A Shameful Secret (22 page)

Hester felt as though a festering wound deep inside her had begun to heal. She could forgive Richard Mortimer for his betrayal as she had forgiven her mother. It would be harder to forgive the father who had been so cruel to her, but she had believed herself a wicked girl and longed for forgiveness from him. Suddenly, that need had gone. She did not need to be forgiven. She had sinned, but her father’s crimes of lying to her and of giving an innocent child away to strangers was far worse than anything she had done in her innocence.

Hester went to bed at last feeling as if she had somehow shed a burden that had weighed her down for the past eight years. Paul loved her and though a slight shadow hung over their relationship, she could only hope that it would go in time.

* * * *

“Oh, my dearest girl,” Lady Longstanton said as she hugged her son’s intended bride the next morning. “I am so happy that you have accepted Paul. I have been looking forward to this moment for so long.”

“I am very happy that you are pleased,” Hester said. She wondered if he had told his mother the whole, but decided that it did not matter for the moment. “You have been so very kind to me, and I hope that we shall always get on well together.”

“Oh, I have no doubt of it,” Lady Longstanton said. “You will stay with us often I hope, but Paul has his own estate so you must not think that we shall always be in each other’s pockets.”

“I did not know that,” Hester said. “But I would not have minded living here with you.”

“Now that is a compliment.” Her soon-to-be mother-in-law cried and laughed, dropping her handkerchief to the floor. “But you must be mistress in your own house, my dear. However, I want you and Mrs. Weston to come and stay after you have been to town to buy your clothes. I think the wedding should be here. Your mother is not strong, Hester dear. It would be too much for her to host a big wedding, and I adore the idea. I assure you, It will be no trouble for me.” Which was true enough, for there was an army of servants to carry out her slightest wish, though no doubt she would be in charging of the arrangements.

“It is very kind of you,” Hester said a little smile on her lips for she knew the arrangement would please her mother who would thus be spared the expense and the work. “Is it to be a big wedding then?”

“Oh, of course,” her hostess said, beaming at her. “Paul says he wants everyone here, and I am in complete accord. For a start, we have many relations, who would all be up in arms if they were not invited. Indeed, most of them would come anyway. And then we have masses of friends—and you will have people you want to invite, of course.”

“Only a handful I think,” Hester said, “but I would not dream of offending any of your friends and most especially your relatives. I think I shall enjoy meeting them all.”

“You will find them an odd bunch,” her hostess said with a twinkle in her eye that was very like one Hester had seen in Paul’s a few times. “However, they are good-natured and loveable, and I know they are going to adore you.”

“I am sure I shall love them if they are like you,” Hester replied and was immediately enveloped in a perfumed hug once more.

“You are the dearest, sweetest, girl,” Lady Longstanton cried. “Oh, I am so happy that Paul found you. I was afraid that he never would be truly settled, and now he is, thanks to you.”

“I have not seen him this morning,” Hester said. “I thought we were to go riding, but I received a note to say that he had postponed the date until another time.”

“Yes, such a nuisance,” her hostess said and shook her head. “Paul had some business that came up suddenly and he was forced to leave. He told me that I was to look after you, and that I should tell you he would see you in London next week.”

“Oh.” Hester had a sinking feeling inside. Had Paul invented his business so that he did not have to meet her immediately? It might be that he felt he needed time to get over his disappointment. “That is a pity. I had hoped we might talk.”

“He said that I was to arrange the wedding for one month,” Lady Longstanton went on blithely. “He will have the banns called in church tomorrow and twice more before then, so we shall be ready on time. You will leave on Monday to arrange for your clothes. It should take only a few days to have your first fittings, and then you may come here, and the seamstress can bring your wardrobe here for the final fittings a week or so before the wedding.”

It seemed that Lady Longstanton had everything in hand. All Hester had to do was to enjoy herself shopping and wait—and yet, she was conscious of a small niggle of unease at the back of her mind. Why had Paul gone away so abruptly? Had he regretted asking her to marry him? He loved her, but was he finding it more difficult to accept her secret than he had at first thought?

* * * *

Hester sat in church with her mother, Lord and Lady Longstanton and Charlotte, listening to the banns being called the next day. Afterwards, she received the congratulations of neighbors and friends. It was all very pleasant, but she could not help wishing that Paul had been with her. She was asked where he was several times, and it felt odd to be telling people that he had been called away on important business. It was usual for the prospective bride and groom to appear together at the first calling of the banns.

Hester smiled through the curious looks, telling herself that it was not important. Paul had many things to attend to, and she was being foolish to worry about his absence. He would not allow his mother to go to all this trouble if he had any intention of changing his mind.

Hester had half expected to see Richard Mortimer again, but as yet, he had made no attempt to contact her. He had warned her that Paul would turn from her in disgust and promised that he would be there to pick up the pieces when it all fell apart, but for the moment, he was keeping his distance. She was not sure whether she was pleased or sorry. If he had come to see her, she could have asked him things about her daughter. There were so many things that she longed to know.

At the time, she had been so shocked and distressed that she had not thought to ask all the little details she wanted to know. She had since realized that she must speak to Richard again, because she did not actually know where to find her little girl.

When she thought about the meeting, Hester had a feeling of butterflies in her stomach. She longed for it so much that she had dreamed of the child more than once, but she was also scared—afraid that her daughter would hate her for giving her up.

