Artist's Dream (23 page)

That was how her father found her, spread-legged on the floor. She glanced up to meet his eyes, then went back to her wood. They had not spoken since the night before when she’d finally ventured out to give him a blanket and pillow for the sofa.

“I wanted to apologize for yesterday,” he started.

She nodded, but didn’t speak. She would let him have his say.

“You were right. I keep forgetting that you’re all grown up, capable of making your own decisions and choices now.”

“Thank you. I hope you mean that,” she said sincerely.

“Just so you understand that I don’t necessarily agree with your choices.”

“You don’t have to. My life here isn’t a reflection on you.”

“No. But there are still members of the church that remember you and ask about you. I have a difficult time coming up with excuses for your absence.”

She allowed a small smile. “You mean, you lie to them, Reverend?”

She was surprised that he smiled, too. “I may have stretched the truth a bit,” he admitted.

“Surely you haven’t said I’m married with four kids or someŹthing.”

He didn’t respond and she was afraid to know what he’d been telling people. But it really didn’t matter to her. It was very unlikely she would ever see any of them again.

“Is there something I can do? Fix lunch?” he offered.

“I won’t subject you to tofu. How about we drive into town?”

“Maybe get a burger?” he asked hopefully.

“And maybe get a burger,” she agreed. “Give me about a half hour.”

After he left, she realized that this was the most they had talked in years and the first time they had talked of anything personal. She wondered what was going on with him. Something had to have triggered his sudden need to see her. Last Thanksgiving, they had not even spoken on the phone, much less seen each other.

On the drive into town, she broached the subject of Thanksgiving dinner. He had never met Lisa and Cassie couldn’t remember a time when she had mentioned her name. And then there was Luke. She didn’t want him to think that it would just be Kim there. And hon-esdy, she was afraid he was planning a preaching session.

“Dinner on Thanksgiving is at Kim’s,” she said. “It’s become a tradition since I moved here.”

“If you’re worried I’ll cause a scene, you can put your mind at rest. She is past saving.”

She let out a heavy sigh, one he didn’t miss, but she held her tongue. “Kim lives with someone. Lisa. And there’ll be another

friend there. Luke.” Just saying her name out loud caused Cassie to flush. She had not allowed her thoughts to go to Luke much and they had not spoken. She decided she would call her tonight, after she was settled for bed.

“Luke? Is he someone you’re seeing?”

Cassie nearly drove off the road, and she coughed several times in panic. He?

“Actually, Luke is a woman friend. She bought a couple of my pieces awhile back. She’s from the city and didn’t have plans so we invited her to join us,” she said in a rush.

“Is she … like Kim?” he finally asked.

“Like Kim?”

“You know perfectly well what I mean,” he snapped.

She nodded. “Yes. Yes, she is. Is that going to be a problem?”

“Why you insist on hanging out with those people, I’ll never know. Thick as thieves, I tell you! And you expect me to have dinner with them?”

“They’re just people. And if you think you can’t handle it, I’ll recommend a good restaurant in town. You may prefer dinner alone instead of eating with those people.”

“Cassandra, why? Don’t you think people talk? They see you with them, don’t you think they’ll assume you’re one of them, too?”

She laughed. “It’s not like anybody cares, you know.”

“Well they should care,” he said, his voice deepening as if about to launch into a Sunday sermon. “It’s sinful. Down right perŹverted!”

She refused to take the bait and get into an argument she could not win. “Old Towne is supposed to have a great Thanksgiving meal.” Then she lowered her voice. “I refuse to let you ruin my Thanksgiving. Who I choose to spend it with is not your concern. You can either join us or eat alone,” she threatened. But despite her brave words, her heart pounded nervously in her chest.

“I’ll think about it,” he said, not giving in easily.

Cassie was disappointed later when Luke’s machine picked up. She left only a brief message, telling her she could call later if she wanted. She did add a quick “I miss you” before hanging up, though.

She laid in bed for hours as sleep eluded her. She had hoped Luke would call, and she wondered if she had gone into the city or if she was out with someone.

