All Better Beautiful (Payton's Heart) (8 page)

When I
walked into Casey's room I found her lying in bed crying. She tried to hide it
at first but then I made her talk to me "Payton I screwed up majorly I
don't know what I'm going do my mom is going to hate me." I just listened
after all she has been judge free and has always been there for me threw
everything I owed her that in return. She lowered her head and looked at the
bed and whispered. “I’m Pregnant," and then she lost it...she must have
cried for an hour straight and then she fell asleep with her head on my lap as
I lightly brushed her hair with my fingers. I moved her off my leg slowly and
covered her up the best I could. There really wasn't room for me to crawl into
bed with the position she was sleeping in so I grabbed a pillow and blanket
then went out to sleep on the couch.

I woke up
to Carter practically sitting in my lap playing PlayStation. He looked back at
me when he felt me moving around, "Hey loser, what happened did you and
your girlfriend get into a fight?" Not sleeping very well and being a tad
bit cranky I slapped him on the back of his head pushing him off the couch as I
got up, “Shut up smartass." I went into Casey’s room and found she was
still sleeping when I walked past her dresser I noticed the wrapper in the
waste basket and the pregnancy test instructions were sticking out. I decided
that I had better get rid of the evidence at least until she was ready to tell
her mom. I grabbed the box and the wrappers tucking them under my sweatshirt. I
found a brown paper bag in the kitchen cabinet and stuffed the contents into
it. I turned to take it outside to the garbage and I was face to face with
Dylan, "What are you trying to hide?" He snatched the bag out of my
hands and looked into the bag. The look on his face at that moment was complete
heartbreak. Like someone had just told him that everyone in his life that he had
loved only had 24 hours to live. Complete devastation. "It’s not what you
think", grabbing it back I went out into the garage and he followed right
behind me. He grabbed me by the arm maybe a little too hard I yanked away from
him and lifted the lid to the big garbage can in the corner stuffing the paper
sack down as deep into the can as I could get it. I turned around to face him
still fairly moody from my lack of sleep and completely surprising him with my
actions, "Don’t you ever grab my arm like that again. It isn't what you
think and even if I was pregnant it would be none of your business you have
made it perfectly clear where you and I stand". As if missing everything I
said except for the pregnancy part he seemed a little relieved, "So it was
a false alarm then?" I was fuming now from his complete selfish
immaturity and from him pretending that he even had any right to be involved in
my personal life I moved in toward him about two inches from his face,
"Listen Asshole I'm a virgin, tell me how I could possibly be pregnant.
You walk around pretending that you care...you only want something to do with
me when there's someone else showing me attention. You can't have it both ways
Dylan. Just stay out of my personal life. If I decided to lose my virginity and
sleep with every single guy I met well guess what, you can’t say a damn thing
about it. You walked away from me after I told you I had feelings for you like
none of it even mattered..." I pushed past him and opened the door to go
back in. I stopped when I heard him reply, " I was wrong
,...
I shouldn’t have let you go. I'll regret that forever; I should have said that
I feel it too. Every day, every moment since you came back here the night Casey
went after you. I've regretted that I didn't tell you I have feelings for you
too. I just want to go back to that night and change the way I handled it but I
can't change it and I am sorry." Without turning around showing him that
he had gotten to me I simply said, "Yeah me too". I walked through
the door leaving Dylan standing in the garage alone.

I hid out
most of the day with Casey trying to help her figure out how she was going to
tell her mom. She had decided to wait until after Thanksgiving to reveal the
news. I took a nap in the afternoon. Casey had left with Seth they were going
to go somewhere and talk. I went out into the kitchen after I had woken up to
ask Karen if she needed any help and found her with a group of ladies cutting,
peeling and preparing a number of different things. When she noticed me she
started to introduce me to everyone. I knew a few of them Grandma Dee, Aunt Mae
and a few cousins. We all talked like I had been in the family forever. No one
made me feel like an outcast or a failure. It felt nice to be included.

Casey
came home late Karen was a little upset she wasn't home to help with the
preparations for Thanksgiving. They talked for a little while in the kitchen
before she came into the bedroom. She laid next to me for a long while telling
me about her day, her and Seth had decided that they were going to keep the
baby. I told her about me yelling at Dylan. It seems such a small problem
compared to what she was going through but she never made light of it. When it
came to Casey and I no matter how big or how small it may have seemed our
problems were always important to one another.

Waking up to the smell of Turkey was definitely not
something I was familiar with but it was a new favorite of mine. All of Karen’s
family would be returning at 1 pm. I helped along with Carter and Casey to set the
tables and bring in more chairs. Dylan had been hiding in his room for the last
twenty four hours, avoiding me I am sure. I was okay with that because it just
meant that I could pretend for a little while that none of it had even
happened. There was a huge part of me that just wanted to walk upstairs and
tell him that I was sorry for saying the things I had said. The inner battle I
was fighting with myself was really beginning to ware me out. He made me so
angry but yet when I saw him all I wanted to do was be in his arms. My entire
life as far as I can remember I have waited scared for the next bad thing to
happen, over all the years of have never felt safe until Dylan wrapped me in
his arms the morning he and Karen came to that Farm house to get me. He was a
security that I needed and even if it meant I couldn't have him the way I
wanted him I still needed to know that he was in my life. Right now at this
moment there was a huge distance between us and I was terrified of what that
meant.

