All's Well That Ends Well (15 page)

How now! Where's your master?

SERVANT
    He met the duke in the street, sir, of whom he hath

taken a
solemn
leave: his lordship will next morning
for
⁷¹

France. The duke hath
offered
⁷²
him letters of commendations

to the king.

SECOND LORD
    They shall be no more than
needful
there,
if
⁷⁴
they

were
more than they can commend.
⁷⁵

FIRST LORD
    They cannot be too sweet for the king's tartness.

Here's his lordship now.— How now, my lord! Is't not after

midnight?

BERTRAM
    I have tonight
dispatched
⁷⁹
sixteen businesses, a

month's length apiece,
by an abstract of success
⁸⁰
: I have

congied with
the duke, done my adieu with his
nearest
⁸¹
,

buried a wife, mourned for her, writ to my lady mother I am

returning,
entertained my convoy
⁸³
and between these main

parcels of dispatch
effected many
nicer
⁸⁴
needs. The last was

the greatest, but that I have not ended yet.

SECOND LORD
    If the business be of any difficulty, and this

morning your departure hence, it requires haste of your

lordship.

BERTRAM
    I mean, the business is not ended, as fearing to
hear
⁸⁹

of it hereafter. But shall we have this dialogue between the

fool and the soldier? Come, bring forth this counterfeit

module
, h'as deceived me like a
double-meaning prophesier.
⁹²

SECOND LORD
    Bring him forth.

H'as sat i'th'
stocks
all night, poor
gallant
⁹⁴
knave.

BERTRAM
    No matter. His heels have deserved it in
usurping
⁹⁵
his

spurs
so long. How does he
carry
⁹⁶
himself?

SECOND LORD
    I have told your lordship already, the stocks carry

him. But to answer you as you would be understood: he

weeps like a wench that had
shed
⁹⁹
her milk, he hath confessed

himself to Morgan, whom he supposes to be a friar, from the

time of his remembrance
to this very
instant disaster
¹⁰¹
of his

setting i'th'stocks. And what think you he hath confessed?

BERTRAM
    Nothing of me, has
a?
¹⁰³

SECOND LORD
    His confession is taken, and it shall be read to his

face: if your lordship be in't, as I believe you are, you must

have the patience to hear it.

BERTRAM
    A plague upon him! Muffled? He can say nothing of

me. Hush, hush.

FIRST LORD
    
Hoodman
¹⁰⁹
comes!
Portotartarossa
.

INTERPRETER
    He calls for the tortures. What will you say

without 'em?

PAROLLES
    I will confess what I know without
constraint.
¹¹²
If ye

pinch me like a
pasty
¹¹³
, I can say no more.

INTERPRETER
    
Bosko chimurcho
.

FIRST LORD
    
Boblibindo chicurmurco
.

INTERPRETER
    You are a merciful general. Our general bids you

answer to what I shall ask you out of a
note.
¹¹⁷

PAROLLES
    And truly, as I hope to live.

INTERPRETER
    ‘First demand of him how many
horse
¹¹⁹

the duke
is strong.
¹²⁰
' What say you to that?

PAROLLES
    Five or six thousand, but very weak and

unserviceable. The troops are all scattered, and the

commanders very poor rogues, upon my reputation and

credit and as I hope to live.

INTERPRETER
    Shall I set down your answer so?

PAROLLES
    Do. I'll
take the sacrament
on't,
how and which
¹²⁶
way

you will.

BERTRAM
    
All's one
to him. What a
past-saving
¹²⁸
slave is this?

FIRST LORD
    You're deceived, my lord: this is Monsieur Parolles,

the gallant militarist — that was his own phrase — that had

the whole
theoric
¹³¹
of war in the knot of his scarf, and the

practice in the
chape
¹³²
of his dagger.

SECOND LORD
    I will never trust a man again for keeping his

sword
clean
¹³⁴
, nor believe he can have everything in him by

wearing his apparel neatly.

INTERPRETER
    Well, that's set down.