She pushed the sudden stab of jealousy aside. Luke could go out if she wanted. It wasn’t like they had a commitment or anything. Did they? She wondered what Luke really thought about Cassie’s inability to deal with her father. Luke had been out so long, was openly gay with friends and family alike, probably out professionŹally, as well. Cassie didn’t think Luke was the type to hide who she was from anyone. Maybe Luke had decided Thanksgiving dinner with Cassie’s father would be too much for her. Maybe she had already made other plans.

But surely she would have called if she had. Wouldn’t she? Cassie rolled over and punched at her pillow, mad at herself for being so weak when it came to her father. Was she willing to sacrifice her relationship with Luke to please a man she hardly spoke to, much less spent time with?

And how would Luke treat her at dinner? As a friend she hardly knew or as a lover?

A lover. The word caused all sorts of sensations in Cassie, and she realized just how much she missed Luke. The three nights they had spent together were still very vivid in her mind. Had she ever felt safer, sleeping with Luke’s strong arms wrapped around her, holding her? Oh, and how Luke could snuggle. Cassie would never have thought that such an intimidating woman could turn into such a soft
ie.
She smiled, remembering how it felt to be loved by Luke, whose touch was as soft and gentle on her as a summer kiss.

She suddenly grabbed her pillow and held it to her, trying to ease the ache that hit her. Only in her dreams did she imagine a lover like Luke. Now that she’d found her, she admitted that she wasn’t willing to let her go so easily. No matter what the cost.

Cassie picked up the phone and shoved it between her shoulder and chin as she carved the hawk’s eye.

“It’s me.”

Cassie nearly dropped the knife as Luke’s voice purred in her ear.

“Hey.” She clutched the phone tighter. “Oh, God, I miss you,” she said, uttering the first words in her mind.

Luke chuckled. “Do you? I never would have imagined. My phone hasn’t been ringing off the hook.”

Cassie moved away from the hawk and sat with her back against the wall, knees drawn to her chest. She unconsciously picked at the wood chips clinging to her sweat pants. She had not talked to Luke since their brief phone conversation Monday evening. Here it was, Wednesday afternoon and all sorts of thoughts had been running through Cassie’s mind. She had nearly convinced herself that Luke had run, that Luke couldn’t handle being second in someone’s life

again. And it was sobering to acknowledge that she had put her father ahead of Luke. For that matter, she had put her father ahead of herself, too. She had simply abandoned the new life she was starting and reverted back to being the good little daughter, trying to please her father, knowing she never would.

“Can I… can I see you?” Cassie asked. “I need to see you,” she added slowly.

“What’s wrong?” Luke asked immediately.

“Nothing. Everything,” she whispered. She felt tears form. She couldn’t shake the feeling that she was losing Luke, that she was letting her slip away all because of this damn pretense for her father’s sake.

“Luke, please don’t give up on me,” she whispered.

“Sweetheart, I’m not giving up on you. You said you needed some time.”

“All the time in the world won’t change anything. I really need to see you. I need to talk.”

“You want to come over?” Luke offered.

“Yes. Do you mind?”

“Mind? Cassie, I want to see you just as much.”

Cassie felt needy, clingy. Two words she would never have used to describe herself in the past. She was used to being alone, used to handling her father by herself. Now, she had someone to lean on, someone to talk to about her fears.

“Thank you. I’ll be there in a few minutes.”

“Okay. And please don’t thank me. I’m being totally selfish when I say I want to see you.”

Cassie smiled. “Well, thank you for that, too.”

She found her father in the living room, asleep in the chair. He had a book opened, his fingers still curled around it on his lap. The Bible. Of course, she thought. Did he read anything else?

She quickly changed into jeans, debating whether to wake him or just leave a note. She decided a note would be easier. She would deal with his questions when she got back.

But as she walked to the kitchen, she heard him call to her.

“I didn’t mean to wake you,” she said when she went back. “I’m going over to a friend’s for a little while. I’ll be back before dinner,” she explained.

“A friend?”

“Yes. I do have a few of them, you know.”

He only nodded.

“Well, I’ll be fine here. I’ve got a good book to read.”

