A Sister’s Gift (22 page)

‘We could put in for adoption. We could try for another surrogate – one who lives in this country. BabyInIndia isn’t the only place where surrogates can be found.’

I shake my head.

‘You won’t,’ he says. ‘Because it’s got to be
her
, hasn’t it? You’ve got it into your head that it’s got to be your sister. And if it fails?’ he says after a while. Have you ever stopped to consider that you will have risked your relationship with your sister –
with me –
all for nothing. Are you prepared to do that?’

‘You say that we’re strong together,’ I challenge him now. ‘And I think so too. But it’s easy to believe that if there’s never anything testing you, isn’t it? If we really are as strong as you say then surely we have nothing to fear?’

He closes his eyes then. He lowers his head. ‘Why?’ he asks again. ‘Just tell me why it’s so important.’

‘Because I don’t feel complete without a child!’ How can I
make him understand? ‘Becoming a mum has always been part of my vision of…who I am. Without that, how can I be who I was meant to be? How can I give you the family I know you want too? I know you always tell me you’re content but I saw your reaction when Jay and Sarah announced they were expecting at Christmas. You want a child too. I want…I want it for
us
, as well as just for me. And because – after all these years I’ve spent trying – if I give up at the last hurdle I will never forgive myself. I have to know I did everything I could, that’s all. And I still think Scarlett is our best option.’

‘Because…?’

‘Because she is my sister and we share the same genes. And because she has no maternal instinct whatsoever and she will never in a month of Sundays want to keep the baby for herself. And if you sleep with her at the right time – when all the conditions are right – then we don’t run the risks of all the things that could go wrong along the way, just like when we tried IVF and because…’

Rich looks up at me now, looking heartsore and weary. ‘And?’

‘And because she owes me,’ I finish, surprising even myself with that one. ‘No, I don’t mean that. I don’t know why I even said it.’

I rub at my eyes, because it’s as if the world’s all gone dim for a moment and I feel so cold, so very cold. The wide river is rushing noisily past the banks this morning, wild and dark and headstrong, set on its course and there’s nobody, nowhere, who’s ever going to stop it. And if you can’t swim, if you’re a person who can’t swim like me, you’ll go down with it – I feel a dull slow ache in my chest at the thought – and the water will rise in you and all life will be squeezed out.

‘She owes you.’ Richard’s warm voice reaches my ears and I look up, startled. ‘Does she owe you a baby, my love?’ He takes hold of my fingertips gently now.

No, of course she doesn’t. I shake my head.

He shudders, then. He sticks his hands inside his pockets and makes a move with his head to suggest we should start heading back.

‘So, you’re prepared to risk everything. Would it be fair to say, Hollie, that you want this baby even more than you want me?’

‘Damn it, Rich!’
Don’t say that
. ‘I need this baby.’ I need it because…it will be like planting sunshine in the coldest, saddest place in my heart; because when I have my baby, that place will have life breathed into it again. And I have waited so patiently and for so long. And it has to be Scarlett. I know it has to be her because that is the only way to make things right again. Richard doesn’t understand that. I look at him tearfully, but when he meets my gaze he is distant, perturbed, preoccupied.

‘If this is what you truly want, and if she agrees, I will do it for you, Hollie. But make no mistake, it
will
affect us. There is no way that it won’t come between us, or between you and her. It will.’ The words are thrown over his hunched shoulders as we walk back together now. When he says them, I feel triumphant because I know I have achieved the impossible in getting him to agree.

But that feeling does not last very long.

We’ve been out just over half an hour. That’s all it has taken for us to come to a decision that may change the rest of our lives.

It has already changed something. Walking down a moment ago he’d held carefully onto my arm, kept nudging me out of the way of the puddles I seemed to want to fall straight into. Now he’s walking so fast I have to struggle to keep up with him. Something deep inside of him has shifted away from the centre of that place that is
us
. I can feel it.

It will pass, I tell myself. He’s upset because he’s going to have to perform an act that goes against his nature. When we have our child, he’ll understand why I asked him. Things will go back to normal. Once she’s pregnant, well – we’ll be moving on into
the spring, the weather will be kinder, the days brighter. Things will start looking better again.

But for now, the puddles of slushy water that we passed on our way up have already turned to ice.

