A House of Cards: Deconstructing Ethan (8 page)

“Ethan, I wanted to talk to you about your interview subject,” he said gently, sitting in a chair in front of my desk. I nodded. He sighed, “How did you choose the name Bryant?”

I gaped at him. Not sure how he knew, I figured there was no point in lying to him. “A street sign I saw as I came into town,” I answered, looking at the floor. He laughed and said something about his family’s love of affectation.

“I’m not going to tell anyone, Ethan. I think I may be able to help you.”

I looked up, almost rolling my eyes. “No one can help me. Shrinks, therapy, pills – they’ve tried. I am beyond the reach of help.”

“No, Ethan. I was talking about something a little less…conventional,” he said and I could hear the smile in his voice. I was intrigued in spite of myself.

“But, Professor Bryant – I don’t think I can be helped. I’m so damaged.” I said with a small bubble of hope starting to grow in my chest.

“Ethan – call me Stephen.”

Journal Entry – Coping Mechanism

Over the next few weeks, Professor Bryant, or Stephen as I called him, explained to me about the Dom/sub community that he was a part of. He explained that my reaction during my first time was normal given my trauma and that he thought maybe a different type of coping mechanism was needed because of the extreme nature of my abuse. We talked about hard and soft lists and about different options that I had for starting in the community. He thought that pairing me with a female Domme would be better given my history and we added men to my hard limits list. For some reason, he felt that may not always be the case, even though I assured him that wouldn’t change.

I wondered why, given my obvious need for control, he didn’t think it was better to start me off as a Dom. It seemed like a better fit for me, with what we had talked about. I didn’t know if I could…perform as a submissive. I was trying to gain control, not submit it. He explained that in a relationship like that, a submissive had all of the control. He felt that was the best place for me to start, that maybe I shouldn’t have responsibility over someone else for a while; it would help me learn to trust.

One night after Gary had gone out, my other suitemate approached me and told me he’d noticed I’ve been spending a lot of time with Stephen. nodded, wondering what he could possibly know because I knew Stephen would never divulge the content of our conversations; he was like my therapist now -one of the only therapists I had ever known that was truly trying to help me. My roommate said that he also knew Stephen and that the Professor had asked him to talk to me about being a submissive. I was astonished. Ryan was shy and unassuming; he spoke softly, but with purpose. He told me about his Mistress and about some of the things they did. Mostly, he talked about how it made him feel. He was so in touch with himself, so confident in his emotions. I wanted that…so badly.

When Stephen told me a few days later that he had secured me a place with a local Domme, I was nervous, but excited. When he told me that she was also Ryan’s Domme, I felt…comforted. I would not be alone. I would have someone to talk to about my experiences. For the first time in my life, I started to see daylight at the end of the tunnel.

My first meeting with Nicole was certainly not what I had expected it to be. We met at a quiet and comfortable coffee shop outside of the normal student hang-outs where she could ask questions and get to know me; and that’s exactly what she wanted to do, get to know me. She said that different aspects of my personality would lend themselves to various things that we would do together. Even though she was open and very nice, I felt awkward with her, like a gangly teenage boy next to the prom queen. She had experience, stature in this lifestyle and I did not. After a while, she seemed to get the information that she needed and I was finally going to get started; to see if this was the one thing that could help me, as Stephen believed that it could.

It took weeks of careful and patient sessions before she was able to penetrate me without causing me to burst into tears. All I could see and feel during those initial sessions was him, his presence lingered, haunting me – never allowing me peace. I knew she had no idea what I had been through, but Stephen had told her to be gentle with me. During these times, she would stroke my hair and tell me that I was safe. She taught me to please her orally, which initially I didn’t think I would want to do, but once I saw how I could please her no matter what position I was bound in, and even without the use of my hands, it became one of my favorite session moments with her. Within the first two weeks, I was devoted to her. I think it was because of the way she made me feel when she disciplined me. It was one area where she didn’t need to be gentle. I welcomed the pain, I longed for it. When she paddled me, and eventually whipped or caned me, I could detach myself from my past and focus solely on it.

