A Daughter's Disgrace (12 page)

The walk from the butcher’s to Clapham Junction was almost too much for Alison. She had to hurry as she only had her lunch hour to complete her mission, but it left her gasping for breath by the time she reached her destination. Not eating much didn’t help. All she really felt like was small pieces of dry toast. Anything else made her sicker than ever.

On the corner at Clapham Junction was the grand entrance to Arding and Hobbs. She glanced at it nervously. She’d hardly ever been there, never having had the money to afford their prices. She remembered going in a few times as a child, although what with the war and clothes rationing it was much quieter back then, and Linda had taken her there a couple of years ago. She knew it was huge inside and that it was easy to get lost. She’d have to keep her wits about her as she didn’t have time to lose her way.

It seemed as if half of Battersea had come to the big department store at lunchtime, as the press of people going in and out of the big doors threatened to overwhelm her. Alison put her head down and concentrated on keeping going. She was here for only one reason and she couldn’t allow herself to be distracted or fear the crowds. Her idea might be a crazy one but she knew she had to try.

She had to find the floor with ladies’ wear. Once there she had to hope the person she was looking for was on duty. There was no guarantee that she would be, but Alison couldn’t think of another way to see her. It had to appear casual. She just had to keep her fingers crossed she wasn’t on her lunch break as well. She knew it was a long shot and she might be making too much of what had been a brief acquaintance but she’d always hoped it would turn into something more. Well, now was the time to put the idea to the test.

This must be it. She was surrounded by elegant clothes far finer than anything she’d ever worn. Wide-skirted dresses in every colour imaginable hung from hangers, and further away she could see a rack of the new sack dresses, none of which would be in her size, she was sure. She dared not touch anything and just prayed her awkwardness didn’t show on her face as she tried to blend in with the other customers. How she would love to have clothes like this. Such a dream seemed farther away than ever. If her fears were right soon all she would be able to fit into would be her baggiest jumpers.

Then she saw the familiar figure. She made her way cautiously across the floor, and came to a halt by a rack of blouses. She carefully chose one with a scalloped collar and lifted it on its hanger, as if she did this sort of thing every day.

‘Can I help you, madam?’

‘No thank you, I’m …’ Alison looked up, feigning surprise. ‘Vera! Fancy seeing you here!’

‘Alison Butler! I was only wondering the other day how you were getting on,’ said Vera, smart in her shop clothes and without the usual bright lipstick. ‘Are you here to choose something for your sister’s wedding?’

Alison wasn’t surprised she’d heard about the big event. Winnie had probably passed on the news after a gossip session with Cora at the newsagent’s. That was how Alison had learnt where to find her old colleague. Most likely all of Battersea knew about the wedding by now.

‘Not really. I’ve got to wear a bridesmaid’s dress. I wish I could just go in normal clothes but there’s no escape.’ Alison didn’t allow herself to think about what would happen if this conversation failed and she had to tell Hazel why she couldn’t be a bridesmaid. She’d deal with that later. Otherwise she would break down completely. But the good thing was her former colleague seemed as friendly and open as ever, and hadn’t cut her dead.

‘Did Hazel like her ring?’

‘Yes, she … how did you know about the ring?’ Alison was so surprised that she forgot what she’d come to ask.

‘Didn’t Neville say?’ Vera’s hand flew to her mouth. ‘Oh God, I’ve gone and put my foot in it. Don’t worry, it was all perfectly innocent.’

‘What was?’

‘Well, I happened to bump into him when he was going to choose the ring and he was all of a dither so I asked if he needed a bit of a hand. I went along to help him pick the right one. You know what men are like, haven’t a clue about that sort of thing.’ Vera raised her eyebrows.

‘He didn’t say,’ Alison told her. She was stunned by this piece of news. ‘I … I won’t mention it to Hazel.’ She knew what her sister and her mother thought of Vera and could imagine what would happen if they found out. They’d never believe it was as innocent as Vera claimed. If Alison spilled the beans then she was sure somehow she’d end up getting blamed for it.

‘How are you getting on?’ Vera asked. ‘Anything’s better than the factory, isn’t it? Those miserable old men always trying to get you in a corner and cop a feel. Dirty sods. There’s none of that in this place.’

That had never happened to Alison but it reminded her of why she was here. ‘I’m glad to be out of there,’ she said truthfully, ‘but I’ve got a bit of a problem. Actually, you might be able to help me. Is there anywhere we can talk without everyone listening?’

‘Not really. But I could meet you after work if you like.’ Vera glanced up. ‘Would that be all right? I finish at five today.’