I’ve got to get my packing done. I want to sort out my stuff -if there’s nothing left of the original PlanetLove camp I’ll need to take over more than just the one little backpack I brought home with me. I need to concentrate. Why can’t I find anything this morning?

I sit down on the edge of the bed, rubbing my eyes and trying to wake myself up properly. Right. I look at the list I’ve just begun to make myself on the bedside table; cheapest flights out are in a few days’ time which gives me the opportunity to stock up on T-shirts and the like. Man, I wish I hadn’t had so much to drink at Lucy’s place last night. I wish I hadn’t stayed up as late as I did – I’ve barely had two hours’ kip. And I wish I didn’t feel as sick as a dog with this hangover so I could get on and do what I need to. The worst part of that – telling Hollie that the dream is over – is already done. That wasn’t too much fun. She took it just like I expected she would.

‘Are you sure you waited long enough?’ she asked.

‘I waited as long as they say you should.’

‘What tests were Lucy and the other girl using?’ my sister quizzed then. ‘If they were the cheaper versions off the internet you mightn’t have had enough pregnancy hormones in there for it to show up yet. Some tests pick up ten microunits of hormone and some won’t pick up anything till you’ve got at least twenty-five miu in there…’

‘The tests worked well enough for the other two girls,’ I’d pointed out. ‘And I can’t imagine Lucy picking up any cheapo internet test kits. I can’t remember what make they were.’

‘I want you to do it again for me,’ Hollie had begged. Five o’clock this morning it was, still dark, and she wanted me to pee on a stick. ‘Your hormones will be more concentrated in the morning,’ she’d insisted. ‘Even at this low level, the kit I want you to use should pick it up.’

And I’d felt so goddamn awful, what was wrong with her? Couldn’t she tell that I wasn’t even seeing straight this morning? So I’d gone into the bathroom and opened up one of her test kits and run some tap water over it, just to please her. ‘Not pregnant’ it announced to both of us ten minutes later. And she’d sat down on one of the dining room chairs and just looked at it in silence for a very long time.

Then she took Ruffles out in the freezing cold and she’s been out for ages. Too long really, but I haven’t got any more time to worry about her; I have to get away.

She’ll be fine, anyway. I just heard Rich go out after her. I popped my head round the door and one moment he was standing in the hallway in nothing but his PJ bottoms and the next he was gone. I barely had time to come out and speak to him and I would have liked to. I know how much he wanted that baby too.

But anyway. That’s over. And I’m glad it’s over. I’ve been feeling such relief since yesterday when I found out. I don’t know how I would have gotten through it, if I’m honest. Listening to Lucy and Roma and all of them banging on about pregnancy last night, well, it put me off the whole idea even more.

I spoke to Barry earlier and he filled me in on the changes that are happening over there. I’ve got it all scribbled down on my writing pad. European…what were they called? I crane my head to see what it was I wrote earlier: ‘European Alliance Group have temporarily taken over our patch of the forest and are
defending it against all-comers.’ I smile, imagining a band of well-fortified and well-meaning Belgians and Germans wearing headbands and khaki trousers and wielding sticks. I’m not sure how long they’ll be able to help us out for but they mean well.

I grimace as a sharp pain jabs my temple. My head feels like someone’s tried to stave it in with a hammer. I need to rehydrate, I need some water. I need some coffee. Maybe some Alka-Seltzer? I drag myself into the bathroom.

At least Barry sounded as if he was pleased that I’m coming back. Two of their part-timers have left and they’re really short on the ground right now. He admitted they are barely keeping track of the Yanomami. And some of the tribe – including José’s dad, Tunga – look like they’re about ready to leave the forest, which would be a complete disaster. It happened once before with the tribe Eve and Barry were working with before I came along. Once the men start to leave, the tribe gets dissipated and disbanded and their knowledge gets lost forever.

Hollie’s bathroom cabinet is so jam-packed full of stuff for all eventualities that I just know she’s got to have some Alka-Seltzer in here. It’ll be all in some kind of order no doubt but I don’t know her system. All I can see in here is a load of pregnancy testing kits! I reach my hand in to see what might be lurking at the back and no less than three test kits fall into the sink.

