Autumn Leaves (18 page)

“Do you think this is wrong? Do you think anyone has the right to tell me I’m not supposed to feel this for you?”

“No,” Rebecca whispered. “No one.”

* * * *

Callie started to prepare dinner, her eyes still on Rebecca who was now very focused, working on the last touches of the website to be shown to Father Langdon tomorrow. She couldn’t fathom the thought, couldn’t think of when Rebecca would say good-bye to her in the evening, going home to her family, her husband.

It was a good thing that she didn’t have to pay a lot of attention to what she did, because her thoughts were drifting. They’d met in a place they hadn’t even known existed, a space in between their lives. There was still so much she didn’t know about Rebecca. She wanted to know everything, and yet at the same time, pretend a part of it didn’t exist. Rebecca, who met David and fell in love, wanting to spend the rest of her life with him, and have a family. Callie sighed to herself, turning to the stove where the pasta was almost ready. She had chosen her path, so it was too late now to complain about everything that happened on the side of that road.

“I can’t believe it! I made it!”

The mood had swung the other way, from melancholic and somber to giddy and carefree.

“Thank you.” Rebecca gave her a warm smile. “I couldn’t have made it without you. Thanks for feeding me too. See, you can cook after all. I love it.”

“Everyone can cook pasta,” Callie protested, secretly pleased. She didn’t care for doing things halfway in a relationship, and she liked to pay attention to detail. Like the creamy sauce that made up part of just about the only thing she could cook, but had always satisfied until now, like the sweet wine that had put the color to Rebecca’s cheeks.

“Not like that. It’s sinful. If I didn’t know any better, I’d think you were trying to seduce me.”

“Would you like dessert?” Callie asked, her heart beating fast when her thoughts wandered back to where they had left off late this morning.

“Later maybe. At this point, it’s not a good idea I think. I’d just fall asleep on you.”

“Right.” At times, Rebecca was fumbling, trying to make sense of what she felt, wanting, struggling to communicate it. At other times she was completely aware, flirting heavily, and it was times like that when Callie was helpless.

“I’ll just put a few things in the dishwasher and then we can go to the living room and...not yet fall asleep.”

“I’d love that.”

Rebecca was about to follow her, but Callie shook her head. “You get comfortable. I’ll be right back. I promised you a reward after all.”

When she came to the living room, the lights were dimmed, soft music playing. Fascinating how Rebecca went straight for the kill. Callie had almost forgotten about the Eva Cassidy album, but she remembered quickly how that one song had always made her cry. Maybe it was a subconscious decision to move to this town after all.

“Can I ask for this dance?”

Callie stood frozen for a few seconds. This was not quite what she had expected. “I guess.”

Rebecca’s arms came around her, and then she just leaned into her warmth, closing her eyes, as the music enveloped them. There were many things she would have liked to say, but each of them would have shattered the spell woven around them. Callie just remained silent, feeling safer than she had in forever in the closeness.

One song followed another, but they were not in a hurry to end the dance. There was no end really, kisses, starting soft and gentle, turning deeper and hungrier. Callie couldn’t have said how it happened that she found herself on the couch, Rebecca getting on her knees in front of her in one fluid motion.

“I seem to remember that I promised
you
a reward.”

Rebecca smiled slightly. “This is my reward,” she said.

They had dessert after all later, strawberry ice cream. Callie imagined that Rebecca seemed different, more relaxed. She had defined her boundaries clearly, and stepped over them.

“I would go as far as making you sleep in for real, but tomorrow’s Sunday.” Callie realized it wasn’t the right thing to say when the shadow crossed over Rebecca’s face. There were fragile truths between them. Faith. Family. It didn’t matter how much love Callie had, she wouldn’t be able to change those.

“I don’t know if I want to go to church.”

“You still have the meeting with Father Langdon.”

“Yeah.” Rebecca sighed and put her plate back on the table. “He’d wonder.”

