A Parent's Guide for Suicidal and Depressed Teens (2 page)

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Authors: Kate Williams

Tags: #Family & Relationships, #Life Stages, #Teenagers, #Self-Help, #Depression, #test

BOOK: A Parent's Guide for Suicidal and Depressed Teens
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Page x
information about the experience of other parents in a similar situation. She found no book that addressed all of her needs. However, out of the recognition that her needs were not unique, after reflection on her own experience, and with both courage and generosity in sharing that experience, she has written a book that will be of great value to parents in this difficult and painful situation.
My own work as a family therapist has taught me that like Ms. Williams, most parents are terrified by the knowledge that their child is seriously depressed and may be thinking about suicide. Most of the parents I have worked with have felt shamed or felt that their feelings are invalid in some wayrather than supported in their own pain and recognized as important partners in their child's treatment and recovery. The negative messages can and sometimes do come from the attitudes and demeanor of professionals involved in treatment. Ms. Williams details some of the insensitivities that those of us who work with families all too often commit. It is my hope that her comments will serve as wake-up calls for all of us professionals.
As Kate Williams notes, other parents may make negative comments about a family in this painful situation out of their own fear. It is human nature to desire a certain amount of distance, physical or emotional, between ourselves and a painful reality. A family with a child who is
 
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depressed, suicidal, or in treatment is often a terrifying reminder to the network of families around it. Needing to reassure themselves that their own children are okay, these other families may make thoughtless comments or cut off contact with the parent or family in crisis, rather than offer the supportive, nurturing attention that family needs.
One important service that this book provides is an account of one parent's process that can validate the experience of others in similar circumstances. Additionally, it offers insights to those who are in proximity to these parents, suggesting ways to be caring resources rather than sources of more pain.
Ms. Williams also explores many of the underlying developmental and specific situational components in adolescent depressionnever in a way that extends to advice giving or judgmentbut as opportunities for further work toward full recovery for the adolescent, the parent, and the family. Her penetrating comments on what she terms the
Romance of Death
in our culture and its particular impact on vulnerable adolescents, for example, raise questions for all of us as parents, educators, and consumers. These questions require serious consideration and clear statements to our children about our own values about life and the opportunities that it presents along with the pain that sometimes comes with living in our world.
 
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She addresses sexuality as a topic to be talked about in a forthright mannerwhether the questions are about sexual activity, sexual orientation, or the murky business of defining for oneself just what constitutes masculinity or femininity.
As professionals, we have insufficiently described the specific developmental concerns faced by adopted children and their families. Again, Ms. Williams is neither prescriptive nor judgmental in her comments but encourages families to openly and honestly define what this particular life experience means for their children, including how their needs at adolescence may differ from those of their peers.
In looking at these areas, Ms. Williams presents her own journey and what has worked for her and for her daughter in a way that is optimistic and hopeful without minimizing the hard work and painful searching involved. She has literally opened her experience to others in a very honest, generous way with neither apologies nor self-recrimination. She describes her own therapeutic work and how the threads of her own life weave in and out of her daughter's recovery without the assumption that she could control that recovery or the assumption of blame for the illness itself. This role is the most useful, responsible, and healthy perspective for parents to arrive at in the course of a family crisis like this one, and it requires the
 
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development of a balance between hard work and self-care that Ms. Williams promotes time and again in the first two parts of this book and returns to in the final section.
I will confidently recommend this book to families that I work with and suggest it as well to those of us who walk with them as professionals and friends.
DENISE M. D'AURORA, M.ED.
LICENSED PSYCHOLOGIST
LICENSED MARRIAGE AND FAMILY THERAPIST
FAMILY THERAPY INSTITUTE, INC.
ST. PAUL, MINNESOTA
 
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INTRODUCTION
My daughter Rachel suddenlyit seemeddidn't want to live. At the time she was thirteen and in the eighth grade. We started going to a therapist immediately, both together and separately. This went on for two years. Then, after Christmas vacation in tenth grade, she had a nervous breakdown. I know
nervous breakdown
is an old-fashioned term that really isn't used much anymore, but it is the best word to describe what happened. Rachel couldn't stop crying, she couldn't get off the couch, she didn't know what was wrong, and she said she couldn't think of any reason she wanted to live.
Then I found a different therapist, Barbara. After meeting with Rachel two times, the therapist met with me and my daughter and said she was concerned about her. ''Concerned about your daughter.'' Those calm words struck terror in my heart. The three of us decided together that Rachel needed the physical security of a hospital. She stayed in an adolescent crisis unit for ten days and then entered a daytime mental health program, living at home. She continued to work with Barbara.
After a shaky reentry to regular life, she went back to her high school. She has now graduated
 
