All of You (4 page)

“Hey, Jillian. Having fun?” Deacon asked me
with a friendly smile.

“Um, yeah, but I actually have to get going.
Could you do me a favor?” I asked sweetly.

“You’re going? Does Linc know?” Deacon asked
with raised eyebrows.

“Oh yeah. We said good-bye already. I just
forgot to return his scarf to him. Could you give it to him for
me?” I said, totally lying while trying to keep the sadness out of
my voice.

“Sure. No problem,” he answered taking the
scarf from me. “But tell me honestly. Does he know you’re
leaving?”

I debated telling him and wondered why it
mattered to him. “No. He doesn’t. Can you please just give him the
scarf?” I tried not to beg. I desperately wanted to get out of
there and hoped Deacon’s loyalty to Lincoln wouldn’t make him feel
compelled to call Lincoln’s attention this way while I was still
standing here.

“How are you getting home?” Deacon asked.

“My car is in a ramp close by,” I
answered.

“How much have you had to drink?”

I snorted. “Like one sip. I’m fine. Really. I
just have to go. Just give Lincoln the scarf and tell him thanks,
please.” Deacon scanned my face once more and nodded and stepped
aside. “Thank you,” I said and, seeing an opening in the crowd,
made my way to the exit as quickly as possible without drawing
attention to myself. It was surprisingly easy, considering the
number of people in the bar. I hoped there were still plenty of
people on the street. I could blend in with the masses of people
out and about tonight. I didn’t know if Lincoln would chase after
me, but I doubted he would look too hard.

As I passed through the door to go outside, I
took one look back in Lincoln’s direction. He was holding the scarf
in his hand, looking down at it. His face was a mix of sadness and
anger, and Deacon clapped his hand on Lincoln’s back. I nodded to
myself and walked out of the bar and back to my ho-hum life. I
sighed as I was swallowed up by the crowd on the street. Fireworks
were still exploding in the sky over the pier, and I smiled as I
watched them while walking to my car. Despite however awkward and
uncomfortable Lincoln made me feel tonight, this was still the best
New Year’s Eve I'd ever had.

When I got back to my sister’s house, there
wasn’t anyone home. That didn’t surprise me, and I was fine with
it. I wanted to be alone and didn’t want my sister, Rebecca, asking
about my evening just yet. I knew I would have to share details
sooner rather than later, but I was glad I could hold off until the
morning. My six-year-old niece, Tabitha, was at a sleepover with
classmates, and since Rebecca had the night off without her child,
she was out celebrating with friends. She wouldn’t be home until
late.

I crawled in to bed and let my mind drift. In
an alternate universe, I might have let myself hope that Lincoln
was interested in me. I imagined he would have kissed me deeply at
midnight and maybe several more times that night. I wouldn’t have
left the bar alone, and Lincoln would have walked me to my car at
the end of the night. We would have exchanged phone numbers before
Lincoln pushed me up against the car and ravished my mouth with
his. I would have felt the hard lines of his muscles under his
shirt, and I wouldn’t have been ashamed of the ugliness of my body.
But there was no reason to hope for any of that. It would never
happen. This is how my life was. I was going to be alone, and there
was no hope for anything else. I wasn’t going to cry over it. I
refused to let myself cry over something I never had.

I still had a happy life. I loved my family,
and I would buckle down and focus extra hard on my internship and
research to keep my mind off the despair that threatened to creep
in. I would not dwell on things that I couldn’t have. But that
night I fell asleep with a smile on my face remembering how warm
Lincoln’s hand felt around mine.

Chapter Four

My dreams consisted of flashing lights and
glowing lobsters and I woke up early in the morning to my niece
jumping on me.

“Wake up, Aunt Jilly Bean!” Tabitha shouted
at me.

“Mmm… Tabby Cat, it’s too early,” I mumbled
as Tabitha kept jumping on me.

“It’s not early, Jilly! I’ve been awake for
hours!” Tabitha announced. How did she have that much energy?

“I don’t doubt that, Tabby Cat,” I sat up in
bed since it was clear Tabitha was not going to let me sleep any
longer. I subconsciously adjusted my tank top and pajama bottoms to
make sure no skin was showing. “Tell me about your sleepover.”

“It was so much fun, Jilly! We played games
and watched a movie, and I had three different kinds of soda mixed
together, and we ate pizza, and Hannah’s mommy let us try on her
lipstick!” she said going a mile a minute.

