An Unexpected Cookbook: The Unofficial Book of Hobbit Cookery (4 page)

Now it’s time for your eggs. Turn the heat down to medium. If your skillet feels too warm, take it off the heat for a minute or two to cool down.

Pour in your well whisked egg blend. Now here’s the hardest part. Walk away. Just leave it alone for 3-4 minutes while the bottom of the eggs firm up. This isn’t scrambled eggs. You don’t need to make curds. Just let the whisked eggs and heat work their magic. You can start interacting with it again when the edges are cooked through and start to release slightly from the sides. At this point, the middle will still be a little runny.

Crumble up however much bacon you have left and sprinkle it over ½ of the omelet. Top that with your sautéed veggies. Sprinkle the cheese on top and watch as it starts its transformation into the glue that binds all great foods together.

Using a very wide spatula (or two smaller ones and a lot of dexterity), fold the naked side of the omelet over the filled side. If you did it neatly, congratulations! If it ripped, don’t stress. The ripped side is now the bottom. No one needs to know.

Carefully slide your omelet out of the pan and onto a waiting plate. You used both butter and bacon grease the omelet shouldn’t have any problems easing out of the pan. If you ripped it, place another plate on top and flip it over. The rip is hidden from sight and you now have one beautiful presentation omelet.

You can cut the omelet into quarters as a hearty standalone breakfast. If you have unexpected guests, cut it into smaller slices as a breakfast main course served alongside some freshly fried potatoes and a couple leftover buns from last night.

Second Breakfast is the perfect time for adventuring.

All of these dishes can be made the night before and carried in your rucksack as you sneak over the hedgerows and out into the world beyond the Shire.

To ensure your food doesn’t get crushed or fall to pieces in your rucksack, our Second Breakfast includes a full meal in the form of durable hand pies. You have a pork pie for your meat, mushroom pie for your veg, and apple pie for your fruit with a nice hearty slice of porter cake for dessert. If you have space in your bag, Hobbits are known to flesh out their second breakfast with cold roast chicken, hard boiled eggs plus some pickles and mustard for flavor.

You can easily make all three pies at once using the same handy short crust pastry dough.

2 ½ c / 240 g flour

⅓ c / 80 ml cold water

½ c / 250 g room temperature butter

2 tbsp sugar

1 tsp salt

1 egg for optional egg wash

A hearty short crust pastry is one of the best options for adventurers. The small pies hold up well no matter how many supplies you cram in your pack. That density means you only need a few to fill up. Plus, they’re just plain delicious.

To make the pastry, start by whisking together the flour, sugar and salt. Next add in the room temperature butter. Yes, room temperature. Cold butter makes for a flaky crust, but there were no refrigerators in the Shire. Furthermore, while flaky crusts are delicious, pastries made from them would shed all over your pack. If you want a solid hand pie that can stand up to some abuse without emptying its contents all over your pack, stick with a solid foundation of room temperature butter.

Work the butter into the flour using your fingers until it magically transforms from a greasy lump into a coarse, gravelly meal. Gradually moisten the crumbles with cold water. Use just enough to bind the meal together into a pastry dough. You don’t want it getting too wet and sticky. Knead the dough a few times then pack it into a disc. Store the disc in the fridge until you’re ready to use it.

VEGAN VARIATION

Substitute room temperature coconut oil for the butter and add an extra tsp of salt and tbsp of sugar to make up for losing the flavor of the butter.

It’s well known Hobbits love mushrooms. These hearty hand pies are an inexpensive and durable way to bring the best taste of the Shire along on any adventure. Enjoy a couple for a quick Elevenses or save them for supper when the crust can soak up a little mutton gravy.

While Hobbits are well known for enjoying meat as much as they do mushrooms, it’s easy enough to make these vegan in case you’re serving visitors on their own adventure from distant lands.

1 tbsp butter, bacon grease, or cooking oil

1 large yellow onion, diced

1 pint / 450 g mushrooms, minced

6 garlic cloves, minced

1 1/2 tsp salt

1 tsp ground black pepper

3 1/2 tsp paprika

1/3 tsp fennel seed

1 tsp savory (or rubbed sage)

1 tsp rosemary

1 lb / 450 g ground beef, pork, mutton or a mix (or vegan crumbles)

1 batch short crust pastry dough

To make the filling, melt your fat of choice in a large skillet over medium-high heat. Add the diced onions and let them cook for about 5 minutes. You want to sweat out a lot of the moisture. Add the mushrooms and garlic, then cook them for another 3-4 minutes, stirring often.

Toss in the salt, pepper, paprika, fennel, savory, and rosemary. Give it all a good hearty stir and cook for another 2 minutes.

If you’re making vegan pies, you can either stop now for an all vegetable filling or add a pound of frozen vegan crumbles and another tbsp of cooking oil. The crumbles are fully cooked, so you’re literally just warming them though and mixing them with the spices.

