All Better Beautiful (Payton's Heart) (2 page)

I woke up
to a dark figure standing over me. I quickly glanced over to the clock on my
dresser it was 4:38 am. What was he doing here in my room what could I have
done I was sleeping. He was silent as he stood there…the time seemed to stand
still. Then from nowhere he struck me hard across my right cheek with the back
of his hand. I knew better than to cry out that only made things worse. I
couldn’t see the expression on his face but by his tone I could tell he felt no
remorse, "Don’t you ever walk into my house again without knocking
first." Just like that he turned and walked out of my room. Tears slowing
began falling down my cheeks I turned into my pillow hiding even the
possibility of letting any noise escape. I knew he would be leaving for work
soon he had to be there at six and he has to drive for forty five minutes to
get there.

Once I
heard the truck come to life I knew I was safe to get up. I quickly went into
the bathroom and turned on the shower. When I turned to get a towel from the
cabinet I caught a glimpse of the mark across my face in the mirror just below
my eye. I stood there in the bathroom looking at my reflection mirror. The mark
had already started to turn slightly purplish in color. I stepped into the
shower and the reality of the entire morning hit me I slid down the shower wall
and began sobbing uncontrollably to the point where I felt exhausted I knew I
needed to pull myself together. I found the strength to stand and quickly
finished. As I stepped out I looked at my reflection again and realized I was
going to need some help hiding this. I made my way to the hallway grabbing the
phone I called Casey. I knew she would be up she gets a head start on the
bathroom before her brothers take it over. After two rings, "Payton...What
in the hell are you doing up this early?" It took everything I had to stay
calm and simply state, "Casey I need your help can I come over?"

Fifteen
minutes later I was lightly knocking on her front door and almost immediately
she opened to greet me. I was looking down at the ground and when I lifted to
meet her gaze the tears built in her eyes. Without saying anything she led me
into her home and straight to her bedroom. She hugged me so tightly without
saying a word…she didn’t have to talk I just knew what she was saying. I loved
her so much for being exactly who I needed her to be when I needed her the
most. After hugging me she pulled back still with tears in her eyes but smiling
the best she could she said, "Let’s get you fixed up." She led me
down the hallway to the bathroom where she started applying makeup. A half hour
had passed without me even realizing the time had gone and she was done. I turned
to the mirror, "It looks better, at least it's Friday and I only have to
hide it for a day right? Then I can just hide out the rest of the
weekend". She wrapped her arm around my shoulders and that is the moment I
realized that I had left the house in my pajamas without any clothes to change
into for school. Looking up at her and knowing I was going to regret my next
statement I said, "Casey I’m going to need to borrow some clothes".
Glimmering eyes stared back at me in the mirror and she was glowing, "We
get to play dress up," she was seriously in heaven. This really could be
dangerous I wasn’t sure that Casey actually owned anything I would leave the
house in. Her idea of shorts I am afraid would probably barely cover my
underwear. I allowed her to put me into a pair of Khaki shorts which were short
but longer than most of her collection and a tighter than I normally wear yellow
t-shirt. I would have to refrain from raising my hand today unless I wanted to
bare my entire stomach. It was time to leave and I found myself looking in the
mirror and thinking Payton you actually look nice, like a girl not hiding
behind those big clothes. Casey touched my shoulder from behind me, "Hey
you ready to go?" I turned holding my hands out a little and looking down
at myself then back up at her waiting for her opinion. She smiled this huge
smile and said, "Honey you look hot!"