PAROLLES
    ‘Five or six thousand horse,' I said — I will say true

— ‘or thereabouts', set down, for I'll speak truth.

FIRST LORD
    He's very near the truth in this.

BERTRAM
    But I
con
him no thanks for't,
in the nature
¹⁴⁰
he

delivers it.

PAROLLES
    ‘Poor rogues', I pray you say.

INTERPRETER
    Well, that's set down.

PAROLLES
    I humbly thank you, sir. A truth's a truth, the

rogues are
marvellous
¹⁴⁵
poor.

INTERPRETER
    ‘Demand of him, of what strength

they are
a-foot.
¹⁴⁷
' What say you to that?

PAROLLES
    By my troth, sir, if I were to
live
¹⁴⁸
this present hour,

I will tell true. Let me see: Spurio, a hundred and fifty:

Sebastian,
so
¹⁵⁰
many: Corambus, so many: Jaques, so many:

Guiltian, Cosmo, Lodowick and Gratii, two hundred fifty

each: mine own company, Chitopher, Vaumond, Bentii, two

hundred fifty each. So that the
muster-file
,
rotten and sound
¹⁵³
,

upon my life, amounts not to fifteen thousand
poll
¹⁵⁴
, half of

the which dare not shake the snow from off their
cassocks
¹⁵⁵
,

lest they shake themselves to pieces.

BERTRAM
    What shall be done to him?

FIRST LORD
    Nothing, but let him have thanks. Demand of him

my
condition
¹⁵⁹
, and what credit I have with the duke.

INTERPRETER
    Well, that's set down. ‘You shall

demand of him, whether one Captain Dumaine be

i'th'camp, a Frenchman, what his reputation is with the

duke, what his valour, honesty, and expertness in wars, or

whether he thinks it were not possible, with
well-weighing
¹⁶⁴

sums of gold, to corrupt him to a revolt.' What say you to

this? What do you know of it?

PAROLLES
    I beseech you let me answer to the
particular
¹⁶⁷
of the

inter'gatories
¹⁶⁸
: demand them singly.

INTERPRETER
    Do you know this Captain Dumaine?

PAROLLES
    I know him: a was a
botcher
's
'prentice
¹⁷⁰
in Paris,

from whence he was whipped for getting the
shrieve's fool
¹⁷¹

with child — a dumb
innocent
¹⁷²
that could

not say
him nay.
¹⁷³

BERTRAM
    Nay, by your leave, hold your hands, though I know

his brains are forfeit to the next tile that falls.
¹⁷⁵

INTERPRETER
    Well, is this captain in the Duke of Florence's

camp?

PAROLLES
    Upon my knowledge he is, and
lousy.
¹⁷⁸

FIRST LORD
    Nay look not so upon me. We shall hear of your

lord anon.

INTERPRETER
    What is his reputation with the duke?

PAROLLES
    The duke knows him for no other but a poor officer

of mine, and writ to me this other day to turn him out

o'th'band.
¹⁸⁴
I think I have his letter in my pocket.

INTERPRETER
    Marry, we'll search.

PAROLLES
    In
good sadness
¹⁸⁶
, I do not know. Either it is there, or

it is upon a file with the duke's other letters in my tent.

INTERPRETER
    Here 'tis. Here's a paper. Shall I read it to you?

PAROLLES
    I do not know if it be it or no.

BERTRAM
    Our interpreter does it well.

FIRST LORD
    Excellently.

INTERPRETER
    ‘Dian, the count's a fool, and full of gold'—

PAROLLES
    That is not the duke's letter, sir. That is an

advertisement
to a
proper
¹⁹⁴
maid in Florence, one Diana, to

take heed of the allurement of one Count Rossillion, a foolish

idle boy, but for all that very
ruttish.
I pray you, sir, put it
up
¹⁹⁶

again.

INTERPRETER
    Nay, I'll read it first, by your
favour.
¹⁹⁸

PAROLLES
    My meaning in't, I protest, was very honest in the

behalf of the maid, for I knew the young count to be a

dangerous and lascivious boy, who is a whale to virginity

and devours up all the
fry
²⁰²
it finds.

