A Mother's Shame (23 page)

Maria was so weary she could scarcely keep her eyes open, but even when Josh urged her to go and take a rest she refused.

‘No, I shan’t leave her,’ she vowed, surprised at how much she had come to care for Kitty. ‘It was me who suggested to your mother that Kitty should accompany us so I feel responsible for her. If she had stayed at Hatter’s Hall she would still be safe.’

Josh sighed sadly before admitting, ‘You are probably right, Maria. But I think I can safely say that if asked, Kitty would not have had it any other way. She adores you, anyone can see that. What sort of life would she have had incarcerated there, I ask you? The poor girl had never seen beyond the walls of the place so you must not blame yourself.’

But Maria did, and as she sat there gripping Kitty’s burning hand her mind wandered back to the girl she had met at Hatter’s Hall. It was amazing to think that little Kitty had come so far. And now this! There seemed to be barely an inch of her that wasn’t covered in bright red spots, and as her head thrashed from side to side on the coarse pillow her eyes rolled.

When the doctor next came to check her he shook his head, his face grave.

‘Surely there is something we can do?’ Maria said beseechingly and yet she knew deep down that there wasn’t. The doctor knew it too and he merely squeezed her shoulder before moving on to his next patient.

It was almost midnight when Kitty reached the climax of her illness. Maria had fallen into an uneasy doze on the floor at the side of her but something – and she never knew quite what – made her eyes suddenly spring open to find Kitty staring at her with recognition.

‘Oh, sweetheart, thank God!’ Tears trickled down Maria’s cheeks as she stroked Kitty’s hand, which was slightly cooler now although she still looked dreadful. She had never been a robust girl but now she looked positively skeletal. But then Maria told herself, it was nothing that a little fattening up could not cure, if only Kitty was spared.

‘You scared me half to death there,’ she told her gently as she dribbled a little water past her parched lips. ‘I thought I was going to lose you for a while.’

‘You’ll not get rid o’ me that easily,’ Kitty responded hoarsely. ‘You’re the first person that’s ever been kind to me an’ I ain’t plannin’ on leavin’ yer just yet.’

And then Maria held her in her arms and they cried together.

The doctor was delighted when he returned in the early hours of the morning.

‘Well, bless my soul. You’ve got some fight in you, little lady. I don’t mind telling you I thought you were a goner when I checked on you a few hours ago.’ However, he wasn’t so pleased with Maria. She looked totally worn out and there were dark shadows beneath her glorious blue eyes.

‘I’m going to put my foot down with you next, young lady,’ he told her sternly. ‘Kitty here is on the mend now so you must go and get some sleep otherwise you will be ill too, and then you’ll be no good to neither man nor beast. I’ll get one of the other women to keep their eye on Kitty now till morning.’

Seeing the sense in what he said, Maria slowly rose. Every limb felt sore, and the back-ache that had plagued her all afternoon seemed to be worse than ever. She had a griping stomach-ache too, which she assumed had been caused by the many hours she had spent sitting on the hard wooden floor in one position. Perhaps a turn about the deck might blow a few cobwebs away before she retired?

She kissed Kitty’s clammy forehead, promising to be back first thing in the morning, and headed for the door. However, before she could get there, she suddenly felt something warm and sticky on her inner thighs and glancing down she was horrified to see a dark stain spreading across the front of her limp skirt.

She turned to stare at the doctor from frightened eyes and opened her mouth to speak . . . and that was the last thing she remembered before a terrible pain tore through her and she dropped into a deep darkness.

‘Oh, my dear, dear girl.’

The voice seemed to be coming from a long way away, and Maria felt as if she was battling through a fog as she tried to open her eyes. Someone was stroking her hand tenderly, but when she tried to see who it was, she groaned. She felt as if someone had torn her insides out.

‘Josh? Where am I? And what happened?’ It was he holding her hand, and for a moment he was unable to answer her as he blinked back tears of relief.

‘You are in your cabin,’ he told her softly, and when she managed to glance around she saw that he was telling the truth.