Alison took a deep breath. Of course. It had been silly to think Vera would be able to get away when the store was so busy. But she hadn’t said no outright. That was good of her – it wasn’t as if they’d had the chance to get to know each other properly before. ‘Would you? That’s really kind of you. I finish at five too.’

‘We’ll do that then.’ Vera nodded. ‘I’d better go. The supervisor’s always on my case, thinks I spend too much time chatting as it is. Five-fifteen, that café outside the station? See you there.’

Alison flew out of the door of the butcher’s at just after five. Usually she helped Fred to clear up but she didn’t want to miss Vera, who only had a short distance to go to the café. Fred watched her, wondering what the urgency was. It was the fastest he’d seen her move for ages.

After walking as fast as she could, Alison arrived at the café, breathless. There was no sign of Vera. Frantically Alison’s eyes swept the room. There were young couples gazing at each other over the Formica tables, some old men who looked as if they’d been in there all afternoon, a few professional types grabbing a quick snack before the long train journey back to the suburbs. But no Vera.

Hesitantly Alison took a seat at one of the few vacant tables. The heat and smells of cooked food were making her feel sick again and her head swam. She gripped the edge of the table. Up to today she’d been sick only in the mornings. Please God don’t let that change now.

There was a gust of cold air as the door opened and Vera burst in, red lipstick freshly applied, coat belted tightly to show off her figure. Every male head in the place turned. She ignored them all. ‘Sorry I’m late. That supervisor drives me nuts. You’d think the world was going to end if I left as much as a speck of dust on the underwear shelf. Still, I’m here now. What are you having?’

‘Just a cup of tea,’ said Alison, hoping she’d be able to keep it down.

‘I fancy some of that cake,’ said Vera, pointing to a rich fruit loaf on display at the counter. ‘I get ravenous in there on my feet all day. Sure you don’t want any?’

Alison shook her head, trying not to gag.

‘All right, just the one then.’ Vera smiled to catch the attention of a passing waitress and placed their order. ‘Not bad in here, is it? So, what was it you wanted me to help with?’

Alison looked around to check there was nobody in there who might know who she was but couldn’t see anyone. She’d better say her piece and get it over with. She was so nervous she hardly knew where to start.

‘I’ve not been very well,’ she said abruptly. Then it all came out in a rush. ‘I’ve been sick a lot, I’m tired all the time, I’m losing weight, I can’t think straight.’ She gasped. ‘I don’t know who to ask what’s going on. When I happened to bump into you …’ She paused as she told the white lie. ‘I thought you might know what it all means.’

Vera waited as their teas and cake arrived. She sipped her drink and lifted an eyebrow. ‘I see. If you don’t mind me asking, have you missed your monthlies?’

Miserably Alison nodded. ‘Twice. I didn’t think anything of it at first. But now, what with being sick all the time … it’s not just the smells at work, everything sets me off. I couldn’t handle the kidneys and stuff to begin with and my boss got used to me running out, so he still thinks it’s that. But I think it might not be.’ She couldn’t meet the other woman’s eyes.

Vera toyed with her cake and then set down her fork. ‘Right. That only sounds like one thing to me. Are you having a baby?’

Alison couldn’t stop a tear from escaping. ‘I’m afraid … afraid I might be. I’m not making it up, am I? Those are the symptoms, aren’t they?’

Vera nodded. ‘Sounds like it. You can miss your monthlies for lots of things but adding it all together … when did you and your boyfriend do it?’

Alison almost laughed. ‘He wasn’t really my boyfriend.’ She caught Vera’s expression and hurriedly corrected herself. ‘I thought he might be, once. He was nice and everything to start with. But then … then … it was almost dark and he pushed me … and forced me. I couldn’t stop him.’ She shuddered at the memory. ‘And now he’s gone and disappeared. So I’m stuck.’

‘Can’t you tell your mum?’ Vera asked. ‘Hang on, no, I suppose not. What about your sister?’

‘Not likely,’ sighed Alison. ‘She’ll say I’ve done it deliberately to ruin her wedding. You’re the first person I’ve told. There isn’t anyone. My big sister might help but she’s away from home and I can never get her on her own for a minute.’

If Vera was surprised she didn’t show it. After a moment she patted the back of Alison’s hand. ‘You poor thing. That’s such bad luck. You mustn’t blame yourself. These things happen.’

‘Thanks.’ Alison wiped her face with her hanky. ‘But I do blame myself. I shouldn’t have been so stupid. It’s my fault for trusting him.’