“What is the worst thing that could happen?”

The look that Rebecca gave her made Callie flinch slightly. How she could go from happy to haunted in a heartbeat. “I don’t know. It just doesn’t seem right. Not because...you know why.”

There was a split second, a window of opportunity opening so briefly that it was almost impossible not to miss. Rebecca could have told David the truth, asked for a divorce. He didn’t seem like the vengeful type. Hell, he wasn’t even there most of the time. Callie had never imagined herself to become a co-mother, let alone of two children of which one was a teenager. For that moment, she would have gone all the way, but Rebecca didn’t say anything indicating she had even considered this solution. Then it was gone.

“Yeah, I know. I just think you don’t want to draw any attention to yourself right now. Let’s go to church. Go get your check afterwards and we’ll take it from there.”

“Can we still be friends after all this?”

“I don’t see why we can’t,” Callie said quickly, wondering if she was making promises too soon. “I know you have...ties. I knew that before. I just needed to be sure you wanted it too.”

“Why is this happening now?” Rebecca asked, her frustration evident. “I’ve been ready to settle for being with one person for the rest of my life since forever. I wanted everything to turn out exactly like this. Why?”

If Callie had been a therapist, she might have pointed out Rebecca’s questionable choice of words, “settle.” As it was, she didn’t have the heart to do it.

“I don’t know. All I know is that at some point in my life I kept making deals with God, but it seemed to me that He never upheld his part of the deal, so I gave it up. Things happen randomly, good and bad, so you better hold on to the good ones.”

“I feel like a coward. I don’t like it.”

Callie thought she could have easily used Rebecca’s state of mind to push her just a bit more. She wasn’t going to. That wasn’t what love meant. “It’s a lot to take in. I’m not looking forward to having to let you go back to your life, but I know that’s what’s going to happen. I don’t think you’re a coward for it.”

“I need to tell him.”

Callie could have sworn she’d stopped breathing for a moment long enough to make her feel lightheaded. It was a good thing she was already sitting.

“Are you sure?”

“No,” Rebecca admitted, “but it’s the only thing I can do to save my marriage or find out that I’ve been lying to myself all of the time.” Her voice broke ever so slightly, making it impossible for Callie to be angry or disappointed with her. “I’m so sorry. You wouldn’t even be here if life was so good to you. This...it’s really nothing in comparison.”

“That’s not true. It could have been worse. It always can be worse.” Callie had gained some distance, geographically and in her mind. She knew she was lucky she made her escape after the first time Nicole threw dishes in an anger that wasn’t comprehensible even to her.

She remembered sitting in her car, crying and shaking so hard that she couldn’t drive, because she spent the previous months living in fear for this moment. Maybe Rebecca was right about confessing to her husband, and whatever it meant for Callie in the end wouldn’t be as hard. There was no doubt it would shatter Rebecca’s world all the same. If that happened, Callie would have a part in it.

“Maybe you should give yourself some more time. Find out what you really feel.”

“I know what I feel. I want to be with you, so badly, but I can’t do this to David. I can’t lose my children.”

Rebecca had certainly made her priorities clear. Asking anything beyond tomorrow evening would be tempting fate.

“I know,” Callie simply said. “Can you just be with me tonight?”

* * * *

They made love—desperate, passionate, and undeniable. Rebecca knew Callie let her off easily. She pondered the reasons all through service and her subsequent meeting with Father Langdon, who was quite enthusiastic about her work. Nothing bad happened. No finger was pointed at her, no voice came out of nowhere judging her, of course not. She sat in the usual pew, Roz with her mother and the LaRue family across the aisle.

In the midst of the choir, singing songs of the power of faith and the mercy of God, Callie looked as beautiful as ever. Surprisingly, Rebecca did not turn into a pillar of salt thinking it. Maybe that should have given her a hint as to why this was happening to her now.

