All of Me (11 page)

He opened his
mouth to slay her.  Unfortunately, what came out was, “Come on.  Let’s go
already.”

When she
half-skipped over, he almost leaned closer to smell her better.  When she
smiled up at him, he almost smiled back.  As they started walking, Stella
started talking on and on about something Nathan couldn’t concentrate on.  And
when she laughed and her hand grazed his forearm in a casual, non-premeditated
way, he almost wept.

Thank God the
woman was a talker and didn’t seem to mind his nonparticipation.  She talked
about her night, about something funny one of her nephews had done, and how
she’d been craving Mexican food lately.  It was an odd stream-of-consciousness,
one-sided conversation he reveled in.  Stella was animated, loud, and laughed
breathlessly – nervously – at her own little quips and comments.  Occasionally,
she looked up at Nathan and
his
breath would catch.  Her cheeks were
flushed and her dark eyes sparkled and he was dying to kiss those freckles on
the bridge of her nose. 

He cleared his
throat in a vain attempt to loosen it up a little.

“Is your head
spinning yet?”  Stella wiped at her forehead.  “I’m a bit of a motor mouth. 
Especially after a long night at work and loads of coffee.”

“It’s fine.”

“Oh!  Ow!”  She
yanked at his shirt sleeve, pulling him to a stop.  Nathan fought the urge to
yank back.  Her touch was incredible.  And difficult to endure.  “My ankle.” 
She winced when she moved it.  “Yikes.” 

Stella gestured to
a neighborhood park they’d been passing.  “Do you mind if we sit for a minute? 
I turned my ankle.”

He let her hold on
to his arm while she limped over to a bench. 

Stella dropped
onto the bench and pulled her right ankle up over her left knee.  She pulled
the sock down and winced.  “A few years ago, I was wrestling this maniac in the
ER and my ankle got sprained.  Every now and again, it’ll hurt.”  Stella
rotated it a few times set her foot back on the ground gingerly.  It’ll be fine
in a minute.”  She looked up at him and grinned.  “Not much of a running
partner, huh?”

“Why did you come
to my house?” 

If she was
surprised by his abrupt question, she didn’t show it.  She just lifted a
shoulder and replied, “I’m not sure, to tell you the truth.  I guess I thought
we could be friends.”
   “I don’t want to be friends.  I have enough friends.”

Run away.  Get
away from her as quickly as possible.  Run.  Now.

Their eyes
remained locked as Nathan stayed right where he was.  They did their weird
staring thing again.  For a long time.

Until she finally
whispered, “Do you feel it?  Nathan, you feel it too, right?”

Nathan slowly
shook his head.

“Please don’t lie
to me.  Don’t pull any macho BS with me. 
Please
.”  She scooted closer
and Nathan instinctively moved away.  She scooted again. “It’s only us here. 
You can tell me.  I won’t tell anyone.  And I don’t want anything from you.  In
fact, I
really
don’t want anything from you.  I just want you to tell me
that it’s happening to you too.  Because I feel like I’m going crazy.”

Join the
motherfucking club.

“I’m married,”
Nathan blurted.

She smiled
sweetly.  “No, you’re not.”

“I have a
girlfriend.”

“No, you don’t.  I
called your partner and asked him.  Because I can’t very well show up on your
doorstep asking for a running partner if you have a girlfriend or are married,
right?  He also clarified the whole asking if I wanted his number thing.” 

Fucking Danny.
 

Out of nowhere,
Nathan was more honest with this wacky, terrifying woman than he’d ever been
with anyone else.  Although she really wasn’t giving him any other choice. 
She’d cornered him like a caged animal.

“Listen, I’ve had
a screwed-up life and I have a lot of issues.  I do a lot of really fucked-up
shit - shit you don’t want any part of.  You are a really nice person and I’m
sure you feel badly about stuff that went on and I appreciate that.  But I
cannot do this.  I don’t want to be friends or anything else.  And I really
don’t want you showing up at my house anymore.  It’s better for you.  I swear
it is.  Nothing good will happen to your life if you have me in it.  So let’s
end this now.  ‘Cause I am not looking for this. 
Ever
.”

A little crinkle
appeared between her eyebrows as she studied his face.  “What kind of fucked-up
shit do you do?” 

This woman was
something else.  Nathan was torn between wanting to punch something and laugh.

But any urge to
laugh ended when she went to grab his hand.

“And why are the
backs of your hands and arms all scarred up?”

