A red tainted Silence (43 page)

I reached for my laptop and turned it on, then let my memories take me back. At least those demons I knew.

* * * * *

When I woke up the next morning, Nicholas was gone. I looked at the clock on the bedside table -- half-past six. With a groan I sat up. And remembered.

Percy’s friend had paid me a visit at the party and left me with a few bruises to remember him by.

I pushed the coverlet back and swung my feet to the floor, grimacing at the pain in my side. I’d already taken enough serious beatings that week to last me a lifetime. I thought of the threat my attacker had made, but I pushed it aside. I couldn’t think about it. Not now.

All I wanted to do was find my keys -- they were still out there in the grass somewhere --

and find Nicholas and go home.

After washing my face in the bathroom, I got dressed, put on my shoes, and went to look for Nicholas. I wondered if Sprout were home. Hopefully she could help me figure out exactly who Percy’s little friend was while Nicholas was at work.

250

Carolyn Gray

I wandered through the house. Already, several maids were vacuuming and cleaning up the night’s mess. I stopped one of them. “Excuse me, I’m looking for Nicholas Kilmain.

He’s a friend of --”

The woman smiled. “Nick’s in the kitchen with Karen, hon. Did we wake you?” I shook my head. “No.” I glance toward the front door. “I need to go outside a sec.”

“Go on. Door’s open.”

“Thanks.”

I walked out of the house and headed for my car, my steps slowing as I approached the scene of attack.

Think about what you’d be willing to do to keep your lover boy safe.

I remembered then how he’d kissed me, touched me. The insinuations. Nausea gripped me. I whirled around, fearing and just knowing he was behind me.

But there wasn’t anyone on the street, no one behind me, no one watching.

I felt sick. I had to find my keys. I had to get us out of there, go home, lock the door.

Stay safe, stay safe, keep Nicholas safe ...

Almost frantic now, I searched the ground for my keys, finally finding them. Placed on a rock, the keys fanned out just so.

He’d put them there, I knew.

Mocking me.

I swallowed, hard. I couldn’t do this. I couldn’t deal with this. I had to tell someone --

The shirt. He had the shirt -- and Percy was in the hospital. I couldn’t tell anyone, or he’d give the cops the shirt, maybe even tell them it was Nick’s, and they’d find hairs on it or something, enough to put Nicholas there.

I screwed my eyes shut, like I was a little kid and that would make all the evil demons go away. I took a deep breath. It was going to be okay; it had to be. It had to be. All I had to do was ...

I opened my eyes and stared at the keys.

All I had to do was give him myself.

It was what he wanted, after all. I remembered his hand on my groin and shoved the memory away. Pushed the remembered touch out of my mind. I wouldn’t think about it, not now. No, no, no.

I bent down and picked up the keys, then stuffed them in my pocket. I walked back toward the house, up the steps, pushed open the front door. And when I did so, I pushed my decision into the back of my mind, where Nicholas couldn’t see.

Where no one could see.

I closed the front door and stood in the entranceway, taking a deep breath. And another. Live for now. For right now. I had Nicholas, and ... and ...

A Red-Tainted Silence

251

“Are you all right?”

I looked up, startled, at the maid who I’d talked to earlier. I nodded. “Thanks, um, yeah.” I smiled sheepishly and took a few steps toward the kitchen. “I’m going to find Nicholas now.”

She nodded and turned back to her cleaning.

I headed for the kitchen, my steps soundless on the thick carpeting. Voices carried to me, Karen and Nicholas, talking about something. I paused outside the doorway where they couldn’t see me.

“... tell him, Nicholas. It’s not fair to him.”

“I’m going to. I -- I just haven’t had a chance to, that’s all. We just met, Karen.”

“Yeah, Nicholas, more than a week ago. If that’s time enough to fall in love with him, it’s time enough to tell him the truth.”

“It was on my resume --”

“Which he obviously never saw. He got sick, remember? He had to look for you with those flyers, remember?”

I heard a chair scrape back, the refrigerator opening, ice dropping into a glass. “Want some juice?”

“You’re avoiding talking about this, Nicholas. You like him, don’t you?”

“I love him,” he said, his voice barely more than a breathless whisper.

My heart soared.

But Karen sighed. “You’d fall in love with a toad if it batted its eyes at you.”

“Toads turn into princes. And anyway, he’s no toad. He’s a real prince, and I love him.” I grinned, feeling a too-brief moment of incredible warmth. Of happiness.

