Ash (4 page)

“And neither will you, McGregor, because that dick of yours will fall off before you get the chance to stand on any kind of leg,” Chuck mocked, and the room erupted into laughter.

I sat back, drank my coffee, and said nothing. I enjoyed watching the guys rip each other apart. It always cheered me up, especially after a bad night.

Danny, regardless of his cocky confidence, wasn’t the ladies man he tried to let on. He was a loveable rogue who wanted nothing more than his forever. It was just taking him a while to figure out who she was and where she was. He looked at me and shook his head. The insults rolled off him like water off a duck.

He strolled over to where I sat and took the seat next to me. “Are you and Jake still coming to the game on Thursday night?” He changed the subject as if the piss had never been taken out of him.

“I’m team captain. It would be rude of me not to show up,” I replied.

“Are you okay, man?” he asked, keeping his voice low.

I looked at him and raised an eyebrow. “Yeah, why?”

“You seem off.”

“I’m good, Scout’s honor,” I lied.

“Don’t lie to me.”

Danny stared at me in contemplation. He wasn’t going to let it go.

“Listen, I don’t want to talk about it here. You know I don’t bring my personal shit into work.” I set my coffee cup down and stood. “Stop by for some pizza tonight. Jake’s been asking about his Uncle Danny.”

Danny nodded. When I invited him over for pizza, there was something deeper in need of discussing and a chance of beer.

I sat finishing my incident report when Joe’s voice boomed up the stairs. “We are a close-knit team here. We work alongside each other, and support each other at every incident. There is no room for tardiness or lack of motivation. Here, we are proactive and use our own initiative when not out saving lives.”

I looked up from the paperwork and saw his brawny frame overshadowing the new recruit. Shaking my head, I smirked. I remember getting the same spiel when I first came here to work. Underneath all the harsh words, Joe was a decent chief. He just liked to show off his rank every now and then.

I shook my head and signed my name.

“Benton!” Joe cried.

“Yes, sir?” I glanced up and saw him walk toward me, the shadow of the new recruit a few feet behind.

I pushed myself to my feet and stood to attention. It was a bit of a habit, one I couldn’t kick. I was sure Joe appreciated it.

“We’ve a new addition to the family,” he announced. “Sophia Dubois, meet Lieutenant Benton. He’ll fill you in on all the jargon and the goings-on in this place.” Joe stepped to the side and glanced at the woman. A grin spread across his face. “Don’t be so shy. He won’t bite.”

Joe walked back across the hall and into his office.

The familiar face in front of me caught me by surprise.

“You!” she said, glaring at me.

“Small world, huh?” I folded my arms across my chest, the heavy ink on my forearms on display.

She rolled her eyes and smirked. “Apparently,” she said in her French accent.

“You do know how to follow rules, right?” I asked, unable to help myself. “And not to mention judging people before you know anything about them. Because if you have a problem with biting that bitter tongue of yours, this department really isn’t suitable for you.”

She chuckled and moved closer to me. “I didn’t work my tail off for some inked-up jock—isn’t that what you people call yourselves?—to tell me what a suitable place of work is. As if I’d listen to you.”

“Well, the thing is, I’m your superior, so technically you have to play ball,” I replied, irked by her response.

“Hmm, we shall see. Anyway, as much as I am enjoying this,” she pointed her finger at me, “I’d much rather be with those on my level.”

“Be my guest.” I stepped aside and watched her walk out of the office into the dining area, much to the amusement of a few of the guys.

I didn’t give a shit whether she was new or not. She had a serious attitude problem. After our initial meeting at the zoo, she wasn’t the kind of person I wanted to be associated with. Yet, here she was, in my station, working under the same roof as me, and there wasn’t a thing I could do about it.

By the time my shift was over, I jumped in my car without saying goodbye to the guys and headed straight home. I loved my job. Between it and Jake, it gave me a reason to get up each day and live my life. There were days when I could have done without some of the bullshit. Today had been one of those days.

I pulled up outside my apartment and sat in silence for a few minutes before heading in. I just needed a few minutes grace. It was something of a habit these days, and I liked the two minutes to myself before putting on my dad hat. Several minutes later, I unlocked the front door and heard Jake thundering up the hallway.

“Daddy’s home!” he shouted. “Daddy’s home!” He ran toward me and jumped into my arms.

I barely had time to set my bag down.

“Hey, kiddo,” I said, and kissed his cheek. “How’ve you been today?”

“Good,” he replied.

I walked to the kitchen where my mother stood by the sink.

“And how’s Grandma been, huh?” I said, winking at her.

Jake looked at me. His mouth curved into a smile and it made me laugh.

“Erm, how’ve you been, Grandma?”

My mother giggled, set down the drying cloth, and walked over to where I stood. “I’ve been good,” she replied, and playfully pinched Jake on the nose. “Give your daddy two minutes. Off you go.” She coaxed Jake out of my arms.

He ran into the living room as if he didn’t have a care in the world.

I kissed my mother’s cheek and took off my jacket.

“You look tired,” she remarked.