“Goddamn it!  None
of your
fucking
business!”  Nathan stood to storm off, but remembered
her twisted ankle.  Nathan bent down, hooking one arm under her knees and the
other behind her back.  With one tug, he pulled her up to his chest and took
off toward her house. 

He chose not to
wonder why touching her seemed normal or why something about her body in his
arms felt very
right
.  And why the warmth of her bare arms around his
neck was the incredible sensation of his life.  He didn’t notice or care how
near her lips were to his face; that if he would have turned, their lips would
have met.  And he sure as fuck wasn’t shaking inside at the thought of doing
exactly that. 

As he pounded the
pavement toward her street, Stella tightened her arms and pulled herself a little
nearer to his face.  The warmth of her breath against his cheek and the sweet
mint of her breath had his head spinning and his mouth watering.  Without
warning, Stella dipped her head and pressed her warm, soft lips against the
stubbled skin of his jawline. 

Nathan stumbled. 

When she laughed,
low and throaty, Nathan’s self-control snapped.

He turned his head
and took her gasp into his mouth as he captured her lips in a hard, deep kiss. 
The little moan following the gasp was his undoing.  All thoughts of who he
was, who she was, and why this was the worst idea on earth flew out of his mind
as he thrust his tongue as deeply into her hot, little mouth as he could.  And
she gave as good as she got; biting at his lips, licking them, and then delving
her tongue deep into his mouth.  Stella’s hands held his face tightly to hers
as they went at each other…right there in the middle of a suburban street at
6:30 in the damn morning. 

Nathan didn’t give
a fuck.  Everything fell away except her.  He’d never had any urge, any
compulsion, like the urge he was having to get inside of Stella Ciaramitaro
right now.   He’d never experienced anything like it before and knew he never
would again.  It was her…only her. 

Don’t do
anything stupid, Stella
, had been the family motto since Stella could
remember.  And with good reason.  She’d always been the impetuous, emotional,
passionate one.  Always following her feelings instead of her head and it had
gotten her into a lot of trouble.

This situation
with Nathan would no doubt be yet another example.

But his arms had
been so strong around her; his chest so hard and broad.  He’d lifted her as if
she’d weighed nothing.  And the way he smelled…

No warm-blooded,
heterosexual woman alive could have resisted tasting him.  He’d smelled like
expensive cologne and man and cinnamon gum.  As delicious as anything she’d
ever smelled.  And the actual taste of him was 500% better.  Nathan Drazek was
nothing like what he seemed and everything that appealed to her. 

Of course, it
couldn’t go any farther than a kiss.  Stella was missing parts that mattered to
men and she was about to be missing one more of them.  She’d never put herself
through that humiliation again.  But that didn’t mean she couldn’t enjoy a kiss
– or ten – with the sexiest, most interesting man she’d ever met.  No harm, no
foul.

He’d already said
he wasn’t looking for anything either. 

Perfect.

Their lips still
fused together, Stella squirmed until he slowly, gently turned her in his
arms.  They were now front to front, with Nathan holding her tightly up against
him.  Stella’s legs wrapped around his waist and Nathan moaned deep inside of
her mouth.  His hands found her ass – grabbing hard and pulling her as close as
humanly possible while still clothed. 

The sensations and
emotions took over and she broke away from their kiss to bury her face in
Nathan’s neck.  Stella licked up his jugular and nipped at his jawline.

“
Oh, God…
” 
Nathan dipped his head and found her lips again.  They went at each other for
what seemed like hours before an obnoxious car horn broke the spell.

“Hey, get a
room!”  There was another long, loud horn honk.  “This is a family
neighborhood!  Perverts!”

Nathan pulled
away, despite Stella’s best attempts to prevent it.  He panted hard and hot
against her neck as he lifted a hand up to the offended mini van family before
they sped away.

Stella exhaled a
laugh in between her own panting.  “I’ve never engaged in public indecency
before.  I guess it’s lucky I’m with a cop, huh?”

Nathan looked down
at her with that inscrutable face of his and Stella wished she knew what he was
thinking. 

He’s probably
thinking you’re a Badge Bunny who throws herself at every hot cop in
Cleveland.  That you’re not real adept at the art of playing hard to get.  That
you’re desperate and chatty and really nosy. 

That you’re
still hanging on him like a wet towel.

Stella loosened
her grip and Nathan let her slide slowly down the front of his body until her
feet touched the pavement.  She’d felt his erection – how could she not?  And
she suddenly wondered if he’d noticed her lack of a breast at any time during
their make-out session.

“I’m…I, uh…”  He
gripped the back of his neck and shook his head.  “I’m sorry. I don’t know what
that was.”

