All of Me (26 page)

When he saw
Nathan, an odd expression crossed his face as he lifted a hand to wave.  “Hey,
there, officer.”  Christopher excused himself from the conversation and walked
over to Nathan.  “I’m assuming from that –“  He gestured to the drink.  “…that
you’re looking for Stella?”  He was acting all nervous; smiling tightly and
casting quick glances over each shoulder.

“Yes.  Is she
around?”  Nathan scoped out the ER, but didn’t see any sign of Stella.

“Uh, yeah…” 
Christopher wrung his hands.  “I think she’s out in the break area.”  He backed
up a few steps.  “I’ll go grab her.” 

“No problem.  I
know where it is.  I’ll go find her myself,” Nathan said, already walking away.

“Er…no, that’s
okay!  I’ll grab her!”  Christopher’s manic attempts at preventing Nathan from
finding Stella were…interesting.  And needless.

“I already know
she’s smoking out there, so you don’t have to cover for her.  But I appreciate
you trying to be a good friend and save her from one of my no smoking
lectures,” Nathan said with a tight smile.  “I’ll go easy on her.”

He sidestepped
Christopher and kept going; ignoring the dramatically loud sigh trailing after
him.  The ER was slow for a Saturday night and Nathan sailed right to the back
door. 

It was already
propped open with an (of all things) oxygen tank.  But, before Nathan could
step outside, he stopped by the sound of Stella’s voice.

“I don’t
appreciate you showing up here like this, but okay.  If it means you’ll leave
me alone, you can have your five minutes.  Go.”

A male voice –
his
voice – said, “I want you back.”

Nathan’s heart
dropped.  And his blood pressure skyrocketed.  And he saw red. 

But he didn’t
move.  Or say anything.  He wasn’t sure he could have if he’d tried. 

Because some sick,
sadistic side of him wanted to hear this.

***

“Are you kidding
me right now, Ryan?  How ridiculous!”  Stella uncrossed her legs and leaned
forward.  “You couldn’t possibly be serious!”

“I am dead
serious.”  Ryan paced back and forth between the back door and some hedges. 
“I’ve spent the year kicking myself for what I did to you.  I’ve thought about
calling and coming over a million times.”  He shot her a dark look.  “And then
I finally do, only to find another man in your house.  In our bed.”

“Oh, it’s not ‘our’
bed, Ryan, don’t worry about that.  I threw that bed away the day I heard all
the horrible things you’d said about me.”

Stella wanted to
tell him that nothing he’d performed in that bed had been at all impressive
anyway, but decided that was too cruel – even for the likes of him.

“I didn’t mean any
of that, Stella, and you know it.  I said it to save face.  Because I knew you
were going to break up with me. I didn’t want to look like an asshole in front
of everyone.  What kind of guy gets dumped by a girl who is deathly sick?”

Stella stared up
at him, mouth agape.  “I’m sorry, did you just say you told everyone in the
Shaker Heights PD all about my grotesque cancer side effects and how much I
repulsed you because you didn’t want to look like an asshole?”  She barked out
a loud laugh.  “Well, that sure backfired, didn’t it?”

“Yes.  I acted
like a complete asshole.  And they gave me hell about it.  And I deserved it. 
I deserved all of it, Stella.  But I was confused and scared and stupid.  I
didn’t know how to handle any of that.” 

Ryan crouched down
in front of her.  When he went to place his hands on her knees, Stella slapped
them away, so he put them on his own knees instead.  “But I’ve changed.  And
I’ve realized how much you mean to me.” 

His dark blue eyes
surrounded by those black lashes were as interesting and lovely as Stella
remembered, but they no longer held any allure.  Or even objective beauty.  Now
looking into them made Stella feel empty…and stupid for ever liking this
person, let alone fooling herself into thinking she loved him. 

“But, Ryan, I
still only have one breast.  How could you possibly be with me?  I’m deformed
and half a woman, remember?”

Despite her best
attempt at keeping cool, Stella’s eyes welled up.  All of the hurt, anger, and
pain came rushing back in a humongous tidal wave of raw emotion.  It didn’t
hurt as acutely as it once had, but, obviously, it still had the ability to
affect her…as was evident by the shakes, barely held back tears, and tightening
in her chest.

Ryan stood and
stepped back. “I never said ‘deformed,’” he replied feebly.