“Yes, I saw.”

“Don’t know if you’ve read it lately. Want me to leave it for you? I’m sure there are some chapters in here that you’ve forgotŹten.”

She narrowed her eyes, wanting to let it go, as she would have in the past. Instead, she remembered with clarity the nights he would lock her in his study, dinner untouched on the table, all because she couldn’t memorize a two-page chapter.

“No thanks. There were too many nights you fed me that book instead of dinner. I think I’ve had my fill.”

“Cassandra! That was for your own good. You had an example to set for the other children in Sunday school. Do you know how embarrassing it was for me to have my own daughter unable to recite a passage?”

“My own good? You locked me in your study!”

“And a lot of good it did! Look at you. Throwing your life away up here, cavorting with sinners!”

“Stop it!” she yelled, finally losing her composure. “What you think means nothing to me. Nothing! Do you realize that? Stop wasting your breath. This is my life. Not yours.”

“Cassandra …”

“No. I don’t want to talk about it anymore. Like I said, I’m going to a friend’s house. I’ll be back in time for dinner,” she said again.

Cassie turned and left without another word, but she was shakŹing with anger. She never intended to get into a screaming match with him.

Cassie raced over to Luke’s. She simply needed to be with her.

Her hands were still tight on the steering wheel when she stopped, and she tried to make herself relax, but her hands were still shakŹing.

The door opened before she could knock. Luke’s smile faded when she looked at Cassie, and Cassie moved into her arms withŹout a word, just needing to be held.

“What’s wrong?” Luke whispered into her ear.

Cassie shook her head, her face still buried against Luke’s warm skin. She tightened her grip around Luke’s waist and let the anger seep out of her.

“Tell me,” Luke prompted.

Cassie finally pulled away, and Luke bent and lightly touched her lips with her own.

Cassie attempted a smile, but it faded quickly.

“My father is just being … my father. We had a small, heated discussion right before I left,” she said.

Luke drew her inside and led her to the sofa.

“Sit.”

Luke went into the kitchen and came back with two glasses of apple cider and settled next to Cass
ie.

“Now, tell me what’s made you so upset. You were white as a sheet when you got here.”

“I’m just so angry with him, Luke. I’m angry that he’s here, I’m angry because of the words he says to me. I’m angry at myself for allowing him to talk to me the way he does. And I’m angry that I’ve allowed him to come between us.”

Luke captured her hand and brought it to her lips, lightly kissŹing her.

“He’s not come between us, Cass
ie.
Not as far as I’m conŹcerned, anyway. However you choose to deal with him, that’s your business. I’ll still be here.”

“I don’t like myself right now. I hate how I’ve bowed to him, I hate how I’ve put my life on hold because of him. Luke, he made some comment about me reading the Bible, and I reminded him of the times he used to lock me in his study.” She raised eyes full of

tears to Luke’s and let them fall. “It didn’t even faze him. He said it was for my own good, that he couldn’t have his own daughter unable to recite a verse.” She let Luke pull her into her arms and she let her tears fall. “Can you believe he said that?”

“No. No I can’t,” Luke murmured.

“I don’t know if I can take another day like this. I’ve listened to sarcastic comments about Kim, about the perverts that live up here, about my lack of religious conviction, my lack of a husband and children, my art. I’m so frustrated, I just want to scream.”

“Tell him.”

“Tell him?”

“Tell him how he makes you feel. Tell him what you’re thinking.”

“It’s not that easy. He has an answer for everything. Not that it would matter to him how I feel. Like I said, it didn’t bother him in the least that locking me in his study was traumatic for me.”

“Cassie, I’m not exactly an expert in this, but you’re letting him control you. You are the only one that can make him stop. I can’t even begin to understand this. You live your life separate from him, you hardly see him or talk to him, yet he comes here and takes over your life again, and you let him. Why?”

“I’ve always been alone. I’ve never had anyone. And a part of me is afraid that if I stand up to him, he’ll disappear, and then I’ll have no one. No family at all.”

“I would think being alone would be better than this hell he brings to you. And you’re not alone. You have Kim. You have me.”