After It's Over (2 page)

It had to have been before we got married.

“Well, she didn’t exactly buy them for me as much as she sent me money and said to use it for that.”

“Why would she do that?”

And how high was she?

“Because in our family, we believe in exploring our sexuality and embracing our feelings. But you ruined all of that! Now, Madison will beat me to…” Bianca bit her lip and looked at her feet.

“What? She’s going to beat you to what exactly?” Paige stood in the hall as her young stepdaughter marched over to the open bedroom door.

“Forget it! You ruined everything! I hate you!” Bianca slammed the door in her face.

“You can hate me all you want, but I just saved you from being on an episode of
Sixteen and Pregnant
! It’s all fun and games until you’re the only girl in the ninth grade who’s breastfeeding!” Paige yelled through the closed door.

Ow. My head. What do I do now? They didn’t cover any of this in those worthless step-parenting classes. If only Ben were here. Maybe he could actually do some parenting.

Frustrated and alone, she threw her hands up and walked away. There was still the broken plate to clean up.

What am I going to do about that child? She’s too young to be getting involved in that sort of behavior. What is her mother thinking?

Paige was so preoccupied by the events of the evening that she stepped on a shard of broken plate when she returned to the kitchen. It cut into her big toe; she yelped in pain.

I hate these plates.

That thought was her mantra as Paige cleaned her toe. Angry and frustrated, she scrubbed the kitchen floor clean. After that chore was done, she finished washing the rest of the ugly antique dishes and stacked them in a neat pile on the counter. Paige examined one, wondering how anyone could think mixing turquoise and red together was actually a good idea. The desire to drop the plate and run overwhelmed her mind; it sparked an idea and an
urge too strong to ignore. She raised the plate and threw it with the full force of her rage and resentment. The crash was oddly satisfying, a voice for the frustration she was constantly drowning in. Her husband walked through the front door and into the kitchen, just as Paige picked up another.

“What the hell are you doing?” he asked.

Ben had a look on his face that said he couldn’t believe his eyes. Paige ignored the look; she was more interested in the fact that the top of his Air Force uniform was unbuttoned, his shirtsleeves were rolled up and he smelled of Whiskey.

Wherever he’s been, it wasn’t at work.

“I’m smashing plates,” she replied. “Where’ve you been and what have
you
been up to?”

“Out.” Ben straightened his tie. “Are those the plates my grandmother gave us?”

“Yep.”

“Have you lost your mind?”

Right, cause I’m the crazy one in this marriage.

“Possibly. Where were you, Ben?” Paige felt her patience wearing thinner by the minute.

“I was out. I had dinner with a friend.” Ben didn’t look her in the eyes; he shoved his hands in his pockets and stared at her chin.

No innocent man avoids eye contact. His friend was probably a busty blonde with an IQ on par with her shoe size. 

“What friend did you go to dinner with?”

Paige raised the plate as if she were about to throw it. His face registered the threat.

“I told you
just
a friend. It didn’t mean anything.” Ben’s eyes were trained on the plate.

Right.

“Wrong answer.”

Paige hurled the plate onto the floor only inches away from where he stood. Ben jumped back; the plate shattered. She grabbed another and held it up. Even with only two left in the set, she knew he’d want to protect them. That was the funny thing about Ben; material possessions always warranted care and protection. Wives however, were another story.

Raising his hands, Ben answered, “Okay! I was with Beth!”

“Beth? As in your ex-girlfriend?” Paige felt her mouth drop open; she quickly closed it.

I think my head is going to explode. Or I may very well have a heart attack. We’ve been married for a year!

“We’re friends. She accepts me, and she’s going through a rough time in her marriage.”

“I don’t care about Beth! I care that you’re never around when I need you, and that I’m raising your three kids by myself. This is not what I signed up for!”

Paige set the dish on the counter and folded her arms across her chest. She rubbed her head and waited for what she hoped would be an apology.

“I can’t talk to you when you’re like this!” Ben turned around and headed toward the front door.

“Don’t walk away from me!” Paige followed him.

Ben didn’t answer. He yanked the front door open and slammed it shut behind him. Her mouth hanging open, Paige stared at the closed door. Tears sprang to her eyes. She’d hope that Ben would offer up an apology for not doing his job as a husband and father, or at least stay and fight with her.

Fighting would have shown that he cared a little.

Ben left Paige with a feeling of rejection, one that was all too familiar.

CHAPTER TWO

Paige took a step back and realized she’d lived this scene once before.

Two years ago, I was the one who slammed the door.

That moment had shifted her life off one track and onto another. Blindsided by a painful rejection, she’d reacted badly and made hasty decisions that she’d been paying for ever since.

Matt.

The very thought of his name made her angry all over again.

He practically ripped my heart out of my chest and stomped it into pieces. Ben reminds me so much of him. Why didn’t I see it sooner? Because I didn’t want to.

Tears fell as waves of frustration and anger washed over her. Memories bubbled to the surface. Powerless to stop them, Paige was yanked into the past.