Page 2
from high school, after continuing to work on her issues for five years. We continue to go to therapy, working on both our personal and family issues.
This book is a brief summary of the past five years, a time of incredible pain and change. We have not come to the end of the story, however. Rachel is going to have a lifelong task of managing her mood swings and living in a healthy way that nurtures her and keeps her on a level course. She will probably continue to be challenged by issues of abandonment and dependency. My task is to learn how to support her, to stay out of her way, to set limits, and to continue to learn how to have a "normal" family life.
During the past five years, I've received help from many people with this difficult situation. Most helpful have been Rachel's therapist, Barbara; my sister; and my friends.
What I
didn't
find was a book that spoke to me as a parent. There are many books about depression and suicide, but they tend to be clinical and descriptive. They tend to talk about "clients," a manner of speaking that has never felt supportive to me. Or they talk about what was wrong with the clients' families without saying what could be righted in a "wrong" situation. If a book does speak to parents, the advice tends to be unusually vague, like "Listen.'' Fortunately, there was one book,
Suicide: The Forever Decision: For Those Thinking
 
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About Suicide, and For Those Who Know, Love, and Counsel Them,
that was a lifesaver in teaching me how to talk about suicide.
But I longed to read a book that would tell me how other parents have dealt with this situation. I wanted a book I could connect with on a feeling level. It wasn't there. So I'm writing the book I wanted to read. I have tried to include resources, encouragement, and suggestions for a path of action for parents in a similar situation. I've organized the book according to the order of the changes I went through. But I hope other parents will feel free to skip around in the book if their journeys take different turns.
I'm writing this book pseudonymously for three reasons. The first reason is to protect my daughter's identity. When she is an adult, she may want to write her own story about her experience with mental health issues. I don't want to make that decision for her, even though she has given me her consent to write about her and even though some of her writing is included in this book. The second reason is to protect my anonymity as a member of Alcoholics Anonymous and Al-Anon. One of the traditions of Twelve Step programs is that we remain anonymous in the press in order to protect both ourselves and the organization. To tell the story of my life as a mother, I need to write openly about the Twelve Steps, and I can't be as open as I
 
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want to be if my real name is published. I believe this book will be more useful to others because I am open about my alcoholism and recovery. The third reason for using a pseudonym is to write freely without fear of being sued by Rachel's father who continues to deny she has any problems.
As I wrote this book, I changed the names of all the people and certain details to protect the anonymity of my family. And, in some cases, I summarized events to a great extent. Sometimes I've been confused about the order that things happened. But all the events I describe happened; all the people in the book are real people in my life.
I have chosen to use the word
child
and
children
throughout the book, even though the child I refer to is now eighteen years old, taller than I am, and more stylishly attired. Why the word
child?
No matter how old our children become, they are still our children. When we see their grown-up bodies, we also see their first wobbly steps, their fine baby hair, the moment they found their balance on a two-wheeled bike. When we see our children we see their historyand ours. We see all the hopes we've had for them along the way. When I see the word
adolescent,
I don't see hope, I see a psychology textbook, so I've used that word less often. When I see the word
teenager,
I'm reminded of commercialism and brand-name blue jeans. So when I use the word
child,
I am affirming the hope
 
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we have had for them and the hope we must continue to hold: the hope that they will be able to live a good life.
I know that there must be many people out there who have also looked for support through books because teenage suicide continues to rise. It is the second highest cause of death for teenagers, following accidents. Many deaths called accidents may be suicides. One recent study reports that 34 percent of high school students have thought of suicide recently, and 14 percent have tried.
1
The actual numbers are even higher among American Indians, other young people of color, and lesbian and gay adolescents.
2
When I think of these statistics, I am still shocked, even after five years of work. But I no longer am numb in disbelief.
My heart goes out to all those kids who are looking for a reason to live. And my heart goes out to all you parents who are stunned to discover the extent of your children's pain. I believe that there is a path through the pain, for those on both sides of the generations. Yet I wrote this book for other parents,
not
for children. The idea here is that when we as parents get healthier, we can help our children. Do not give this book to your child! Read it and do your own homework.
I hope that telling my story will help others find hope for themselves and their children.
 

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