In the next instant it shattered.

“Stop joking around. You have to tell him we’re married, Nicholas. He deserves to know.”

I took a step back and stumbled into the wall. Chairs scraped back, and I heard an “Oh, shit” as Karen moved into my line of sight and saw me. I stepped forward, into the doorway, disbelief over what I’d heard momentarily stealing my breath away.

“Brandon --” Karen began.

Nicholas whirled around to face me, his face as white as I knew mine must be.

Married. He was married.

“What did you just say, Karen?” I demanded.

She looked from me to Nicholas. He licked his lips. Nervous. He’d damn well better be.

“Uh, she said -- um, we’re married.”

252

Carolyn Gray

“Married,” I repeated, looking from Nicholas to Karen. She glared at him, but I ignored her. Anger surged through me, and I took a step toward him, making him flinch. “What the fuck do you mean, you’re married?”

Nicholas nodded, his eyes wide with panic. “It’s true, but it’s not what you think --” I cut him off. “When were you going to tell me, Nicholas?” I slammed my hand against the doorjamb, not caring that it hurt like hell and scared Nicholas. He shrank back and Karen jumped, but I didn’t care. I was humiliated. An idiot. Tricked and betrayed. It showed on my face, I knew -- I could see it reflected in Nick’s eyes.

Then it dawned on me. “Last night, everyone knew. They knew, didn’t they, Nicholas?”

He slowly nodded.

“My God,” I whispered. “You let me ... You led me on, right in front of everybody.” I clenched my jaw, turning away from him, the blackness of overwhelming despair and terrible anguish nearly knocking me flat. I had to brace myself against the wall. Nicholas took a step toward me but stopped.

“Brandon, I’m sorry, I was going to tell you --”

“When, Nicholas? Did you think it wasn’t important? That I wouldn’t --” I choked on the words. “That I wouldn’t care? Well, you were wrong.” My words dripped with ice. He reached for me, but I pushed him away, turned on my heel, and ran from the kitchen.

“Brandon, wait, I can explain!”

But I didn’t stop. My side hurt, my head hurt, and now my heart hurt. Blinded by tears, I nearly ran into one of the maids. I hurried past her, yanked open the front door, and pelted down the front steps, ignoring Nick’s call after me as I ran for my car. I pulled out my keys and got inside, slamming the door shut when he crossed the driveway. I started the car as he pounded on the passenger-side door. Tears poured down his face, but I didn’t care.

No, I cared too much. Way too much.

With a sob, I put the car in gear and drove off and, I thought with gut-wrenching fear, out of Nicholas Kilmain’s life. The married Nicholas Kilmain’s life.

I drove aimlessly for the next few hours, not caring where I went, what time it was. It was over. I didn’t understand. What kind of game was he playing? He said he loved me -- but he was married.

And Karen had done it, too. Had encouraged him. Practically pushed me toward him.

What did they think -- that I’d eventually agree to a threesome? No fucking way.

I didn’t understand.

So I kept driving. Eventually, I had to stop and eat something, but when I did so, I realized all my money was gone. My attacker had taken it. So I found myself driving to the A Red-Tainted Silence

253

one place I knew I could go. I couldn’t go home -- my dad hated me. I couldn’t go to Adam’s -- now he’d really hate me, for screwing up Ashwood.

I couldn’t go to Jonathan’s. I couldn’t bear going there, where the bed Nicholas and I hadn’t even had a chance to try out waited in an empty, soulless room.

I loved him so much.

I found myself pulled up in Sprout’s driveway, relieved to find her car parked around back. I got out and walked up to the back door -- she stood just inside, her expression concerned as she saw me.

“I heard your car pull up. What happened?” she said, letting me in. “You look terrible, Bean. What’s wrong? What happened to your face?”

“Nothing.”

She didn’t push it. “I was just getting ready to go to work, but come on in.” I headed for her room, not answering until she closed the door behind her. I stared at her bed, then flopped down on it, burying my face in her stuffed animals. But I couldn’t cry.

I had no tears left.

“Bean?”

I rolled over and stared at the ceiling. She sat next to me, touching me on the face.

“You’ve been crying.” I nodded. “Is it Nicholas?” I nodded again. “Tell me what’s wrong --”

“He’s married.”

She bolted from the bed. “What?”

“He’s married.”

“Oh, my gosh, Brandon, no. No way.”

