After It's Over (8 page)

I can’t get divorced. I can’t do that to my girls.

Ben’s phone buzzed; Beth was getting impatient. He didn’t respond. Instead, he sent Paige a text saying that he missed her. She didn’t reply, and he didn’t blame her. With new resolve, he stood up and walked to the base of the stairs.

“What do you girls want for lunch?” he called, knowing the younger two girls would hear him.

A door opened and Billie bounced down the hall to the top of the stairs. She frowned and gave him a curious look.

“Did you just offer to cook?” she asked.

“Yeah, I did.” Ben ran his hand through his hair and hoped his youngest daughter would not give him the hard time her sister had.

“Do you know how to cook?” Billie remained unconvinced.

She twirled around on her toes because she was six and could never stand still. Just watching her made Ben tired.

“Who do you think cooked for you before Paige came along?”

“Bianca. She mostly made Top Ramen and instant Mac and Cheese. But that was before she became gluten-free.”

Billie grabbed the handrails that ran down the stairs. She swung back and forth on them like they were a set of monkey bars.

“Bianca’s gluten-free?”

“Um, yeah. What’re you, new?”

Ben sighed the loud, frustrated sigh of a man that was completely clueless in his own life.

“What else should I know about Bianca?”

“Um…” Billie’s face contorted into serious thought. “Did you know she made a bet with Madison to see who could lose their virginity first?”

Ben’s mouth dropped open, and he nearly fell down. “She what?”

“I don’t know what virginity is, but it must be bad if they’re trying to lose it. What’s that word mean, Daddy?”

Ben’s didn’t answer her question. He stomped up the stairs and went to Bianca’s door. He pounded on it until she answered.

“What the hell are you doing?” he said.

Bianca rolled her eyes and took her headphones out of her ears.

“What’s your drama now?”

“First off, I’m your father so you will speak to me with respect—”

“Respect is earned, not demanded,” she grabbed the door to shut it, but Ben blocked it with his foot.

“That works both ways, little girl. No guy is going to respect you when you don’t respect yourself.”

“What’s that’s supposed to mean?”

“It means I know about your bet, and it’s not happening. Do you understand me?” Ben’s voice squeaked; he was on the verge of coming unglued.

“Whatever,” Bianca slammed the door in his face.

Didn’t I just do that to Paige? Geez, I’m a jerk.

Ben didn’t bother to knock on his daughter’s door again. He grabbed the knob and flung it open. Startled, she jumped off her bed and backed away from him.

“I am your father, and as your father, I am telling you that you will not sleep with just any guy who pays attention to you.” Ben waved his finger at his daughter.

“Since when do you care?” Bianca demanded. “You know why I made this bet? Because I’m tired of being ignored by you and Mom. This way I’ll actually get some attention!”

Ben gulped hard; tears sprang to his eyes.
I’ve broken my daughter. How did it get this bad?

“I’m sorry. I’ve failed you as a father.”

Bianca looked away; she folded her arms across her chest and turned her back on him. Ben wrapped his arms around her, but she pulled away.

“Don’t touch me!”

He ignored her words and tried again; this time he held her tighter. It took a couple of minutes, but Bianca relented. She hugged him and cried like a little girl. When Billie appeared and asked what was wrong, Ben pulled her in for a hug too. He kissed her cheek and said he loved them both. When they were done, Ben went to down to the kitchen and made hot dogs because it was the only thing he knew how to cook.

CHAPTER EIGHT

“Will you pull over for a minute? I want to double check the address,” Drew said, frowning at his cell phone. He ran his finger along the map on his screen. “Hmm…”

Paige brought the car to a halt along on a narrow dirt road. She squinted. At the end of the road were several tall buildings.

“This can’t be right. We’re in the middle of nowhere.” He rubbed his head and looked around. “Are those cows crossing up ahead?”

“Well, we’re in Spanish Fork where cows crossing the road is a common event,” Paige replied. She grabbed the brochure that stuck out of Drew’s pocket and flipped through it. “Those buildings look like the ones in the brochure.”

“But there are cows,” Drew grimaced. “And I bet there isn’t a Starbucks for at least ten miles.” Drew’s knee shook; he held it still with his hand. “The Wi-Fi signal is ridiculous.”

Paige used all of her self-restraint not to laugh.

“Oh come on, loosen up. There’s no need to be afraid of livestock. It’s great out here. Lots of fresh air—”

“Yeah, the smell of manure is awesome,” he groaned.

“I’m sure there were quite a few wonderful rehab centers in Seattle, the land of eternal coffee. Why not pick one of them?” Paige asked.

Her brother looked at her like she just asked if there was life on Mars. It was a facial expression she hadn’t seen since she was in pigtails and trying to make off with some of his toys.

“You’re all the family I have left. I’d be crazy not to come here to do this.” Drew swallowed hard and blinked a few times. “Besides, there’s a lot that we haven’t talked about, and I think that we’re going to have to in order for me to get better.”

