Ash (2 page)

The little girl held onto me, afraid for her life.

I held her tight and approached the paramedic.

He checked her over, making sure she was okay. “She’s a clinger,” Marco said, listening to her chest.

“He’s a real ladies man,” Tyler remarked, nodding at me as he walked past the bus.

“I can’t help it that I know how to handle kids,” I said in my defense.

I smiled and gazed down at her. She couldn’t have been older than my own little boy, Jake. For the briefest moment, panic set in. In the far reaches of my mind, I wondered how Jake would cope if he’d been in the little girl’s shoes. Would he have known to do what I’ve always told him? Imagining all the what ifs and terrible outcomes left me craving home more than ever.

Five minutes later, the little girl was reunited with her crying mother.

“Thank you so much,” the mother cried, cradling the child in her arms. She closed her eyes and held a hand out to me. “Thank you from the bottom of my heart.”

“You’re welcome, ma’am,” I said, squeezing her hand. “I’m just doing my job.”

I smiled and turned to walk away when I heard her say, “God bless you.”

Hearing those words brought it all back to me. Connie’s lifeless face, the looks of sympathy, Jake in my mother’s arms, the constant words of “God bless you,” the warm handshakes, and a headache that never seemed to end. I closed my eyes, willing the memory to go away.

Someone patted me on the shoulder.

“You did good in there, Ash,” Joe said.

“I did what any of us would do,” I replied, opening my eyes.

Joe glared at me. “You good?”

“Of course,” I lied.

“You make sure Marco checks you over.” He pointed a finger at me as if I were a bad child.

“I’m good, Joe.”

“No choice. You were in there, risking your life. You get the full works. The first round is on me.”

“Aye, aye, captain.”

This was typical of Joe Cornell, our captain. The hero of the hour, he was also a stickler for protocol. Who was I to argue with him?

Like an obedient pup, I made my way back to Marco and sat on the bus, waiting to have my vitals taken.

“I don’t know how you boys do it,” Marco said, checking my chest.

“We do it because it’s our job.”

“Yeah, I get it, but to have the balls to run into a blazing building . . . Man, I’m not sure I could do it.”

I saw Marco’s brow furrow. It was odd seeing him like this. We’d worked together many times, but not once had he ever remarked on the dangers of what we did. It made him vulnerable.

“I don’t think about it. People depend on me, and if I don’t step up, then someone dies. I don’t want that on my conscience.”

Marco nodded and smiled. “We can’t save them all, Ash.”

“No, but if I can save a few, then I’ll die a happy bastard.”

We laughed, and the mood lightened.

“You’re good to go,” he said, holding the stethoscope in his hand.

I bounced down from the back of the bus and ran a hand through my hair, “Cheers, man. Are you heading to The Grafton later?”

“Damned right. I need to loosen up,” Marco replied. “I’ve the next two days off, so I’m going to relax in style.”

In Marco’s case, that meant boozed up and with the flavor of the month.

“I’ll catch you later,” I replied, and shook his hand.

I walked back to the truck, going through the motions. It was always like this for me, and it took me a while to digest everything. Under normal circumstances, I would have been euphoric about saving the kid. Things had changed, however, and my perspective was contemplative these days.

The ride back to the station was filled with jokes, and being the man of the moment left me open to a few digs. I smiled and nodded, thinking about getting home to Jake.

“You see, the thing with Ash,” Danny continued, “is that he is a giver.”

The guys erupted in laughter.

I, on the other hand, rolled my eyes and went with the flow.

“Giving to those who need a good seeing to,” Danny said, and burst into laughter.

This was all I needed. Danny was doing everything in his power to help me “move on,” but I wasn’t ready. He knew that. Hell, most of the guys did, too, but he refused to let me sit and wallow in my pity.

I gave him
the
look.

He shook his head and changed the subject. “Will your mom sit a little longer with Jake?”

“I’m pretty sure she will, but I’m thinking about bailing on drinks and heading home.”

Danny gave me his infamous wounded look and shook his head. “Not on my watch. You’ve earned those shots.”

I knew he’d never back down, and drinks it was.

“Are you sure?” I asked my mom as I walked up Lincoln Avenue. “I promise I won’t be too late.”

“Oh, honey, stay out as late as you want. I can sleep in the den,” my mother replied.

I wished she’d beg me to come home, letting me off the hook. My mother wanted me to be happy, and she thought my going out with the boys was the way forward. Little did she know how much I craved being holed up in my apartment with my son.

“Okay, I’ll see you soon.”

I took a huge breath and opened the door to the bar before stepping inside.

The Grafton was booming. The guys were in fine form. Drinks were flowing.

Danny had a line of drinks waiting for me. “My boy!” he shouted. “Bottoms up!” He handed me a drink.

I shot back the Jameson. “You are a hard man to say no to,” I muttered.

“That’s because you know I don’t play those games.” Danny smirked and shook his head.

Danny had been my best friend from day one. I’d known him all my life. The two of us grew up together and been rookies. All the fuck-ups, the crazy nights, the eventual double dates—he’d been there through it all. He served as best man at my wedding, gave the dumbest speech known to man, and he’d been there for me throughout Connie’s illness. His friendship was priceless, and I always found it hard to say no to him. Given everything that had happened, he was the only person who truly got me. He understood the dark places my mind took me to and never once judged me.