***

Summer had just ended and fall was beginning to show in the colored leaves that lined Paige’s quiet street. The temperature had dipped, but not enough to warrant turning on the old furnace barely clinging to life in her basement. She opted instead for a fire in her antique fireplace and the cozy feeling of being curled up on the couch in her happy, little home.

Every Tuesday night for two years, she’d eaten Chinese takeout and watched a movie with Matt, her fiancé. That night he had texted at the last minute that something had come up and he’d be late if he made it at all. Matt hadn’t answered when she’d pressed for details as to why he’d canceled for the second week in a row.

Lately, he’s been bailing on most of our plans without much notice.

Paige ignored the tightness in her chest and the nagging feeling that her fiancé was no longer interested in being with her.

Okay, so he’s missed a few dates, and he’s slow to return my calls. But we’re getting married. It’s completely feasible that he’s just working really hard so he can take time off for the wedding and honeymoon. Isn’t it? I don’t know. He’ll be here soon and we can talk about all of it. Talking always makes it better.

The clock on the wall was slow to tick off the minutes.

This wait is killing me! I need to talk to him.
I need to hear that he still loves me.

Matt wouldn’t answer his phone, so Paige was left to wait, wonder and stew. Needing a distraction, she decided to do one last review of the seating chart for their wedding reception. She nibbled on takeout and poured over the final arrangements while reruns of
Everybody Loves Raymond
played on the television. Paige tried to focus, but it was hard to make sense of something as trivial as who sat next to whom when it felt like the wedding was about to implode. Still, she reviewed the guest list and contemplated whether to put her boozy aunt Aida at a table with Matt’s parents or in the back with several middle-aged men. In the end, she decided her aunt would find the men entertaining and might even drink less.

As the evening progressed, Paige found herself staring glassy-eyed at the clock on the wall.
Where is he?
As hard as she tried to ignore the pit in her stomach, she knew it wasn’t just the missed dates that had tied her gut into knots. Matt had been distant lately, even overly cordial and she couldn’t remember the last time he’d touched her.

It’s just cold feet. It’s normal to have doubts. I have a few of my own…

Paige called Matt’s cell phone again, but he didn’t answer. She sent him a terse text message asking him for an explanation. A few minutes later, he replied saying he was on his way over. She should have felt relieved or even happy at the thought that the man she loved was coming to see her, but she didn’t feel either of those things. Overcome with dread, Paige sensed the dark cloud of tension that had been hanging over them for weeks was about to burst. With a sigh of trepidation, she put the takeout away and changed the television station.
King of Queens
was on by then, and she wasn’t a fan. 

Ugh. I shouldn’t have eaten. My stomach is killing me.

Two sitcom re-runs, there was a knock on the door. Paige knew it was Matt by the short rapping sound. She was annoyed by the impatient knock and angry that she’d wasted her evening waiting around for him. She wanted to stomp over to the door, throw it open and demand to know why he was treating her so badly.

If this is what he’s like when we’re engaged, what’s he going to be like after we get married? If we get married…

Matt pounded on the door, but Paige ignored him. She wanted to be composed, not crazy and desperate, when she faced him. Several deep breaths helped quell the urge to yell at him, but then a horrifying thought struck her. The hair on the back of her neck stood up as she looked at the door.

He knocked rather than letting himself in with his key. He didn’t come over to talk. He came over to end things.

Paige wasn’t sure she could live without Matt. He wasn’t perfect, or Prince Charming for that matter, but her life revolved around him and without him—she’d be empty and alone
again
.

Matt loves me. He isn’t going anywhere
.
I’m just being paranoid.

He called her name through the door. Paige drew another deep breath and opened it. She shuddered as she let the cold air in. Matt's face was blank as he stood under the flickering porch light. Paige leaned in to kiss him, but he turned away. He took her hand and squeezed it; there was a look of cold detachment in his eyes.

“Matt?”

You’d think he was a door-to-door salesman and not my fiancé.

He cleared his throat and ran his fingers through his black hair. His voice was barely audible. “I can't do this.”

“You can't do what exactly?” Her chest tightened and her stomach churned.

He has to say it. If he’s going to destroy my life then he can at least say it out loud.

“This,” he said. Matt pointed to her and then to himself.

Beads of sweat formed on his upper lip and he anxiously rubbed his neck in one particular spot. Paige couldn’t be sure, but it looked like he had a bruise there.

Or maybe that’s a hickey? I did not give him a hickey.

The knot in her stomach became a lump in her throat.

“I don’t understand.” Paige heard the words coming out of his mouth, but she couldn’t comprehend them. She had loved almost every minute of their time together and had relished the idea of a future together.
Don’t cry. Don’t cry.
If there was one lesson she had learned from her dead mother, it was that she should never cry in front of a man, especially if he
made
her want to cry.

“What did I do wrong, Matt?” Paige’s lips trembled. She bit into her lower lip to keep from crying.

“Nothing. You’re great. Look, it's me.... not you. I'm just not ready....” He shifted from one foot to another.

He wants to get away from me.

“Not ready for what? Marriage? We could postpone the wedding.” Paige exhaled slowly to keep from sobbing.

What am I saying? I don’t want to postpone anything. I just want to be with Matt.

