothes to work out in. I didn't want you to see that I was losing weight. It's really my fault and I'm sorry."

The doctor knocked as she came in again. "You didn't want to be pregnant
,
did you?" she asked with a smile.

"God no!" Jamie shouted.

"Then I have good news," she said with a grin. "You are officially not pregnant."

Jamie threw her arms around Ryan's neck as she broke into tears. Alison just nodded to Ryan and backed out of the room quietly. Jamie cried for a few minutes as Ryan rubbed her back. She finally lifted her head and said," Thank you so much for being with me today. I don't know what I would have done without you."

"I'm glad I was able to be with you. That's what friends are for, Jamie."

When they were back in the car Jamie looked a little embarrassed as she said, "Was it okay to be in the examining room with me? I mean I know I should have asked you first, but I just didn't want to be alone."

"Of course it's okay. I'm honored that you trust me enough to want me to be with you. But I was a little surprised," she admitted. "You seemed so embarrassed last night."

"Oh, I'm just a big baby sometimes. I slapped some sense into myself last night though. I'm gonna try to be more relaxed about my body. It was kinda weird when she was asking me about having sex, though," she admitted.

Ryan patted her now relaxed hand and said, "It's okay Jamie. It's perfectly natural to have sex with your
fiancée
."

Now Jamie blushed deeply. "I know; it's just embarrassing to talk about it."

"Now you know how I felt when you saw me practically having sex in public," Ryan teased.

"There was nothing practical about it Ryan, you were having sex," she teased right back.

Ryan shot her a little grin as she quickly changed the subject. "Tell me about your typical daily caloric intake."

"I have no idea what I take in," she admitted. "I just try to eat when I'm hungry."

"What do you usually have for breakfast?" Ryan inquired.

"Usually a latte', sometimes a biscotti," she replied.

"Okaaaay, what about lunch?"

"I usually get a salad from the Student Union."

"Do you eat anything between breakfast and lunch?" Ryan asked.

"No, I almost never eat between meals. And before you ask I usually make soup and a salad for dinner."

"That sounds like you're eating less than 1000 calories a day!" Ryan nearly shouted.

"Ryan, you told me at the beginning that I needed to eat right. I guess I just ignored you," she admitted.

"Well, you're not going to ignore me anymore. I'm going to watch you like a hawk. And I'm going to weigh you at the gym every week. If you lose another pound you're moving in to my house. Da will fatten you up in no time!"

"Speaking of eating, do you want to have dinner together on Friday?"

"Um, sure," Ryan said as she shook her head slightly at the abrupt change of topic. "I don't have any dinner plans. Where do you want to go?"

"My house. I want to cook for you to thank you for taking such good care of me last night. What's your favorite food?"

"Well, you certainly don't have to do that, Jamie. You're my friend...and my duty as your friend means that I take care of you when you need my help."

"I know that Ryan, but I want to do this. Now spill it!"

"My favorite food--no restrictions?" she asked with a familiar look of satisfied contemplation on her beautiful face. She leaned her head back and closed her eyes. She cocked her head just a little and met Jamie's amused gaze, "Lasagna," she said with finality.

"Lasagna it is," Jamie agreed happily.

When they reached the O'Flaherty home Jamie gave Ryan a broad smile as she said, "Thanks again for being there for me. I just realized that today is Wednesday and you missed all of your clients. Can I pay you back for that?"

"Yes," Ryan said quickly, surprising Jamie a bit. "You can go home and make yourself a nice dinner with the things I bought from the store this morning. Then you can call the nutritionist and make an appointment. After that you can take a long nap and pamper yourself for the rest of the day. If you do all of that we're even," she grinned.

"You're the best friend I have, Ryan," she said softly as she gave her a gentle smile.

After she left the City she stopped at her favorite gourmet grocery store to buy the ingredients for Bolognese sauce. Luckily the store carried her favorite Italian cookbook so she could double check the ingredients.

Once home, she began to make the sauce. She spent a good hour prepping the vegetables and then began to cook. The sauce took her 3 hours to make, but it was delicious. She put some on spaghetti for her dinner, along with a basil, tomato and montrachet salad that she sprinkled with olive oil and balsamic vinegar.
Is this good enough for you Dr. O'Flaherty?

At around 9:30 the phone rang. Ryan's deep voice asked, "Did you speak to the nutritionist?"

"Hi, Ryan, yes I dutifully followed your instructions. I'm meeting with him on Monday. And I've eaten so much today I could burst," she laughed.

"Was this your first pregnancy scare?" Ryan inquired a trifle tentatively.

"Yeah, it was," Jamie said. "And I certainly hope it's my last."

"One more reason to be thankful I'm a lesbian," Ryan teased. "I'd probably have 10 kids by now if I was straight."

"Well, you do seem to have a few things in common with bunnies," Jamie laughed.

"You're just lucky I can't reach you from here," Ryan replied threateningly.

"Where are you anyway? It sounds loud."

"I'm at a bar in Oakland. I've kinda got a date waiting for me so I'd better go."

"Okay, you little rabbit. Don't do anything I wouldn't do," she teased.

"Don't count on it, Jamie. They don't call it the luck of the Irish for nothing," she said as she hung up.