“Oh, but ‘half a
woman’ isn’t so bad, right?” Stella shot out of her seat and pointed at his
chest.  “And don’t you even try to deny it!  I know you said it because you
said almost the same thing to me…just a little more sugar-coated.” 

Suddenly, the
painful memories robbed her of her breath and Stella dropped her hand. 

She stared into
Ryan’s widened eyes, head shaking, and whispered, “You said my scar was
disgusting, Ryan.  The rest of the stuff – the hair loss and the vomiting and
the weight loss – that would have been horrible enough to poke fun at.  But to
say it about my scar?  That I got from my surgery?  From a surgery I needed to
stay
alive
?”  The tears she’d been trying so hard to hold back rolled
down her cheeks.  “How
could you think such a thing, let alone say it
out loud to a roomful of strangers?”

“I knew you didn’t
want to be with me anymore, Stella.  I could tell.  I wanted to save face.  I
know it was wrong and stupid and that’s why I’m here apologizing.”

“A year later! 
And I didn’t want to be with you anymore because you showed your true colors
the second I got sick.  You were nothing but insensitive, absent, and totally
self-absorbed.  I put up with it for a little while because I was too sick and
too scared to deal with your bullshit on top of taking care of myself.  But
that only bought you a few weeks because even balding, sick, and possibly
dying, I thought way too much of myself to allow someone to treat me that way.”

“Let’s put it in
perspective, okay?  We’d only been dating a few months when you were
diagnosed.  Of course I was scared and freaked out.  Yes, I was immature and
handled things totally wrong, but what did you expect?  That I’d instantly drop
everything and devote myself to caring for someone who was that sick?”  Ryan
scoffed.  “Name me one guy who would do that, Stella.”

“I can think of
one guy right off the bat.  And he’s the only guy that matters.  And who will
ever matter.”

“Who, that
Cleveland cop?  Give me a break, Stella.  From what I hear, the guy is a total
bore.  Mr. Rules and Regulations.  Mr. By The Book.”  Ryan snorted.  “Exactly
opposite of you, by the way.”

Stella took a good
look at Ryan.  And at herself…at the person she’d been a year and a half ago
when she’d started dating him.  She looked at all of the pieces and tried to make
everything fit.  To figure out how in the hell things had gone the way they’d
gone.

“I think that’s
what I liked about you, Ryan.  At first.  You seemed as hell-bent on doing
things your way as I was about doing things my way.  I admired your willingness
to buck the system and to stand up for what you believed in.  I thought your
passion came from wanting to do the right thing the right way.  You were so
good at making your motives seem altruistic and kind.” 

Stella shook her
head.  “But that isn’t you at all.  You are a very scared person and a very
insecure person who feels the need to belittle others – even those physically
and emotionally weaker than yourself – to feel stronger.  You’re not loud about
it and you’re not over the top, which is how you tricked me for as long as you
did.  And I wanted so badly to feel something for someone…to connect and to
share and to experience things.”  She stared up at him, her understanding
dawning.  “I’m disappointed in myself that I was so desperate to connect with
someone emotionally that lost all good judgment.  But I’ve beat myself up for
those bad decisions over and over and over again for the past year and I’m done
with that now.”  

Stella smiled
through her still falling tears.  “And as cliché as it sounds, I’m really glad
you hurt me that way.  It sucked at the time and, for awhile, it really fucked
up the way I looked at men, myself, and the world.  But the pain also gave me a
clarity I would have never had without it.  The pain guided me to where I am
now and that’s exactly where I should be:  with a man who loves me because of
my survival and my scar – not in spite of it.”

Stella exhaled a
long, shaky breath.  “So, in case you couldn’t tell, I not only don’t want to
date you, I’d prefer to never have any contact with you ever again.  Because,
whether it’s your immaturity, insecurity, or just plain ole cruelty, you are
not someone I’d waste a second of my precious life on ever again.”

Stella walked away
from a stunned, slack-jawed Ryan.  When she got to the door, she turned
around.  “Oh, and for the record, Nathan Drazek is the least boring man I’ve
ever met.  He’s smart and funny and kind and the sexiest man alive as far as
I’m concerned.  He’s everything you’re not and everything you could never be in
a million years.”  Stella tapped her lips in faux deep thought.  “And since
he’s twice the man you’ll ever be, I guess that kind of makes you half a man,
huh?”