As the drinks continued to flow, the more relaxed I became. The music vibrated through my skull as I drank another shot of whiskey. Out of the corner of my eye, I caught sight of Tracey. She looked good, but she always did.

Tracey saw me and approached. “Hey,” she said.

I nodded at her. “Tracey.”

“I didn’t expect seeing you here. It’s not usually your scene.”

She took a sip of her drink and kept her eyes on mine.

“Yeah, Danny wasn’t taking no for an answer.” I chortled.

“I heard about the kid you saved. Well done,” she said, moving in a little too close for comfort. She brushed her leg against mine.

I shifted my position and smiled, moving back against the bar. “Thanks. I was only doing my job.”

“Isn’t that all any of us do?” She raised an eyebrow.

“Sure, I guess.” I sipped at my whiskey, hating the fact that I had her attention.

“So, do you wanna get out of here?”

She took me by surprise. I wasn’t expecting her to be so up front.

“What? Like now?” I sounded like a complete novice.

“Well, sure, right now,” she replied, taking the whiskey glass from my hand and setting in on the bar behind me. Tracey took a hold of my hand. “Come on, you can walk me home.”

I grabbed my jacket from the barstool.

Danny smirked at me.

I walked past him and followed Tracey out of the busy bar.

Once outside, she linked arms with me and giggled.

“What’s so funny?”

She cocked her head to the side, her eyes focused on me. “You’re so uptight, Ash. Has anyone ever told you that?”

Again, she caught me off guard. I didn’t reply and stared at the ground as we headed up the street.

“Don’t tell me the cat’s got your tongue.” She nudged my arm with her elbow.

I looked at her and shrugged. “I don’t do these things often.”

“I’ve noticed.”

Tracey had been working at the station for about five months. She’d transferred from Detroit and had become a valued member of the team. Sometimes, she was quite outspoken and took me by surprise. From everything I’d heard, she wasn’t shy about being forward and always seemed to get her way.

“Well, with a kid at home, I’ve other priorities.” I sounded like an ass.

“That doesn’t mean you have to forget about your needs.”

I laughed. “And what would they be?”

“Good, plain, old-fashioned fucking.”

“Yeah,” I replied, running a hand across the back of my neck.

Tracey continued her pursuit. “You can’t deny there’s been something pulling us together, Ash.”

I let out a sigh. She’d been on my tail for a few weeks, but the lust wasn’t mutual. I didn’t want this.

“I think all that booze has gone to your head.”

Before I had the chance to end things, Tracey went in for the kill. Taking my hand, she led me down a small entryway and pushed me up against the wall.

“What are you—?”

Tracey pressed her lips against mine, and I kissed her back. She slipped her tongue in my mouth, and I could taste the rum. Tracey didn’t stop there. Her hands unzipped the flies on my jeans, touching my cock.

I couldn’t help the arousal as she released my erection and worked my hardness. All the while, we continued to kiss. The touch of a woman against my flesh once more excited me, yet the broken part of me refused to allow myself the small pleasures in life.

“No,” I muttered, and broke our kiss. I pushed her off me.

“What the fuck, Ash?”

I fixed my jeans and refused to look at her. “I’ll get you a cab home.”

“Seriously?”

I walked back up the small alley and back out onto the sidewalk, trying my best not to show her how embarrassed I was.

“You know what, Ash?” she said, marching up behind me. “Your wife has been dead a long time. You need to move the fuck on before you wind up a lonely old bastard.”

“I’ll take my chances,” I replied, eyeballing her.

“Fuck you!” She walked back down toward the bar.

I let out a long exasperated breath and brushed her words off, heading back to the only place I wanted to be—home. Everything else could go to hell.

I swallowed the hard ball at the back of my throat and resisted the lure of my grief. More than twelve months had passed since my wife’s death, but it still was so very new to us both. Adjusting had been hard. It wasn’t a quick process.

I glanced at the picture beside the bed and smiled. Connie was everything a guy needed. I’d fallen in love with her when I saw her in the school library when we were both sixteen years old. Nothing broke the spell, not until the cold hands of fate tore her from my side.

I closed my eyes, moments away from losing my composure. A headache loomed at the back of my head. The bitter taste of my brief encounter with Tracey left me regretting ever leaving the bar with her and being there in the first place.

Breathe, you dumbass, I thought, resting my arm across my face.

Jake stirred from his sleep and let out a yawn, stretching his arms out. “Good morning, Daddy,” he mumbled, cuddling into my side.

“Morning to you, too, buddy.”

I turned onto my side and pulled him into my arms. Morning cuddles were always the best. He was so warm and snugly, I would have been happy enough to stay there all day.

“I’m hungry,” he whispered in my ear.

“How about pancakes?”

He shot me a look and a cheeky grin before breaking free from my arms and jumping off the bed. “I’ll beat ya,” he shouted.

Jake exited the room, zoomed up the hallway, and giggled as I ran after him.

“Not if I get you first,” I shouted after him, much to his delight.

Every morning, I made it my mission to begin each day with a positive vibe. No matter how life liked to defeat me, I faced it all head on and refused to allow any of the sadness to affect Jake.