Walking
out the front door we both turned ours heads quickly to the sound of a loud
whistle. "Damn Payton who the hell knew you had a pair of sexy ass legs."
Dylan stated from his seat at the kitchen snack bar. Casey glared at him and I
know I turned a shade of red and smiled. The expression on his face changed
instantly and he got up quickly coming toward us pointing at my cheek he
demanded, "What the hell happened to your face." Before he got any
closer I quickly placed my hand on my cheek and replied, “Oh this, I am such a klutz
I tripped in the middle of the night walking into the kitchen and hit my cheek
on the counter. It looks worse than it is." I rushed it off by shrugging
my shoulders and Dylan did not look convinced. We turned quickly and went
straight to Casey’s car. We had already decided that she would drive us today
and she demanded that I was staying at her house tonight. Even though I thought
it was probably not the best idea I never argued. I stuck to my story all day
about falling in the middle of the night whenever someone paid enough attention
to notice the mark on my cheek. Mostly everyone kept commenting on the fact
that they could see my legs. I have to admit that the compliments I received
throughout the day were flattering with the exception of a few perverted Jocks.
The one that really stuck with me though came from Dylan that morning. He
actually noticed me and not to call my some dorky name, but to compliment me in
his own little way.

After
school we went by the hospital to see Karen she was on call and would be there
until eleven. We gave her the story about me falling in the middle of the
night. She looked at me like she wanted to push the point and say more but we
quickly changed the subject and asked if I could spend the night. She agreed as
she always does so we took off before she could ask any more questions about my
fall. She told us to order pizza for dinner and to be good.

When we
got to Casey’s we found Dylan and Carter out by the pool. I was watching Carter
dive for the rings anchored to the bottom. I turned to see Dylan looking up
over the top of his sunglasses staring at me. I felt heat rise inside me and
realized once again I was blushing and I am pretty sure he noticed to because
he just smiled that sexy smile and put his shades back in place. I knew though
that he was still watching me through his shades. When I moved so did he. It
felt nice to have him look at me in a different way. I had been trying to get
him to notice me for so long. We went inside to Casey’s room closed the door
turned up the music and danced around the room like crazy girls that had no
worries.

Later
that night after we ate pizza and watched a movie we were
laying
in Casey’s room in the ark and I started thinking, "Casey can I talk to you
about something?" She replied quickly, "You know you can talk to me
anytime about anything.” After a paused silence I continued, "I am tired
of hiding, I am so sick of feeling like I did something wrong. I'm either sad
or scared ninety five percent of the time. I only feel safe when he is gone but
even then I worry about what will happen when he gets home. I cry all the time and
wish I could just shut down, close off all the feelings. I hate my life
Case...I hate who I let myself become who I have let him force me to be."
With tears spilling over and a huge sense of insecurity I turned toward her and
at the exact time as I proceeded Dylan was right outside the door about to
torment us as he always does when he heard me say, "Sometimes I just wish
I could end all the pain and hurt, I wish I could just end it all. I hate
myself, I hate every single thing. Maybe next time he hits me I should just
fight back and then he can kill me and all the pain will be over, then I
wouldn’t have be so sad all the time." Dylan couldn’t believe what he'd
heard. Did she seriously just say she wished she could just die? How could
Payton allow some high school loser boyfriend to abuse her like that? Just some
guy she’s allowing to make her feel like she’s less than nothing. He felt like
a fire was lite within him and he wanted to find this punk who had hurt Payton
and beat the hell out of him. He quietly walked away and found his way to room.

