A House of Cards: Deconstructing Ethan (3 page)

No one spoke for a long time and the silence was deafening. Every person in the room knew what hard limit Nicole was referring to without her having to say it. Each of them knew, maybe in their own way, and with their own perceptions about what it meant that he had violated me. They all knew what he had done to me and the shame, the horror of it, rose like bile in my throat.

“Let’s...” Jayden started in a broken whisper, “Oh God...” Then, his voice a little stronger, he said “Let’s try to get him cleaned up.” I felt his cool hand on my back and I winced. “His skin is so warm; these cuts may have started to become infected. Nicole, can you go start a lukewarm shower? Lexi, can you grab the first aid kit and some water?” I heard both women leave the room. Jayden took what sounded like a deep steadying breath and then pulled the sheet the rest of the way off my body. A choked sob come from him as he inspected the damage done to my back and my legs. Then, he worked slowly and diligently to lift me into a sitting position. As hard as he tried and as careful as he was, he couldn’t prevent the pain from shooting through me. He helped me to sit on the side of the bed and I could see his face clearly for the first time. His hair was a little longer, but after all these weeks, he still hadn’t changed at all. The shame of letting him see me like that, so bloodied and broken, flooded my mind, but it was countered by the warmth I saw in his eyes.

Lexi returned quickly with the first aid materials and Jayden pulled out the pain reliever and handed me three along with the bottle of water she’d also brought. Almost eagerly, I took them, feeling them slide past the lump that had already formed in my throat at their kindness. We sat on the edge of the bed for a long time waiting for the pills to take effect. Finally, I was able to stand and Jayden stripped down to his boxers to help me into the shower. It took all of my strength to remain standing while he washed my hair and my body carefully with his tender touch, the feelings I had been trying to suppress forcing their way back up. Suddenly, with him this close, I could no longer focus on the physical pain. That scared me because it meant that I’d done it for nothing and that the pain was never going to end. I put my head on Jayden’s shoulder and he stopped before running his fingers through my hair lightly.

The soap and water stung as it cascaded over my myriad of welts and cuts. Even though the water was not terribly hot, it felt like it was scalding. Then, there was the way Jayden’s hands felt on my skin, tried not to think of my nakedness or our proximity because, of course, he had Lexi now, he didn’t need me. I was just someone to get him off. The bitterness swelled in me, consuming me as I tried yet again to cut off my emotions, desperately trying not to feel. It didn’t work. With his hands gently touching me, I knew that I was lost.

“Why won’t God just let me die?” I asked him softly.

Instead of answering, he finished up quickly and helped me back to my room. Nicole and Lexi had put fresh sheets on the bed and after drying off, I laid down on my stomach as Jayden applied an antiseptic to my welts. It had been a week since my visit to Dominique, so they didn’t require any type of bandage because they were already closed, but cleaning them would certainly help. Finally, after days of being exhausted, I was able to fall into a somewhat comfortable sleep.

When I woke to the scent of food, my stomach growled. Slowly, I got to my feet and stumbled to the dresser where I found a loose pair of shorts and a t-shirt. After several tries to get them on, I carefully made my way down the stairs, taking even measured steps. Stretching my legs or my arms too far sent a screaming pain through my body. One excruciating step at a time, I made my way down the stairs, leaning heavily on the railing. When I got to the kitchen doorway, I heard voices.

“…give a damn. We can’t just leave him here.” It was Jayden’s voice and the conviction with which he spoke, made my heart a little lighter. He really did seem to care about me, about what happened to me.

“What about Connor?” Lexi asked concerned, making me insanely curious as to who Connor was.

“Our house is certainly big enough for all of us, Lexi. If Connor doesn’t like it, he can move. Is Connor really more important to you than Ethan?” The scorn in Jayden’s voice was laced with anger.

“Of course not, Jayden, but we have to think this through. We have to consider the possibilities first, not just go off half-cocked.

What if Ethan doesn’t want to leave? Are you just going to kidnap him?” She replied acidly.