In my willing submission to another, I found my escape. I found my purpose.

“Ethan?” Jayden asked as he knocked on my door frame. My door was open, but not wanting to startle me, he always knocked before he entered. Marking my page, I looked up. “How are you?” I liked thinking back to those first few sessions with Nicole, she had been so patient with me and giving up that control was just what I had needed. Jayden came into the room and knelt in front of my chair. “Lexi and Connor are out for the day, I thought maybe it would be a good time for us to do a session.” He positioned himself between my legs and pressed his lips to my ear, “Please, Master Ethan.” When he kissed my neck gently, I closed my eyes, nodding. Pulling away slowly, he started to rise, but I stopped him.

“Jayden, I was wondering…I thought maybe...” I stammered, feeling like an idiot. It shouldn’t be this hard. He put his hand on the side of my face.

“What is it, Ethan?” he asked, with genuine concern.

“I thought maybe it would help if I took a submissive role. think maybe it would be best if you were in control.” He put his other hand on my face and brought my lips to his.

“I would be honored,” he said simply before his lips met mine. Then he stood up, still holding one of my hands. “I will get things set up, just come in when you’re ready.” I nodded and he left the room. Walking over to the bed, I took off my clothes so that I could put myself in someone else’s hands for the first time in nearly five years.

After walking naked into their playroom, I took my place on the mat in the center of the room where I had last seen Connor. I knelt in subservience to Jayden with my fingers laced behind my neck and my eyes on the floor, waiting. I felt him come up behind me and then his lips were at my ear. “You’re already hard for me. That’s very good.” I felt an involuntary shiver course through me at the sound of his voice. My nipples hardened and that sensation shot right down my chest and into my stomach.

“Yes, sir,” I said, my voice breathless and excited.

“I don’t like that,” he mused, walking around to stand in front of me. What didn’t he like? I hadn’t done anything wrong. “I don’t like „Sir’. I think you can earn the right to call me „Master’. What do you think?” he suggested. Grasping my hair, he tilted my face up until I was looking at him.

“Yes, sir,” I repeated.

“Good boy,” he said, releasing my hair. “You can start by removing my clothes.” I released my hands from the back of my neck and stood up. With trembling fingers, I began to unbutton his shirt, kissing the exposed skin reverently with each open button. As my lips ghosted over the sculpted planes of his stomach, I felt his intake of breath. When all of the buttons were undone, I slid the shirt off of his shoulders and let my fingers trace the lines down his muscled arms as I went to my knees before him. I felt his fingers in my hair and heard his soft moan as I kissed his stomach with tender open mouthed kisses. With my hands on his sides, I pulled him closer to me as my lips covered his navel. Reaching down, I unbuttoned his jeans and his fingers tightened in my hair as I pulled his pants down over his hips. My lips were on his thighs as I pushed his jeans to the floor, allowing him to step out of them. As I pressed my lips to his straining erection through his briefs, his hands went to my shoulders, gripping tightly as I licked the head through the material. My fingers caressed the backs of his legs while I reached up for the waistband of his briefs, pulling them down, I watched his cock spring from its confinement as I relieved him of the garment.

Shocked at the driving need I felt to take him into my mouth, I licked my lips. He pulled back, as if he were tempted by the same thought I was, and ordered me to follow him. After I stood, he put his hands on my naked hips and turned me so that I was facing his bondage chair, the same type of chair that I had in my own playroom.

“Bend over the seat and put your hands on the back of the chair,” he murmured in my ear. I reached out and grasped the back of the chair. Taking two lengths of rope, he tied my wrists into position leaving my legs unbound, but kicked my feet apart with his own, knew he wouldn’t whip me, not yet, as my skin was still much too sensitive for that. Idly I wondered what he had in mind. Then I felt his lips touch the back of my neck. I shivered and they moved slowly across my shoulders, grazing my skin very lightly, as he moved from side to side across my back moving lower with each pass. Finally dawning on me that he was kissing the marks on my back, my heart swelled. But as he moved lower, over my buttocks, a new feeling rose in me and I gripped the wooden chair under my hands as his lips trailed down the backs of my thighs. When he started to come back up and his lips pressed hard between my legs, I cried out. His forehead pressed against my buttocks and he licked and kissed my balls from behind; my cock aching as he sucked them lightly.