I nodded and took a deep, shuddering breath. “Can I stay here for a little bit? I -- I just want to be alone for a while.”

“Oh, Brandon, I’m so sorry. Maybe there’s a reason --”

“He’s gay, Jenn. He’s gay, but he’s married. What kind of reason could there be?” I turned over again, burying my face.

She stroked the back of my head. I clenched my fists. “Did he explain himself?” I shook my head.

“Did you give him the chance?”

I shook my head again.

She sighed. “You should’ve let him explain.”

I looked up and glared at her. “Who’s side are you on?”

“Nobody’s. Both of yours. You love him; I know it.” 254

Carolyn Gray

I rested my cheek against a duck and closed my eyes. “He told me last night he loved me, too.” I couldn’t see her face, but I knew she was grinning. “Stop it.”

“I can’t help it. He loves you, Brandon! You need to give him a chance to explain. You met his ... his wife?”

“Karen.”

“The girl at the bookstore? Okay, now I know there’s something up. She told you where to find him, right?” The front doorbell rang, saving me from answering. “Geesh, I’m gonna be late to work,” she muttered. “Be right back.” I sighed as she left. Then I looked at the clock and bit back a yelp of surprise. It was almost two. Nicholas worked until six, he’d told me.

I wondered what he was doing. If he was okay.

I pushed those thoughts from my mind. It didn’t matter. He was married. It was over between us.

But Percy’s buddy wouldn’t think so.

I glanced at the door, straining to hear Sprout, if she was coming back. Not yet. I got up from her bed and looked at her bookshelf. Ever organized, my Sprout. I found her annual from when she was a freshman, and flipped through the seniors’ section, looking for a familiar face.

I found Nick’s first, and I bit my lower lip to keep the damn sobs roiling deep inside me from spilling out. I stroked his face, smiling despite myself at the curly blond hair.

My whole body ached for him, and one sob escaped.

I flipped the pages, looking for Percy’s freak mate. And found him, finally, under “M.” Seth Miller. I stared at the page, at the handsome -- yeah, he was, the fucker -- face looking at the camera. Handsome, but the eyes -- the eyes were pure evil.

I bit the inside of my lip and tasted blood.

“Brandon?”

I slammed the annual shut and shoved it back on the shelf, then fell onto my back on Sprout’s bed.

The door opened, but it wasn’t Sprout who filled the doorway. To my shock, it was Karen. I scrambled to sit up.

“How did you find me,” I demanded.

“Jonathan told me you might be here.”

I was going to kill him. I pushed off of the bed, cursing the obvious wince. I still hurt, and she saw it. “I don’t have anything to say to you.” But she surprised me -- she walked right up to me and pushed me back down onto the bed. “Oh, yes, you do, Brandon Ashwood. Now, sit there and be quiet and listen to me.” A Red-Tainted Silence

255

“Why should I? He as good as lied to me, Karen. I can’t ... I mean ... You guys are married.”

She sighed as she sat next to me on the bed. “I know.” She rolled her eyes. “Of course I know. How to explain this ...” She paused a moment, worrying her bottom lip. “Okay.

Nicholas was wrong not to tell you --”

“You bet he was.”

“Let me talk.” I clenched my jaw, but nodded. “Good. Nicholas has a bad habit of thinking that if something is avoided long enough, it won’t come back and bite him. But it always does.” She looked at me pointedly. “I think you know that.” I nodded, thinking of the multiple encounters with less-than-savory types he’d had. “He was scared to tell you, that you’d react just like you did.”

“What did he expect? I find out everything I know about him piecemeal. Never from him. There’s a whole hell of a lot I don’t know about him, Karen. I mean, I didn’t know about you. I don’t know anything about his family. How he ended up in the shelter or ... or anything.”

She smiled, touching me on my cheek. “You know he loves you, right?”

“How can he love me if he loves you?” I said miserably.

“Oh, Brandon, of course he loves you. He wants you. He loves me, but not like that.

Nicholas married me to help me. Last year, I was dating this guy my parents didn’t approve of. I got pregnant, and they were, well, less than thrilled.” I looked away, feeling bad for her, but wondering furtively where her kid was. She answered that with her next words. “I lost the baby, but not until after Nicholas and I got married. My boyfriend was kind of rough on me. No, he was rough on me. He hit me. Nicholas found out about it. We’ve been friends since we were little, and he’s always kind of seen himself as my big brother. He told Ace --”