A Sister’s Gift (9 page)

Maybe there’s a way we could all win?

I don’t want to be like this. I don’t want to
feel
like this, but I can’t help it. I’ve been trying for a baby for so long and
she
only came off the pill two months ago…

I glance at Sarah’s svelte figure in her dark coat walking up in front beside Jay and the others and a shudder of envy cuts right through me. I hang back, not wanting to join them, they’ll see how I’m feeling…

‘Hey, you there.’ The young man in a hoodie looms out at me suddenly from the cathedral arch, startling me.

‘I…haven’t got any change,’ I say automatically. ‘I just put everything I had in the collection plate.’ That was my pretext for hanging back and letting everyone else get ahead of me anyway.

‘I don’t want any change. I saw you go in. I’ve been waiting till the service finished.’ His face…do I know him? It’s that guy I saw out on Jackson’s field, I’m almost positive, If only he would come out of the shadows…but I can feel a tightening in my chest, a panic rising standing here talking to him, suddenly regretting that I urged the others to go on, that I’m alone…

‘I wanted to talk to you.’

‘Well…’ I find my voice all of a sudden, ‘I don’t want to talk to you.’ I veer away from him in a panic, my feet skidding on the wide pavement beneath me. We’ve just heard midnight mass and there are little patches of black ice here and there on the pavement.

‘Rich.’ I catch up with him and Chrissie who’ve hung back a bit for me. ‘Wait up!’

‘Are you all right, darling?’ Chrissie pulls a concerned face at me now and I make an effort to shake myself out of it.

‘It’s nothing. That…that young man in the hoodie under the cathedral arch, just now – I thought he knew me. But I was mistaken,’ I say to distract them. Rich and his mum look back, but the guy’s already disappeared.

‘Oh. Probably just a drunk. Still – while it’s just the three of us together – I want to thank you both for the wonderful evening. The dinner was scrumptious, Hollie. And I really enjoyed the singing in the cathedral just now. We should make a tradition of this, don’t you think?’ Her glance shoots towards the couple up ahead of us. ‘Do it every year?’

She’s got Sarah’s baby on her mind, I know. That guy was nobody, I decide. A drunk, like she said.

‘We
could, I suppose, though Jay and Sarah might be otherwise occupied.’ I make an effort to get back to the here and now.

‘Oh, the baby could come too. It’s a family affair, isn’t it? I saw several kiddies in there tonight, they seemed to be loving it.’

Rich and I saw them too. We couldn’t take our eyes off them, they looked so cute in their Christmas togs…

But now Richard is very quiet, I notice. He seems thoughtful. At least Scarlett – walking on up ahead of everyone with Bill -is back in her usual high spirits. When she went out with Ruffles earlier she took so long coming back I thought maybe she wasn’t ever going to. I was so relieved when she walked in at last on Richard’s arm. Trust him to go out and find her. He knows how much it means to me to have her here for the festivities. I’ve missed her. Even though I was a bit mean to her this morning. God knows why. She hadn’t done anything wrong. I couldn’t resent her for saying no to my request. I don’t
blame
her.

We stop at the top of Boley Hill so Chrissie can get her breath back. We’ve almost reached the entrance to the castle courtyard
by the gates. In a moment we’ll cut across the patch of lawn and down the steps back onto the Esplanade again but, for now, the night is so silent and still you can hear the crunch of everyone’s shoes against the icy blades of grass. We pause for a moment, just taking in the sheer beauty of it. Richard nudges me and when I look towards where he’s pointing there’s a sprinkling of hoar frost on the ground, the street lamps picking it out, lighting it up like sugar frosting on a cake.

‘Apparently, it’s officially Christmas day already,’ Bill calls out over his shoulder. ‘The
kids
want to know if it’s OK to go back and open up their presents now?’

I can see my sister doubled up with laughter at his request. This’ll be her idea, no doubt.

‘What – right now?’ I work at keeping the disappointment from my voice. It’s been a good evening; a success, I think. But I really would rather just go to bed when we get back.

‘Maybe just a nightcap then?’ Jay puts in, his arm tucked protectively around Sarah’s shoulders. ‘If that’s all right?’

But it won’t be just a nightcap, I know. They’re all too awake and alert still, too excited. Like kids before Santa comes. They’ll end up wanting to open up all the presents under the tree, too. I was hoping that would wait until tomorrow but it looks as if the evening’s going to be dragged out a little longer now.