Vera tutted. ‘It isn’t. You just said you didn’t have no choice. So it’s his fault, no two ways about it. But it’s you what has to bear the consequence. Not fair, is it?’

Alison shook her head. Now that she’d finally told her secret she felt drained. ‘Please, eat your cake. Don’t let me spoil it.’

‘You daft mare!’ Vera touched her arm. ‘Don’t say such things. I’d love to help you more but I’m not sure how.’

‘You’ve listened to me and didn’t blame me,’ said Alison. ‘That’s more than I deserve. But I was thinking. Remember back at the factory, there was that woman who was having a baby – and then she wasn’t?’ She dropped her voice. ‘Do you know how that happened? What did she do?’

Vera’s eyes narrowed. ‘Yes, I remember. But don’t you go thinking of such a thing. It’s dangerous, and illegal. You could die and they won’t lift a finger to save you. Costs a bomb as well. Believe me, you don’t want to go anywhere near that.’

Alison’s last flicker of hope disappeared. ‘Is it that bad? Don’t you know anyone?’

Vera shook her head and her eyes flashed. ‘No, I don’t. And if I did I wouldn’t send you their way. I’m serious, they’d kill you and not care. I wouldn’t go near them if I was in your position. Which I haven’t been.’

‘I didn’t mean …’ Alison began, anxious not to offend Vera even though she was on the brink of despair.

‘I’m not stupid,’ Vera said, slowly lifting her cup and then putting it down again. ‘I know what people say about me. As it happens, they’re wrong. Just because I wear makeup and dress the way I do doesn’t mean I drop my knickers for anyone who asks. I like a bit of fun, so what? Doesn’t everyone? It makes me sick, the way they all sit on their tight little arses and whisper behind their hands and nudge each other when I come near. Thinking they’re better than me. At least I’m honest about it. Two-faced old bags.’

‘I didn’t mean anything by it, Vera,’ said Alison. ‘I knew you’d tell me what was what, that’s all.’

‘Well, I’m telling you now to stay away from those back-street bodgers,’ Vera said, calm again. ‘It’s the best advice I can give you. I’m sorry I can’t do more, I wish I could. Look, I better be going, but come and see me any time. You can always leave a message for me if I’m not on duty. Don’t go doing anything silly – promise me.’

Alison smiled weakly. It was strange to think that this woman who everyone was so rude about could offer kindness so willingly and yet her own family, always certain they were doing the right thing, wouldn’t hesitate to throw her to the dogs. ‘Thanks,’ she said. ‘I’ll be all right. At least now I know.’

Vera picked up her big handbag. ‘Always better to know what you’re up against, that’s my motto. See you around.’

Alison wished she could be as sure. It seemed that whatever way she looked at it, the future was impossible. If she couldn’t get rid of the baby, then what was she to do?

Neville had met Hazel after work and had taken her to the cinema. They couldn’t spend every night at home, saving money. He wanted to spoil her a bit, to show her how proud he was to be seen out with her. The evenings were getting longer as it was late spring, with summer just around the corner. The sun was setting as they wandered back towards Ennis Street, and Hazel paused outside a shop window.

‘Look at that tea set,’ she said. ‘Isn’t it lovely? We could have something like that when we’re married.’

‘My mum said we could have her old one,’ Neville told her. He couldn’t see what the difference was. It was something to drink tea out of, and he didn’t really care what the cups and saucers looked like. There was no point in wasting good money on such things when there were so many important wedding preparations on which to spend their hard-earned cash.

‘That’s nice of her,’ said Hazel, trying not to grit her teeth, ‘but that one there is more modern. See those shapes and colours? That’s what’s fashionable. Linda’s got one very like it.’

Neville nodded, thinking that he was going to have to get used to that idea. He was hearing more and more of what Linda had and how perfect it all was. He hadn’t realised Hazel was quite so keen to have everything her sister had, or even better.

‘Let’s save up for it then,’ he said. ‘We can start off with what Mum gives us and then put a bit away each week. Anyway we’ll have to find somewhere to live first.’

Hazel pressed her nose against the shop window. ‘They’ve got some cushions as well. I can’t wait to start making a home together.’ She turned and smiled invitingly. He drew her into his arms and kissed her.

‘I’m more interested in what we have in our bedroom,’ he breathed, unbuttoning her coat and pulling her to him around the waist. ‘Let’s think about that first.’

She snuggled closer and then pulled away. ‘Time enough for all that when we’re married.’ She didn’t want to be thought common, canoodling with her boyfriend in a shop doorway in the fading light. But the wedding night seemed like ages away. Sometimes she hated having to wait.