Callie waited for her, and they took a walk in the autumn leaves that fell from the huge trees lining the path behind the church. It felt natural, so much that Rebecca felt her fingers twitch, wanting to reach out and take Callie’s hand. She wasn’t ready. Rebecca wasn’t even sure if she could have done it, had the story of her life been different, if she had indeed known all her life. It was hard to imagine her life without her family, but even then, she might not have been ready for people to stare. The realization was sobering. Maybe she wasn’t better than any of them after all.

She was even more at a loss than ever before. However, she couldn’t bring herself to regret her dance on the edge. Without it, she probably would have wondered for the rest of her life. The ringing of her cell phone made them both flinch. Time was ticking away. They were painfully aware of it.

“Hey, baby. How did it go?” David’s voice was soft and apologetic.

“All’s well. Got the check,” Rebecca said, wondering how she’d ever face him without giving herself away.

“That’s great. We’ve been missing you. Can’t wait to be home.”

“I miss you too.” Her response came instantly. She missed the girls’ laughter. She supposed she missed David, too, but Rebecca also had years of getting accustomed to him not always being around. She had days to deal with the fact that her world was turned upside down. To be honest, she was almost glad he hadn’t called more often.

“We’ll be there around five,” David said. “Don’t cook dinner. I’ve got a surprise for you.”

“I can’t wait.”

“I’ll see you later then. Oh, and brace yourself; we might have gone a little overboard with the shopping, but then again, you don’t go to Disneyland every day.”

“Oh, David.” Her smile was a bit more genuine now. There was a reason why she hardly ever sent him shopping with Dina and Maggie. Possibly out of residual guilt due to his absences, he just couldn’t tell them ‘no’.

“Don’t worry. We didn’t break the bank.”

“Good. You didn’t put Snow White into the trunk?”

David laughed. “I don’t think we could have gotten her through security, so no. I’ll talk to you later.”

“Yeah,” she said, feeling lost as she stood in the middle of Callie’s living room, cell phone in hand. “Have a good trip. Bye.”

Callie, who retreated to the kitchen when she took the call, stood in the doorway, regarding her thoughtfully.

Rebecca was uncomfortably reminded of the half-hearted promises she made. She couldn’t possibly sleep next to David with this secret between them. She couldn’t confront her family who was about to return from a wonderful vacation. Then again, it was wonderful without her too. Maybe they didn’t need her as much as she’d thought they did. Then there was the subject of the pregnancy test. Truth be told, Rebecca went with what everybody had told her and not thought about it that much. It made her feel even worse now.

Callie came to her, wordlessly pulling her close.

There was no use in pretending. Their time was coming to an end.

Chapter Eight

“Are you crazy?” Rebecca stood, slack-jawed at the sight of all the bags and boxes the girls unearthed from David’s car. “Is there anything left at Disneyland?” She couldn’t be mad though, taking in their happy smiles. Maggie was obviously in heaven, and Dina had for once put aside the pretend adult attitude. Rebecca could tell they’d had a great time, and she felt a twinge of regret. She could have been there, but she’d skipped the chance for a few hundred dollars they didn’t really need so badly. Maybe Father Langdon would have understood after all and gone with another company.

Hard to imagine, she wouldn’t have spent those nights with Callie. Surprisingly, she didn’t feel like the world’s most despicable liar now.

“Look, I’m sorry. I postponed that talk with Dina. I thought it’d better be done woman to woman?” David said as they stood on the porch, the girls already inside the house. Rebecca cringed slightly. Even though she knew that at some point she was going to have to get used to thinking of Dina as a woman, it didn’t seem the right time yet.

“More like panicked mother to teenage daughter who knows way too much for my comfort. Sure. I’m on it.”

“Thank you.” He pulled her close for a kiss. “We’ll get to your surprise after that, okay?”

Rebecca laughed a little. “Does that mean you’ve all forgiven me?” Not a good choice of words either, when she thought about it.