"Now, you're sure you're up to this?" Ryan asked for the third time.

"Yes, Ryan, I'm sure. Tuesday was just an anomaly. I'm much better prepared for the types of calls we can get, I've eaten, and I feel perfectly fine."

Ryan was still concerned, but she trusted Jamie to be able to assess how she felt. She had already decided to tell the operator not to give them any really rough calls if possible.

When they arrived Yvonne greeted them with concern. "Are you feeling alright, hon?" she asked Jamie solicitously.

"Yeah, I'm fine," Jamie assured her. "That was just a series of factors that combined to knock me out. I'll be fine tonight."

They sat in the little cluttered office after Ryan again tried her best to neaten it up. She got Jamie's headset ready and signaled the operator to start putting calls through. After an hour Ryan insisted that they take a break. As they stood outside in the cool night air Ryan asked if she wanted to take some calls. "Oh, I don't know, Ryan. I'm still a little freaked from Tuesday, " she admitted.

"If you want to, I'll talk to the operator and ask her to give you some easy calls. She will do that if we ask."

"I'm willing to try, but will you promise to take over if I ask you to?" she finally agreed.

"Absolutely," she replied without hesitation.

"Gay and Lesbian Teen Talk Line, this is Jamie. How can I help you?" she asked a little nervously.

"Hi, this is Carrie. I've got a problem that I can't figure out. Can you help me?

"I'll certainly try, Carrie. Tell me about it," Jamie replied.

Carrie was 16 years old and was attracted to her best friend. She knew her friend had been sexual with another girl, but Carrie didn't know if she should pursue her friend. She wasn't sure what it would do to their friendship and she was afraid of being labeled gay.

"Tell me about your friend," Jamie asked.

"She's my age and we go to school together. She's real cute and really nice to me. She goes out with boys but she told me about one time when she went down on a girl." Jamie blushed as Ryan caught her eye and gave her a little eyebrow wiggle. "We do almost everything together. She's a lot of fun and she makes me laugh all the time," Carrie explained.

"How do you feel when you're with her?" Jamie inquired.

"It's kinda hard to explain. I guess things just feel right when we're together. My stomach gets all tingly when I know she's coming over."

"Have you had any boyfriends?" Jamie asked.

"Not really boyfriends, but I've gone out with guys," she replied.

"Did you ever really, really like a guy?" Jamie asked patiently.

"Yeah, one guy at school, last year. We went out a couple of times, but he dumped me."

"How did you feel about him? Did it feel anything like you feel for your friend?"

"No, not really. I liked him and everything, but it didn't feel like it does with Lori."

"Have you had sex with any guys yet?" Jamie asked.

"No, I haven't had sex. I don't want to until I'm sure about a guy.
"
Wow, I'm really impressed! I thought every 16 year old girl had lost her virginity
. "I've given guys blow jobs, but that's all," she said proudly.
Oh brother
.

She turned to Ryan who was grinning broadly. Jamie stuck her tongue out at her and continued on gamely, "Do you think about having sex with your friend?"

"Yeah, I think about it all the time. I think about how she would feel and what it would be like to kiss her and stuff," Carrie replied.

"Hmmm," Jamie thought for a moment, and finally replied, "You know
,
Carrie, it's possible to have very complex feelings for your friends. Some of those feelings might be sexual. But just because you have that feeling doesn't make you a lesbian. Actually, sometimes it's hard to tell if your feelings are really sexual or just a desire for closeness. It's possible that you just want to feel even closer to Lori and you think that sex is the way to do that."

"I don't know," Carrie replied suspiciously, "I think I really wanna have sex with her."

Another glance at Ryan earned another lascivious wink.

"Has she given you any indication that she would like to have sex with you?" Jamie asked.

"No, not really. We hug and stuff but that's about all."

"Imagine that she came over to your house tonight and you had sex. How do you think you would feel tomorrow?" Jamie inquired.

"I think I'd feel good..." she replied, "But I'm afraid that I'd feel gay."

"What does that mean to you, 'to feel gay'?" Jamie asked. "Do you think your friends or your parents would be different to you if they thought you were gay? Or is it how you feel about yourself?"

"I guess I'm afraid of what the other kids at school would say if they found out," she admitted.

"Do you think that Lori is someone you can trust? How many people did she tell that she had sex with another girl? Jamie asked.

"I think I'm the only one who knows. None of our other friends have ever mentioned it."

"Okay, I think I've got enough information to give you my opinion," Jamie said after a moment. "It sounds like you really care a lot for Lori. It also sounds like you are really interested in pursuing a sexual dimension to your relationship. But your privacy is very important too, and you're afraid that your friends will give you a hard time if they found out."

"Yeah, that's all true," Carrie agreed.

"Do you really feel that you need to make a decision right now?" Jamie asked.

"Um, no I guess I don't," she admitted.

"One option is to continue to play with your fantasies. You could be a little more open to Lori with your feelings in general. Then if she feels the same way, she may approach you. That might take some of the pressure off," Jamie said.

"Okay, I think I could do that," she agreed tentatively.

"Another option is to tell her that you are confused by your feelings for her. You can tell her that you feel that things are changing in your relationship and ask if she feels them too. If she says no, you're not as vulnerable as you would be if you made some physical overture that she didn't like."