A Parent's Guide for Suicidal and Depressed Teens (10 page)

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Authors: Kate Williams

Tags: #Family & Relationships, #Life Stages, #Teenagers, #Self-Help, #Depression, #test

BOOK: A Parent's Guide for Suicidal and Depressed Teens
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Be sure to support your child's feelings of anger as well. When Rachel expressed her anger at the treatment center. I saw my role as twofold: I supported her in her anger, and I expected her to learn the things she could do to get better and then do them. I was fierce in telling her I wouldn't let her come home until she figured out a program for her mental health.
 
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8
Drowning in the Romance of Death: Fighting Back
Only the good die young.
ANONYMOUS
Many parents worry about images of death in rock 'n' roll, never noticing that the romance of death is all around us. Part of the ability to deal with the idea of death and suicide is to demystify it for yourself.
Think back on your life and remember the stories you read that depicted death as a fulfillment, as a solution to pain. Think about the stories that depicted young people in a troubled situation turning to suicide as a solution. Doing so may help you see your child and family as part of a larger social pattern, and you will be able to talk about suicide with more ease.
 
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The Romance of Star-Crossed Lovers
Did you read
Romeo and Juliet?
Even if you never read it, I bet you know the story. It is imprinted on our minds as a story of young love, a tragic mistake. But look at all the glory the lovers got. They live forever! Not only in high schools but in the play, the movie, and in the musical
West Side Story.
A recent research project surveyed the most commonly taught books in grades seven through twelve.
Romeo and Juliet
came in at number one with a resounding 90 percent.
1
This play glorifies suicide. I'm puzzled as to why it's the most often taught book/play. Do adults in our culture unconsciously glorify young love and the tragedy of an early death? Do we get hooked into the romance and fail to see how much we teach the idea that suicide is a solution?
There are also a number of movies that end with an early death presented as a solution.
Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, Bonnie and Clyde,
and
Sophie's Choice
are just a few that come to mind.
Religion and the Romance of Death
In my personal deliberations on this subject, I also thought about the Judeo-Christian tradition, the primary images of Western civilization. The crucifixion
 
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is seen as a gift, a transcendence of pain. When Rachel went to Sunday school for a while, she wrote an interesting definition of who Jesus is:
He's a guy who let himself be hung for love.
She apparently didn't pick up the good news of the gospel message that since Jesus died, she didn't have to. You may scoff at her interpretation. But it is a
real
interpretation of what she heard. Perhaps she took in the image of the cross as her own personal solution. This kind of self-abusing interpretation of religion does have a history in Christianity, in self-flagellation, and whipping.
Maybe Rachel got the "wrong" idea, but the idea is there to be gotten. If you are not part of this tradition, take some time and reflect on the concept of death as it is presented in your religion. Is it a gift? Is it better than life? A reward? Whatever our religion, we must find ways to balance life and death. We must emphasize the aspects of religion that welcome living.
Other Images of Death
We can't talk about death and suicide without talking about the image of the mushroom cloud, the atom bomb that has been with us for many years. We live with images of missiles in silos, of toxic waste dumps, of a poisoned earth. At the same time we see pictures of wealth, glittering consumption, jewels, gold, and limousines.
 
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Young adolescents take in these images and become overwhelmed by them if they have no way to express or release their feelings. And at times they reach out to the images of death in the world because these external images express their inner pain. When our children obsess about death images, we must find ways to give them life images through art, music, meditation, hugging, and tender loving care. We must insist that they do the work in therapy that will help resolve obsessive, violent thoughts.
 