BERTRAM
    Damnable
both-sides
²⁰³
rogue!

INTERPRETER

‘When he swears oaths, bid him
drop
²⁰⁴
gold, and take it.

After he
scores
²⁰⁵
, he never pays the score.

Half won is match well made, match and well make it
²⁰⁶
;

He ne'er pays
after-debts
, take
it
²⁰⁷
before.

And say a soldier, Dian, told thee this:

Men are to
mell
²⁰⁹
with, boys are not to kiss.

For count
²¹⁰
of this, the count's a fool, I know it,

Who pays
before
²¹¹
, but not when he does owe it.

Thine, as he vowed to thee in thine ear, Parolles.'

BERTRAM
    He shall be whipped through the army with this

rhyme
in's
²¹⁴
forehead.

SECOND LORD
    This is your devoted friend, sir, the
manifold
²¹⁵

linguist and the
armipotent
²¹⁶
soldier.

BERTRAM
    I could endure anything before but a cat, and now

he's a cat to me.

INTERPRETER
    I perceive, sir, by the general's looks, we shall be

fain
²²⁰
to hang you.

PAROLLES
    My life, sir, in any case. Not that I am afraid to die,

but that, my offences being many, I would repent out the

remainder of
nature.
²²³
Let me live, sir, in a dungeon, i'th'stocks,

or anywhere, so I may live.

INTERPRETER
    We'll see what may be done, so you confess freely:

therefore, once more to this Captain Dumaine. You have

answered to his reputation with the duke and to his valour.

What is his honesty?

PAROLLES
    He will steal, sir, an
egg out of a cloister
²²⁹
, for rapes

and ravishments he parallels
Nessus.
He
professes not
²³⁰

keeping of oaths, in breaking 'em he is stronger than

Hercules.
²³²
He will lie, sir, with such volubility that you would

think truth were a fool. Drunkenness is his best virtue, for he

will be
swine-drunk
²³⁴
, and in his sleep he does little harm, save

to his bed-clothes about him. But
they
know his
conditions
²³⁵

and lay him in straw. I have but little more to say, sir, of his

honesty: he has everything that an honest man should not

have; what an honest man should have, he has nothing.

FIRST LORD
    I begin to love him for this.

BERTRAM
    For this description of thine honesty? A pox upon

him for me. He's more and more a cat.

INTERPRETER
    What say you to his expertness in war?

PAROLLES
    Faith, sir, h'as
led the drum before the English
²⁴³

tragedians — to
belie
²⁴⁴
him, I will not — and more of his

soldiership I know not, except, in that country he had the

honour to be the officer at a place there called
Mile-end
²⁴⁶
, to

instruct for the
doubling of files.
²⁴⁷
I would do the man what

honour I can, but of this I am not certain.

FIRST LORD
    He hath out-villained villainy so far that the rarity

redeems him.

BERTRAM
    A pox on him, he's a cat still.

INTERPRETER
    His qualities being at this poor price, I need not to

ask you if gold will corrupt him to revolt.

PAROLLES
    Sir, for a
cardecue
he will sell the
fee-simple
²⁵⁴
of his

salvation, the inheritance of it, and
cut th'entail from all
²⁵⁵

remainders, and a perpetual succession for it perpetually.

INTERPRETER
    What's his brother, the other Captain Dumaine?

SECOND LORD
    Why does he ask him of me?

INTERPRETER
    What's he?

PAROLLES
    E'en a crow o'th'same nest: not altogether so great

as the first in goodness, but greater a great deal in evil. He

excels his brother
for
²⁶²
a coward, yet his brother is reputed one

of the best that is. In a retreat he outruns any
lackey
²⁶³
; marry,

in
coming on
²⁶⁴
he has the cramp.

INTERPRETER
    If your life be saved, will you undertake to betray

the Florentine?

PAROLLES
    Ay, and the
captain of his horse
²⁶⁷
, Count Rossillion.

INTERPRETER
    I'll whisper with the general, and know his

pleasure.