A Different Side (University Park #4) (30 page)

Determined to make it without her, I put on my headphones and flipped to the start of the chapter. I would pass this final. Everything started to click and the words transformed into meaningful context. Concepts made sense and I was able to remember them. An A was definitely in my future. A smile crept over my face.

I would survive.

I would make it without Lexi.

I had to.

***

I turned in my final and walked out of class, satisfied with my efforts. I wasn’t sure if I aced the class, but I felt confident I earned a
B,
and that was good enough for me. I had one more final and then I was done. It sucked that I had to retake my classes from the spring semester. Had I not doubled up during the summer sessions, I would’ve been so screwed.

I stopped by the student union and ordered a grilled chicken breast, steamed spinach, and a sweet potato. With the Lone Star Bowl four weeks away, I needed to concentrate on my diet. Any extra weight could slow me down and I needed to be in the best shape. My heart raced, excited about Sunday’s press conference where we would find out who we were playing. All the TV sports stations were talking about it, and determining who’d be our contender based on stats and other qualifications.

After lunch, I crossed the street and headed toward the stadium to suit up. Just as I was putting my clothes into my locker, my phone buzzed. I swiped it and pulled up Facebook.

Delaney: I’m here at the front gate but can’t get in.

Was she by herself or had Lexi come with her? I needed a moment to get my head straight.

“Hey, Marcos.”

The assistant trainer broke from his conversation with Coach Stevens.

“Yeah, you need something?”

“Can you open the gate for my friend Delaney? She said it’s locked and she can’t get in.”

“Sure, no problem.” Marcos turned to Stevens. “Be right back.”

“Thanks, man. Tell her I’ll be right out.” I sent Delaney a text.

Me: I’ll send someone to let you on the field.

I tucked my phone in the pocket of my jeans, shut my locker, and sat on the bench. Resting my arms against my thighs, I leaned forward and took a few deep breaths, eyeing my helmet. The reptile markings covered the entire surface with a dragon printed on the side, but for some reason, I didn’t feel like a fire breathing beast capable of slaying its victim with just one breath. I felt more like a tiny lizard with broken claws, doomed for failure. I picked up my helmet and hit it against the palm of my hand as I continued to take long, deep breaths.

If Lexi was with Delaney I couldn’t give in — I had to stick to the plan. Would I be strong enough to do it? I had to be. Otherwise, I wouldn’t make it. I continued to remind myself it was for the best. Lexi had to move on without me. After several minutes by myself, Marcos returned.

“She’s waiting for you.”

I glanced up, zeroing in on his words.
She’s waiting for you.
Did that mean she was by herself or with someone? I didn’t want to ask, so I’d just have to wait and see for myself.

“Okay.” I stood up and rolled my shoulders. It was now or never. “Let’s do this.”

Marcos grabbed a cart of footballs and followed me out the locker room. We passed through the tunnel and on to the field.

“I’ll head down to the fifty,” Marcos said.

“Sounds good.”

The sun shone in my eyes and I shielded my face with my hand, squinting. The glare made it hard to see, but once I crossed the twenty-yard line, the sun vanished behind the buildings. Standing in front of me was Delaney with her camera and equipment in hand.

“Hey,” I said and she waved back. I did a quick glance around the stadium and caught site of Lexi in the stands. She caught my gaze and I lifted my chin, giving her a subtle gesture. Her lips spread into a gentle smile and my heart cracked. I quickly averted eye contact, not wanting to add to the disheartening emotions flowing through me. My eyes darted to the Marshalls’ suite and all the memories rushed over me. Her presence was a bad idea
.
I wasn’t sure if I could ignore her when all I wanted to do was kiss her and tell her how much I missed seeing her this past week.

But I had to be strong.

I had to keep to the plan.

Lexi and I weren’t good for each other.

For the next hour, I kept my attention on the camera. Delaney took different pictures of me, throwing and catching the football as well as running on and off the field. It was hard to focus, knowing Lexi was sitting there. All I could hear was my mom’s voice telling me what I knew from the beginning. Those words reminded me I was making the best decision, no matter how hard it was not to give in to what I really wanted.

Lexi.

I needed her.

I had to have her.

But I couldn’t and it sucked.