“What do you think, Nicole, you’ve been his friend longer than either of us,” Jayden asked, apparently ignoring Lexi’s tone.

“Why don’t you just ask Ethan?” I suggested softly from the door. They all looked up, surprised to see me standing there. Lexi ran to me, hugging me carefully. She pulled back just slightly and put her small hand on my cheek.

“Ethan, how are you feeling?” She asked, stroking my cheek like I had done hers so many times before.

“Fabulous,” I said with wry humor. Smirking at me before she became serious again, she looked back at Jayden and he nodded.

“Ethan, would you come and stay with us for a little while? Please? We love you so much and I can’t stand to see you in pain like this. Maybe a change would help….someplace where you’re not alone.”

As if seeing them happy and in love was going to help. But, she was right. I needed something, some kind of change. I’d lived through so much worse. I couldn’t let this, whatever it was, get the best of me. When I nodded, she buried her face in my chest, which to my relief, wasn’t painful.

Jayden grabbed his cell phone and started to dial. After a minute he said, “Connor, it’s Jayden. We’re going to have some furniture delivered to the house. We’re going to be having a guest for a while. Would you have them set it up in that empty room on the third floor? Yes, the one above the playroom. Thanks, Connor.” He finished and then made another call to Josh asking him and Kimberly to pick out a bedroom set and get the room ready.

“The playroom? Connor is your sub, isn’t he?” I asked Lexi quietly and she nodded. The jealousy, the feeling of betrayal washed through me and the pain of it took my breath away. With sting evident on my face, I pulled away from Lexi. They had a sub. They had both left and in the process, taken my subs away from me, leaving me with nothing. Knowing my feelings were irrational, but completely unable to control them, I turned and headed slowly for the stairs. I no longer wanted to be in the room with them, food or no food.

“Ethan, please….” Lexi begged and her voice was full of sorrow. “Please, stay and eat with us. You need to eat.”

“No,” I replied flatly and began the long climb up to the third floor, desperate to hide my jealousy and my pain from them.

* * *

I was lying on my bed with my face pushed into a pillow when the door opened and I heard someone enter. I didn’t have the strength to look and see who it was, but from the aroma they brought with them, I knew they had food. Staying still, trying to feign sleep, I hoped they would just leave the food and go but, of course, I wasn’t that lucky. I felt someone stroking my hair and that one small affectionate gesture was just too much for me. Breaking into heavy sobs, I pushed my face deeper into the pillow trying to contain them.

“Shhhhhh… angel, please don’t cry,” Jayden whispered as he continued to weave his fingers through my hair.

“D… Don’t call m… me that,” I said between broken sobs into the pillow. Finally, I was able to draw in a deep breath and get at least a partial hold on myself. “You called me that while we…“ I closed my eyes, unable to say „while we made love’. “FUCK!” I screamed into the pillow, “What do you want from me?!”

“I just brought you something to eat,” he answered quietly, hesitating before standing up. I heard him reposition whatever he’d brought with him and then he walked toward the door. Sighing heavily, he closed the door and went back downstairs. I laid there for a few minutes, listening to his heavy footfalls on the stairs, until my tears finally stopped. Gingerly, trying not to awaken the pain in my back and legs, I sat up on the side of the bed finally seeing that he had brought in a small table and set up a plate and a carafe of wine. It was simple and thoughtful.

I sighed and began to eat.

We stayed in the house for another few days while my back and legs continued to heal, mostly because of their care. Finally on Monday, Connor called to let Jayden know that my new room was ready. The „invalid’s room’, I thought to myself scathingly. Jayden and Lexi stayed in the house with me in Jayden's room, I presumed. What little time we spent together, we spent in awkward silence with them glancing between each other frequently. I felt like a terminal patient and they were waiting by my bedside for me to die. Maybe I was, because I certainly felt dead inside.

Nicole had hired a caretaker for my house to look after things while I was staying with Jayden and Lexi. With nothing to do, I found myself with unlimited time for thinking. I tried to occupy my mind with mundane tasks, but everything eventually came back to my spiraling depression. I hated the feeling. I would have rather felt nothing. The seething, festering self-loathing was so close to the surface that it even pervaded my dreams, not allowing me a good night’s sleep, which brought my lethargy to new heights.