‘But Kitty – I left her – is she all right? I was going to rest and that’s the last thing I remember. I must get back to her.’ She struggled to rise but realised that she was as weak as a kitten as she dropped back heavily onto her pillows.

‘That was three days ago,’ Josh told her now. ‘And Kitty is recovering well. It’s you that has given us a scare this time. I’m afraid . . .’ He gulped deep in his throat before forcing himself to go on. ‘I’m afraid you lost the baby, Maria. And for a time we thought we were going to lose you too.’

Isabelle appeared next to him then. But she was not the quarrelsome girl Maria had grown accustomed to, for her face was full of concern.

‘Oh, thank God you’ve come through it,’ she gasped, dropping down beside Josh and stroking Maria’s hand. ‘I was so awful to you, and I couldn’t have borne it if we’d lost you before I had a chance to tell you how sorry I am.’

Maria lay trying to digest what they had told her. Surely they were mistaken? But as her hand fell to stroke the small mound of her stomach she knew that it was true. Her stomach was flat now. A tear squeezed from the corner of her eye and raced down her cheek. The child had been forced on her and she had never truly wanted it. It would have been a constant reminder of her foolishness, and of Lennie, whom she now hated, but even so it was sad that it had not lived.

‘What was it?’ she asked dully, and Isabelle and Joshua exchanged a troubled glance.

‘It was a little boy.’ Josh saw no reason to lie to her. He reached forward to wipe her tears away, his own falling at the same time. ‘I’m afraid that you have overdone it over the last weeks and the doctor thinks that this is what may have brought on the birth before its time. I’m so sorry, Maria.’

Isabelle took control then, telling him, ‘That’s enough for now, Josh. Run up to the dining salon and get Maria something light to eat. We must build up her strength again, and whilst we do, I shall look after her.’

Josh whistled silently in surprise. This was a side of his sister that he had never seen before, and he quite liked it.

Whilst he was gone, Isabelle washed Maria’s hands and face in cool water and brushed her hair then settled her against the pillows, saying, ‘I will not allow you to set foot out of bed for at least three days, and then it will be only to sit quietly on the deck until you are fully recovered – so no arguments, miss, do you hear me?’

Despite the sorry condition she was in, Maria had to stifle a grin. This was certainly a case of the servant becoming the master if ever she had known one.

Josh was back in no time carrying a tray with a bowl of thin, greasy-looking gruel on it and a cup of milk, fresh that morning from one of the cows in the hold.

‘I’m afraid it doesn’t look very appetising,’ he apologised. ‘But I’d like you to try a spoonful at least. We need to make you strong again.’

Maria tried to oblige and when her carers were content that she had something inside her they discreetly left her to rest and come to terms with what had happened.

By the end of April, Maria was fully recovered and was once more caring for Isabelle, although their relationship had changed considerably. Isabelle had continued to be much more placid as her pregnancy progressed. In fact, they had become quite close.

Instead of insisting that her hair was teased into intricate styles each morning, Isabelle now wore it loose with nothing other than a bright ribbon to tie it back from her face and it suited her. She was now almost six months’ pregnant, with the bloom of pregnancy about her, and although her figure was now out of control and she was beginning to waddle, she no longer seemed to mind. She had taken to confiding in Maria when they were alone, and one day she opened her heart as she began to speak of Pierre.

‘He was so handsome,’ she confided with a dreamy look in her eyes. ‘But I have to admit that I did not want this child.’ Her hand caressed her stomach. ‘It came as something of a shock to me when I discovered that I was to have a baby, but I have accepted it now. After all, as you once told me, it is not the child’s fault, is it?’ Maria shook her head as she paused in the act of folding one of Isabelle’s gowns.

‘I wonder what Pierre would have said if he had known he was to be a father,’ Isabelle mused.

‘We will probably never know the answer to that question now,’ Maria answered sensibly, then, ‘Do you think he might have married you?’

Isabelle shook her head. ‘I doubt my parents would have allowed that. He was the son of a farrier and they had high hopes of me making a good marriage.’ She sighed before making her way up onto the deck to take the air, leaving Maria alone with her thoughts.