Nathan seemed
genuinely dazed and confused, which only made him more adorable.

“I think we’ve got
some serious chemistry or something going on here.”  She studied his face
appreciatively.  “I’ve never felt anything like it before.  You hear about
lightning bolts and stuff like that, but I always thought it was crap.  Just
stuff that happens in the movies.”  She laughed shakily.  “Guess not, huh?” 

“That can’t happen
again,” he said flatly, firmly, and any secret hopes Stella had about him
declaring how affected he was too flew out the window. 

But he
was
right.

She nodded, arms
wrapping around her waist.  “I agree.  Totally.  Can’t have that happen.  Ever
again.”

“Good.  Okay,
good.  That’s…yes, that’s good.”  Nathan dragged a hand down his face.  “Yeah,
let’s, uh, get you home.”

His pained expression
and stiff stance made it clear he’d decided putting his hands on her again was
out of the question. 

“I can manage. 
You got us most of the way here,” Stella said.  “We’re ten houses down.  I’ll
be fine.” 

With a muttered
curse, he picked her up again.  “Keep your lips off my neck.  And my face. 
Please.” 

He got her home in
record time and deposited her on her front porch.  Before Stella could thank
him, he was off again at what could have been interpreted as an insulting
pace.  He looked like one of those vampires in
Twilight
, moving at the
speed of light. 

It took Stella a
few attempts to get the shaky hand holding the key to work properly.  Stella
let herself in and sank into a kitchen chair, still holding her iPod and keys. 
She stared unseeing at the wall for a while before dragging herself into the
bathroom. 

Between the
walking and the making out, she was a sweaty mess.  Shorts, undies, socks, and
shoes shucked, all that remained were her bra and tee shirt.  Stella pulled off
her shirt and stared at the deflated left cup of her bra.

“It shouldn’t have
mattered.  It was only skin and fat and cancer.  None of that should have
mattered.  None of it has anything to do with my self-worth and the things I
have contributed - and will continue to contribute - to the world.  I love
myself and I have many people who love and appreciate me.”

They were
statements she’d been repeating to herself over and over for a year. 
Statements her therapist, Jen, and she had come up with to empower her and
minimize Ryan’s impact on her self-esteem. No, on more than that.  On her whole
view of relationships and love and the world.

And she believed
those statements – she really did.  Her breast had only been skin, fat, and
cancer and it had to go. 

Buh-bye
. 

Stella’s mom had
held onto her breasts for too long and it had cost her her life.  And she’d had
a husband who would have loved her unconditionally.  It would have been pure
stupidity to think about hanging onto it for vanity.  Or to keep a man.  It had
never crossed Stella’s mind.  Not once.  And it wouldn’t cross her mind to keep
the other one either.

Stella took off
her bra and cupped her “good” boob. 

It was nice, she’d
give it that.  The other had been nice too.  Always did her proud in bikini
tops, v-necks, and, of course, totally naked.  But it had tried to kill her and
so it had to go.  And this one would have to go too. 

Stella traced the
mastectomy scar and wondered what Nathan would think of her chest. 

You’re supposed
to be past caring what people think of your body.  You’re supposed to be over
all that.  Why can’t you just let it go?  And it’s not like he’d ever see it
anyway!  Ridiculous!

Stella traced the
scar again.

“It shouldn’t have
mattered.  It was only skin and fat and cancer.  None of that should have
mattered.  None of it has anything to do with my self-worth and the things I
have contributed…”

Chapter
Ten

Danny turned the
Bon Jovi song on the cruiser radio down a couple of notches.  “Hey, you busy
Friday night?” 

“No, why?” 

“I thought maybe
we could hit that new exhibit at the CMA and have some dinner.”

“Oh, so you wanna
take me on a date?  You should have just said so.”  Nathan quirked a brow. 
“But since when do you like museums?”

“Well, it wouldn’t
be just you and me…”  Danny shrugged.  “I thought maybe you and Stella could
double with me and that girl Penelope I met the other night.”

Nathan’s gaze
turned deadly.  “Is that a joke?  Stella and I are not dating.  We are not a
couple and we are not ‘doubling’ anywhere with you.”

“Come on, buddy! 
I really want to get with this girl, but she’s all cultured and shit.  Stella
is smart.  She said her first degree was in art history.  She can help me pull
this off!”

“She told you
her…how long
was
that conversation you two had?”

“Not long.  She
asked me some stuff and I asked her some stuff.”  Danny grinned, unwrapping a
piece of gum and popping it into his mouth.  “Don’t get all jealous and start
swinging.  It was a perfectly respectful conversation.  I really like her.  I
approve 100%.”

