A Sister’s Gift (20 page)

‘Oh, shame,’ she says.

‘We often go dancing at the weekends in Manaus,’ I shout at Toni over the top of the band.

‘You got a boyfriend out there?’ Toni yells back. I do a ‘so-so’ motion with my hands. I could have if I wanted to. Last time I went dancing it was with Gui. He took me to an exclusive nightspot in Manaus where we danced till the early hours. It was a restaurant with live music, I remember now. They kept the place open long after closing time, with the entire band and all, just for us. I have no idea how much he tipped them to do that. That was October, now it’s February. Christ. I got another text from him yesterday – thank goodness – and I texted him back this morning as soon as all my papers came through:
Looking forward to seeing you too. Be in touch as soon as I get to Manaus, all my love, Scarlett
.

I will not sleep until that time
, he’d texted back. He’s keen, there’s no question about that.

‘You used to go out with that weird guy – what was his
name – Duncan?’ Roma is back, filling up her glass from the sideboard and yelling out her question just as Lucy decides she’s had enough of the overloud music and turns it down several notches. Everyone laughs, looks in my direction again curiously.

‘Tell us about Duncan, then,’ Toni nudges me. ‘What was so weird about him? Why did you dump him?’

‘It was a long time ago,’ I tell them all breezily. I hardly remember now why I went out with him in the first place. ‘We were doing the same ethno-botanical course at uni. He knew a lot of stuff.’

‘So why’d you two break up?’ Toni’s sister Kerris has arrived and hands me another drink as I’ve somehow finished mine. ‘I love hearing break-up stories. Other people’s break-ups are always so interesting and just – entertaining, don’t you think?’ She looks at me earnestly.

Well, why did I break it off with him? My head is starting to swim a little. I’m sure there was a good reason why I dumped Duncan. I know there was. A very good reason. Ah, yes.

‘He promised he’d do me a favour and I promised him I’d marry him if he did.’

There’s a short, shocked silence at that.

‘You didn’t think that might be taking it a bit far?’ Kerris looks at me, then around at the others in bemusement.

‘It was a
big
favour. I never thought he would do it, that’s all.’

‘And did he?’ Toni asks for them all.

‘Yep.’

‘And instead of marrying him like you promised, you
dumped
him?’ Kerris giggles.

‘That’s about the long and the short of it.’

‘But you haven’t told us the most interesting bit,’ Roma puts in. ‘What was the favour he did for you?’

I tap my nose and the girls all burst into laughter around her. Except Lucy. Someone puts the music on again and she pulls me over to one side where the others can’t hear her.

‘Duncan’s been asking round after you, did you know?’ She’s frowning, a worried look on her face. She never did like him much. She didn’t like Aaron, my first boyfriend either. I wish I’d listened to her on both accounts.

‘So? I’m not contacting him.’

‘No. Don’t. He’s got even weirder since you knew him. He’s into all sorts of shit now. I saw him the other day when we were out and he told me he intended to either get you back or get his own back on you for dumping him, so watch out.’

‘What can he do?’ I shrug, laughing it off.

‘I don’t know, Scarlett. He was making out he had something on you, though. He said he sent a message in a balloon to you.’ She looks worried.

‘Looney!’

She shrugs, carefully scrutinising my face.

‘I didn’t do anything!’ I tell her.

‘I’m just saying – watch your back with him.’

‘Sure. Will do. Now, when are you going to go and pee on that stick?’

‘Ah, that.’ She blushes. ‘Actually, girls…’She turns and motions for the music to be lowered. ‘I’ve got some news for everyone.’ I’m suddenly aware from her flushed face and sparkling eyes, there’s no question dear old Luce has just had a positive result.

‘Oh my Gawd!’ I dive towards her for a hug. ‘I’m going to be a godmother. Awesome.’ Amid shrieks and exclamations of congratulations and felicitations, Roma gets up and self-consciously announces she too is going to use Lucy’s bathroom. I can’t help but feel a little sorry for her as she goes out with Lucy, who’s explaining to her how to use the test kit.

‘Okay – your test kit is a bit different to the one I just used. Mine just had a line to indicate pregnancy. With yours we’re looking for a single word in the little window of the stick,’ she’s saying. ‘Pregnant. If you get two words – “not pregnant,” tough luck!’