“Yeah.” I ran a hand across the back of my neck. “It’s been a long day.”

“Are you sleeping any better?” She examined me, trying to read my face.

My mother could never quite get it right. I suppose I didn’t give too much of myself away. It made her feel like she couldn’t help me, but being a man on the verge of hitting thirty-years-old, I couldn’t depend on her to constantly pick me up or mend my wounded soul. It wasn’t fair on either of us, so I left the burdens of my pain hidden.

“I get enough to get by,” I replied, and sat down at the breakfast bar.

“Hmm, is Jake still sleeping in beside you?” She raised a brow.

“He wakens every night.”

My mother sighed. “Ashley, I’ve told you that you’ve got to break that habit of his. He’s getting too old.”

“Mom, I know, but it’s kinda hard when I’m exhausted, and trying to get him to go back to sleep in his own room. I’m hoping he grows out of it.”

I fiddled with the placemat and avoided meeting my mother’s gaze.

“Honey, are things getting too much?” Her voice sounded softer.

I glanced at her and closed my eyes. “It’s just hard. Between trying to balance my shifts and Jake’s school run and activities, it’s just so damned hard. I feel like I can’t catch my breath.”

My mother sat down on the stool beside me and touched my hand.

“I’m not looking for sympathy, Mom,” I said. “I’m just a little lost.”

“Sweetheart, you were dealt a shitty hand, that much no one can deny, but you’re doing an amazing job with Jake. Look at that little boy and tell me that he doesn’t believe for a second that he’s not loved. You’re a wonderful father, and are just too hard on yourself. You need to think of your own needs, not just Jake’s.”

I didn’t want her seeing the weak and sorry excuse she had for a son. “Every time I look at him, I see Connie. And every time I think of her, I’m reminded that I’m never going to see her again. It kills me in a way I can’t explain.”

“Oh, Ashley.” She gently squeezed my hand. “I know you’re still hurting, but you can’t go through this alone. Let me help more. I can have Jake a few nights a week, that way you don’t need to feel pressured into trying to do it all.”

Shaking my head, I stood and walked to the sink. I rested my hands on the cold stainless steel and gripped it tight.

“Not happening. He’s my child. I will deal with it. Besides, you do enough already.”

“Ashley,” she said.

I cut her off. “Mom, please, I know you’re trying to help, but I need to do this on my own.”

I turned around and saw the pain in her eyes.

“You’re not going to back down, are you?” she asked. She stood, grabbing her keys and purse from the counter.

“I’m sorry. You know I love you, and I appreciate everything you do for me, but I need to do this my own way.”

She walked over to me, touched my face, and smiled. “You’re so handsome. You make me proud every day. Promise me you won’t lose who you are to this grief.”

I took her hand and kissed the back of it. “I promise.”

“Very well. I’ll pick Jake up after daycare tomorrow,” she said, making her way up the hall. “Your father is taking him to the zoo on Wednesday, and I believe we’re all going to Mackenzie’s charity game on Thursday night.”

“See? Everything is under control.” I followed in her wake, trying to sound a little chirper.

“Bye, Jake,” she shouted into the living room.

Jake waved at her and turned his attention back to his Lego set.

“Bye, Mom. Thanks again.” I kissed her cheek.

“Make sure he sleeps in his own bed, and you get some rest,” she ordered, closing the door behind her.

I rested my head against the door and closed my eyes for the umpteenth time, trying to think of a time when life wasn’t this stressful.

“Daddy?” Jake asked.

I turned my head and saw him standing in the doorway, staring at me. “What’s up?”

“Are you sad?”

I laughed and shook my head. “Nope. I’m just tired.”

“Can I play Minecraft?”

“It’s nearly bedtime,” I replied, glancing at my watch.

“Please!”

“Okay, for fifteen minutes, then it’s bedtime.” I smiled at him.

He ran and hugged me before zooming into the living room and picking up the Playstation controller.

While Jake played his game, I took a quick shower, washing away the day, the grime, and the irritation.

By the time I got out of the shower and checked on him, Jake was rubbing his eyes and yawning.

“Right,” I said, grabbing the remote and switching off the television. “Game time is over.”

“Okay, Daddy,” he replied, yawning once more.

On a good day, Jake made parenting easy. He listened and tried his best to be independent. It couldn’t have made me prouder. My son was funny, with an amazing sense of humor, a little like his mother, and he always brought out the better man in me.

“How do you make a tissue dance?” he asked as I helped him into bed.

“I’ve no idea.”

He giggled. “You put a little boogie in it.”

It was impossible not to laugh. Jake’s laughter was infectious.

I joined in, shaking my head at how ridiculous the joke was. I was impressed that he could articulate it in a way that had us both nearly crying.

“Right, kiddo, sleep time.”

Jake snuggled down into his pillow and cuddled his teddy to his chest.

I kissed his forehead and ruffled his hair.

He giggled and yawned again.

“Sleep tight. I love you,” I said.

“I love you, too.”

Switching off the light, I left the room, leaving the door ajar. I felt hopeful that he’d stay in his room the whole night, but who was I kidding?