“Please, sir. Please…Please…” I babbled incoherently, bending my knees to spread my legs wider apart, grinding myself against his face. Then he pulled away and stood, pressing his lips to my ear.

“What is it that you want?” he asked, his voice shooting a current straight through to my cock as he continued to stroke between my legs with his hand.

“Please, fuck me…please…I want to cum for you…” I added the „sir’ as an afterthought; any kind of „if it pleases you’ was just beyond me at this point. I watched him pick up a bottle of lube from a nearby shelf and then he nudged me slightly to the side. Ducking below my bound arms, he sat in the chair and opening the bottle, he poured a small amount on the tip of his cock and began to stroke himself, couldn’t stop my hips from moving in time with his hand.

“Is this what you want?” he asked, rubbing the head of his cock just inches from my own.

“Yes…sir, please…” I moaned and then he helped me to climb onto his lap, my legs cruelly spread over the arms of the chair as my buttocks rested several inches above his thighs. I held onto the chair for leverage and waited until I felt his lubricated fingers slide into my anus. I stayed still, expecting him to withdraw them, but he didn’t. Instead he began to move them slowly in and out of me, stroking me with his other hand in the same rhythm. I thought the wood under my hands would split as hard as I was holding onto it, but it didn’t. The muscles in my arms strained as I used my grip to pump my hips. Apparently tired of teasing, he stopped, and using one hand to grasp my hip, he pulled me down while using the other to guide his erection into me, impaling me on him. I whimpered softly as he entered me, not worrying about a condom. I trusted that he would not put me in danger and I had verified
his
test results after my session with Dominique.

“Ride my cock,” he said in a low strained voice and I moved my hips slowly to obey. Using my hold on the chair and my legs in order to achieve the momentum, I rode him.. He put both hands on my hips, guiding me, his thumbs rubbing small circles on my skin. My head fell back as I concentrated on holding off my orgasm. I was pretty sure I wasn’t going to make it, but I tried my best.

As he started to lift his hips and drive up into me, I desperately wished for the use of my hands. I wanted so badly to stroke myself. Why wasn’t he doing that? Why wasn’t he touching me? It was fucking maddening. I pulled at the ropes trying to get free as I bounced ceaselessly on his cock.

“Fuck…yeah…” he grunted in a low voice. “I want you to cum, Ethan.” Then I felt it, his hand stroking me. As I continued to drive myself up and down on him, he pumped me fast and I knew he must be close. Everything tensed and that familiar feeling raced up my spine as my cock erupted onto his chest. He continued to pump me, prolonging my orgasm until I cried and whimpered above him, pulling away from his hand. Placing both hands back on my hips again, stopping my own motion, he drove up into me again and again. His thrusts were hard and swift and his fingers were tight on my skin.

Finally, he thrust up into me and held my hips against his, bucking a few more times as he filled my ass with a deep resonating groan. With his hands still on my hips, his head came up and he leaned forward to kiss me hard. I kissed him, even as he moaned and panted into my mouth. It was so exciting to see him lose control. Finally, he pulled back and pressed his forehead against mine, could do nothing but hold myself above him.

His lips found my ear and he murmured gently, “I love how you make me feel.”

Chapter 5

Journal Entry – Domination

Ryan and I spent the remainder of that year talking late into the night. We talked about what we were learning from Mistress Nicole, about our sessions and about things that we had seen that we would like to try. It was a whole new world for me, a new set of experiences. I had finally found someplace where I felt like I belonged. I knew that Gary thought Ryan and I to be lovers, the way we were always close, but it was nice to finally have someone to talk to.