As if it isn’t perfectly obvious! If the poor sod isn’t pregnant there’s going to be a very public display of commiserations in here in a minute. She might end up raining on Lucy’s parade, too, I think. Let’s hope she gets what she wants.

Ten minutes later, she’s out of the bathroom and all eyes are on hers expectantly as she walks over, head held high and hardly able to contain her excitement.

‘I did it,’ she utters and an almighty roar of approval echoes through the room. There’s such camaraderie between Lucy and Roma just now, I could almost wish I was one of them. Damn shame, the thought runs through me, that it’s this easy for some people and yet my poor sis just can’t manage it.

‘Your turn.’ Luce turns to me with another little box in her hand.

‘Oh, come on!’ I laugh her off. ‘No point wasting your test kit is there? Save it for the next one. I already told you I’ve had cramps all day. I know the signs, Luce…’

‘Try it anyway,’ she presses. ‘Just humour me, come on. If you’re going to book your flights tomorrow you might as well be certain.’

Everybody’s looking at me now, so I take the packet from her with a grin. ‘Whatever you say, honey.’

I down the remains of my vodka and orange – somehow it’s my third – and go to her bathroom with the kit, waving Lucy away as she tries to follow me in. I know how to read simple instructions. My eyes are just squinting a bit at the moment because I’m not used to drinking. I take the wand out of its packaging and pee on the end of it. That’s what the others just did. Then I wait for a bit. After what feels like ages, I look at the results blearily.

That’ll show Lucy. I
told
her I wasn’t pregnant. I feel a pang of sudden sadness at the harsh black and white reality of the fact. I am not pregnant. I will not be able to give my sister the baby she so desperately wants. I will not be able to ask her to sell her house
for me. I won’t be taking back any funds to help my friends. I blow my nose on some tissue paper.

It must be the drink that’s making me maudlin, because I have no other reason in the world to feel sad. I’m going back to the rainforest and that’s all that matters.

I’m going to go back and maybe start paying more attention to Guillermo, because clearly he still wants me. I’ve been doing some serious thinking while I’ve been stuck here over the past few weeks and one thing I
have
realised is how much I want him too. Damn it, now the wand has fallen on the floor. Just the act of leaning down to pick it up is making my head pound. I’m going to have to take it out to them though, they’ll be waiting.

‘Here she comes! Tell us, is it a hat-trick?’ Kerris raises her glass in joyful expectation.

‘Afraid not,’ I wave the little tell-tale wand at them with a wry grin. ‘I did tell you girls…’

‘Oh, bugger.’ Lucy snatches the wand off me, clearly disappointed. ‘There was just something about you that reminded me of my sister when she was first expecting and I thought you might be…oh, lordy!’ She looks at me suddenly, her eyes widening in shock. ‘According to this, you
are
pregnant.’

I give out a little laugh. ‘No, I’m not.’

The girls all crowd round to look at the wand, and they all concur with her. I can feel my face growing hotter by the minute.

‘But I am not!’ I look at her helplessly. ‘I just did the test and I know that I am not.’

‘Did you read the instructions on the leaflet?’ Luce asks.

I didn’t. But it’s as simple as hell to use. The others just described what they did, didn’t they? I am not pregnant.

‘I think I know what I just did,’ I tell the happy group. ‘I just picked up the stick you left on the bathroom sink, Luce.’

‘You did?’ Her excitement disappears in a flash.

‘Yes. They were lying by the sink and I knocked one over – it must have been yours. Mine didn’t have that line on it, I swear
it didn’t. I’ve had too much to drink, obviously. In fact, my cramps are really bad right now, Luce. I’m really sorry, I’m going to have to be a party pooper and go home.’

‘You’re looking as white as a sheet,’ she observes. ‘I’ll get Dave to drive you round to your sister’s.’

‘I’d really appreciate that.’ I’m confused, I’m feeling really unwell all of a sudden. My stomach is killing me and my head is feeling giddy as hell.

I am not pregnant. I know my stick didn’t have that line through it like hers did. I’m sure of that. It’s just that something doesn’t feel right. In fact, something feels very wrong.

And that feeling of foreboding that I was feeling earlier when I thought I
was
up the duff has returned.