Stella served him
up a shit-eating grin.  “Have a nice life!”

She pulled open
the door, kicked the oxygen canister aside, and slammed the door behind her
with a satisfying
thwack!

Chapter
Twenty-One

Nathan picked up
his cell.  “Hello?”

“Nathan!  Thank
God!  I’ve been worried sick!”  Stella yelled into his ear.  “Where in the hell
have you been?  I’ve been calling for hours!”

“Sorry.  I had a
busy night. I just got off work myself.”

“Nathan, god…I
mean, what kind of timing…Christopher told me you came up to see me.  That you
were there when Ryan was there.”  Stella sighed.  “I feel like a broken record,
but I promise you that nothing is going on between us.  He came up to try and
get back together, but I told him that wasn’t going to happen.  And that I
never wanted to see him again.”  She sighed again.  “But I can only imagine
what you are thinking.”

Stella had no clue
what he was thinking or how he was feeling.  Nathan could hardly wrap his head
around it.

“I know.  I heard
the whole thing,” he said.

“You…how?”

“The door was
cracked.  I heard you guys talking and I, uh, overheard your conversation.”

Nathan waited for
Stella to get indignant about him listening in to her private conversations and
she’d have every right.  But, naturally, her reaction was nothing like what he
expected.

“And?” she
prompted.

“And, what?”

“And what did you
think?  Were you upset or relieved or confused or what?”

Well, that was a
tough one.  He’d nearly put his fist through the door a few times, he’d nearly
cried a few times, and he’d damn near smiled a few times. 

“I
was…irritated…he was bothering you again.  But you handled yourself very well. 
I don’t think you’ll be hearing from him again any time soon.”

“Yeah, I think
you’re right about that,” Stella said with a shaky laugh.  “It felt good. 
Really good.  I really needed that.  I got to say everything I’ve been wanting
to say for a really long time.”

“That’s good.”

“Nathan, you sound
really weird.  Are you sure you’re not freaked out about anything?”

Oh, he was beyond
freaked out. 

“I’m fine.”

“I want to talk to
you in person.  Can you come over?  I’m almost there.  I can meet you,” she
said.

“Come over my
house tonight.  I’m behind you.  I’ll follow you there,” he said.

“You’re…”  He saw
Stella’s head turn and he waved.  “What are you doing back there?”  

“I don’t like you
driving home alone this late, so I came up after work to follow you home.” 
Only part of that was a lie. 

“You are half a
creeper, Nathan!”  Stella said, laughing.  “And half a stalker.  And very
sweet.  Thank you.”

A few minutes
later, they pulled in Nathan’s driveway. 

Stella smiled at
him as she slammed the door shut.  “If it’s not presumptuous, I might leave a
set of clothes here for nights like this.”  She gestured down to her rumpled
scrubs.  “These are so gross to wear after a shift, you know?”

Nathan walked up
the porch stairs.  “You’re not going to need your clothes anyway,” he said so
quietly he wasn’t sure Stella heard him.

But then she
laughed and wrapped her arms around him from behind.  She pressed her cheek to
his back as he unlocked the door.  “Promise?”

That’s one promise
he knew he could keep, no problem. 

Nathan pushed the
door open and stepped aside to let Stella in first. 

And held his
breath…

“
Nathan
…” 
Stella entered the front room slowly, taking it all in.  She turned to face
him; eyes wide.  “What is all this?”

Suddenly, Nathan
felt like a huge asshole.  He didn’t have the slightest idea how to do any of
this and he was pretty sure he’d screwed it all up.  And he sure as hell didn’t
know how to explain his weird intentions to Stella.

Nathan cleared his
throat.  “I called your sister.  Nina.  At the CPD, hoping she’d be at work. 
And she was.”  He crossed his arms over his chest.  “I, uh, asked her what some
of your favorite stuff was.  And then Danny and I stopped by the store got it. 
I…”  Nathan gestured to the sad excuse for a romantic gesture.  “…tried to, uh,
put something together.  For you.”

Stella looked
around at the bizarre arrangement of paper bowls on his candle lit coffee
table.  They contained such delicacies as chili cheese Fritos, double stuffed
Oreos, honey roasted peanuts, and sliced up cheese danish – all illuminated by
some tiny, white candles he’d found in the corner of the all night grocery
store.