Sometimes Maria would look at Isabelle and be consumed by sadness as she thought of the child she had lost, but she never commented on the fact. She had spotted Lennie a couple of times on deck and he had glared at her, but he had never approached her, even though she was aware that he must know she had lost their child – and she was glad of that at least. She never wished to speak to him again. At least now, once Isabelle’s confinement was over, she would be able to return home. The thought of having to live under her father’s strict regime again brought her no joy, but she looked forward to seeing the rest of her family, especially her longsuffering mother whom she missed more than she could say.

The voyage had been considerably delayed because of the bad weather they had encountered but now there was an air of excitement on board, for the Captain had informed them only the day before that land should be sighted any day now. Up in the crow’s-nest a sailor with a telescope watched hopefully and they all waited for his shout with anticipation. It had been a long and tedious and sometimes tragic voyage, and everyone was looking forward to setting foot on dry land again.

It was early in the morning of 1 May 1857 when the cry came from the crow’s-nest: ‘LAND AHOY!’ And they all rushed up to the decks to peer expectantly across the vast expanses of ocean. But as yet, there was nothing to be seen by the naked eye.

It was almost dark when the eager passengers caught their first glimpse of Hobson’s Bay outside the city of Melbourne, and it was somewhat of a disappointment, to say the least. At first the coastline was little more than a hazy blur in the far distance, but then as the ship drew closer they saw a huge wooden jetty poking out across a sandy beach into the sea. Beyond were hills covered in trees with sparse foliage upon them and Joshua explained, ‘It is winter here. Were we at home they would be bare by now.’

The grass looked scrubby and the trees looked dusty and tired. Houses were dotted here and there, if they could be classed as houses; for they were little more than timber cabins. Even so, Maria could scarcely wait to disembark and put some distance between Lennie and herself. Then she hoped she would never have to set eyes on him again. She had learned a hard lesson.

During the afternoon, Maria had packed their trunks helped by an excited Kitty, who couldn’t seem to stop chattering. During the voyage Joshua had shown her books full of pictures of the strange animals that lived in Australia and Tasmania, and now she was keen to see them in the flesh.

‘I can’t wait to see a kangaroo,’ she told Maria excitedly. ‘Josh says their babies are called Joeys an’ the mothers carry them about in a pouch on their belly.’

‘I think I might just know how they feel,’ Isabelle commented wryly and they all laughed, relieved that the long voyage was almost at an end. Soon the sailors began to draw down the sails and the ship slowed, still some way out to sea. Two guns and two rockets were fired when the ship finally dropped anchor.

‘They are fired to ask for a pilot to come out to guide us in,’ Josh explained. ‘The coral reefs around Australia are notoriously dangerous but I doubt they will send anyone out to fetch us in until morning. It’s beginning to get dark now.’

The three girls looked somewhat disappointed, especially when Josh was proved to be right, but then, they reasoned, what was just one more night when they had already been at sea for so long? In actual fact it was quite pleasant to be in shallower waters with the waves gently lapping at the sides of the boat, and when they leaned over the rails they could see shoals of jewel-like fish swimming about the reefs far below the surface. The evening that followed took on a party atmosphere and everyone was in fine high spirits, although at some point the Captain asked them to say a prayer with him for the poor souls who had died during the voyage. After a hearty, ‘Amen!’ the merriment continued. The children raced about the decks, their faces tanned and happy again, excited at the first glimpse of the land that was to become their new home.

‘Oh, I’m so excited and so looking forward to seeing Uncle Freddie! I shall never be able to sleep tonight,’ Isabelle declared when she and Maria finally retired to their cabin. But her head had barely touched the pillow before she was snoring softly.

Maria lay awake, reliving certain parts of the journey. She often thought back to the time when she had woken to the sound of Josh’s voice following her miscarriage, and it never failed to make her heart flutter. He had sounded so tender, as if he had really felt something for her, just as he had on the night when Lennie had almost raped her. But she knew she must be mistaken, for since then he had been careful never to be alone with her, and she in turn had kept her distance from him. Oh, he was always friendly and polite admittedly, but that special feeling she had felt when he had held her hand and muttered endearments had never been repeated. She blinked away the tears that were welling in her eyes at the memory.