“Thanks, Raven. I’ll let you know when I have everything done.” Delaney smiled as she gathered her camera equipment.

“Sure, no problem. I can’t wait to see what you put together.” I motioned to Marcos and fought my desire to go talk to Lexi. I felt like shit, treating her as if she had done something wrong. But talking to her would be pointless and dangerous. I knew myself all too well and I had to stay away. Otherwise, I’d just destroy her innocence.

I turned to exit through the tunnel and our gazes connected once more. Confusion and disappointment laced her face. She looked strung out, only pushing the reminder that I was a total douchebag. Lexi weaved through the bleachers and I sprinted toward her. It was like a force drawing me to her — one I couldn’t break way from, no matter my strength. Marcos opened the gate and Delaney exited. Just as he started to shut it, I stuck my arm out, keeping it open.

“Lexi, can I talk to you for a moment?” Without much thought, I called for her. She deserved an explanation. It was the least I could do.

“Do you want me to wait for you?” Delaney glanced at me and then at Lexi.

“No, that’s okay. I’ll see you at the dorm.”

Delaney whispered something in Lexi’s ear and then shuffled past her.

Marcos took a step back and Lexi stepped on to the field.

“Is everything okay?” Lexi asked as Marcos led Delaney to the main gate. The timid tone in her voice told me she was trying to be strong herself. Why was life so damn hard? A dull ache hit the center of my chest and I pressed my lips together, withholding the grunt.

I could do this.

I refused to give in, despite what my heart wanted.

“Let’s sit down.” I pointed to the bleachers behind her.

We walked through the gate and sat. Sitting next to her, I felt like I overpowered her in my uniform. She seemed so small and fragile. I refused to hurt her. Lexi deserved so much better.

“I’m sorry I came.” She shrugged off her backpack and set it in front of her.

I sighed, praying I’d make it out of here alive. Lexi was chipping away at my heart, making me weaker by the minute. “I’m not upset because you came with Delaney, if that’s what you’re thinking. It’s just that…” I stared at my helmet between my hands.
How could I possibly tell her I didn’t want to see her anymore when that’s all I wanted?
I flipped the sun visor up and down, searching for the right words. Blowing a girl off had never been a problem before. But Lexi wasn’t just any girl. She was the best thing that ever happened to me.

“What?” She leaned forward, trying to get me to look at her.

If I looked her in the eyes, I’d cave. “Lexi, I…I really like you. I do.” My head lowered as the pain struck my chest repeatedly.

Lexi took a deep breath and then, said, “Let me guess. You don’t want to see me anymore.”

Hearing those words was pure torture. Worse than a broken bone or ripped muscle.

I turned slowly in her direction, finally making eye contact. “I’m not good for you, Lexi.”

“Don’t say that. You’re a great person, Raven.” Her eyes glazed over and she blinked away the tears.

This was killing me, more than she knew. But I couldn’t back down. I had to do the right thing. I could think of a million reasons why I was bad for her, but I could also think of a million reasons not to give her up.

“It’s the truth and you know it. You deserve to be with a guy who has his shit together and isn’t a total screw up like me.” I set my helmet on the bleacher, afraid I might crush it with my hands.

I hated doing this to her.

To us.

“But you’re not a screw up Raven. Can’t you see that?” She grabbed my arms, forcing me to face her. “You’re a great guy and an awesome football player, with an awesome future ahead of you.”

I shook my head. “Lexi, my family isn’t like your family. We’re all effed up.” How could I make her see we weren’t right for each other? We were better off going our separate ways.

Lexi’s eyes filled with pain and I knew she was hurting as much as I was. “I’m not here to judge you, Raven. I know you’ve had it rough and you deserve to have someone that will be there for you. Encourage you. Support you.” Her hands clasped mine tightly. “I want to be that person.”

God. She was killing me. I pulled away. I couldn’t get caught up in her words. They were too intoxicating and she was too tempting. My heart was determined to get what it wanted. But I refused to let it. “I wish you could be, but it’s better that you aren’t. You’re too good for me.”

Her body slumped forward and then she straightened with a renewed purpose. “I’m sorry that you think I’m Miss Goody Two-Shoes, but I’ve got news for you.” She shoved her finger in my chest. “I’m not as innocent as you think.”