Nathan’s teeth
ground into his jaw. “I am not jealous.  I have no reason to be jealous.  She
isn’t my girlfriend.  Or anything else.  And I couldn’t care less if you
approve of it
.
 
It
doesn’t exist.”

“Uh-huh.”  Danny
chomped away and Nathan considered swinging on him for other reasons.  “Well,
then you won’t care if I ask Bobby to double with us, right?”

“Bobby Luciano?”

“Yeah. I think
Stella and Bobby will get along great. They’ve got the whole Italian thing
going on, you know?”  Danny glanced sideways at Nathan.  “So, you don’t care? 
You and Stella aren’t a couple or anything, so it shouldn’t be a problem,
right?”

Nathan pulled at
his suddenly too-tight uniform collar.  “Why would I care?  Go for it.  You’d
better warn Bobby though - the woman doesn’t shut up.  She talks and talks and
talks.  It’s enough to make you crazy.”

Danny nodded
thoughtfully.  “Talks a lot.  Okay.  Yeah, I can see how watching those sweet
lips move over and over again would be a total turn-off.”

Nathan hadn’t
thought about anything
but
those sweet lips moving for the past
forty-eight hours, since they’d been on his skin and his lips and whispering in
his ear.

He’d barely
slept.  Jerking off ten times hadn’t made a dent and neither had working out
until
both
hands were bloody rags. 

Stella had said
she felt like she was going crazy and that’s precisely how Nathan felt.  He
felt like he was losing his mind.

And now he was
thinking about her with Bobby-
fucking
-Luciano…Italian Stallion
extraordinaire. 

Nathan rolled down
the window and gulped some cool night air.  It was either that or smash out the
windshield. 

“I know, instead
of inviting Stella and Bobby, why don’t you come with that chick who’s been
panting after you for years.”  Danny snapped his fingers.  “What’s her name? 
Nadia?  The secretary from the station?”

Nathan would no
sooner date Nadia than shove pins into his eyes.  She was a typical badge
chaser:  hot for anyone in a uniform.  And relentless.  She wore shirts that
showed off her cleavage and heels so high she teetered when she walked.  For
some reason, she’d been after Nathan for a while.  He figured he might be one
of the only ones left she hadn’t screwed yet – thus, the allure.  Nathan had
never considered, for a millisecond, spending any time with Nadia, but the idea
suddenly seemed to have some merit.

“Yeah, sure, I’ll
go with Nadia.  Friday night.  Yeah, that sounds good.” 

Relief flooded his
body, but he didn’t allow himself to examine why too closely.  All he knew was
that Stella was
not
going on a date with Bobby Luciano and that was good
enough for him.

***

If Stella had a
brain in her head, she wouldn’t be doing this.  But she really wanted to go to
that new Regency exhibit at the Cleveland Museum of Art and none of her sisters
could (or would) go with her. 

Sure, it was going
to be weird being a third wheel to a guy she’d only met a few times and his
date, but Stella was feeling restless these days.  A Friday night out (instead
of playing Scrabble with Pops) might be just what she needed blow off a little
steam.

Plus, Danny said
his date was really into art history, so maybe she’d even make a new history
nerd acquaintance.

The plan was to
meet Danny and his date, Penelope, at a chic new restaurant downtown , The Stony
Lonesome.  From the restaurant, they’d hit the exhibit at the CMA. 

Stella considered
swinging by Nathan’s on her way downtown.  They’d agreed not to make out, but
they hadn’t agreed not to talk.  Or go to museums together.  Maybe if she
stopped by and he saw her in her little black dress and heels, he’d lose all
conviction and kiss her again.  Her fake boob was in and she was looking really
good… 

Stella sighed. 
Because she shouldn’t wish for things that went against what she knew was
best.  And being alone – to face what was to come and beyond – was best for
now.  Sexy-as-hell cops with mental health hang ups weren’t going to fit into
her plan.  So Nathan was really doing them both a favor.

Then why do I want
to bust down his door and take him against his will?

Stella sighed. 
Again.  There would be no accosting of police officers in their own homes
tonight.  The best she could hope for was good food, good conversation, and a
great trip to the museum.  And that would have to be enough.

Stella made the
drive downtown, valet parked her cherry red Chevy Malibu, and entered the
restaurant. 

And almost turned
right back around.

Because
The
Stony
Lonesome wasn’t the pretentious meat market she’d expected.  It was
romantic
. 
Like roaring fireplaces/candlelit tables/strolling violinists romantic. 