“Wow. That does sound fun.” They must have
stayed up all night. She was going to be a tired and crabby kid
when she came down from her high. “Did you show Mommy your lipstick
when she picked you up?”

“Mommy didn’t pick me up,” she said as she
continued to bounce on my bed.

“What?” I reached for my glasses and put them
on.

“Mommy texted Hannah’s mommy and asked if she
could bring me home ’cause she wasn’t feeling well. Hannah’s mommy
said something about being hung up?” Tabitha looked confused.
Hung-over. Rebecca was hung-over and couldn’t pick up her daughter.
I was annoyed with my sister for being slightly irresponsible but
figured it didn’t matter much if Hannah’s mom didn’t mind.

“Ugh. Tabby Cat, is Mommy awake?” I
asked.

“Yes, she must be feeling better ’cause she’s
making us waffles with sprinkles!” Tabitha announced with a big
smile, which caused me to smile in return. Sprinkles solved
everything. Tabitha jumped off the bed and ran to the bedroom door.
“Oh! And there’s a man here!” she announced. I gasped and scrambled
out of bed after Tabitha. I grabbed her arm and squatted down to
the kid’s-eye level.

“What did you say?” I asked, trying not to
sound too upset. I didn’t want to scare her.

“There’s a man here! And guess what? He said
waffles are his favorite too!” Tabitha announced and ducked out the
door. I stood up in utter shock. Rebecca had brought a man home!
That was very unlike her! I didn’t really care, other than the fact
that he was still here when Tabitha got home! Rebecca ought to know
better. What would Tabitha think? What would Rebecca say when
Tabitha started asking questions?! And why was this man still
here?! The thought of Tabitha downstairs with basically a complete
stranger who was only here because he had boinked Rebecca made my
skin crawl. Adrenalin surged through me, and I quickly pulled my
hair into a messy ponytail and grabbed my robe but didn’t take the
time to tie it closed.

I flew downstairs, across the living room and
down the hallway into the kitchen. Tabitha was sitting on a stool
at the island counter, eating a waffle. Rebecca was dressed in
pajamas as well, but it looked like she had showered, at least. She
was mixing batter in a big bowl next to the waffle iron. But the
man who sat at the end of the island counter was who held my
attention and made me stop short. My jaw dropped as he shoveled a
giant piece of waffles into his mouth and smirked at me.

“Waffles?” Lincoln asked after he swallowed
his last bite.

I was flabbergasted. How had he found me? I
turned to look at Rebecca for an explanation, but Rebecca was
busying herself with breakfast making while trying to hide the huge
grin on her face. “What is he doing here?” I asked Rebecca, who
held her hands up in a defensive move.

Lincoln set down his fork. “‘He’ wanted to
talk to you,” he answered before Rebecca could. “And ‘he’ was
ditched at the bar last night. So ‘he’ only had one option.”

“To stalk me?” I shrieked. A flash of guilt
crossed Lincoln’s face. “How did you find where I live?” I
asked.

“Your boss gave your name to the security
company. I asked them for your last name, and the rest is public
information. Simple enough.” Lincoln shrugged. “And I don’t think
it qualifies as stalking until there are repeated incidents,” he
added with a smirk.

“Aunt Jilly, sit down and have a waffle!”
Tabitha said to me.

“Yeah, Jilly. Sit down and have a waffle,”
Lincoln said, using Tabitha’s nickname for me while patting the
stool next to him. I narrowed my eyes at him and pulled my robe
closed. How dare he? I had no idea what to say. Why in the world
was he here?

“I’m suddenly not very hungry,” I said and
turned around to retreat to my bedroom to hide. I was beyond
embarrassed. My hair had the just-crawled-out-of-bed-look and I
knew it was not flattering. Not only that, but I had left this man
at the bar last night. If that wasn't a clear indication of my
wishes I didn’t know what was.

“Jillian…” Lincoln called after me as I
walked away down the hall, all humor gone from his voice.

I escaped upstairs to my bedroom and closed
the door behind me. I started pacing the length of my bedroom. How
long had he been here? Why did Rebecca just let some strange man
into our house? Just because he claimed to know me? And I didn’t
care what Lincoln said; I considered what he did to find me
stalking. But why on earth would he stalk me?

I remembered the way he held my hand last
night and the way he stared down at me. I had wanted the passion in
his eyes to be real, but he hadn’t kissed me. His only actions last
night were ones of trying to apologize for ruining my coat.