It is icy this morning. When the roadsweeper brushes past the curb, turning into the cul-de-sac it normally bypasses on its route down the road, the old crisp and chocolate packets wedged under the soggy leaves that it disturbs are ones that have been there for months. The dog-rose bush in the corner, devoid of its leaves, looks bare and cold. Only the shiny metallic red of the deflated balloon still hanging from its twigs is left to catch the morning sun; the little envelope it once carried so proudly and so high up into the sky is still attached.

‘What’s this?’ The student wheeling his bike on his way to college pauses to pick up the envelope, pulls at the balloon and the whole thing comes free.

‘“Scarlett L. Hudson”,’ he reads in wonder. The name rings a faint bell. Someone who was at school with his sister, perhaps? He can’t be sure. And who might be sending this girl Scarlett a card like this; a message on a balloon?

Should he find out who, or what the message is about? He hesitates, torn between curiosity and propriety. Curiosity wins and he fumbles with the glued-down envelope, his fingers encumbered by thick gloves, it’s cold out this morning.

If it’s important she’ll be glad to have it. Maybe he can find out where she lives and deliver it sometime soon? He’s a romantic at heart, it’s true. It could be his good deed for the day. Though
in which case, he reconsiders, perhaps it would be best to leave the thing unopened.

The student shoves it – string, balloon and all – into the zip pocket of his laptop, attached securely to his bike.

‘Scarlett L. Hudson,’ he mutters, as he pushes off on his bike once more, ‘your message will shortly be on its way to you again, never fear…’

The frozen mid-February wind whips into my face as I pull Ruffles to heel. It’s not yet 5.20 a.m. We’ve just walked up along The Vines, past the cathedral and into the top end of the high street where the icy air that sweeps in off the Medway is laced this morning with the salty tang of the sea. I should just keep on walking, that’s what I should do. I don’t want to go home to where Rich is still sleeping because as soon as he’s awake I’m going to have to tell him what Scarlett told me as soon as I got up. That it’s over. She’s not pregnant and my sister has wasted two months of her time hanging around here for nothing. And I’ve wasted two more months of mine in futile, hopeless longing and wishing for something that is never going to happen, wanting something that will never be mine.

When I left the house with Ruffles, Scarlett was sitting on the bed, already packing. She’s been on the internet since the crack of dawn this morning, looking for the best deal out of here. She’s texted her people at PlanetLove already and told them that she’s coming home.

How could it end like this? Why give me so many signs that things are going so well only to dash my hopes again like this? That’s just cruel.

I’m even overcoming my fear of the water. Yesterday I went – all by myself – and stood in the shallow end of the toddlers’ pool, the water right up to my ankles, and I stayed there a whole
fifteen minutes without any trouble at all. All the time I had Scarlett’s words ringing in my head, egging me on:
You can’t faff around taking forever over things in your life…
. I kept thinking, Scarlett’s right. She doesn’t ‘faff around’, does she? She takes what she wants from life, jumps in with both feet; she takes risks.

So I did it. I went in yesterday and I faced my fear and for the first time in my life I began to see the possibility that, yes, I might actually do this. I could learn to swim.

I didn’t go in any further than just dipping my feet in. I didn’t want to push it. But it felt as if…oh, I don’t know…some invisible barrier had been broken through. As if I had crossed some line where things that had previously been beyond my reach were suddenly very reachable. And the baby was one of those things.

I want to run along this pavement as fast as I can, as far as I can away from here because the discomfort inside of me is eating me up; but I know that no matter how far away I go, there is nowhere I can go to get away from myself. It cannot end like this. It can’t. It mustn’t. Should I ask her to try again? There is no hope in that, I know, because she’s clearly dying to get away. Her heart is already back in the Amazon, that much was obvious the way she looked at me when she told me the news this morning. There is nothing I can do, nothing I can offer that would entice her to stay.

‘Hey! Wait up, Hol!’

I turn, aware that I’m being called and of Ruffles’ laboured panting beside me, and we slow down our pace a fraction. When I sneak a look at the man who’s just caught up with me, his nose and cheeks red with the biting wind, but his kind and lovely eyes bright with anticipation, I almost cannot bear it. I know what Rich is thinking. It’s obvious, isn’t it?

‘Scarlett isn’t pregnant, Rich. The second attempt didn’t work.’