Sunlight
was coming in through the windows of Casey’s room. I stretched, looking around
for her wondering what time it had to be. She wasn’t anywhere and for her to be
up this early is definitely not like her. She may be an early riser on weekdays
but she makes up for it on the weekends and took every advantage of being able
to catch up on her sleep. I walked through her doorway and down the hall toward
the kitchen. I could hear a conversation between Casey and Dylan. "Tell me
who the Hell he is Casey...NOW!" Dylan yelled extremely pissed and
irritated. Casey sounding exhausted and slightly whiney, "Dylan please
just let it go…you really have no idea what you’re talking about. You must have
heard her wrong and why were you listening to our conversation anyway, it’s none
of your business." There was a pause and then Dylan sounded very direct,
"If you don’t tell me who the fucking punk is hurting her then I'll ask
her myself, really Casey is she that lonely, that desperate to have a boyfriend
that she would let him beat on her. Is her self-esteem that low...?” Before I
knew it I had eased my way through the doorway and stood there looking at both
of them I hadn’t realized until that moment that I was crying. Hearing Dylan
call me desperate was hurtful. "Just stop Dylan!" Casey raised her
voice to make a point. "I'm just
gonna
go,"
I told Casey in a low embarrassed voice just above whispering and without
waiting for either of them to say anything I got my keys and walked toward the
front door. I passed Dylan when he reached out lightly touching my arm leaning
into me saying, "Payton I can't sit back and let some guy hurt you like
this, you deserve better." I looked up into his eyes with no feeling at
all, "If only that were true," and then I walked out of the front
door. Casey rushed after me still crying as she hugged me and with a pleading
look she said, "You don’t have to leave, you can stay again. I can talk to
my mom Payton maybe you can even stay longer than that. Please don’t go back
there please. I worry about you and you need to get help." Just over her
shoulder Dylan was standing on the porch looking out at us. I loved that Casey
wanted to protect me but I had to go. "Don’t worry Please…I'll be okay...I’ll
call you later," I released my hold on her and climbed into my car.

I never
went straight home. I drove around for about an hour just thinking. I needed to
calm down before I faced the storm. Weekends could usually get pretty bad
because he didn't have work so it was a constant drinking binge. Who needed
food when he had whiskey?

It was
about noon when I pulled into the driveway, his truck was gone. Maybe he never
came home last night. Maybe he stayed at one of his loser friend’s house after
a night at the bars. I went inside and decided by looking around that I should
probably clean so he wouldn't have any other reasons to be angry at me. I
started laundry, cleaned the bathroom and was working on the living room when I
heard the front door come open and John came stumbling in, “‘Bout Fucking time
you get off your ass ...clean up this fucking place". I never replied in
return I knew better...I just keep your mouth shut and no matter what…he is
always right always!

He walked
down the hall bumping into things on the way finally making it to his bedroom
at the end. He must have gotten a ride because when I went to the front window
looking out his truck was still not in the driveway and judging by his
condition it’s a good thing he wasn’t behind the wheel. After some time had
passed without any movement or noise I figured that he must have passed out. I
had finished the kitchen and living room. The laundry was all folded and put
away with the exception of Johns. I wasn’t allowed in his room for any reason
at all. I had all his clothes neatly folded in a basket and waiting just to the
side of his door for him to put away.

Not that
it would matter but I was always trying to stay on the even with him.
Appreciation was never given in this house, you were only recognized for the
things you didn’t do or the things you did wrong. I used to keep a notebook
when I was younger that I would write all of the things I did wrong so I
wouldn’t do them again and be punished a second time. After a while I started
to realize that what may have been acceptable one day wouldn't be the next. I
finally stopped writing things to avoid in the notebook when I figured out that
the only way to avoid getting hurt was to disappear, to hide as much as
possible. So I did...not only at home but in my entire life. I stayed quiet and
never stood up for myself, I just went with whatever I needed to do to get
through my day, Casey well she’s my backbone. John was never happy at least
around me not since my mom Maggie ran out on him...or on us. He was angry all
the time he told me I was her all over again I looked like her, talked like her
even acted like her. I was left here to take the fall for her leaving him. I
had no family to turn to for help. My mother was an only child and her parents
since then have both passed on. I never really knew any of her other family. John
was an orphan. He grew up in foster care and mom met him in college. After she
got pregnant with me they both dropped out and got married moving into this rat
hole I now call home. I guess the twelve years of service to him was enough for
her and she bailed. Without so much as a Payton I love you, or I will be back
for you. She was home when I left for school and when I came back nothing, she
was gone. From that day on I was the reason she left in Johns eyes anyway, it
had nothing to do with his constant drinking and temper. His anger toward me didn’t
start until after she left. He always was nice to me when she was home…I think
just to get under her skin. He wanted me to love him more because it hurt her I
know that now.