I shouldn’t complain. At least it means they’re all having a good time. I shoot a glance at my husband but his face is impassive. He’ll go along with what everyone wants. With whatever
I
want, I know.

‘Come on! If we
do
go back now, we could all find out what we’ve got each other, don’t you think?’ My sister’s face is bright with excitement. Her blonde hair escaping from her bobbled hat frames her face just like an angel’s. ‘I already know what you and Rich have got me, Hollie. I had a feel of it earlier.’ She’s walking backwards beside Bill now, so she’s facing us. ‘It’s that multicoloured cashmere jumper I saw yesterday, isn’t it?’

I shrug my shoulders, not telling. Trust her to have figured it out already!

‘And yours.’ She turns to Bill, teasing. ‘I’m pretty sure Hol’s got you some fetching bedsocks from the very same place…’

Bill laughs, rolling his eyes in mock delight. ‘I’ve already had the very best Christmas present with the news we’ve had tonight.’ He shoots an appreciative glance in Jay and Sarah’s direction. ‘A man of my age, well, I’ve already had pretty much everything a man could want in his life. There isn’t much left that I’m hoping for…’ He’s seventy-eight, ten years older than Christine.

‘It
is
the most wonderful news but that isn’t the kind of present Scarlett was thinking of, I’m sure.’ Christine looks at her husband pointedly. Then we all stand there awkwardly and no one speaks until Christine pipes up again.

‘Oh, is that…is that the bridge being closed in
both
directions?’ She’s trying to divert the conversation, but she doesn’t need to. I know Bill didn’t mean to be tactless. He just expressed what was in his heart, and why shouldn’t he talk about his joy at one of his boys finally presenting him with the news of a grandchild?

‘It’s…um, it looks like it,’ Sarah murmurs. We all turn to watch as the cone-dropping lorry borders off all entry and exit points to the new bridge as well as the old one.

‘Good grief, so it is.’ Jay leans over the courtyard wall overlooking the bridge. ‘Whatever are they doing that for?’

I don’t know. I should know, but I’ve been far too preoccupied with domestic matters recently. I shall need to pull my socks up in the New Year.

‘I
think
, I rack my brains, trying to remember seeing any recent memos that could have come in, ‘it
might
be something to do with the heavier flow of traffic that’s anticipated during the Christmas period.’

‘Except there won’t be now, because they’re closing the new bridge? That’s going to be a darn nuisance surely?’

‘I suppose it is.’ My mother-in-law settles by the cold stone wall beside him. ‘We’re all just used to the convenience, aren’t we? But you have to admit it’s all rather lovely as it is. Quiet and peaceful. No traffic. Just a few people walking back home in the early hours of Christmas morning. Sometimes we appreciate things all the more if we can’t so easily have them.’

She squeezes my hand gently behind her back.
You and Rich are going to be all right
, her eyes seem to say when she turns and smiles at me now.
I’ve got a strong feeling about this. Trust me. I
manage a small smile in response, but I know it doesn’t quite reach my eyes.

Trust, I think. Surely to trust you have to have something to trust in? I can’t just put faith in the notion that a magic solution will suddenly come winging its way out of the air. I need to know where the answer is going to come from.

‘And expecting at least
one
of the bridges to be open is not too much to expect, surely? We
are
used to the convenience. It’s the twenty-first century, Mum.’ Jay’s still chewing over her last comment. ‘There’s been a bridge on this site for nearly two thousand years, isn’t that right, Hollie?’

I nod.

‘There you go then.’ He grins at his mother. ‘That’s a long time to get used to the convenience of the thing.’

‘Two thousand years?’ Sarah picks up the diversion. ‘And this bridge is only such a very short distance across.’

‘Five hundred metres,’ I murmur. ‘A long way for the medievals. Not much to us, I admit.’

‘But if something’s beyond your reach it might as well be a thousand miles, eh?’ Jay shoots a sympathetic glance towards his brother and somehow, despite everyone trying their best to talk about something else, we’re back onto the subject of the baby again. Scarlett sidles up to Rich and takes his arm protectively. She can probably imagine what he’s feeling, and I feel grateful that she’s noticed. I just wish that everybody wouldn’t take every
random mention made as a reference to the fact that Richard and I have not been able to produce a child yet…

‘Oh, come on! Nothing needs to be beyond anyone’s reach these days.’ Scarlett stamps her feet impatiently and the sound of cracking ice beneath her boots echoes around the still courtyard. ‘It’s cold! I want to be getting back. And I
wanted
to tell Hollie and Rich what I’m giving them for Christmas but if you’re all going to be party-poopers then I’ll tell you here and now before you all disappear off to bed.’