I was standing at the sink washing my hands and without
turning around I felt him walk into the room. He never spoke to me or to anyone
he just opened the refrigerator and for a moment I held my breath. "Dylan
don’t ruin your appetite were eating soon,” Karen hollered from across the
room. The refrigerator door shut and I could still feel his presence. My heart
began to race. I dried my hands on the towel and turned toward the table seeing
him looking in my direction from the corner of my eye. I walked around the
table and grabbed my water, "Is there anything else you need help with
Karen?" I asked looking down at the table where she and Casey were folding
napkins. She looked up at me and wrinkled up her eyes and then looked over at
Dylan, “No honey thank you I think we got it." I walked passed Dylan and
straight to the family room grabbing my book of the coffee table and sat on the
couch. I opened it staring at the pages. Tears filling my eyes I blinked them
away. Time had passed as I still stared at the same page not actually even
reading one word. I knew what I had to do. This was Dylan's home and I was
interrupting his life. What Right did I have to be here? He shouldn’t have to
hide in his room to avoid me. I knew I was going to have to find somewhere else
to live. Seeing him daily was just too much. I should have never let out that I
cared for him. It made everything difficult and uncomfortable not just for him
and I but for anyone who was in the same room. It was obvious tension, you
didn't have to look for it, and it was definitely very much there.

Thanksgiving dinner was great with the exception of
Dylan's eyes burning into me every
secondt
. I met his
gaze a few times and I wasn't sure but at times he looked like he was hurting
and just when I started to soften thinking maybe I should talk to him, his look
changed. He would glare at me like I was his enemy. All of the kids had
gathered in the family room playing games and talking. Dylan was sitting on the
couch with Carter and couple of his cousins playing the PlayStation but he was
turned in the chair just right that he could see me. Casey and I were sitting
at the table to the back of the room playing 'go fish with a few of their
younger cousins. Trevor, Aunt Mae's son sat next to Dylan looking back and
forth between the two of us. I ignored the feeling of being talked about and
just stayed playing cards and laughing like I had no worries. "So Dylan
how long you going to pretend you don’t like that girl", Trevor questioned
Dylan. Dylan still looking directly at me responded to his older cousin,
"It doesn't matter
Trev
I already screwed that
one up...I could have had her but I just pushed her away. I just pretended to
be too proud to date a seventeen year old girl. I guess my sister was right I
am an asshole". He got up from the couch and left the room. I looked at
Casey, "I can't keep doing this Case, and it has gone too far. He
shouldn't feel uncomfortable in his own home." I excused myself I needed
to talk to him.

When I made my way into the kitchen I looked around and
made a connection the Karen's puzzled look. She looked at me for a moment and
then pointed toward the back door. I grabbed a sweater that hung on the back of
one of the bar stools and walked out to look for Dylan. I saw him standing out
by the pool as I approached I think he could sense me and once I was within a
foot of him, "I'm sorry about the other morning. You were right it isn’t
my business. I have no right to question you, no right at all." I placed
my hand on his shoulder blade and I took one more step toward him. He turned
and we looked at each other. I pulled my hand back putting it into the pocket
of the sweater. "It's really gotten weird between us. We used to be able
to laugh and joke with one another and I found myself thinking what brought us
to this point. We’ve reached the point where we can't even say hi to each other
without glaring or sounding angry. I realized that it's me..." he wanted
to interrupt and began shaking his head no..."
shh
let me finish please. I never should have told
you that I cared about you. I should have just kept it in. I have made you feel
uncomfortable in your own home by me being here and for that I'm so sorry. I
know how that feels. I know what I need to do." He looked hurt but I went
back inside and to Casey’s room. I hid away for the rest of the day. After
everyone had left I knew that Seth was coming over and that Casey was going to
tell Karen. That was a family matter and I needed to stay away. I asked Karen
right before Seth came if I could take the car and go for a drive. She agreed
but not without first asking me if I needed to talk. I had told her that
everything was fine that I just needed a little time by myself. I drove around
for a while I found myself sitting in front of my old house. I stayed in the
car just looking at the run down place, remembering the heartache and the pain
that lived within those walls. Flashbacks of all the abuse and mean words he
spoke.

Dylan walked into the kitchen at just the wrong time, “I
just can’t believe I am hearing this Casey, I thought you were being safe.
We've talked about this over and over again. I'm not going to get angry, I'm
not. I am just disappointed. How are you two going to raise a baby...?"
Karen was expressing her concerns for the path that Casey and Seth are destined
for. At first he thought he had misheard them and then he asked looking
directly at Casey, "So the test was yours?" She glared at him and
stood up placing her hands on the table leaning forward, "So what now you
sift through my garbage..." He shook his head and looked at Karen.
"Mom where's Payton?" Karen with tear streak cheeks replied, "She
went for a drive"

Dylan had driven around looking for his mom’s car for
about an hour. Most places where closed due to the holiday and after
unsuccessfully finding it he pulled over alongside of the road and grabbed his
phone. He dialed and waited for an answer.....

I heard my phone vibrating and because I had been heavily
crying and didn't want to have to explain why I just ignored the call. After a
few minutes it began ringing again. This went on repeatedly. Picking it up I
noticed it was Dylan's number. I couldn't talk to him right now. I needed to
think and he always seemed to cloud my judgment. Not his fault just because
when I heard his voice or seen his face everything else seemed to fade. Yes
even when we were mad at one another...he still affected me in ways I can’t
explain. The calls stopped after about five minutes and then a text came
through...

"Payton you may
not want to talk but I need to know you’re okay at least give me that!"

Dylan had sent a message after I wouldn't answer his
calls.

I waited a moment when I realized if I don’t text back he
is going to have everyone worried

 
"I’m fine I just need a break"

"I want to talk
to you more; there are a million things I need to say that I haven't been able
to. I owe you; I owe myself to be honest. Please can we meet somewhere and
talk. Please."

Dylan pleaded

"No it's not a
good time"
I
responded