A Parent's Guide for Suicidal and Depressed Teens (7 page)

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Authors: Kate Williams

Tags: #Family & Relationships, #Life Stages, #Teenagers, #Self-Help, #Depression, #test

BOOK: A Parent's Guide for Suicidal and Depressed Teens
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Forever Decision.
I highly recommend it, especially if it is difficult for you to talk directly about suicide with your child.
The author of this book, Paul G. Quinnett, talks directly to a person contemplating suicide. The first sentence is "The first thing I want to tell you about suicide is that you don't have to be crazy to think about it or, for that matter, even to try it. Suicide is a solution. . . ."
1
His matter-of-fact tone taught me how to talk about the subject. It helped me be conversational. Now I can say, "Suicide is a choice, but have you thought about the fact that your life may get better if you hang in for a while?" I became able to bring up the subject and converse in a normal tone of voice. When talking to Rachel I would say things like,
Feelings change every day; you may feel great tomorrow. Life is about choices, and when you make the decision to die, you are saying that you don't have other choices. There are
always
choices. Have you really tried
everything
to solve your problems? What if you're depressed and there is help for depression? What if your thoughts change?
In the past five years, one of my most often-repeated sentences has been
There are always choices; you don't have to feel trapped; there are always choices.
I also learned some things about botched suicides. This knowledge was useful to my daughter's
 
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recovery, to contemplate the fact that lots of self-destructive actions result in injury and maiming, not death. I said, "Do you really like the idea of spending your life in a wheelchair? You wouldn't be having much fun."
Take Only Long Enough to Make the Decision to Get Help
I've written more here than you need to know, probably, but since every family is different, I want to cover all the bases. The important thing is this: no matter what issues come up in your first conversation,
you must return to the nonnegotiable demand that your child get professional help.
The next step is deciding whether you have an emergency on your hands or whether you can wait to see a counselor within a week or so. Sometimes denial is so strong that parents don't see a problem until it is an emergency. If this is the case, go with it. Let it be an emergency. If you didn't see it coming, let yourself see it now. Don't be down on yourself because you didn't see it beforeget on it now and
act.
 
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PART TWO
TAKING ACTION
Just for today I will try to live through this day only, not tackling my whole life's problems at once. I can do something at this moment that would appall me if I felt that I had to keep it up for a lifetime.
ANONYMOUS
 
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4
Help Is There for the Asking
In adolescence, the Big 3 hits all at oncemortality, spirituality, sexuality.
NANCY PADDOCK
Important points bear repeating: Suicidal children need to get professional help immediately. If you are the one who has discovered that your child is suicidal, you may need some guidance in finding a counselor. As I've mentioned earlier, if this is too scary to do aloneif you are a single parent or your spouse can't handle the stressit's okay to ask a friend, a minister, or a relative to come and sit with you while you make the phone calls. Or you can ask them to help you make the calls. The first decision you will need to make is whether your child is well enough to stay home and see a counselor on an outpatient basis or whether your child needs to be at a treatment center or hospital in order to be protected from acting impulsively on suicidal thoughts.
 
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''Is This an Emergency?''
When you call for help, you will probably be asked if it is an emergency. Is it? If your child has made a suicide attempt, you know it's an emergency and you've already called an ambulance. But what if there has been no suicide attempt? What if your child is talking about wanting to die, talking about wanting no more pain? You will simply have to talk with your child to determine how critical the situation is.
What do you ask your child? You say, "Can you make a contract with me that you won't do anything to hurt yourself for twenty-four hours?" If your child can't make this commitment, if your son or daughter says, "I want to die," then you have an emergency. You also have an emergency on your hands if you have discovered evidence of self-abusive behaviors, e.g., physical risk-taking, cutting, burning, or overdosing.
Another question to ask is "Do you have a suicide plan?" If your child says "Yes," you have an emergency. Nowadays, therapists focus on the plan as the strongest indication of danger. Sometimes people who talk about wanting to die can easily make a contract; they don't have a plan. The existence of a plan indicates that action is only a short step away. You must take this seriously and find a hospital or treatment center immediately.
 
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Don't give up until you find someone to help you find a crisis unit, an adolescent treatment center, or a county hospital emergency room. If your child has a plan, put this book down now and take care of the crisis. Your child is your primary concern.
How to Find a Therapist
The school social worker who called me didn't think my daughter was in immediate danger. They thought she needed counseling, however. They would have helped me work through the system if I had not already had membership in an HMO. I decided to call the child psychologist there, knowing that if that person didn't work out, I'd look for someone else. As it turned out, that particular therapist, Carrie, helped my daughter cope initially. I'm using the term
cope
in a half-heartedly positive tone. Carrie helped Rachel deal with the issues around depression but didn't help her get through some of her feelings about major losses she'd suffered. Rachel talked to Carrie about her dad and her sadness over the divorce, but she didn't express her anger at him for not spending much time with her. Carrie's prognosis? "She probably won't deal with this until she's twenty-five." With hindsight I can see that this approach was a mistake. Rachel spent two more years in pain about her dad, not daring to tell him she was mad, not
 
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daring to tell me she was mad at me because she thought I was passive in dealing with him. When I find myself obsessing about what the first therapist didn't do, I tell myself that maybe Rachel wasn't ready to deal with her anger. Then I affirm out loud, "Every woman has her own timetable."
My daughter coped well enough to survive for two years, but then she went into a tailspin. She couldn't get off the couch, couldn't stop crying, and she talked about wanting to kill herself. She was having hallucinations about her own death. Although I didn't know it, she had a plan to kill herself. I knew we had to find some other kind of therapy. I felt desperate and grief-stricken. If Carrie had done everything she had thought possible and my daughter was still suffering, was there any hope?
When we, as humans, undergo therapy, we can only handle a few issues at a time. Rachel did as much work as she could with Carrie, and Carrie did the best she could at the time; yet the problem of suicide was not resolved.
How do you know if your child's therapist is a good one? My general answer to this question is simple: You know the therapist is good when your child is opening up to him or her, when there is some rapport. All of us find healing through our relationships with other people. This is true for work, for love, for church, for therapy. If there isn't
 
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open and honest communication going on, not much else can happen. If your son or daughter sits glumly, sullenly answering in monosyllables, then you know not much is happening in therapy. This process of opening up takes time, however. Don't rush it. I'd follow the recommendations given to people new to Twelve Step programssuspend judgment for at least six meetings. Then ask if it is helping. If it is helping, your child will not continue to show the "signs and symptoms of suicide," as listed in the first chapter. If it is helping, your child will have work to do between sessions. Your child will say "Yes" to the question, ''Does the therapist ask you questions that make you think?"
Even little changes can show a major shift toward recovery. Even though I knew wearing black clothing isn't a dangerous sign in and of itself, I was delighted when my daughter went shopping a year into therapy and picked out some spring clothes in yellow and lime and pink.
If you try one therapist and it's not helping after a few months, find somebody else. All the while, know that you may not be privileged to understand every facet of the process. You may not know for many years all the factors involved. So the best you can do is look for help and support, and take action in a crisis situation.

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