“No, I don’t want to do that,” his voice was sharp and swift like a surgical knife making its first incision.

Paige stared at him, words escaping her. A sob escaped despite her best efforts to hold it in.

Why didn’t I see the end was coming? How could this be happening just weeks from our wedding?

“What changed? Six weeks ago I was the love of your life.” She wiped away the tears that slid down her face.

“My feelings aren’t progressing like I expected.” Matt stared at his feet. His loafers were suddenly the most interesting things on the planet.

“Huh?” Paige sniffled. “What does that even mean?”

“It doesn’t matter.” He cleared his throat. “Look, you’ll find someone else. Someone who doesn’t want kids. There’s no need for us to drag this out.”

“Is that what this is about? The doctor said I
might
not be able to have kids. He wasn’t absolutely positive that I’d never be able to have them! Besides, you can’t even keep a houseplant alive. What makes you think you could be a father?”

Matt recoiled. “I…” He shoved his hands into his pockets and looked up at the sky. He let out a loud sigh.

He’s lying. He’s using the one thing that worries me the most against me, and it’s just a pathetic excuse to end things.

“You said you loved me. You said you wanted to marry me.”

Matt shrugged. Paige searched his face for a sign that this was causing him even an ounce of the gut-wrenching pain she felt. But there was no pain in his expression, just an anxious desire to finish his business and leave.
He glanced over his shoulder at his car. Paige followed his eyes and her mouth fell open. The car was parked under a streetlight, which made it easy to see the busty, blonde sitting in the passenger seat. The woman smiled and waved at him.

“Who is that?” Paige demanded. Her hand shook as she pointed to the car. Anger surged through her body.

I’m going to have to tell my family and friends that I just got dumped practically at the altar because my fiancé was cheating on me. This is the most humiliating moment of my life.

“Um, she’s a friend,” Matt replied.

Paige gritted her teeth.
It's not you, it's me
. Those words echoed through her mind.

“You’re dumping me for her, aren’t you?”

“No, we’re just friends.” His words were hallow, the hickey on Matt’s neck confirmed her suspicions.

Without a second thought, her hand flew up from her side, and Paige slapped him squarely across the face. Matt stepped back, stunned.

“I loved you when I didn’t want to love anyone. You chased me and convinced me to let you in. Then you said if I would just do this or that, I’d be the perfect girl—the girl you’d always wanted. I spent hours at the gym to lose weight I didn’t have to lose. Do you have any idea how hard I worked for you?”

All those hours at the gym. Where was Matt while I was working my butt off? Probably with her!

“I’m sorry.”

“Sorry? I bailed you out of debt and helped you get your business to where it is now. I have been there for you every minute of every hour for the last two years.”

“I know. You were a great girlfriend.”

Were. You were a great girlfriend.

“Well, I’m also a lawyer and you, pal, are going to have to pay me back
now
.” Paige folded her arms across her chest; she stared into Matt’s eyes and dared him to walk away from her.

He reached into his pocket and pulled out a folded piece of paper.

“I wrote you a check. I had to borrow some of it from my dad, but it’s all there. Every dime you lent me. I’ll also cover all the wedding deposits that you can’t get refunded.”

Paige took the check, her knees felt weak. She stared at the numbers above Matt’s signature.

He’s really doing this. He’s really leaving me.

“You said that if I ever broke up with you – you’d never take me back. Walk away from me now, Matt, and we’re done for good.” Paige folded her arms and held her ground.

Matt looked at his feet for a long moment before finally making eye contact. The look in his eyes said it all. Paige yanked her engagement ring off.

“I really am sorry,” he said.

“No, you’re really not. Here!” She held out the ring.

Matt looked at it, raised his hand tentatively to grab it, but held back as if he were afraid of being bitten by a snake.

“Go ahead. I wanted a round cut, not a Marquis. I never even liked this ring.”

Who am I kidding? I loved that ring.

Matt snatched it from the palm of her hand. Just as he opened his mouth to speak again, she slammed the door in his face. Paige flipped the lights off, bolted the door and waited for the sound of his feet descending the front steps before she sank to the floor. She sobbed uncontrollably.

With Matt, Paige had been content. He was easy to talk to, though they never had deep conversations. He was slow to laugh at her jokes, but always there when she needed help with the house. She’d loved his mom and looked forward to joining his family. She had wanted so badly to be part of a real family again, and now that was all gone. Once again, Paige was alone in the world. On her knees, she sobbed until her eyes were swollen and no more tears would come.

Why am I crying over him? I didn’t love him nearly as much as my high school sweetheart, Kade. I should be with him and not crying over a guy who spends more on hair products than he does on groceries. I wish my mom was here.

Her mother had always known how to make her feel better even in the worst of times. She used to say “I made you, so I can fix you.” Then she’d smile, hold Paige close and say that everything would be ok. When Paige was a child, those moments seemed so insignificant, but now, alone in the dark, they meant the world to her.

If only I could have her back for a few more minutes.

***

If Matt hadn’t cheated on me, would I have been so willing to marry someone like Ben? Hmm…I don’t think so.