Everyone turns to look at my sister expectantly. Rich folds his arms, glances at me.

Whatever she’s giving us for Christmas,
trust her
to have to make a song and dance about it. I love my sister to bits but why can’t she just be understated and tactful and quiet and
normal
for once?

‘I’ve thought long and hard about this so I don’t want anyone telling me to think again,’ Scarlett announces grandly. ‘I’ve decided to give Hollie and Rich a baby; I’m going to be their surrogate for them.’

‘Good God!’ Bill’s shocked voice is the first response to her revelation.

‘Well?’ Scarlett’s face is expectant as she turns to me now. ‘Are you pleased?’

I can’t take it in. She’s going to do it? Is she?

‘I’m…’ I look at Richard, feeling my heart suddenly going ten to the dozen. She was so adamant that she wouldn’t, and understandably so.

Rich looks as shocked as I feel. He gives me a little shake of the head, denying any prior knowledge of this, but now Scarlett comes and puts her arms around both of us.

‘Group hug, group hug!’ she says. ‘Take a picture, Christine.’ And my mother-in-law, bemused and beaming, takes out her camera and obediently captures the moment.

‘Are you really pleased? Neither of you is saying anything.’
Photo-shoot over, our little group is suddenly animated and buzzing again, everyone murmuring appreciatively in Scarlett’s direction, hugging her and each other and commending her on her generosity and her lovely gesture. But I still can’t take it in. She’s got her work in the Amazon to go back to. How is she realistically going to do what she’s promising me she’ll do?

I push those nagging doubts away because…oh, because I’ve always got nagging doubts about everything.

‘I’m only attaching one condition to it,’ Scarlett adds, laughing, and everyone’s eyes are back riveted on hers. I glance at Rich and his eyes seem to narrow a fraction. Does he know something about this after all? But the next instant his shoulders relax as Scarlett announces, ‘I want Hollie to promise me she’ll take some action to get over her morbid fearfulness and do something a little risky and daring.’

Sarah laughs nervously at this and Jay gives a small cheer, egging Scarlett on.

‘It’s something I’ve been nagging Hol to do for ages, but my sister’s as stubborn as hell…’ Gentle laughter again. ‘However, I
really
think this is something that would help you, sis.’

‘O-K.’ I look at her, on tenterhooks while we all wait for her to come out with it. The silence stretches out like a piece of chewing gum, taut and unending, waiting for someone to come along and make it snap.

‘I will have your baby for you but in return I want you to promise that you’ll learn how to swim. Agreed?’ Scarlett finishes and everyone heaves a collective sigh of relief.

Everyone except me, that is.

Christine gives a little clap and Bill actually says ‘Bravo!’

No. No. No. She knows what she’s asking of me. She of all people knows it.

‘Sounds like a fair exchange!’ Bill puts in jovially. ‘Got off lightly, I’d say. She’s just a little surprised, aren’t you, dear?’

I hesitate, then I nod at her. My voice has temporarily deserted
me. My God, she’s going to have our baby! As for this ‘condition’ she’s attaching to it, well, I’ll worry about that later…

‘You need to face your fear, Hollie.’ She turns to the others and our little group starts to make its way back to Florence Cottage.

‘When you start off learning to swim they only put you in two feet of water, anyway,’ Sarah is reassuring me, but my head is buzzing. I can feel Richard’s arms about my shoulders, hugging me as we walk along the crunchy pavement. The tiny granules of ice on the ground are like diamonds, a scattering of jewels before our feet just for the night.

‘Two feet? You’ll be able to stand in it,’ Scarlett calls out over her shoulder. ‘You’ll be fine, Hollie, believe me. After all, in two feet, what’s the worst that could happen?’

What’s the worst that could happen?

I don’t know. I don’t know how many feet of river water I went down in – was it more than two?

Sometimes I get a flash of it. The dark water envelops me, fills up my nose and my eyes and my mouth as I go down. I want to get back up and I’m fighting for that, my limbs scrabbling uselessly because there is nothing to hold onto.