‘We’ll have a beautiful bed,’ he went on, ‘and we’ll never want to leave it. I’m going to make you so happy …’ He reached for her again and kissed her more and more desperately, his hands moving under her coat. For a few moments she gave in, then wriggled out of his arms.

‘What if someone sees us?’ she hissed. ‘Let’s walk on.’ She held his hand and found she was trembling with suppressed passion. Why did the other girls have all the fun? Perhaps she should just give in. But she’d never bear the shame if anyone found out or, worse, if she got caught out and fell pregnant.

‘Where shall we live?’ he said after a moment. ‘We could start putting our name down with the landlords. I’d like to be close to Mum.’

Hazel sighed. What she really wanted was to be in a better area, even if somewhere like Kent was out of the question. She knew they couldn’t be too far from the paint factory, but they could do better than Ennis Street. Also, while she could see it would be useful to be near their families, she didn’t want them dropping in every spare minute of the day. She was looking forward to some privacy alone with Neville as God knows they had precious little of that now.

‘Maybe not too near your mum,’ she suggested. ‘I mean, nothing against her, or the rest of your family, but I want it to be just us.’ She squeezed his hand tightly and turned to look at him meaningfully.

‘So do I.’ He could barely get the words out. ‘I can’t tell you how much I want to be alone with you in our house. September seems like ages away.’

‘Only a few months now.’ She started to walk on again. ‘We could find somewhere a bit further from the factory, further away from the power station. That wouldn’t be too bad, we could still see everyone.’

Neville wasn’t sure. He reckoned he would miss his mum’s home cooking and had thought they might drop by for a meal whenever they could. He also didn’t want to have to spend ages getting home if he was on night shifts.

‘Not too far from the factory,’ he said. ‘Remember I’ll still have to do lots of overtime if we’re setting up house and buying new stuff. You don’t want me arriving home dog tired. I want to save my energy for other things …’

‘Yes, but we’ll want to have somewhere as nice as we can afford,’ she insisted. ‘I don’t want a cramped place like Mum’s. Linda’s house has lots more room in it and she’s thinking of going somewhere even bigger. I don’t want to live in a hovel.’

Neville wondered if Hazel actually knew how much flats in the area cost, as he was pretty sure that was all they could manage, even if they both carried on working long hours. But he didn’t want to disappoint her. ‘I won’t let you live in no hovel,’ he assured her. ‘Nothing but the best for my princess.’ He stopped and kissed her once again. ‘Come on, we’ve still got time for a drink. How about a visit to the pub before last orders?’

Hazel looked at him standing under the streetlight and thought once again how gorgeous he was. But all the same, she’d have to put her foot down about where they lived. She was desperate to have a nice home away from the crowded terraces of her childhood, where the only view was straight onto row after row of houses just like her own. She sensed Neville would live next to his mum if she let him, and she wasn’t going to settle for that. She couldn’t wait to get him alone in their own place. September seemed longer away than ever.

‘A drink would be lovely,’ she said, hugging him and breathing in the scent of his neck. She’d force herself to have another sherry. After all, Linda liked it.

‘Your idea to sell eggs has been a great success,’ Fred said to Alison a few days later, as the latest delivery arrived. ‘Look, this is twice what we took that first time. Some days we can’t keep up with demand.’ He grinned broadly, wiping his hands on his apron. Nothing made him happier than a successful business move. He wished she was as pleased as he was, but he couldn’t even raise a smile from her. ‘It’s all down to you.’

Alison tried to sound interested. ‘Thanks, Fred. It’s nothing.’

‘It’s not nothing. Good ideas are money in the bank. Good ideas are what keep this place going.’ He wanted her to understand. ‘Not everyone has them. You can wait for years for an idea that works. You must have a talent.’ He waited to see if she reacted.

Alison smiled wanly. ‘Beginner’s luck.’

Fred bustled around the counter. ‘Don’t be so hard on yourself. You have to learn to take a compliment. I’m not making it up, you know. How about a nice omelette for lunch? We haven’t done that for ages.’

Instead of accepting with enthusiasm Alison turned green and ran through to the back.

Well now, thought Fred. That wasn’t about handling offal. They hadn’t sold any all morning and she hadn’t had to move any in the storeroom. A tummy bug? It was possible. There was always something going round, but he hoped he’d impressed upon her that if she was sick she mustn’t come in. There could be another reason of course.

He thought about it. She’d been awful when she’d first started the job, running off to be sick every five minutes, but then she’d improved. She hadn’t complained about cutting up all manner of bits of animal that would have turned many people’s stomachs. Then it had all started up again.