How could she expect the child to understand that she had been given no choice? If Sylvia knew that she was being fostered, she would have wondered who her real mother was and why she did not want her. That hurt Hester so much. She could not wait to meet the girl, because she knew that she would love her, and she would tell her so—over and over again until she believed it.

She tried to picture the child in her mind. Richard said that Sylvia looked like her, but a much younger Hester. Her mother had a miniature of her as a child, and she thought that perhaps her daughter must look like that. Her heart swelled within her, filling her with a mixture of pride and happiness. She was so lucky to have the daughter she had thought dead. Even if she could only see her now and then and take her presents it would be a source of much pleasure.

She was so caught up in her dreams as she stood with the others outside the church, that she took no notice as the urchin ran up to her, pushing a folded note at her.

“Is this for me?” Hester asked as he thrust it at her. “Who gave it to you?”

“A gent what paid me a shillin’,” the urchin replied grinning at her. “I reckon as he likes you, miss.”

Hester accepted the note and opened it, staring at it in bewilderment. It consisted of just one line, telling her that the writer had something of importance to tell her and would write again when it was time.

A little shiver ran down Hester’s spine, for it was very much like the notes that Geraldine had received in Bath, and it made her uneasy. She slipped it into her reticule as Lady Longstanton called to her from the carriage. Was someone trying to blackmail her?

“Is something the matter?” her kind hostess asked as she climbed into their carriage beside her. “You look very pale, my dear.”

“No, nothing,” Hester assured her. “It was perhaps a little cool in church and the sermon was quite long.”

“Ah yes, our dear Reverend Milton does loves his sermons,” Lady Longstanton said with a forgiving smile. “But Sunday is his day, and he is so good to his parishioners that I think we must let him have his way. You should always take a muff with you, my love, and move your feet. It helps to keep them warm.”

Armed with this good advice, Hester prepared for a future of dull and long sermons, which must be born with good cheer—that is if the wedding went ahead as planned. She had a dreadful foreboding that something would go wrong.

* * * *

The following day her mother left for their home, promising to return a few days before the wedding.

“I have decided to ask your aunt to make her home with me in the Dower House, Hester. Your brother may decide to come home and settle down now that the estate is to be put in good heart, and in time, he may marry. Lady Longstanton has invited me to bring my sister with me for the wedding, and I shall do so.” She smiled at her and kissed her cheek. “You are a good girl, Hester. I look forward to your wedding.”

“Yes, Mama. I shall see you soon.”

Hester stood and waved to her mother as the carriage rolled away, sighing a little as she turned to her cousin. Mrs. Weston was in a good mood, and her daughter could only hope that nothing would occur to spoil it in the future.

“Is something the matter, Hester?” Charlotte asked, seeing her face. “Something on your mind?”

“Oh, no.” Hester lied, for she could not share her fears with anyone. Had Paul been here she would have showed the cryptic note to him, but he was still away and she did not expect to see him for a few days. “No, I am fine. Why shouldn’t I be?”

Charlotte refrained from asking further questions. “It is natural enough to be nervous,  my dear, but there is no need to worry, truly there isn’t. Captain Crawford will be back soon,” she said. “He said he would join us in town. I dare say you are missing him?”

“Yes, I am,” Hester said, because it was true. She did miss Paul’s company, but she was also anxious and she could not wait for his return. She prayed that he would not tell her that he had changed his mind.

* * * *

The next morning they left for town. Geraldine and her mother were travelling separately, but they were to meet again in town, for Lord Holbeach had a large house and his wife had insisted that Hester and Charlotte should be their guests.

“It will be much more comfortable for you, my dears,” Lady Holbeach had said, smiling at Hester kindly. “The seamstress may visit both of you at the same time and that will save the poor woman a lot of running here and there.”

Lady Holbeach had recommended a seamstress of high quality to them, and since Charlotte approved, they were to visit her as soon as they reached London, which they did after a day and a half of travelling in the well-sprung and comfortable carriage.

The seamstress was French, one of the émigrés who had come over after the revolution and had established herself as a much sought after modiste. She had a large clientele and being dressed by Madame Louise Renoir was considered a privilege. She was charming to both the girls, but her eyes sparkled when it came to Hester, and she realized that she was being asked to create something out of the usual.

“You do not care for pastels, mademoiselle?”

“Not very pale colors, no,” Hester said. “I think there are occasions for a white gown, but on the whole, I prefer rich deep colors—if you think they will suit me?”

“But assuredly, they will suit you to perfection. You have the style, as they say, no? You will cut a dash as the young Lady Crawford and everyone will want to buy my gowns.” She laughed huskily. “I shall be very happy to make your trousseau, Miss Weston, and I make the good price for you so that you will send all your friends here—yes?”

“If your gowns are as beautiful as those you have shown me, I think you already have too many customers, madame.”

“Ah,
oui
, you are correct,” the French woman said, “but I am—how you say—I have the hunger for more. It is my nature. I fear that no one will come and my children will grow ill from having no food in their bellies. So I work hard to save money and then one day I shall work no more.”

Hester smiled. There was an immediate rapport between them, and she was content to leave the matter of her gowns in the lady’s hands. They discussed style, color, and materials, but Hester sensed that the modiste was excited by the prospect of dressing her.

Geraldine’s clothes were to be very simple as befitted a younger lady, and she had chosen lots of white, silver spangles, and pretty pastel shades of pinks and blues. Hester’s gowns ranged from a deep emerald to the darkest blue and one rather shocking crimson silk that was cut low across the bosom and over her shoulders. It was very sophisticated, and when Hester tried it on she was startled at the woman she had become.