Finally, it was time to leave for Chicago. I had so many mixed feelings about going – fear, shame, resignation, and defeat were among the most prevalent, all swirling around in my head until I felt like I wanted to scream. Sitting in my room with the angry, rage filled music turned up so loud, it caused the pictures on the walls to vibrate. Not being able to hear myself gave me an excuse to sing with it at the top of my lungs – my own method of screaming without feeling like I’d lost my mind. It was a good release.

For a while, it helped.

Jayden had a car waiting for us at the airport when we arrived. My back and my legs were screaming after the torturously long plane ride, so Lexi had me lay on the seat opposite them in the limousine. had almost argued with her, but the pain was too powerful for me to have much fight. With Jayden’s jacket under my head as a makeshift pillow, I dozed for the half hour ride into the city.

“Ethan….honey, wake up, we’re here.” Lexi’s voice pulled me from the superficial sleep that I’d been able to reach in the moving car. I sat up slowly, very careful of my tortured skin, watching the car come to a stop in front of a large three-story house. It was a beautiful brick walk-up, more compact than mine, but in an urban setting that wasn’t uncommon.

The driver opened the door, and as I got out of the car, the front door opened revealing an extraordinarily hot guy. Honestly, there was no other way for me to describe him. Wearing nothing but a pair of old jean shorts, his chest was what I noticed first. Broad, sculpted, nicely defined muscles with dusky darker colored nipples, I felt myself come alive for the first time in a while. It was something that I couldn’t really understand, but I didn’t want to analyze the feeling too deeply. Looking slightly higher, I saw that he had soft features, relaxed and good natured. His soft brown curls were captured under a bright blue Chicago Cubs baseball hat and his grin was almost infectious.

“Welcome back, can I help with anything?” The boy called from the porch and Jayden waved him over.

“Can you get Ethan’s luggage and take it up to his room?”

Jayden asked him and he hurried to help.

“Connor, this is our very good friend, Ethan.” Lexi told him with a soft secret smile. “Ethan, this is Connor, our tenant and new friend.” I could see that she was trying not to describe their relationship exactly because of the listening driver, but she didn’t want Connor to think that she considered him just a boarder. I found that to be oddly compelling.

I greeted Connor shyly as he extended his hand to me and wished for the quiet solitude of my new, albeit temporary, home.

My routine at Lexi and Jayden’s house was the same as it had been at mine. I spent the first several weeks alone in the room they were having me use. At first, I had tried playing the music at its highest volume, but I found that after a while it wasn’t as satisfying.I don’t know what had changed, but the need to be screaming had subsided. Instead, I switched to meditation, trying to focus my mind. Sitting on the floor, trying to find my chakra didn’t really help either. It could also have been the authors of the books Stephen had forced upon me. As a licensed psychologist and tenured professor at my Alma matter, I considered him a relative expert on the subject. Unfortunately, my psychological problems weren’t exactly text book in nature.

Unfortunately, I found myself distracted, unable to concentrate on my breathing because my mind kept going back to the sounds coming from the room below. Connor seemed to be getting a real workout, as I could hear the sounds of the paddle and his cries clearly through the inadequate soundproofing. It didn’t take long for me to remember that Jayden had asked Connor to ready the room above the playroom. I’m sure that he never imagined I would be able to hear every whimper from their beautiful responsive submissive.

I hadn’t spent a lot of time with Connor since I came to stay with Jayden and Lexi, but he seemed like a nice enough guy. He was tall, taller than me, maybe six foot three, with a swimmer’s build and brown curly hair. His brown eyes and good natured expression made me feel at ease with him. It was strange because I didn’t feel at ease with many people.

I noticed, as his cries came through the floor again, that they had apparently missed an area of the ceiling around the light fixture. The sounds tormented me, reminding me of my time with Jayden in my own playroom.