He didn’t want to ask her outright. Maybe he’d got this wrong. He hoped he had. But he could hear her now out the back, running a tap loudly to try to cover the other noise. It might work for the customers but it didn’t fool him.

He thought about what he knew of her. She never mentioned friends and had certainly never said anything about a boyfriend. Then again, why would she? He was only her boss. She probably thought of him as ancient. Also, he knew her mother and she wouldn’t want any snippets to get back to Cora. He was fond of his old friend’s wife but knew she had a fearsome reputation as a gossip. All the more reason for Alison to keep her secrets.

He was equally aware of what Cora thought of her youngest daughter, and – from comments Alison had let slip – what Hazel thought as well. Fred didn’t agree. Alison was bright and funny and good company once you got past her awkwardness. All right, she wasn’t a looker like her sister, but she had other things in her favour. He’d come to count on her around the place. If he could see her special qualities he supposed a young man might too.

So what were this young man’s intentions? Was he going to stand by her and do the right thing? Maybe she hadn’t told him yet, or maybe he was as scared as she was. Alison was only seventeen. Perhaps her young man wasn’t much older. Perhaps he needed someone to talk him round, point out that he couldn’t leave her in the lurch when it was as much his fault as hers. It was no laughing matter to have a baby when you weren’t married.

The more Fred thought about it, the more certain he was that this was what was wrong with his assistant. He made up his mind. He’d have to say something. She wasn’t just his employee, she was his old friend’s daughter too, and he wasn’t around to look after her any more.

After a while Alison emerged, her hair even more straggly than usual, her face white. ‘Sorry, Fred. Must be something I ate.’ She wouldn’t meet his steady gaze.

He wasn’t prepared to accept that. ‘Seems to me as if you’ve been eating lots of things that don’t agree with you,’ he said. ‘In fact, you’ve been doing that for quite a while. Strange thing is, I never see you eat anything. You’re wasting away. Are you sure nothing else is wrong?’

Alison shook her head and looked away. ‘I’m all right,’ she muttered. ‘I had a big breakfast before I came in.’

Fred took a breath. He didn’t want to pry. Yet this couldn’t go on. He had a duty to say more. ‘Are you?’ he asked. ‘I don’t think you’ve been overeating at breakfast every day for these last few weeks. That won’t make you tired and listless. That’s not like you. You were lively and you learnt everything fast. You even chopped up liver.’

Alison gulped and turned her back to him.

‘Look, I don’t want to stick my nose in,’ Fred went on doggedly. ‘But I’ve got to say something. I don’t think you’re well. Have you been to a doctor?’

‘I hate doctors,’ Alison said quietly, her voice catching.

‘But you should go. You can’t carry on like this. People will notice.’

‘I’m putting off the customers, am I?’ she cried. ‘That’s exactly what Mum and Hazel said would happen. It was only a matter of time.’

‘No, no, that’s not what I meant.’ He clumsily tried to touch her shoulder but she shook him off.

‘I don’t want to hurt your business,’ she choked. ‘You’ve been nice to me. I’ll go.’

‘No, you mustn’t go.’ He was doing this all wrong. ‘I don’t want you to go. I just wondered if there was anything else wrong. Anything I could help with. If you wanted me to have a word with your young man …’

‘No!’ she shouted. ‘I’m all right. Just leave me alone.’

He couldn’t bear to see her so upset. ‘Listen, I don’t mind. Sometimes it’s better man to man. Make him understand that he can’t just leave you to face the music …’

‘You’ve no idea what you’re talking about! I tell you I’m all right! There’s nothing more to be said!’

‘Alison, stop, think for a moment …’

She had grabbed her coat and was running for the door. ‘I’m all right! I’m all right!’

She dashed out into the street, nearly knocking a customer off her feet.

‘Goodness, whatever’s wrong with her?’

Fred forced himself to make light of it. ‘Oh, she saw a big spider out the back. You know what some people are like about them. She’ll be back once she’s calmed down. What can I get you? We’ve got a lovely bit of pork belly at the moment.’

As he went through the familiar motions of cutting the meat and wrapping it, he wondered what he should do. Ought he say something to Cora? He couldn’t just do nothing, not when Alison had more or less confirmed his suspicions. But he didn’t want to land her in hot water either. ‘Here you are,’ he said, with his best shopkeeper’s smile. ‘See you soon.’

Wiping down the counter, he realised he’d have to wait and see. He couldn’t force the girl to accept help, no matter how concerned he was for her welfare. But if there was a young man out there who’d let her down, he wasn’t going to stand for it.