“There are mountains worth of stuff we’ve never talked about,” Paige commented.

And I still really don’t want to talk about any of it. No, I’d like to deny the past ever happened a little while longer.

Paige’s phone shook as it rested on the console between the seats. She picked it up, read the screen and loudly exhaled.

“Ben again?”

“Yeah, he says he misses me, which is weird because he travels all the time and never says that.”

Paige turned her phone off and shoved it in her purse.
I can only handle one drama at a time.

“Did he really name all of his kids ‘b’ names just because his name is Ben?” Drew looked amused and disturbed all at the same time.

“Yeah, I guess his grandparents did the same thing. I told him it wasn’t very original. He could’ve at least chosen a different letter. Before me, he dated a woman named Beth. If he had married her, things would have been perfect. They could have been the five ‘b’s.”

How I wish he had married her! Then she could be the one wondering where he is late at night or whom he’s secretly talking to on the phone. Hmm…maybe she is the one he’s secretly talking to.
I’d give anything to go back to that night in the bar and do things differently.

“I don’t know the guy, but I do know you, and you’re not happy with him. Every time his name comes up, you flinch like you’re in pain or something,” Drew said. “Why are you still with him?”

Paige stared at the cows crossing the road and shrugged. “Divorce isn’t an option. Isn’t that what Mom used to say?”

“Given how
that
worked out, I think it’s safe to say that sometimes divorce is the
better
option.”

Paige didn’t want to reflect on why she stayed. That would involve digging until she found the root of why she’d married a stranger in the first place.

“I stay because of the kids.”

“But they aren’t yours!” Drew waved his hands to drive home the point that her reasoning was absurd.

“It doesn’t feel that way to me.” Paige leaned her head against the window; the glass was cold on her cheek. “Ben’s gone a lot. That just leaves three very entertaining young girls and me. At first, I was really overwhelmed and tired, but now they’re my family. I can’t imagine life without them.”

“Okay, Daddy Dearest is a deadbeat. So, where’s their mom? Shouldn’t she be baking cookies with them?”

“How’d you know we baked cookies?” Paige frowned. “Are you suddenly psychic?”

“There’s flour on your jeans.”

She looked down to see a big flour stain on her thigh.

“I was in a hurry.”

“Dirty jeans are very unlike you.” There was judgment in Drew’s tone.

He looks like a psycho lumberjack and he’s giving me a hard time about dirty jeans. Brothers!

“So, where’s their mom?” Drew asked again.

“Their mother is a drug addict who lives with her dealer.”

Paige considered adding that their father was most likely a cheating bastard too, but without proof she figured it was better to leave that part out.

“Ben is their father. In their mother’s absence, he’s legally obligated to take care of them.”

Between the sleep deprivation and caffeine buzz, he’s really amped up.

“Ben just doesn’t care. He’s completely thoughtless about their health and well-being. Last summer he took the younger two girls swimming and didn’t think to put sunscreen on them. They came home with really bad sunburns. If he can’t even be bothered to make sure his kids are wearing sunscreen, will he feed them? Or make sure their homework is done? Will he even take them to school?” Paige rested her head in her hands. “If I leave, there’s no one to take care of them.” 

“Paige, you can’t save everyone—no matter how much you want to.”

She looked at Drew. He was living proof that she was failing miserably at saving anyone.

“I’m sorry I haven’t been there for you.”

“I’m the older brother. I was supposed to be there for you, and if I hadn’t been so hell bent on destroying my liver, I would have insisted that you dump Ben because you don’t belong with him.”

“Yeah, well, we should get going. You’re supposed to be there in five—”

“Don’t change the subject. You belong with Kade. I know it, and deep down, you know it. It’s time for you to stop your self-imposed penance and go back to him.” Drew’s voice was earnest. “What happened was not your fault.”

“We really should get going.” Paige looked away, her eyes filled with tears. She was careful not to let them fall. She pulled a tissue from her pocket and dabbed at her eyes.

Our parents’ death was absolutely my fault.

“No, you get going. I’m going to walk from here.”

“Why?” She scanned her brother’s face for some sign he was offended.

“Because I need a walk in the manure-scented air to clear my head.” Drew smiled. “I want to savor the last of my freedom for awhile. From here on out, I’ll be answering to someone else.” He opened the car door and gave her a reassuring smile.

“You’ll call if you need anything, right?” Paige asked. “I hate to let you go when I just got you back.”

“I’m not going anywhere, sis. See you on family day?”

“For sure.”

Paige watched her brother walk away. He flung his jacket over one shoulder and awkwardly wheeled his carry-on along the gravel road. From the back, he looked like the same guy who had wept at their parents’ graves.

But he’s not that same guy. He’s hardened, jaded even, and I still feel like it’s my fault. Would he have understood if I said that I stayed with Ben because I don’t deserve to be happy? If I hadn’t gotten pregnant it would have been just another day; they would still be here.