I stopped pacing. That must be why he was
here. He still felt as if he needed to remedy the situation with my
coat. I felt ridiculous again. Why did this man always make me feel
so idiotic? Probably because I didn’t have a lot of interaction
with men as gorgeous as him. I sighed as I realized I was the one
to blame in this situation for feeling foolish. It was my stupid,
incorrect reactions to everything he said.

A knock on my bedroom door interrupted my
musings. “Jill? Can I come in?” It was Rebecca. I walked to the
door and opened it.

“Is he gone?” I asked.

“Sort of. He said he’d run to the coffee shop
and be back in fifteen minutes. And you’re supposed to be ready to
go.” Rebecca informed me. There was a cozy coffeehouse just around
the corner I loved to go to on cold or rainy days.

“Go? Go where? I’m not going anywhere with
him. And why did you let him in our house in the first place? You
just let any strange man inside with Tabby here?” I let my ire fly.
I was mad at this whole situation, and right now Rebecca was the
one to blame.

“Okay. Jillian. Stop. Breathe. Calm down,”
Rebecca said grabbing my shoulders and giving me a small shake.
“First off, of course I wouldn’t just let just any strange man
inside. That isn’t a strange man. That’s Lincoln-freaking-Monaghan.
You know that, right?” Leave it to Rebecca to know the man right
off the bat when I hadn’t. It made me even angrier.

“Of course I know who he is!” I exclaimed and
pulled out of Rebecca’s grasp. “That doesn’t change anything! Why
did you let him in?!”

“Hey. I said calm down. He’s just a guy. He
said he met you at the parade but lost track of you last night
afterward and wanted to see you again.”

“That doesn’t sound weird to you, Becca??
Like, did you ever think maybe I didn’t want to see him
again?!”

“Why wouldn’t you want to see him again?”
Rebecca asked, dumbfounded. “I think you forgot about the part
where LINCOLN-FREAKING-MONAGHAN wants to see you.”

“Ugh. Becca. You’re being ridiculous.” I was
so frustrated. “The only reason he is here is because he spilled
hot chocolate all over my coat last night and feels he owes
me.”

“Or… maybe that’s just his excuse,” Rebecca
countered. “Maybe he really is interested in you.”

“Becca… you know it doesn’t even matter,” I
said sadly and crossed my arms withdrawing from Rebecca and any
comfort she may offer.

“Hey…” Rebecca started reaching out to rub my
arm. “Where’s my Jilly Bean who always sees the positive in
everything? Hmm? Is it so hard to believe he’s interested in you?”
She hadn’t been there last night, though. He hadn’t kissed me at
midnight.

“He’s not. But even if he were, it wouldn’t
matter. I can’t be involved with him or anyone,” I said firmly.

“Why not?” Rebecca asked bluntly. I couldn’t
find the words to answer her. No one understood how I felt about my
scars. They repeatedly told me in therapy not to allow my scars to
label me or to overshadow my life. But how could I not when my
scars were all I could see when I stood naked in front of a mirror?
They were ugly and visceral, and I hated them.

I subconsciously moved a hand to the side of
my midriff. Rebecca noticed the small movement, and her eyes filled
with sympathy. “I thought you were better,” Rebecca said plainly. I
didn’t answer her. I hated talking about this. If I didn’t talk
about it, I could ignore the fact I was abnormal and would never be
loved. “Jillian. If you honestly think those scars are going to
keep someone from wanting to know you, then you don’t see yourself
clearly. I love you despite your scars and what they mean.”

“That’s different,” I said quietly. “You have
to love me; you’re my sister.” I knew my family struggled
themselves with their own guilt over what happened that horrible
day.

“Yes, I am,” Rebecca said. “And I know you
better than anyone. I know all that shit that happened in college
hurt you. I know you don’t let anyone close to you except us, your
family, because of it. But that was ages ago, Jilly. And if you
would just let people get to know you, they would discover what we
already know. As cheesy as it sounds, you are beautiful inside and
out. I don’t know a sweeter person. You’re generous and have such a
positive attitude about everything and everybody except yourself.
Why are you so hard on yourself? Stop listening to that negative
voice inside your head, okay?” Rebecca was in big sister mode now.
She stroked my arm with the back of her hand, but I flinched away
stubbornly. “You got handed a shitty deal, and then those people in
college made it worse. But you aren’t a freshman in college
anymore, Jilly Bean. Maybe it’s time to let someone in again. And I
think Lincoln is the perfect place to start. He seems nice.”