Shiiiiiiiiiit.

Stella reminded
herself she’d been in uncomfortable positions before and lived.  Like the time
Nina and Carla had invited her to a lesbian bachelorette party.  Stella had
spent six hours explaining she wasn’t gay, bi, or bi-curious.  She’d wished she
was that night because she certainly would have had a better time.  She’d
nearly strangled her sister on the way home and she was feeling only slightly
less murderous toward Danny right now.

But ‘slightly
less’ went out the window as Stella approached the table she’d spotted Danny
and his date at only to find another man there.  Next to some empty chairs…one
of which Stella could only presume was for her. 

Dear God, no…

“Hey, Stella!” 
Danny waved her over.  Stella plastered on the best smile she could muster and
walked up.  Her heart was beating out of her chest, her hands were clammy, and
she thought she might throw up the PB&J she’d eaten for lunch. 

Stella didn’t do
blind dates.  Never had and never would.  They were awkward, weird, and
downright scary.  And yet here she was.

I will kill
him.  I will gather my clan and march on his home.  I will tear him to pieces
and feed him into a wood chipper…

Stella’s violent
plans were interrupted when the other guy stood and extended his hand.  “Hi,
I’m Bobby Luciano.  You must be Stella.  Nice to meet you.”

Bobby L. was a
really good looking guy:  tall, dark, and handsome.  Exactly who her parents
had envisioned their daughters marrying.  A guy from the block.  A
paesan.

“Hi,” Stella shook
his hand. She exhaled a little laugh, pulling back her hand.  “Sorry it’s so
sweaty. It’s hot in here.”

Bobby laughed. 
“Yeah, I hear you.”  He pulled out her chair.  “Here you go.”

Stella hung her
handbag on the chair and sat.  She wished like hell she could adjust her boob,
but it was way too crowded in here.  Plus, Danny and his date were staring at
her; Penelope with friendly interest and Danny with pure, unadulterated guilt.

Stella stood and
extended her hand across the table, a little uncomfortable that her butt was now
squarely in Bobby’s face.  “Hi, you must be Penelope.  I’m Stella Ciaramitaro.”

“Hi, Stella, so
nice to meet you!  Danny has told me so much about you!  So glad you could
come!  Sit down!  Sit down!  Do you want some wine?”  She tossed her long
blonde hair over her shoulder and frantically looked around.  “Where
is
that waiter?” 

Wow, Penelope was
a ball of energy.  And it was no wonder.  She was all of about 20 years old. 

Art history
enthusiast, my ass.

Bobby busy messing
with his tie and Penelope manically searching for a waiter, Stella took the
opportunity to shoot Danny the biggest, baddest
malocchio
she could
manage.  And it was a doozy.  He actually winced. 

He mouthed “sorry”
to her, but before Stella could reply, his eyes darted to the front of the
restaurant.  He winced again.  “I’m
really
sorry,” he mouthed.

Stella turned to
see what he was looking at and nearly fell out of her chair.

It was Nathan. 

Oh, but not just
Nathan…Nathan
and
a tall, thin redhead with big ole boobs, a 24 inch
waist, and baby-making hips she was currently sashaying their way.

Nathan’s
expression when he saw Stella would have been comical had she not been an
unwilling participant in this fucked-up charade.  He stopped short, midway to
the table and, very literally, gawked.  At Stella.  At Bobby.  At Danny.  Then
back at Stella.

Stella shot Danny
a look.  Penelope, Bobby, and Miss Porno Star wouldn’t know what it meant, but
Danny Stella, and Nathan knew exactly what it meant.  Danny had the good sense
to look genuinely afraid when Nathan’s glare turned on him.

Stella took a
moment to admire Nathan while he walked up.  He looked amazing: khaki pants, a
white dress shirt, blue blazer, and a tie.  Spotless brown oxfords.  He was
freshly shaven and Stella knew from experience he smelled divine. 

She glanced at
Nathan’s date and her lips curled.  The red-headed slut – er, woman – seemed to
know Danny and Bobby.  She was gabbing away and swirling a hand full of
perfectly French manicured nails in the air to get the waiter’s attention.  She
wasn’t super young – probably early 30’s – but she looked like she had been
ridden hard and put up wet.  More than a few times.

Bitch.

“Drazek.”  Bobby
extended his hand to Nathan who reluctantly shook it.

“Luciano,” he
replied in a clipped tone.  He released Bobby’s hand and met Stella’s eyes
again.  “Stella, can I talk to you outside for a minute, please.”