If you’re making the meaty version, slide the mushroom mix out of the pan and let it patiently wait its turn in a nearby bowl. Replace it with the ground meat, which you should cook until browned through.

You may want to drain the fat, but don’t. That precious fluid not only helps bind your ingredients together, but also helps preserve the food.

Dump the cooked mushroom mix back in the pan and give it a good stir until everything is well blended. Now turn off the heat and let the filling cool slightly. If you don’t already have a disc of dough in the fridge, this is a good time to make the crust.

ASSEMBLY

Lightly flour your work surface. Break off about ¼ of the short crust pastry dough and roll it out until it’s no less than ¼-⅛ inch / 3-6 mm thick. You really don’t want it any thinner. Remember, these aren’t delicate aristocratic nibbles. These are hearty hand pies meant to survive two days in your knapsack. Give them some backbone.

Use a four inch / 10 cm wide cookie cutter to cut out dough discs. Circles, hexes, or whatever shape you’d like are perfectly fine, so long as you are confident you can seal it closed.

Densely pack about 2 tbsp of filling in the middle of your bottom crust. Go ahead and use your hands. It’s easier. Tightly stretch a second crust on top of it. Use the edge of a fork to crimp the crusts closed. (Or be fancy with your favorite technique. Have fun with it.) Make sure to punch a couple holes in the top for steam to escape.

Arrange your hand pies 1-2 inches / 2.5 -5 cm apart on a well greased cookie sheet.

If you’re not making vegan pies, whisk 1 egg plus 1 tbsp of water together. Use a pastry brush to paint the tops of your hand pies. If you are using the vegan option, paint the top of the crusts with a thin layer of very cold water or a dab of melted coconut oil to give them a little sheen.

Either way, bake them at 375F / 190C for 20-25 minutes, or until golden brown. Try not to eat the entire batch fresh from the oven. You need to save at least a few for adventuring.

These petite apple pies are good for more than Second Breakfast. If you make enough for leftovers, they can be enjoyed either as a hearty vegetarian breakfast or as a durable teatime treat capable of keeping their shape after bumping around in your pack for a few days.

Filling:

8 large, tart apples, peeled, cored and diced small

1 c / 200 g sugar

2 tsp cinnamon

1 tsp ginger

½ tsp nutmeg

pinch ground cloves

3 tbsp butter, melted

2 tbsp honey

Crust:

1 batch short crust pastry plus optional additions:

1 tbsp sugar

1 tsp cinnamon

extra sugar to dust the surface of the pies

Peel and core the tart green apples of your choice. Cut the apples into a small dice. The smaller you dice them, the more filling you can pack into each pie, so don’t be shy with the knife.

Mix the sugar, cinnamon, ginger, nutmeg, and a pinch of cloves in a large mixing bowl. Once they’re all playing nicely together, dump the apples on top. Toss them in the spice mix until every piece of apple is coated. Now drizzle the melted butter and honey on top. Toss the apples a few more times to get the tasty fat and liquid sugar on as many pieces as possible.

Let the apple flavors mingle while you make the crust.

You can just mix up one large batch of short crust pastry and stuff ⅓ with mushroom filling, ⅓ with pork pie filling, and ⅓ with apple filling. However, if you’re only making the apple pies, go ahead and sweeten the crust a little. Add 1 tbsp sugar and 1 tsp cinnamon to the flour. Once all the dry ingredients are mixed together, add the butter and water just like in the original recipe. This gives the apple pies a hint of sweetness and a nice added aroma, but it’s not strictly necessary.

Once your filling and crust are ready, preheat your oven to 375F / 190C.

You can now make your pies in two shapes. Either way, start by sprinkling flour on a clean surface and rolling the dough out to ¼ inch / 3 mm thickness. Don’t go much thinner or they’ll be prone to falling apart after one bite.

To make a large, cupcake sized hand pies, start by generously greasing a muffin tin with butter. Remember, this isn’t health food. You want the pies to slide right out with ease while also gaining a little extra crispy flavor.

Use a cookie cutter about 2 inches / 5 cm bigger around than your muffin pan wells. Press the large round piece into a well. Make sure a little bit hangs over the top.

Poke a couple vent holes in the bottom then spoon apple filling up to the top of your muffin wells.

Cut out a second circle of dough just a smidge narrower than the top of your muffin wells. Lay it on top of the filling. Pinch the overhanging filling around the top crust. You’ve now successfully enclosed your pies.

Poke a few vent holes in the top of the crust. Feel free to sprinkle it with a little extra cinnamon and sugar to give it a nice crunch.

Bake the cupcake sized hand pies at 375F / 190C for 45-50 min or until golden brown.

If you prefer the bite sized teatime pies, simply cut out a flat disc of dough with a 2 inch / 5 cm cutter. Pile a heaping tbsp of filling in the middle, fold the dough in half, and pinch the edges closed with a fork. Feel free to decorate the tops with shapes cut out from extra dough.