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9
Chemical Balance: Learning about Drugs
When I start going down, thinking about my life, I want to go out, smoke cigarettes and get high.
DONNA R.
Any child who is depressed is at risk for chemical dependency. Any child who is depressed may be put on anti-depressants. You need to learn about both aspects of the pharmacology culture.
Drug Abuse: Self-Medication for Depression
Chemical use is often a factor in suicides. Many adolescents who kill themselves have been using or abusing chemicals to try to treat their depression. Unfortunately, drug use causes a descending spiral of depression. Initially, you need to find out if your child is using drugs. A chemical dependency assessment should be part of any mental health treatment program. You must stick up for
 
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your right to ensure this assessment is done. One mother insisted on a urine test to be sure her child was drug-free.
Many factors are at work within adolescents who are at risk. Your child may be primarily depressed but drinking to ease the pain, and therefore having a secondary problem with alcohol. It is crucial to detect whether or not your child is using chemicals, for chemical use is the cause of many adolescents' deaths. Many kids, like my brother, overdose accidentally and nobody can ever say if they really wanted to die. Sometimes kids get high and don't realize they're over the edge.
Anti-Depressants: A Useful Tool?
The last few years have seen a growth in the prescription of anti-depressant drugs as a form of treatment for depression and mental health disorders. There are many new anti-depressants and many people have learned by trial-and-error that they need anti-depressants to stay mentally stable. Many of the tricyclics have literally been lifesavers to suicidal people.
If a therapist recommends anti-depressants, ask questions about the particular drug, why it's being recommended, and what the side effects are. Discuss all of this with our child, who is the one who must deal with the side effects. It's important
 
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to say, ''All drugs have side effects.'' (Anti-depressants shouldn't be given to people who are manic-depressive.)
Question Authority
Here is a little bit of our story for you to mull over. When the psychiatrist wanted to put Rachel on anti-depressants, he acted offended when I wanted to discuss the reason for it and the possible side effects. Her Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory (MMPI) showed her depression to be average for adolescents. "We're not treating the MMPI," the psychiatrist said. The only reason he gave was that Rachel was not making progress fast enough and our insurance coverage was running out, so why not try the pills. That infuriated me. The second thing that infuriated me was that they told me I had to be in charge of dispensing the medicine. Here is a suicidal person who is supposed to be learning to be independent and take responsibility for her own life. And here is the mother controlling the drugs which presumably could cause an overdose if the child got hold of them. This would only create more tension and dependency between the parent and child. The third thing that upset me was that she did experience terrible side effects. What parent with a suicidal kid wants to find her unconscious? The
 
Page 66
psychiatrist acted like this was no problem. He acted as if her passing out and being "green around the gills" was no big deal. In the end, I believe she was less functional on the drugs than off.
Now, three years later, she has managed her depression and mood swings without anti-depressants. She continues to suffer from the pain of sudden mood swings, however, and is considering trying another anti-depressant. I support her in her search for stability.
 
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10
Tough Love: Preparing for New Behaviors
She looked so fragile, like a shell, the color of milk.
BRIGITTE FRASE
A treatment program can provide a safe place for your child to begin to identify issues and feelings. It's a time-out. A place to rest and think things over. The time in treatment also gives you, as a parent, some time to work through your own issues and feelings. The goal of a crisis unit or short-term treatment program is generally to define the next stepa plan for healthy progress.
You will, however, probably have to start thinking about the next step before you think you are ready. You are going to be working through and feeling a lot of pain about your life. At the same time, you will be expected to make decisions about what's best for you and your family. The experts can help, but in the end the decision will rest on your shoulders.
 
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Evaluating Your Child's Progress
How do you know someone is ready to come home? It's very difficult to tell. But the experts generally say that they don't want depressed adolescents to stay in the hospital too long because they can become so dependent on it that they won't ever want to leave. Here are some guidelines that can assist your family in getting ready.
Set Up a Long-Term Treatment Plan
You need to look at plans for continuing treatment after discharge. Such "treatment" could include a daytime program, weekly visits to a therapist, group therapy, adolescent self-help support groups, or a combination of these. It may also mean a group home, halfway house, or long-term residential treatment. The point is that you must think about the benefits of each choice and make a decision about what is most likely to be helpful to your teenager and to your whole family. The experts will make suggestions, but you don't need to be limited by them. Call people you respect and talk through the choices that are presented to you.
Write a Contract Together
Suicidal people of all ages are asked by their therapists and families to sign a written contract. This is a statement written in the person's own words

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