***

Her parents’ memorial service took place a week after they died. With Drew trying to get home from his East Coast college and no immediate family in the area that left the planning to Paige, who was stuck in the hospital for several days after their deaths. For the first two days, she was medicated around the clock. The mental picture of her parents’ horrific death played over and over again in her head. Tormented, she woke up every hour screaming at the top of her lungs.

By the third day, the threat of further sedation was enough encouragement for her to remain calm. Kade was with her, always by her side. His mom brought him fresh clothes; the only time he left was to go to the bathroom. Those were foggy times in her memory, filled with torment and anguish. She didn’t know it was possible to cry that much.

Their priest, Father John, had suggested a graveside service. The normally gregarious priest was visibly nervous as they discussed the arrangements. He was careful not to mention the circumstances surrounding her parents’ death; and he did not offer words of comfort as to what they might look forward to in the afterlife. Paige forced herself not to ponder the fate of her parents’ souls. She just nodded and agreed to the funeral and burial arrangements that were laid out. She was an easy sell, but Drew, was another story. He and Father John had argued for an hour on the phone. Drew wanted their father cremated without a funeral and his mother buried in the local cemetery. He had always hated their father and blamed him for everything. Hearing of Paige’s distress at the situation, he relented and agreed to a joint funeral and adjacent burial plots.

They kept the service small, only family and a few cherished friends. There was no police escort or funeral procession for their father. Paige couldn’t stand the idea of glorifying the man who had beaten and abused her mother for almost twenty years. Their mother had killed their father, but she was driven to an act of violence that went against her passive and sweet nature. So the service was quiet, simple and over in minutes.

After everyone but Kade was gone, Paige stood in front of their graves. She wore the black suit her mother had bought her the year before; she pinned her hair into a bun just like her mother used too. She clutched a bouquet of red roses that someone had handed her. Paige watched, her face devoid of emotion, as the gravediggers heaped one shovel of dirt after another onto their coffins. Kade called out to her, it was time to leave for the wake, but she didn’t hear a word. It took several tries before he was able to break through.

“Paige?” His eyes were rimmed with red; he hadn’t slept in days.

“Mom hated red roses. She said they were a cliché.”

“Right. She loved the yellow ones,” Kade said. He stared at the ground and nudged a clump of grass with his foot.

“I won’t be around to make sure she gets the right kind of flower. She deserves the right kind of flower.” Paige looked at the roses in her hands and began to tear them apart. “I don’t know what’s wrong with these people.”

“They didn’t know,” Kade’s voice was calm. He reached for her hands, but she turned away from him. “As long as I live in this city, I promise to make sure your mom’s grave gets the right kind of flowers.”

“Thank you.” Paige looked around; everyone else was gathered near their cars or driving away. “We should go.” Her voice was soft. She felt the tears beginning to come again and fumbled around for the handkerchief that someone had given her during the eulogies.

“We don’t have to go to the wake. We could just leave. We could drive off into the sunset and start over somewhere else.” His eyes were hopeful, and that made Paige angry.

“No, we can’t. My grandmother is insisting I either go to Ireland with my aunt or home with her. Only I’m not sure where exactly she lives because I don’t even know her.” Her voice cracked.

She wanted to hold her emotions together, to be strong and stoic like Drew, but she just couldn’t. Anger, fear, and sadness washed over her.

“They’re sending you away? They can’t send you away.” Kade sounded shocked; he looked as if he might break down.

“I’m sixteen. They can do whatever they want.” Paige drew a deep breath. “Besides, this situation is all my fault. My parents were fighting because their daughter got pregnant. We were stupid…I was stupid. We shouldn’t have gotten so serious!”

Paige dropped the battered flowers, grabbed at her hair, and tore out her bun. Kade tried to hold her, but she pushed him away.

“No, don’t do that. We can’t be together anymore! Don’t you see what I’ve done?”

The color drained from his face; she’d knocked the wind out of him.

“You don’t mean that, Paige. You’re upset—”

“My parents are dead! Dead! And it’s because of us.” Sobbing into her hands, Paige dropped to her knees.

Kade bent down to console her, but she pushed his hands away. She clutched at her side and moaned.

“Are you okay?” he asked.

“I’m fine!”

Her response was swift and hollow. Her mascara ran in droves down her cheeks, her hair hung in tatters, around her face and her pants were muddy from the fresh rain. But none of that mattered. She was angry and tired. Defeated. Her whole life felt like a lie. Her parents were supposed to care for and protect her. Instead, they’d abandoned her before she even finished high school. But she couldn’t hate them. She felt too guilty to do that.

Kade took a step back from her. He always knew exactly what she was feeling and in that moment when their eyes met, she knew he sensed her guilt. She also knew he was going to let her go. He understood her need to sacrifice her own happiness for the sake of justice. Still, she said the words anyway.