“Oh, come on.” I had to hold back a laugh. “Who are we kidding? You had never drank a beer or took a shot of liquor until you met me.”

“That was my choice.” She glared at me. “I didn’t have to drink the things you offered me, but I did because I wanted to.”

Damn, she was so freakin’ hot when she was mad. I hated it and loved it at the same time.

Lexi had me drugged with her love. It was like nothing I’d ever experience before and I wanted more of it. But this was all I would ever get.

I cupped her face, unable to resist touching her any longer. The softness of her skin in my palm drove me crazy. Now I was the one strung out on her. It was killing me, knowing all I had to do was kiss her and end all of this nonsense. But I couldn’t. I’d have to find a way to let go. Because I had to. “I’ll destroy you, Lexi. Trust me.”

“No, you won’t.” Tears streaked her cheeks and my chest pounded as my heart shattered in a thousand pieces. “Because I won’t let that happen to either of us.”

As much as I wanted to believe her, I couldn’t. She had no idea what I was capable of doing to her. “Lexi, my problems stem deeper than you can imagine. All of the forces of nature couldn’t keep me from doing some of things I know I’m not supposed to do. I’ll just pull you down with me and I can’t do that to you.” I stared deep into her eyes for the last time.

“Raven, please don’t do this.” Her voice thickened as the tears continued to fall.

There was no easy way to do this. I needed to stop this conversation and just go.

“Please, Lexi.” I dropped my hands from her face and rested my forehead to hers. “Don’t make this harder for us. Just go back to your fiancé.”

“What?” She jerked her head away and the tears stopped.

“You heard me, Collin is waiting for you.” I hated throwing him in the mix, but it was the only way to stop this heartache.

“How do you know that?” Her words were curt and sharp. “What exactly did Delaney tell you?”

I didn’t mean to get Delaney involved and wanted to punch myself for mentioning his name. But I did it as a last resort.

“Not much... really.” I stumbled through the conversation we’d had, unable to recall exactly what she told me. The reality was I had done some homework on my own. Though, I didn’t find out much — at least, nothing more than Delaney had told me. “But I know who Collin is—”

“You know Collin Norris? Personally?” she snapped, and her cheeks flashed red. I had definitely pissed her off.

I eased back and softened my tone. “Well, not personally, but I know of him.” I hated to point out all the reasons why she needed to choose him instead of me, but I had to. “He’s a good guy. His dad’s a preacher and he’s the one you should be with, not me.”

“Oh my God!” She shot up. “You know nothing about him, yet you’re ready to dump me at his doorstep.” Her hands flailed in the air and she stomped her feet. The metal reverberated, making her message clear. “I guess you really don’t care about me or what makes me happy because it sure isn’t Collin.”

Shit. This was harder than I thought.

“Lexi, please.” I took her by the hand, urging her to sit. “Calm down.”

She wiped the tears from her eyes and I hated I was the one who put them there. Her eyes closed and she took a few deep breaths. I wanted to pull her into my arms and tell her everything would be okay. That I would give her what she needed and more, but that wasn’t realistic. I’d never deliver on my promises. I’d only disappoint her.

Her eyes opened and she stared deep into mine, showing me everything she was feeling.

Hurt.

Anger.

Disappointment.

It was all there. And it confirmed why she needed to move on without me.

She placed her hand on my face, keeping her our gazes connected. “It’s you who makes me happy. It’s you who makes my heart beat wildly. It’s you who has showed me more affection than Collin ever had in the four years we were together. You’ve given me more attention than anyone ever has. Attention that I need and want. Raven, I want to be with you. Is that such a bad thing?”

Oh. God. No. She was deeper in my trap than I realized.

“It is when you’re a guy like me.” I closed my eyes and inhaled deeply. Hearing those words brought me to my knees. I wasn’t sure how much more I could take. “I’m sorry, Lexi, but I can’t see you anymore.” I picked up my helmet, needing to leave before I gave in to her every word. “You’re better off without me.” I stood, stepped off the bleachers, and headed to the field, not turning back. Walking away from the very thing I wanted the most was the hardest thing I’d ever done and I didn’t feel good about my decision. But I did what had to be done. I saved her from me.