Man, that was weird what happened at Lucy’s house yesterday. Me picking up her pregnancy wand by mistake – that nearly gave me a heart attack. Thank God it wasn’t mine. I know mine didn’t have any line or any message on it. I was pretty sozzled, but I know what result I got, and it wasn’t a positive one. I didn’t want any of them jumping to the wrong conclusion.

I don’t know if I want that Alka-Seltzer after all. Maybe I should just have some coffee? Or maybe I should go back to bed right now, I’m sick as a dog and my stomach’s still in a whole load of pain. I perch on the edge of the closed loo seat and just
sit there, holding onto my stomach. I don’t normally get sicky crampy pains like this. That’ll teach me to try and get pregnant. Never again. And thank God it didn’t happen. What the hell was I thinking of, anyway?

If I’d been in my right mind I would never have offered to do it. But that’s what being here around Hollie and Rich does to me. It takes me away from who I am and who I want to be; I get caught up in stuff that’s…well, it’s not mine.

The front door goes and I lock the bathroom door. I don’t want to talk to either of them right now. It sounds as if only one of them has come back in – only one set of footsteps. Maybe he never caught up with her after all?

I close my eyes, wishing that I felt better. I wish I could fast-forward the next few hours to the point where my head was back to normal again. After a while I lift my fingers away from my face and stare at Hollie’s three test kits that are still sitting in the sink, the cardboard getting all damp. I should fish them out. Do these things even work? How reliable are they anyway?

I can’t honestly remember what I did yesterday. I should do it again, like Hollie asked, I suppose. Just for thoroughness. I pull out the leaflet with shaking fingers and skim through the instructions. That’s all exactly what I did yesterday. Right. That’s simple enough. Pregnancy hormones human chorionic gonadotropin…blah blah…only present during pregnancy, so if it’s picked up you get the word ‘pregnant’ and if not you get the words ‘not pregnant’. Pee on the stick, put the wand in during mid-flow, etc. etc. – all what I did yesterday. Easy as pie.

So I do it again. I wait for mid-stream flow and then I pee liberally all over the bit where you’re supposed to and put it down in the sink. I have to wait ten minutes. Thought I might as well check it just to be doubly
doubly
sure.

I want to go home, back to Brazil.

My phone beeps and I fish it out of my pocket. It’s Guillermo again. He’s sent me a big love heart text and a picture of a bunch
of flowers.
I cannot wait…
he’s written underneath. Neither can I. I’m dying to go home.

The front door goes again and someone else comes in. I should get out of here, really. Somebody might need to use the bathroom. I haul myself up and remember to pick up the wand and its packaging with me. I’ll dispose of all of that in my room. No point in getting Hollie’s heart racing again, is there?

Back in my room with a large glass of water and a cup of steaming coffee, I’m aware that the cottage is extraordinarily quiet this morning. No loving endearments being called out from Rich to Hol and vice versa, none of the cheerful banter that usually goes on between them. I shrug, picking up my mobile which is beeping again. They could have argued or they might just be so disappointed they don’t want to talk. I glance at the little screen at the front of my phone but I don’t recognise the number calling.

‘Scarlett Hudson?’ The curt, clipped tones of the woman at the other end takes me by surprise.

‘Speaking.’ From my bed, sick as a dog, so if this is some kind of ‘courtesy call’ you’d better hang up…

‘This is Gillian Defoe from the European Alliance Group. You might have heard we’ve just taken over the day-to-day running of PlanetLove activities in Yellow Zone from Chiquitin-Almeira?’

‘Oh. Hello.’

‘I understand you’re on leave in the UK at the moment but you’re expecting to return to work shortly, is that right?’

‘I…yes, it is.’ I thought the European what-not were just holding the fort in our patch – I imagined in some sort of voluntary capacity. What does she means they’ve taken over from Chiquitin-Almeira? I sit up a bit straighter, take a sip of my water. I need to pay attention. It’s all happening this morning. ‘I’ve been checking up on the flights back to Brazil this morning,’ I add when she seems to go quiet for a bit.

‘That’s fine. We’re hoping that as many of the original staff
as possible will stay on. You know the ropes and you’ve got the contacts, so that’s useful to us. I’m just reading up on your file here. I see you were sent a letter from PlanetLove just before Christmas in which they ask you to contact them. Is that right?’